


In Disgrace With Fortune

by orphan_account



Category: Tenkuu no Escaflowne | The Vision of Escaflowne
Genre: M/M, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-12
Updated: 2011-09-12
Packaged: 2017-10-23 16:33:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 17
Words: 152,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/252456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A love story from Gaia: Allen and Gaddes in the years before the war.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> FAIR WARNING: I wrote this story in about 2000 and have not revisited it since. I'm resurrecting it now by request, and make absolutely no representations as to its quality. Sincere apologies to Mr William Shakespeare and Mr Charles Dickens - and to the Mutton Birds, for bludging off their rather lovely song 'Wellington.'

When, in disgrace with Fortune and men’s eyes,

I all alone beweep my outcast state,

And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,

And look upon myself and curse my fate,

Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,

Featured like him, like him with friends possessed,

Desiring this man’s art, and that man’s scope,

With what I most enjoy contented least;

Yet, in these thoughts myself almost despising,

Haply I think on thee, and then my state,

Like to the lark at break of day arising

From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven’s gate;

For thy sweet love remembered such wealth brings

That then I scorn to change my state with kings.

 

-       William Shakespeare, Sonnet 29.

 

The new boss had found himself a quiet place up on the roof of the fort's central building, a good place to watch the sun set on his first day as commander of Castelo Fort. He was sitting hunched up with his arms around his knees and his chin resting upon them, and it would not be diplomatic to say that he was crying. It was quiet up there, and Gaddes had approached quietly, but when he heard a rather tearful sniff he reconsidered and backtracked, deliberately making more noise on the ladder as he returned to the rooftop. The young man was perfectly composed when he reached him this time; if he was blowing his nose rather vigorously, well, the swamp plants gave some people hay fever at first.

'It's not a bad view, is it?' Gaddes said, hooking his thumbs on his belt and looking out at the frontier swamps with a proprietorial air. Thick, dark vegetation stretched for miles in all directions, except where it was broken by the cliffs of the river gorge. The river ran down from Fanelia; up in the mountains there it was a swift sharp flow of snowmelt, but down here it changed character, seeming to want to try out different possibilities, or perhaps suffering an identity crisis. There were misty bayous, stagnating oxbow lakes left behind by the changing watercourse, deep rusty-looking pools, treacherous quicksands, places where it forgot about being one river and frayed into dozens of meandering channels, creating dozens more small marshy islands before reuniting its stream, and behind the fort, there was a waterfall whose soft blurry roar was hardly distinguishable to the ears of men who had lived there for some time, although its cessation would have startled them as much as that of their own heartbeats. Eventually, the river decided that although it had been a fascinating experience trying out all these alternative lifestyles, it was happiest being an honest, uncomplicated river, and so it flowed on down into Asturia and out to lose itself in the sea.

Gaddes' unambitious attempt at conversation met with no reply. He turned his gaze to look down at the man sitting beside him - although, really, calling him a man was just being diplomatic again. He was not much more than a tall boy. He was far finer stuff than you would expect to see in a place like this, too; everything about him screamed - no, _bespoke_ quality, in a quiet, well-modulated voice, with an upper-crust accent. He had got through a whole day in the humidity and dirt of the swamps without staining his pristine gloves or developing damp circles under the arms of his starched white shirt. Everything about him looked soft and glossy and clean, particularly his blond hair, bobbed at chin length. There you could see the only flaw in his façade, because by this time of day even he had a trace of golden stubble along his jawline. He must have shaved this morning, on the ship coming here; Gaddes found his hand had gone absent-mindedly to his own face, gloved fingers rasping against a three-day growth. He felt a bit grubby by comparison, but a few days of swamp life would be a great leveller.

'I said, it's a nice view,' he tried again, because perhaps this stranger from Pallas, this  scion of the Knights of Heaven, just hadn't been listening the first time.

'I suppose so,' the boy replied, 'but I've never really been happy in the wilderness. I lived somewhere like this for a while when I was younger, and it wasn't a good time in my life.'

'Well, if you don't talk about your tragic past, I won't talk about mine. Fair deal?'

The boy looked up at him in apparent surprise, but he seemed to relax a little as he saw that Gaddes was smiling at him.

'You have a tragic past?' he said, with a trace of amusement. 'You look too cheerful.'

'I'm cheerful by nature,' Gaddes said. 'I don't let things bother me. That's pretty much the attitude here. No-one gets too uptight about anything. I thought, you know, I'd come up and we could have a chat about what you can expect here.' He sat down and leaned back on his hands, still smiling easily.

'I only expect that the men will obey my orders and behave like decent soldiers,' the boy said, a little stiffly.

'I think,' Gaddes said judiciously, 'you might want to revise your expectations. Like, down a bit.'

'You're telling me they won't obey me? They were all right today.'

'Well, they were sizing you up. Getting your measure. What you've got to understand is that the old boss didn't make trouble for anyone. We didn't see a lot of him, one day to the next. He had his still, he had his pipe, and he was pretty happy, I guess.'

'He was a drunkard who died of a heart attack,' said the boy, frowning. 'I don't call that being a good commander.'

'No-one needs you to be a good commander,' Gaddes said. 'All we need is for you not to make any trouble.'

'Is this a threat?' The boy's sky-blue eyes narrowed.

'Hell, no. I'm just trying to prepare you. Help you out, like your sergeant should. We're happy here. You can be happy too, you just need to… be realistic. This ain't the Knights of Heaven, and it ain't a Sunday school. I'm guessing you've fallen from grace too, if you're out here.' He raised his eyebrows. 'What'd you do, anyway?'

'I thought you didn't want to talk about our tragic pasts,' he said, looking away.

'This is our shady pasts, not our tragic ones.'

'I'm not sure it's any of your business,' the boy said, with a trace of haughty reserve.

'Fine,' said Gaddes pleasantly. They were both quiet for a while. The sun sank lower; its lower edge was touching the lip of the horizon now, and it began to bleed fire into the surrounding sky.

'I beg your pardon, Sergeant,' the boy said slowly, 'but I can't remember your name. I know we were introduced this afternoon but I'm afraid it didn't stick. Could you remind me…?'

'Samivel Gaddes,' said Gaddes readily, and offered his right hand for a shake. 'Call me Gaddes if you like. I'm not used to being Sergeant and I probably won't answer.'

'Allen Schezar,' the boy said, reciprocating. 'Is it too much to expect you to call me Captain, or Sir, or anything of that kind?' There was a trace of humour in the way he said that, which confirmed Gaddes in his tendency to like him. He was posh, but not toffee-nosed. He might be quite decent once he had had the corners knocked off him.

'I'd call you Boss if you'd like,' Gaddes offered, grinning back. 'That's what I called the last guy, when I needed to call him anything.'

'Boss,' said Allen wryly, rolling the sound round in his mouth. 'I suppose that's the best I can get. Is it? Really?'

'Fraid so,' said Gaddes. 'And that's me being friendly and polite, because I like the looks of you. Some of the others might be a little… cheeky.'

'Oh, joy,' Allen said, with a heavy sigh. He shook back his hair, turning his face to the ruddy light of the sunset. 'Still, I won't lose heart. Even if I am stuck at the back of beyond, I won't lose my standards either. I do appreciate your intent in warning me, but I am determined to make the best of this situation and make some changes for the better in this place. If my destiny is to be warden of the swamps, at least I'll be the best warden of the swamps I can.'

'It's really sad,' Gaddes said, 'a nice kid like you.' He shook his head and made a 'tsk tsk' sound.

'I'm not a kid,' Allen said indignantly. 'I'm - almost seventeen. How old are _you?_ '

'If you're almost seventeen, I'm almost nineteen.'

'You look older,' Allen said dubiously.

'Thanks.' Gaddes looked at him sideways, slyly. 'Go on. What did you really do? I just can't imagine what someone who looks like you, and only sixt-  sorry, almost seventeen years old, could've done already to get booted out to a place like this.'

Allen looked down at the toes of his well-polished brown boots, rubbed at a new scuff mark with his thumb and looked at it ruefully as he realised it was not coming off.

'If I told you,' he said cautiously, 'would it be in confidence, or would you tell the men? What I mean is, are you on my side, or theirs?'

'Iiii… don't like taking sides. But, like I said, I like the looks of you, and I don't want to make your life any harder. I'm just curious. I won't tell anyone else if you don’t want me to. Break my heart across your knee.'

Allen regarded him, considering it. 'You have an honest face, you know,' he said. 'I do feel as though I can trust you.'

'That's what those other poor fools said,' Gaddes said, and flashed him another grin. 'Go on.'

'Well, you know… the royal family? There are three princesses.'

'Big, middle-sized and little,' Gaddes said, nodding. 'I heard they married the oldest girl off to the Duke of Freid. Princess Marlene, that's the one.'

'Yes, just recently,' Allen said. 'Princess Marlene.' There was something in his tone as he spoke her name that caught Gaddes' attention. 'She's - she's very much loved by the people of her new home,' he went on, 'and of course by her husband. She's going to have a baby, you know.'

'I didn't know, actually. Royal gossip tends to get to us a few months late, out here. We're never exactly up with the latest developments in princess news. So she's having a baby, so what?'

'So,' Allen said, once again becoming very interested in the state of his boots, 'that's my fault.' He said it so quickly and softly that Gaddes almost didn't catch it. He stared open-mouthed at the boy for a long moment, and then began to chuckle, gently at first, but soon laughing so hard that tears came to his eyes.

'Sshh!' Allen hissed. 'People will hear you! What's so funny, anyway?'

'That's bloody _brilliant!_ ' Gaddes managed to say. 'We've got to tell _everyone!_ The guys will think you're a _god!_ '

'I don't want them to think anything of the sort, I'm certainly not _proud_ of it,' Allen said irritably. 'You don't seem to understand at all what I just told you.'

'I understand it all right! Our captain the stud. You can't be modest about a thing like that, mate, in bragging terms that's a gift from God! I mean, most people here just got caught with something that didn't exactly belong to them, or got drunk and disorderly too many times, or told a brass hat what they thought of him, or all three at the same time. But _you_ knocked up a _princess_.'

'Don't talk about it like that,' Allen snapped. 'We were in love. It was all a terrible mess. And I have far too much respect for her to do something so crude as to boast about the fact that I almost ruined her life. It looks as though I _have_ ruined mine. There was a time when I would have said it wasn't my fault because so many things were stacked against me, but this was different, I had a real opportunity -'

'And boy, did you take it!'

'I _had_ an opportunity to make something of myself,' Allen said coldly, 'and do something to merit the faith a good man had in me, when no-one else would have seen any worth in me at all. I let him down sorely.'

'The king?' Gaddes said, puzzled. 'You're still that impressed with him after he sent you out here?'

'Not the king,' Allen said dismissively, as though no-one would seriously consider the possibility. 'Did you ever hear of Balgus, from Fanelia?'

'Well, yeah, he's a legend. You know Balgus?'

'The mighty Balgus trained me as a swordsman,' Allen said, with genuine reverence. 'It was entirely thanks to his teaching that I was able to get into the Knights of Heaven. Without him I would probably soon have died; I held my own life at no worth whatever. He was the father I wished I'd had. I don't know if he knows exactly what happened but I hope I never meet him again, because I know I couldn't look him in the eye.'

'Wow,' said Gaddes, quietly impressed. 'You get the best of everything. You _have_ come down in the world.'

'Perhaps I've just returned to my natural level,' Allen said grimly. 'Among thieves and bandits. But at least I know there is something better. I have an ideal to strive for, and I refuse to stop trying because I have failed once. As long as I live, I can keep trying to redeem myself, and repay my great debt.'

Gaddes stared at him, waiting for a wink or a grin or _something_ , but he seemed to be totally in earnest. He was staring into the sunset with a look in his eyes like the sort of people you saw in paintings of heroic battles and rescues and things. Once when he went AWOL for a couple of days in Pallas (sort of by accident, but it was a long story), Gaddes had passed some time before the pubs opened by looking round the big art gallery they had there. It had left him with a rather confused impression that either people had been somehow different in the olden days (and in the case of the sculptures, had worn a lot less clothing), or arty types had more imagination than he had given them credit for. But here was a face just like the paintings, full of noble, selfless resolve, in reality, in the present. It gave him a chill. The weird part was the feeling that he could actually do it.

'Well, if you're sure you want to,' he said lamely. 'I won't try and stop you.'

'Thank you,' said Allen, giving him a warm smile which was totally normal and human. 'Do you want to tell me about your shady past after all?'

'I may as well, but it's not as good as yours. I was accused of buggery, with one of the other guys in my first regiment. They couldn't prove anything, and they had to find me not guilty at the court martial, or I'd be in jail somewhere by now - but anyway, next thing I knew I got sent out here with a supposed promotion to sergeant. This is where you end up when nowhere else wants you. So you can't corrupt anyone else with your own special vice, whatever it might be, because they're all taken up with vices of their own. Seducing princesses is a bit classier than allegedly seducing a corporal.' Gaddes shrugged. He had kept looking Allen in the eye the entire time. No point looking as though he had anything to hide. He half wanted to laugh again, because Allen was blushing so much.

'Well - I don't mean to insult you, but did you do it?'

'Well,' said Gaddes reflectively, scratching his nose, 'does it really mean anything if I tell you no? Because even if I had done it, I'd still say no, because I'm not stupid. If it makes you feel any better, no I did not. All right?'

'I have insulted you,' Allen said. 'I'm sorry. Of course you didn't.'

'Corporal Esper,' Gaddes said, in a reminiscent tone, 'had one eye higher up than the other, a pockmarked face, and duck's disease. Apart from the lack of evidence, I always thought the case would've foundered on lack of _motive_.' He grinned at Allen, inviting him to find it funny.

'I think it's absolutely terrible that a man's career should be destroyed by a false accusation like that,' Allen said earnestly, and rather heatedly. 'I've actually done something to deserve this setback, but you're suffering just because of someone else's malice. What became of the corporal?'

'Well, it was sad. He couldn't take it any more, and they found this note on his bed…'

'He committed suicide?' Allen's eyes widened; he looked shocked as well as dismayed.

'No, let me finish, this note saying he couldn't remain where his word was disbelieved, and like you said, his career was ruined because someone had nothing better to do than go around making allegations, so he was going to find somewhere where no-one knew him and start again. He did a runner in the middle of the night. I sort of wished I'd thought of that, but once it was found they kept a very close eye on me until I was sent here so I didn't get an opportunity. But I’m not actually suffering. Like I said, we're happy here. There's not a heck of a lot to do.'

'But I've heard that these woods are rife with bandits!' Allen said.

'Well… yes… your point being?'

'Then there's a great deal to do! We have to organise patrols, protect the law-abiding local population, arrest criminals and send them to - ' He stopped, snapping his fingers irritably as he tried to remember something - 'the next town downriver where they've got a magistrate, what's it called? For a proper trial and sentencing.'

'Lamor,' said Gaddes, 'but they won't thank you for it. You'll just annoy the bosses and they'll start demanding more protection money. That magistrate hasn't convicted a bandit for twelve years. He knows his place and we know ours. As long as we don't make trouble for the bandits, they allow us to stay here and play at soldiers.'

'But you have weapons, armour and melefs,' Allen said, incredulously. 'How can you be afraid of a lot of grubby little swamp bandits?'

'Boss, you don't know what swamp bandits are _like_.'

'Actually, I do, for the very good reason that I used to be one,' he replied crisply.

' _You?_ '

'Me. I used to live…' he glanced at the half of the sun which remained visible and took a bearing along his arm, 'over _that_ way, in the wetland forests near the coast. I met Balgus when he was on his way back to Fanelia from a journey of self-improvement, and tried to rob him.' He smiled wryly. 'As you may imagine, he trounced me. But he also went easy on me. I expected and rather wanted to be killed. And he said to me, "Why are you in such a hurry to die?" It was the first time anyone had shown a genuine interest in me for far too long. My life began to change and gain meaning from that moment.'

'So what are you going to do, reform the bandits with understanding and sympathy?'

'Oh, goodness no. That is, I don't expect all of them to be reformable. I'm sure there are many hardened criminals out there who consider others' lives of even less value than I considered my own. But there may be boys and young men who are like I was, who see no alternative to a life of degradation and wrong-doing and need to be shown. We have such an opportunity to make a difference for good, Gaddes! I'm sure we can do it. I can count on you, can't I?' He put an enthusiastic hand on Gaddes' shoulder, looking brightly into his eyes.

'Are you _serious?_ ' Gaddes managed to say.

'Absolutely! We must lose no time in starting. Once the men see what I'm talking about, they'll come round.' He got to his feet with a quick, elastic movement. 'Come with me and tell me about the local situation in more detail. I'll need to make some notes. Give me a night to consider our strategy, and tomorrow we can start setting the swamp to rights!'

 

Gaddes kept asking himself why he had gone along with any of it. It was so obviously doomed to failure. It was just so hard to say no to Allen (which perhaps explained something about the princess situation). It wasn't that he was forceful or intimidating, just that he seemed to have such faith that you would be as keen as he was, never mind the practicalities of it, that you sort of got carried along before you knew where you stood. There was absolutely no reason to think that it would work.

It had.

They had set off together before sparrow-fart that morning. First Allen had woken everyone up hours earlier than normal by standing in the middle of the barracks yard and blowing reveille on the fort's dented trumpet. Again and again, until the men had emerged, scratching, yawning and regarding him with bleary-eyed suspicion. Then he had made them a bright, enthusiastic speech about what he proposed to do. They had looked at him blankly. He asked for volunteers, and got a laugh. Instead of getting angry, he said that he understood they had not had good leadership in the past and he had a lot to prove to them. He was confident that they would regain their faith in themselves and their abilities, with a little encouragement and a good example from their officers. Everyone looked sideways at each other. Faith in themselves? What was he going on about? Who wanted leadership anyway? This was a dead-end posting, but at least it was a soft one as long as you didn't mind the climate and the mosquitoes.

'Very well,' Allen said, 'Sergeant Gaddes and I will show you what can be done. Right, Gaddes?' He turned and smiled at Gaddes, who found the sudden attention horribly embarrassing. He had known to get up and dressed early, judging by the surprise Allen had expressed last night at hearing that they didn't observe any precise rising-hour, but he hadn't realised he would be singled out to do anything. Frankly he had been hoping that when Allen saw how unmoved the men were by any suggestion of actual work he would get discouraged and go back to bed himself. Now Allen was the only person in the whole fort who was smiling at him, or looked as if he ever would again. The combined force of dirty looks from the men would have knocked him over if it had been something physical. _Wonderful. Everyone thinks I'm a sell-out and a brown-nose._

But it was the _way_ Allen was smiling. He would feel like a bastard if he let him down.

'Um, right, Boss,' he said, wondering what he was letting himself in for.

It turned out to be a long walk through the swamp, not as unpleasant as it would have been if the day were a little more advanced and the sun hotter, but still a pretty hard slog. Allen obviously was familiar with a swamp environment; he was better at avoiding hidden slippery mud and the sort of foliage that enjoyed slapping you in the face than Gaddes was. He sweated a little, certainly, but he didn't get his clothes dirty or fall painfully on his backside or accidentally walk right into a small but deep stagnant creek entirely grown over with ferns. Nor did he laugh at Gaddes when any of these things happened to him, until the creek incident, when he did appear to be biting his lip somewhat.

'Have you not been out in the swamp much?' he asked in neutral tones, while Gaddes was wringing out his socks. 'You don't seem familiar with the local landmarks.'

 _And you only just got here, so how do you seem to know your way? It's as if whatever way you decided to walk would_ be _the right way._

'Well, no. People stay in the fort where it's safe.'

'How do you get supplies in, though? You buy produce from the local peasantry, don't you?'

'Yeah, but they bring it to us. I don't know where they live.'

'That's the first thing to fix,' Allen said positively. 'This trail ought to lead us to someone's home.'

'What trail?'

'The one we're following,' Allen said patiently. 'The one that leads away from the cleared area at the base of the stockade. Look, haven't you noticed the blazes cut into the trees? Quite elaborate markers, too - I wouldn't be surprised if there's a local system of signage indicating things like the distance to certain places and the conditions to expect there. Without being familiar with the local symbols I would guess that this castleish thing here stands for "Castelo Fort" and this half-arrowhead is a directional marker. The pattern of dots might indicate distance, or a notation like “you can sell produce here.” I thought surely you'd seen that.'

'Honestly, no,' Gaddes said. 'I was too busy trying to see where I was going.' Allen gave him an odd look, but didn't comment. Once Gaddes had his boots back on they proceeded. Gaddes still couldn't see anything he would dignify with the name of a trail, but now he was on the lookout for the markers he could see them, scratched into the trunks of moss-hung trees. They came to the edge of one of the larger watercourses. There was a raft attached to a sort of pulley arrangement strung across the water, so that whichever side you happened to be on, you could pull on the rope and bring the raft over to you, then get on it and pull yourself over to the other shore.

'What a good idea,' Allen said, 'although it needs a little maintenance.' The raft was so slimy with algae that Gaddes wasn't sure he could stand up on it.

'Rafts are clearly the only way to get very far in the wetter parts of the swamp,' Allen was saying, jauntily stepping onto the greasy boards and taking hold of the rope. 'We'll have to make several. Or perhaps some flat-bottomed punts. Are you fond of boats, Gaddes? Be careful!' Gaddes had almost stumbled into the water at the first pull, only saving himself by grabbing a handful of Allen's puffed sleeve.

'I think perhaps you'd better sit down,' Allen said. 'Your feet are wet enough without soaking the rest of yourself. Besides which, do you have alligators here?'

'Huge mothers,' Gaddes said, sinking into a more stable crouch. 'Which is one reason why we don't mess around in the swamp. Then there's the mosquitoes, which are the size of small dogs, and the leeches, and the snakes, and the vampire bats, and the flying lizards, and the possums…'

'Oh, come on,' said Allen, 'what can opossums possibly do to you?'

'You haven't met _these_ possums,' said Gaddes darkly. 'They're savage little bastards.'

'Well, even alligators need not discourage us if we proceed sensibly,' Allen said, drawing them up to the bank. 'After you.'

A few more minutes' walking brought them to something that actually did look like a trail to Gaddes' eyes, and by following it they reached a ramshackle fence enclosing a small yard around an old swamp cottage, the kind that looked as though it had grown, rather than being built. There was smoke coming from the chimney, chickens running in the yard and a small girl sitting on the doorstep sucking her fingers.

'Good morning, my dear!' Allen called to her, leaning over the gate. 'Would you run inside and tell your father there's someone to see him?' The child looked at him saucer-eyed, then scrambled up and ran into the house.

'I hope I didn't frighten her,' Allen said. 'Do you recognise her?'

'No. No-one brings little kids to the fort.'

The front door opened a little and an older girl, about fourteen, looked out suspiciously.

'I do know her,' Gaddes said. 'Maeleen Quin. She helps her mum and dad bring vegetables up to us.'

'Good morning, Miss Quin!' Allen called out cheerfully. 'I'm terribly sorry to disturb you, but is your father at home?'

'Mum and Dad have gone to Lamor,' she said. 'It's market today. They went last night.'

'Ah. Well, perhaps you would tell him that I called? I'm simply introducing myself, I am the new commander of Castelo Fort and I wished to make myself known to the people I am here to serve.'

 _I think I'm going to die of embarrassment by association,_ Gaddes thought. _Doesn't he know that's not how you talk to swamp people? They're little and shifty and scared, and they won't look you in the eye, and they're sharp enough to cut themselves, especially when it comes to taking your money. They don’t trust anyone, including each other._

However, Maeleen came out of the house and down to the fenceline, although she did not open the gate. She put her hands on her hips and looked the two of them over critically.

'I know _you_ ,' she said to Gaddes. 'Is he really your boss?'

'Yes,' he admitted. 'He's new,' he added by way of explanation.

'Allen Schezar,' said Allen, and bowed as though he were meeting a perfumed and powdered lady of the court, rather than a girl in an old calico shift with her brown hair in an unravelling braid. If there hadn't been a gate between them, you really thought he might have taken her hand and kissed it.

'Is he _really_ your boss?' she asked Gaddes again, with a delightedly incredulous smile. 'I mean, is he _real?_ ' Gaddes shrugged.

'I realise that the former commander did not, perhaps, take as much of an interest in those under his protection as he should have,' Allen said. 'I wish to remedy that. If you have concerns, I wish to know of them.'

At the word _protection_ , Maeleen's smile had collapsed into a frown. 'We're not going to pay _you_ as well as that mob up the creek,' she said. 'We give you a discount on potatoes as it is.'

'I assure you that nothing is further from my mind,' Allen said. 'This mob up the creek to which you refer - do you mean a gang of bandits?'

'Of course I do,' she said. 'Aidan's gang. And we pay the bill every fortnight, on the nail. We don't owe anyone anything. Until next week,' she added, as an afterthought.

'Could you direct me to their headquarters?' Allen asked courteously. 'I think I should meet Mr Aidan.'


	2. Chapter 2

Things had gone alarmingly fast from there. The next thing Gaddes knew, they were squelching along a creek bank making for the bandits' hideout. He had tried to point out to Allen that it was absolutely crazy, and Allen had just said he was touched by his concern, but there was no need to worry about him. And then they were walking right up to the hideout itself, under the roots of a massive hunchbacked fig tree. Allen had told him to wait under cover, only coming forward if he gave a signal, which he had been only too glad to do, except he felt terrible about letting him go ahead by himself. He resolved that in any case, he would try to get the body back so the kid could be sent home to his family for a decent burial.

Only one or two bandits were actually awake, standing guard in a desultory manner. Allen strode up to them and asked in a clear, ringing voice to see Mr Aidan. After much bug-eyed staring, and with some nasty sniggering, the bandit chief was eventually brought forth. Gaddes had never seen Aidan in person before, but he matched up pretty exactly to his reputation. He was built like a brick shithouse, if you could imagine a shithouse with a grin full of gold teeth, dreadlocked ginger hair and two machetes crossed over its back, and despite the grin, in a filthy temper at being woken from its morning lie-in.

Allen had challenged him to a duel.

Then, when the bandits had finished laughing, he had repeated the challenge.

 _He's actually mad. That explains it. It's a shame, because I really do like him, but he's obviously completely barking. You get that in posh families, don't you, too much inbreeding. They look all right on the outside, but inside, cuckoo! Cuckoo!_

Aidan had called all his men to watch the duel.

Gaddes had never seen anyone lose a fight so fast.

The bizarre part was, Allen didn't even fight dirty. He was simply so quick and so deadly accurate that there was nothing Aidan could do; somehow, wherever he aimed a blow, Allen was never in the way when it got there. First he lost one machete, the rusty steel blade sheared through by a deft stroke of Allen's shining sword; then the other was struck from his hand by a wicked sting from the point of it.

'Do you yield, sir?' Allen asked, holding the blade motionless a breath away from Aidan's bristly throat.

'Uh, yeah,' said Aidan, swallowing and looking as though he regretted it when his adam's apple bobbed against the cold metal edge. One by one, the other bandits melted away into the bushes.

And _then_ , as if the previous impossibilities were not enough for one day, Gaddes found himself bringing up the rear as Allen led Bloody Aidan, terror of the swamps, or of that bit anyway, back to the fort with his hands tied behind his back and a rope around his neck. He was carrying a bag containing the sum total of the gang's portable assets, a double handful of gold coins and some gaudy jewellery. Allen said they were going to return it to its proper owners, or if they couldn't be found, redistribute it amongst the local poor. Gaddes felt like pointing out that he was quite poor himself, as was anyone getting a sergeant's salary, but he felt sure Allen wouldn't see it that way. He was getting an inkling now of why he went along with all this; he was dying to see what happened next.

When they came to the gates of the fort, there was no-one to be seen. Allen shaded his eyes and looked up at the battlements with a faint air of exasperation.

‘They’re probably having their after-lunch kip,’ Gaddes said apologetically. ‘We’ve been gone hours.’

‘Tight little operation you’ve got going here,’ said Aidan. Allen absent-mindedly tugged on the halter rope and he choked into silence. At this point, the crown of a bald head came into view over the tops of the battlements. Its owner did not appear to be looking over the battlements or through the arrow-slits, just standing there.

‘And that’ll be Oruto having a smoke,’ said Gaddes. ‘Good place to catch the sun.’ He gave Aidan a nasty look in case he was thinking of commenting on that too.

Allen cupped his hands around his mouth. ‘Hey! Up there!’

The head rapidly vanished. After a few seconds’ pause it reappeared, cautiously, rising high enough for the eyes to come into view.

‘Who goes there?’ Oruto called out, as if he was not sure he was getting the terminology right.

‘Your commanding officer! Open the gate!’

‘How do I know it’s you?’

‘Don’t piss around, Oruto, you can _see_ it’s us!’ Gaddes yelled back.

‘Give the password!’

‘What’s the password?’ asked Allen.

‘We don’t _have_ a password,’ Gaddes growled, ‘he’s being a prick. Oruto! Open the gate now or I’ll make you eat those knives you chuck around!’

‘Not from out there you won’t,’ came the undeniable reply.

‘Oruto,’ Allen called, ‘this is a direct order. Kindly open the gate and let us in now.’

Silence.

‘Shit,’ said Gaddes. ‘Look, Boss, it’s just Oruto being Oruto. If it was anyone else they’d open up. We just need to wait until someone else comes out.’

‘But they’re having their afternoon kip,’ Aidan pointed out.

‘Don’t help!’ Gaddes snapped.

‘Is Oruto always this paranoid?’ Allen asked. Gaddes checked and yes, he was in earnest again. He seemed to have a dangerous tendency to assume the best of people. He looked _worried_ about Oruto.

‘He’s not _paranoid_ , he’s a wanker,’ Gaddes said wearily. ‘Oruto,’ he called out again, in a wheedling tone, ‘we’ve got moneeeeeey.’

‘Money?’

‘M-O-N-E-Y, pronounced money.’

‘I’ll be right down.’

A few moments later, one half of the gate swung open, letting them walk in.

‘Right!’ said Oruto cheerfully, closing it behind the three. ‘Let’s see that money!’

‘I never said we’d _give_ you any,’ said Gaddes, grinning. ‘I can’t believe you. Ten-year-old kids know that one.’

‘You want that smile to go all the way to your ears?’ Oruto demanded, weighing one of his throwing knives in his hand. At this point he noticed Aidan, who was looking disgusted at being captured by this class of person. The effect was rather gratifying to observe; he went so pale you could tell what had been tan and what had been dirt in the overall brownness of his complexion. It was only for a moment, and he made an impressive recovery, but he was clearly shaken.

‘That’s Bloody Aidan,’ he said.

‘Yes,’ said Allen, rather crisply. ‘We captured him. I haven’t inspected the entire fort yet, but I assume we do have some sort of holding facilities for prisoners?’

‘There’s the cooler,’ said Oruto, not taking his eyes off the ferociously sulking bandit.

‘That sounds eminently suitable. Gaddes, put Mr Aidan in the cooler, please. Oruto, summon the rest of the men. I’d like them all to see this.’

 

They were suitably impressed, although there were the usual voices of scepticism.

‘It’s a trick,’ someone at the back said. ‘They’ve got someone to dress up as Aidan.’

‘Why would we do that?’ Gaddes asked.

‘No offence, Sarge, but we _know_ you didn’t go out and catch Bloody Aidan.’

‘ _I_ didn’t go out, _we_ went out. This is the Boss’ work,’ Gaddes explained. ‘All right, all right, people who’ve had a look move to the back, let some fresh ones through. You’ll all get a turn. Don’t throw him peanuts, we feed him.’

‘I am _not_ a menagerie animal,’ said Aidan resentfully from inside the cell.

‘You act like an animal,’ Allen said sternly, ‘so now you are being treated like one. I would like you all to observe, men, exactly how fearsome Mr Aidan is when stripped of his weapons and removed from the company of his accomplices. In and of himself, he is nothing. He is by all accounts a cowardly ruffian the least of us can look down on. For too long, people like him have held sway in this region, and we are going to change that.’ He was standing against the wall, his arms folded across his chest.

‘My “accomplices” will be coming for me as soon as it gets dark,’ Aidan said, grinning an expensive grin. His gold dentistry gleamed in the flickering torch-light of the cell. ‘They’ll be getting ready right now, while your lot are standing round gawking at the big scary bandit.’

‘My lot,’ Allen said coolly, ‘will be ready for them.’ He turned smartly and strode out of the cell, followed by cries of protest from his men. No-one would have shut or locked the cell door if Gaddes had not remembered. He could hear Aidan laughing, with an intimidating echo effect, as he hurried up the steps to the main yard. Everyone was milling around indignantly, agreeing with each other that they couldn’t possibly hold off a full-on bandit attack and the new boss was clearly mental. Allen stepped onto a crate standing against the palisade wall and held up his hands for quiet. The strange thing was, after a moment or so it worked.

‘Gentlemen!’ he began, which got another ready laugh. ‘I understand that you may be daunted by the prospect of the task ahead. However, I assure you that you are more than equal to it, and with efficient co-operation and adherence to strategy we will achieve victory.’

‘How!?’ yelled Reeden.

‘I’m glad you asked,’ said Allen. ‘I have a plan.’

And stranger still, they listened. Every now and again someone would ask a question, but only half-jeeringly, and gradually not jeeringly at all.

 _They’re already shaken up that the kid actually got Aidan. Now anything seems possible, or at least uncertain,_ Gaddes reflected as he watched Allen draw an enthusiastic and efficient battle plan in the dust of the yard with a pointed stick. _His men would follow him anywhere_ , he thought wryly, _if only out of morbid curiosity._

 

The sun was once more setting as Gaddes climbed the ladder to the rooftop, still feeling mildly stunned at the night and day that had passed. The afternoon of their return had been spent in feverish preparations for the bandits’ attack. There were still many of the men who would have refused indignantly to lift a hand, except that if they still wanted to _have_ hands, or indeed any other significant body parts come morning, they didn’t have much choice. There was some grumbled resentment of Allen for getting them all into this, and Gaddes didn’t see that there was much he could do about that without firmly establishing a reputation as Allen’s nark. It had to be proven that Allen was right before he would be forgiven for siding with him; he was on thin ice as it was.

It made him a little annoyed that Allen had done this to him after he’d said he didn’t like to take sides, and yet he couldn’t point to any way in which Allen had _made_ him do anything against his will. He could always have said no, he simply hadn’t. He had never expected it to go so far.

Everyone had been tense and keyed-up as twilight came, naturally enough. Heavy cloud had come down in the afternoon and there was no proper sunset; it promised to be a very dark night, which made a lot of people feel worse. They waited in their places, straining their ears to hear more than the sounds of the swamp’s teeming wildlife.

Then the bandits had screamed in the night and attacked. There had been no more time for nerves, almost no time for thought. Many of the men of the fort had never been in a proper battle before, unless you counted the larger street fights. This was different. This wasn’t the chaos of a brawl; every man had a duty assigned to him, and somehow, to their own awe, they found themselves becoming integrated parts of a large and powerful machine. It didn’t work perfectly by any means; there was clumsiness and panic and several mistakes that almost ruined everything, but somehow they prevailed. Allen seemed to be everywhere at once, shouting orders and exhortations, sword flashing as he went through the ranks of the bandits like a shark through water.

And somehow, as the first watery light of dawn broke, they had the surviving bandits sitting in a snivelling, mutinous cluster in the middle of the yard, hands on their heads, ringed in by men with polearms.

‘Take them to the cells,’ Allen said, wiping his sword on the hem of his overskirt. There was nothing glossy about him now; he had gotten good and dirty in the fight, and had a rather painful-looking burn on his chin and cheekbone from a firebomb that had gone astray. ‘We’ll take them downriver for trial once we’ve got this place cleaned up.’

The men looked at each other in disbelief, but he clearly meant it. Somehow, after all that, no-one said no. Even as they put out smouldering fires, repaired gaps in the stockade, scrubbed blood off the walls and dug graves for the handful of bandits who had fallen in the attack (no casualties for the fort, and the most serious wounds had been accidentally self-inflicted by Kio, who was using a bow too short for him and had managed to shoot himself in the heel of the hand), the grumbling was more muted than it had been the previous evening. They worked like dogs all morning and most of the afternoon, but eventually the fort was probably in better condition than it had been before the fight. At late afternoon, Allen had called a halt to the work and given them, he said, a well-earned rest. The men, most of them still with the stains of battle on their faces and clothes, hardly seemed to know what to do, but after a bit some of them wandered off to the well to draw water for washing, and others brought up a few barrels from the cellar and had a drink which they felt was even better earned than the rest.

That dazed, what-the-fuck-just-happened mood seemed set to prevail for the rest of the afternoon, but as the day cooled people seemed to revive, and began new preparations for a victory celebration. Allen was nowhere to be seen at this stage, but Gaddes thought he knew where to find him, which was why he was now climbing the ladder one-handed and carrying two bottles in the other hand.

True to form, Allen was sitting on the flat roof, watching the sunset as tranquilly as if he had never moved from the spot. He turned his head as he heard Gaddes approaching, and smiled up at him.

‘We showed them,’ he said, with evident pride.

‘Yep,’ said Gaddes, sitting down beside him and offering him a bottle, ‘those bastards won’t try it on with us again.’

‘I meant the men,’ Allen said. ‘We showed them what they can do. If I’d asked you yesterday whether we could do that, would you have said yes?’

‘I wouldn’t’ve said anything, I’d be laughing too hard.’ Gaddes took a swig from his bottle. ‘I suppose you were proving a point?’

‘Of course,’ Allen said. ‘I knew it would be all right. This is an excellent position for defence, and really, the men are much more capable than they seemed at first glance. We had superior numbers and weaponry, and ultimately the whole thing was a foregone conclusion.’

‘I’d have said that, too, but from the other side.’ Gaddes shook his head. ‘Tell me one thing, Boss, are we going to do that kind of thing a lot from now on?’

‘As much as we need to,’ Allen said. ‘Although I anticipate it will get easier after an initial difficult period, because many bandits should move off to other areas where they meet with less resistance. We’ll only have to deal with the hard-core hangers-on here.’

‘What fun,’ said Gaddes dryly.

‘I know,’ said Allen, with a self-deprecating smile, ‘but you know it’s worth it. Thank you for all your work, Gaddes.’

‘I didn’t do anything much,’ Gaddes said, surprised, ‘it was all your plan. I just did what you showed me.’ Something that had been bothering him at the back of his mind pushed to the front. ‘Listen, why’d you leave me behind at the bandits’? Did you not think I’d be any use? I guess I seemed pretty pathetic to you coming through the swamp.’

‘Oh no,’ said Allen. ‘It was a calculated risk, because I thought it would be more effective if I appeared alone. Believe me, I would much rather have had you by my side, but a lone challenger made Aidan fatally overconfident.’

‘Uh-huh,’ said Gaddes, not entirely convinced. _Like you needed that advantage. I’m going to have to raise my standards a lot just to keep from feeling like crap around you. And not because you’d ever try to make me feel like it; somehow it’d be worse because you wouldn’t. You actually seem to believe in me, which makes me wonder what’s wrong with you. It’s not that I’m such a waste of space, but I’m not as good as all that._

‘Balgus always said that you win the fight before it begins if you can make your opponent lose mastery of himself,’ Allen said thoughtfully, tapping the neck of his bottle against the unburned side of his chin. The burn itself did not look too bad now that he had washed his face; it was red and puffy but seemed unlikely to leave a scar. From the other side, where Gaddes was sitting, his face in profile still looked perfect.

‘Well, however you did it, you kicked his ass,’ Gaddes said. ‘Cheers.’

‘Cheers.’ They clinked the bottles together, and sat quietly a while longer, gazing into the sunset.

‘The boys’ll be having a party tonight,’ Gaddes said. ‘That’s all right with you, right?’

‘Of course. They deserve some fun after what they’ve just been through. It’s certainly not my intention to make their lives joyless and exhausting. You must go and enjoy yourself too, Gaddes.

‘Well, you’ll come too, won’t you?’

‘Do you think I should?’ Allen said, looking concerned. ‘Sometimes the presence of an officer can be an awful wet blanket. They may not feel they can relax with me there.’

‘Don’t worry,’ Gaddes told him. ‘These guys could relax on a clothesline. They’ll like it. You can’t stay up here like you _know_ you’re too good for them. Come on. We’ll get you drunk. As long as I’m conscious I won’t let them try to do any sort of horrible initiation ritual on you. After that you’re on your own.’

‘How can I resist an invitation like that?’ Allen asked, grinning briefly, then wincing as the stretch of the smile made his burnt cheek ache.


	3. Chapter 3

These sunset talks became a habit, then a tradition. It gave them time to consult together and discuss the increasingly eventful days, looking back and planning ahead, but also time to enjoy one another’s company. Allen could relax in Gaddes’ presence in a way that he could not with the other men; Gaddes realised he was in a rather privileged position, and felt especially favoured.

Since Allen had come to the fort even the air of the place felt different. The sense of who-gives-a-damn fatalism had lifted, and the men were gradually discovering that actually, they gave at least a darn, possibly a damn, and in some cases a good goddamn. Allen might have been disappointed to realise how few were actually inspired by his vision of justice and peace in the frontier zone, and how many by the sense of power and pride that came with being on the winning side for once, but in any case the effect was the same. Big changes were afoot. The ship Allen had arrived in, his own _Crusade_ , was now at rest in the limestone caves beneath the fort, caves which Allen himself had pointed out made an ideal hidden hangar. And in the big melef chamber, along with the somewhat broken-down models that had made their way, at the end of a long service life, to this end of the earth, loomed the elegantly deadly figure of Scherazade, his chivalric order’s guymelef. An heirloom like this was something rarely seen in the modern world.

 _He really is like something out of the olden days,_ Gaddes thought. _That’s his secret, that’s his charm. I didn’t think there were knights like him any more; if I’m honest I don’t think I seriously believed there ever were._

Terror spread through the criminal population of the swamp like contagion. They had been so used to a total lack of resistance or interference that many were entirely demoralised by the sudden aggression on the part of the army and left altogether. Others, as Allen had predicted, dug their heels in and vowed to fight for their way of life. The magistrate in Lamor had his heaviest caseload in years, and was actually working up the nerve to sentence some of them. The almost invisible population of the swamp, the tenders of tiny farms, the hunters and charcoal-burners and gypsies, took heart and grew a little bolder, as though they actually had a right to make a living here. The different feeling was spreading out there, too.

Allen requisitioned new arms and armour and they actually came. He ordered in books which he offered around to any of the men who might feel like improving their minds, although for the most part he was the only one who read them. He ordered brandy and cigars which he handed around at victory celebrations, and these were much more popular.

‘Why don’t you ever have one too?’ Gaddes asked him. They were breaking habit by watching the moons from the rooftop. That day they had cleaned out a nest of particularly nasty thugs responsible not only for intimidation and robberies but for a few rapes and cold-blooded murders. It was enough to make you feel quite righteous; it was certainly enough to make a few of the men put the boot in when Allen wasn’t looking. He was very set on treating prisoners with decency.

‘What?’ said Allen. He was lying on his back with his head pillowed on his arms, gazing up at the faint blue shimmer of the Mystic Moon, partially eclipsed by the cratered mass of the white moon.

‘You never have a cigar,’ Gaddes said. ‘You’re like the too-good-to-be-true kid who hands round the box of chocolates without even trying to sneak the rum truffles out first.’ He was lying back too, blowing smoke rings at the moons.

‘I just don’t smoke,’ Allen said. ‘I know some of the men do, which is why I ordered them, but I’ve never tried it myself.’

‘Ah well. You’re only almost seventeen.’

‘I can _see_ you grinning without looking. Pipe down about my age, Sergeant.’

‘Oh, I wouldn’t make fun, I know you’ve achieved a lot more than I had when I was almost seventeen.’

‘I’ve had more opportunities,’ said Allen, sounding a little guilty.

‘Don’t talk crap – meaning no disrespect, sir. Doesn’t matter what opportunities we got, we’re both where we are because of what kind of person we were.’

‘We’re both in the same place,’ Allen pointed out. ‘As you poetically put it the other day, the arse end of nowhere. I’d like to consider us equal.’

‘You’re too generous, that’s your trouble,’ Gaddes said. ‘Makes me feel stingy. Go on, you have a puff. At least try it out, you’re paying for it.’ He passed over the cigar. Allen took it rather dubiously, and looked at it very carefully before putting the end in his mouth. After holding the smoke in his mouth for a moment, with a puzzled look, he let it escape.

‘What do you think?’

‘Remarkably nasty,’ Allen said, and coughed slightly. ‘Not to mention pointless.’

‘It’s an acquired taste, they say.’

‘It’s lunacy.’

Gaddes pointed at the full moons and grinned.

‘The phase of the moon is no excuse,’ said Allen, getting to his feet and handing the cigar back. ‘You do it all the time.’

‘I do not, only when you pass the box round.’

‘At least you don’t howl at the moons,’ Allen said, stretching lazily with his hands clasped above his head. ‘My little sister and I used to do that on full-moon nights, until we scared ourselves silly of werewolves and had to sleep in Mother’s bed.’

‘How old are you in this?’

‘Up to ten or eleven – I was a cowardly child.’

‘I can’t believe that.’ Gaddes thought for a moment. ‘You never said you had a sister before. What’s her name?’

‘Her name was Celena,’ Allen said quietly, and Gaddes noticed the significant _was_ , the please-don’t-ask tone, and decided it was time for diplomacy. There was a pause and the moment of danger passed.

‘I don’t know,’ he said lightly, ‘I could go for a howl about now.’

‘It does feel like a wild sort of night,’ Allen said, pacing over to the edge of the rooftop. ‘I can’t be still any more. I was lying there thinking how, if I could, I might fly rings around the moons on the back of a dragon.’

‘Good luck catching one,’ Gaddes said, amused.

‘Don’t you feel it, though?’ Allen asked, turning to look down at him. The moonlight gave him silver edges, and his face was hooded in shadow. ‘Tonight is a night for prowling around, for going where you’re not supposed to. Going where you’re afraid to, and making it yours.’ He stood for a moment looking out at the swamp. ‘Let’s go out,’ he said.

‘Out?’

‘Let’s go for a walk.’

‘In the _swamp_ at _night?_ ’ Even now they weren’t trying to patrol in the hours of darkness, although that was part of Allen’s long-range plan.

‘Hard by the fort it should be perfectly safe. Come on. I feel pent up staying here. Let’s go, Gaddes!’

‘Who’s a lunatic now?’ Gaddes asked. ‘You want to get eaten by mosquitoes?’

‘I fear no mosquito,’ said Allen, grabbing his hand and hauling him to his feet. ‘Come on. You’re going to say yes anyway, it’s just a question of keeping at you.’

‘Did you use that line on your princess?’

‘Good Lord, no. Please, Gaddes!’ Allen looked at him beseechingly, his eyes silvered by the moonlight. Gaddes could feel himself giving in already.

He agreed to go, although he insisted on bringing a pistol crossbow, which Allen pooh-poohed as unnecessary. He seemed to have come over quite reckless.

‘Three feet of cold steel is all I need between me and the hostile world,’ he declared, striding down the path from the fort gates. Teo had let them out, looking bemused but asking no questions. These days he assumed it must be something important. ‘Although if you want to protect me from savage possums,’ Allen went on, laughing, ‘please go ahead.’ He swung the lantern he carried, making the light bob and dance over the ground ahead.

‘You are nuts, of course,’ Gaddes said, but he was only protesting on principle now. There was a sense of enchantment out here, of secrets, of the world at a time that did not belong to people. As usual, he was resonating to Allen’s mood, however reluctantly.

Heading into the scrub at the side of the now well-beaten path to the first homestead, they walked towards the sound of running water.  Gaddes had spent a great deal of time in the swamp since Allen’s arrival and he was much more sure of himself here now, but it was still slightly tricky going in the near-dark, with the glowing light that marked Allen’s position bobbing away ahead of him. Eventually it grew still, and drawing near, he found that Allen had stopped on the bank of a broad bit of creek, an almost still pool above a faster downhill passage, shining his light over the mud at the edge.

‘Does this look like a landing-place to you?’ he asked. ‘Maybe we should use it for the rafts.’

‘If we want to compete with the alligators for berthing space,’ said Gaddes. ‘I know I’m not the outdoorsman you are, but you didn’t have them  in your neck of the woods, and I can tell you that’s what made that slide into the water. Come away from the edge, Boss. They’ll see you.’

‘Don’t make such a fuss,’ Allen said. ‘Alligators are cold-blooded reptiles. That means they’re slow-moving and almost inactive at night. I had a book of natural history as a child.’

‘It’s a warm night, and you’re shining a light right over the water. Please, Boss, I would feel a lot better if you took a few steps back.’ Gaddes sidled closer to the water, trying to work out how to herd Allen away from the bank without having to get nearer to it than he was.

‘Back which way?’ said Allen, grinning and turning to face Gaddes, his back to the water. ‘Why, if I go back _this_ way I’ll just ruin my boots.’

‘It’s not like you to act the goat,’ Gaddes was saying reproachfully, when the water behind Allen erupted in a spout of foam. It was too quick to see what made it; Gaddes leapt at the same time, firing the small crossbow; then there was impact and motion and a short tumble later he was on the ground with both arms around Allen’s waist, staring at the expanding circles of ripples in the water, where the wounded alligator had just made its retreat.

There was a long time in which there was no sound but their rapid breathing; Gaddes could feel his heart crashing against Allen’s back.

‘That was an astonishing shot,’ Allen said, a little weakly. ‘Right in the eye. It’s very hard to hit them anywhere vulnerable.’

‘It was a total fluke,’ Gaddes said. ‘I didn’t have time to aim.’ He thought about it. ‘Right in the eye, and it didn’t die?’

‘They have very tiny brains,’ Allen said.

‘Oh, I forgot, you’re the expert on alligators who’s never seen one. Inactive at night, he says.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘It’s all right. Just, if you ever do something like that again, I’ll hold you down so the alligator can bite a tasty bit.’

‘I’m really sorry, Gaddes.’ Allen was shaking. Gaddes tightened his arms around him a little, worried by the tremors he could feel.

‘And it’s all right. Are you okay?’

‘Yes, I think so. But – it’s strange, _people_ trying to kill me is quite accustomed now, and I don’t panic, but somehow, the – an animal – it… I don’t know how to say it.’

‘I know what you mean. Scared you shitless.’

‘Again, you put your finger on the nub of it.’ Allen shivered. ‘Can we just… keep still for a little while, while I calm myself down? I… feel better like this.’

‘Of course. Don’t worry about it. Take as long as you like.’

‘It must be uncomfortable for you.’

‘Don’t worry about it,’ Gaddes repeated softly.

 

Something strange happened after that night; Allen seemed to go back inside his shell. At first Gaddes thought he was only embarrassed to have been so overconfident and nearly gotten into serious trouble, but it wasn’t just that; he seemed to be withdrawing his friendship, speaking more formally to him and cutting their evening talks short. He also didn’t allow them to get onto any subjects not related to the business of the day; whereas before he had quite often gone off on rambling tangents and told Gaddes about things like a night at the opera house in Pallas or exploits of Balgus, or asked him things about himself, his own thoughts and likings. Now he got to the point and that was it.

After a week of it Gaddes was fed up.

‘Are you mad at me about something?’ he asked bluntly as Allen was getting up to leave. The sun was still on the horizon; he was always dashing off these days before it had time to set properly. Before they had kept talking while the stars came out.

‘Of course not,’ Allen said stiffly, pausing without quite turning to face him. ‘Your work has been excellent.’

‘I don’t mean about work. I know I’m doing my job. I mean personally. Because I thought we were getting on really well, and suddenly you’ve gone dead on me. Did you decide you shouldn’t be getting pally with a lower-class NCO or what?’

‘Oh, no!’ Allen said, sounding distressed that he should think it. He turned back and stood looking at Gaddes in a way that seemed oddly irresolute. He looked as if he couldn’t make up his mind whether to come back and sit down, or run away altogether. ‘No, Gaddes, I’d never be such a snob.’

‘Then what is it? You act like you don’t want to talk to me. Not to get mushy about it, but I thought we were friends.’

‘I – I wanted to be friends too,’ Allen said helplessly.

‘Well, why _not_ be friends? And it’s especially weird that you’re acting like you’ve gone off me since we had that walk and you nearly got yourself eaten.’

‘I know you saved my life, Gaddes, it’s not that I’m ungrateful. Quite the opposite.’

‘Is it one of those things where you get snotty with anyone who’s seen you in a moment of weakness? Don’t you trust me? Do you think I’d tell the guys, or make fun of you? Do I do that? Did I tell them about the princess? You’re not being very fair to me.’

‘It isn’t that at _all_ ,’ said Allen. He shifted from one foot to the other, uncomfortably. ‘I’m _trying_ to be fair to you, to be professional and not bother you.’

‘What do you mean, _bother_ me?’

‘Well – I – it’s embarrassing to say.’ He looked very boyish saying that, very young. Gaddes supposed he had to be patient with him.

‘Would you just tell me so I know where I stand? I don’t enjoy guessing games.’

‘About – about that night,’ Allen said. He was looking at his feet again. ‘How you pushed me back from the water’s edge, and landed on the ground holding me, and I asked to stay like that.’

‘What about it?’

‘Well, I thought surely that must have bothered you.’

‘Why? I told you it was all right.’

‘I thought you were just being nice.’

‘No, I’m only nice if I mean it. See, you’re the one with a sense of duty. You think I’d be anything _like_ a good sergeant if I didn’t actually like you? Why did you think it’d bother me? I still don’t understand that. It’s not as if I think you’re a wimp because you wanted to be close to someone after you were scared. People don’t talk about it, but everyone understands.’

‘But for you, particularly, in your situation,’ Allen said anxiously. ‘I’m trying to be tactful.’

‘You’re just being confusing.’

‘Your whole career was ruined because someone accused you of… of being inappropriately intimate with another man. So surely it would have made you very uncomfortable for me to put you into a situation where we were so close.’

‘It was a _hug_ ,’ said Gaddes flatly. ‘It’s not like I was trying to feel you up. Nice of you not to want to put temptation in my way, but I have got _some_ self-control.’

‘No! You’re getting it reversed, I meant that – well, that you might think _I_ was – that I was…’

‘Asking for it?’ Gaddes said incredulously. He had never thought to look at it from that side.

‘No! Oh, I don’t know what I mean. Because I suppose I was – no – well, I _did_ like being close to you, but just _because_ we’re friends, because…’ He stopped and took a deep breath before starting again. ‘Put it this way. I have been at chamber-music evenings in private houses in Pallas where it would not be considered at all questionable for young men who were friends to sit with their arms around each other listening, or to walk in the garden hand in hand, or to kiss each other at meeting and parting. On the other hand, I have been in bars where the only acceptable way to show affection for another man was to punch him in the arm instead of the face. Admittedly, these are two opposite extremes, but I confess I wasn’t at all sure where you would fall between them in your idea of – of what was an acceptable level of intimacy between friends. And if I seemed too – affectionate, I suppose, you might be repelled and our friendship would be ruined. I think I’ve been overcorrecting my course, and I’ve given you the impression of coldness, which saddens me still more as I may have spoiled the friendship in an effort to preserve it.’ The look on Allen’s face was quite tragic.

‘Boss,’ said Gaddes ruefully, with half a smile, ‘why didn’t you _tell_ me all that instead of thinking it and assuming you knew how I’d feel?’

‘I don’t know,’ Allen admitted. ‘I was just trying to be normal, but I confess I’m not very sure what that is. I grew up mostly in the company of my mother and sister, with an absent father, and I’ve always been afraid that it’s made me effeminate. After I lost them I was alone much of the time. I’ve never had a close male friend before, not one of near my own age. Of course I was tremendously attached to Balgus, but he was my mentor so it was quite different.’

‘Don’t try to be normal,’ Gaddes said, shaking his head. ‘Normality is overrated. I’ve got an aunt who lives her whole life like that, trying to guess what other people expect her to do, and she never pleases herself or anyone else. You’re fine the way you are. You’re a cut above most people I know. I told you I liked you already. I thought you’d be able to tell from that. You can’t say it like that to everyone. You’re right, they pull back and look at you funny. I thought I was showing you there that we could be… like you said, close friends, and it was all right. I suppose I was making the same mistake as you.’

‘Oh,’ said Allen. After a moment, he smiled slightly. ‘I feel a bit of an idiot. But I’m pleased.’

‘So am I, now I know what you’re going on about. Would you just sit down again? You’re making me uncomfortable, hovering like that.’

‘Of course, of course,’ Allen said, sitting down with alacrity. He seemed unable to stop smiling now. ‘So you actually didn’t mind? That’s such a relief!’

‘I told you, it was fine.’ Gaddes paused, a little awkwardly. ‘Do you mean that you want to do stuff like you were saying, like the holding hands bit?’

‘Oh. Oh no.’

‘Because I wouldn’t mind if you did, I mean, we’d have to be discreet about it because I don’t think the guys would understand, but if that’s important to you, if you’d like it…’

‘No, no, I was just offering that as an example.’ There was a small silence full of mutual embarrassment and shyness.

‘It’s a nice sunset tonight,’ Allen said, a shade desperately.

‘Yeah – yeah, it is, I like the way it’s reflecting up on those little shreddy clouds.’

‘Looks like the sun on the ocean, only upside down and different colours.’

‘Very pretty.’

‘Very.’

They both trailed off again.

‘Gaddes, do _you_ think I’m effeminate?’ Allen asked. He looked troubled; clearly he couldn’t leave the idea alone now he had brought it up.

‘With the amount of ass I’ve seen you kick? No way. The guys don’t think you are either. Terms like “brass balls” have been bandied about.’

‘Well, they don’t see me like you do.’ Allen tucked a lock of hair back behind his ear. It was growing out, starting to brush his collar. ‘I always wonder about that. I worry about the way my mother brought me up, talking with her and playing with my little sister all day, little things like letting my hair grow long – I got it cut off short because I thought it would please Balgus, but he didn’t seem to notice. Sometimes I feel more comfortable with women than with men. They’re easier to talk to. It’s always been like that for me. Men seem as mysterious to me as most men say women are.’

‘There’s nothing wrong with _that_. You know how many guys would give their eye teeth to know how to talk to women? You could give lessons and make a fortune. Or at least a big teeth collection. You could make a cannibal-king necklace.’

‘Marlene used to say I was so easy to talk to I was nearly as good as a girl,’ Allen said, blushing but smiling at himself. ‘ _That_ made me wonder, too!’

‘I don’t see how, given that you were sleeping with her.’

‘Well, not like that. Not as a routine. There was just the one night, before she was taken away from me.’ Allen lowered his chin onto his folded arms, getting into the self-comforting position he had assumed when he spoke about her that first evening. Gaddes looked searchingly at him, trying to decide how to ask without being intrusive.

‘You said she got taken away from you… and you said you lost your mother and sister… it sounds like you’ve lost a lot of people who were important to you.’

‘I think loving me must be bad luck,’ Allen said, trying to laugh it off.

‘Do you ever want to talk about it?’

‘Not very much. That is… I _want_ to talk, but when I do it hurts so much that I hate it, and there’s nothing that makes it feel better. I only ever told Marlene. Well, she _did_ make me feel better, but then I lost her too and it was worse than ever. I told Balgus a little bit about it, to explain why I was where I was, but I tried not to say too much because I thought this was my opportunity to finally become a real man, and I’d spoil it if I wittered on about my feelings. It made me wonder how much of it really was a result of my upbringing, because having a very different life and learning different ways didn’t seem to make any difference to how I felt. I learned how to fit in among men, but I always felt like a bit of an impostor.’

‘Everyone feels like that sometimes,’ Gaddes said. ‘I have days where I feel like a twelve-year-old going round in disguise, wondering when someone’s going to realise I don’t have a clue what I’m doing.’ He paused, considering. ‘Your mother didn’t bring you up _like_ a girl, did she? That’s not what you mean?’

‘Not at all. She always taught me how to be a gentleman. She said the world can be very cruel to women, and they are largely dependent on the kindness and honour of men for their protection and comfort.’ Something in his eyes hardened. ‘And she knew what she was talking about. My father may have provided for her materially, but the only comfort she ever had, the only love was from me and Celena. She loved him and depended on him, and he never considered her good enough for him, always roaming about looking for his heart’s desire. It was so selfish. I hope I never treat a woman that way. I would want to treasure and look after and protect her, so that she never had to worry about anything, or face any trouble alone.’ He pushed his fingers through his hair, raking it back from his face, and clasped his hands at the back of his neck.

‘I didn’t manage to look after my mother very well, or my sister. You see, Celena disappeared when she was five years old. We think she was kidnapped but we really don’t know; none of the searches found anything like evidence of an abduction, or… or a body… It was as though she was just lifted off the face of the earth, like a mouse carried away by a bird of prey. My mother was one of the kindest, gentlest souls that ever lived, and she simply couldn’t bear the cruelty of life any longer. I really did try, but it should have been her husband who carried her then. Perhaps he could have saved her. Perhaps it never would have happened if he had just been there looking after us as he should. But her spirit was broken, and her health went into a decline, and she died not long afterwards. I couldn’t help her.’

He turned to look at Gaddes; there were tears in his eyes, trembling on the brink of being shed. ‘It’s all so _cruel_ , Gaddes. So sad, and everyone is so helpless, because they don’t try to help each other. My father’s selfishness destroyed our family. I haven’t heard from him for years. For all I know he’s dead too, and I’m an orphan. All I have of him is a journal of his that I found among my mother’s little treasures after she died. He never loved her properly and she still treasured something of his! I would throw it away except that it was precious to her.’

‘Did you ever read it?’ Gaddes asked. ‘Maybe he explains why he did it. Maybe there were things that forced him, that you didn’t know about. Or maybe at least he felt sorry.’

‘I can’t read it,’ Allen said bitterly, ‘it’s written in some sort of code or heathen language. My father was a man of much esoteric learning. Always off on his expeditions and treasure hunts, looking for something he thought was worth more than us.’

‘Oh,’ said Gaddes, and decided to stop playing devil’s advocate. ‘He must just have been a dickhead, then.’

‘Gaddes!’ Allen made a sound that was like laughing, but a moment later had to stop himself and press the back of his hand to his lips, blinking hard as he tried not to cry.

‘You’re all right,’ Gaddes said, hitching himself closer over the flat rooftop and putting an arm around Allen’s shoulders. ‘You don’t have to cry because of him. If he didn’t appreciate you, stuff him. Right?’

‘You ought to be right, but… but he had so much power to hurt us, without even thinking about it. I don’t think he even meant to be cruel. An honest enemy who wants to harm you straightforwardly isn’t nearly as bad as someone who breaks your heart without ever caring, or seeming to see that’s what they’ve done.’ Hesitantly, Allen leant his head against Gaddes’ shoulder, and after a moment relaxed there. He sniffed; although he still seemed tearful he was not quite in tears.

‘What I sometimes think…’ Gaddes said slowly. ‘What I think is that it’s very dangerous to love someone. A lot of the time you can’t help it. I think you’re still so cut up about this because you’re like your mother really. A gentle person. You walk around with your heart open and you’re very easy to hurt. When you love someone, you love them very much. I can hear that when you talk about your princess. It’s dangerous for you, but anyone you love is very lucky, if you ask me.’

‘Not any more,’ Allen said. ‘With everything that’s happened, I’m very clear about that now. I’ll never fall in love again.’

‘That’s my philosophy,’ said Gaddes.

‘Really? Why?’

‘That would fall under the heading of talking about my tragic past, which I told you I don’t do,’ Gaddes said, rather briskly and cheerfully.

‘You said you wouldn’t if I didn’t, but I did.’ Allen raised his head and looked searchingly at Gaddes. ‘You can tell me anything.’

‘I know,’ said Gaddes. ‘It’s just not a story for right now. Are you feeling any better?’

‘Perhaps a little,’ said Allen. He looked at his hands, twined together. ‘Can I tell you about Marlene?’

‘I’ve been hoping you would. I keep wondering how you managed to seduce a princess.’

‘I wouldn’t exactly say I did,’ said Allen, blushing. ‘People would expect that, wouldn’t they? But it never worked quite that way. She sought me out in the first place. At a ball, she sent me a note telling me to ask her to dance! I couldn’t believe it.’

‘Of all the luck!’

‘Well, yes, but I also was astonished at her boldness. She was a very unusual girl, and I’m sorry to say quite unhappy. She told me once she wanted to make her life different but couldn’t see how to. She felt trapped by all the obligations and expectations that surrounded her. There are so many things that remind me of her, whispering, and crumpled paper, silk flowers and cigarette smoke. She smoked secretly, with an elegant little tortoiseshell holder. She said she was really a very good princess, she only had two little rebellions, two little vices – smoking and seeing me. They had to be secret. It was because they were secret that they gave her… some power, I suppose, something that was only hers, because she was Marlene, not because she was the princess.

‘And of course we were both bad for her. I wanted so much to sweeten her life and take away her worries but I was never in a position to do anything for her. There were all the public meetings… balls, and the opera, more private occasions like musical evenings and garden parties, when she was like a beautiful doll that moved and spoke… and then the times when I came to her secretly in the garden and she was truly, fully, alive, and herself, Marlene, my Marlene, my night-blooming lily. There was such an air of _desperation_ in her, as though she felt she wasn’t going to live very long. She told me I helped her just by seeing her, by knowing the real secret her. Every time I kissed her, every time I called her my darling, my lily, my sweetheart, I was giving her strength.

‘And so I just tried to do that as best I could. One day her engagement was announced. That night she was in the strangest mood I’ve ever seen, full of grief and rage, but held back by a sort of dead acceptance of her fate. For the longest time she sat motionless while I tried to say something to comfort her, and then she suddenly looked at the cigarette in the holder in her hand, how it was almost all a long shaky line of ash, and began to laugh, and then to cry. I put my arms around her and kissed her, and cursed her father for signing her life away for an alliance, and her fiancé for taking her in such an exchange, neither of them knowing or caring who Marlene was in her heart.

‘And when she kissed me, there was that desperation, that feeling of an ending at hand too soon. It was…’ He paused, looking ashamed. ‘It’s hard to explain.’

‘It got you very excited?’

‘Both of us. I was frightened by how passionate I became. I thought surely I would offend her and taint the memory of our love for her. I was trying to apologise when she, um, she put her hand in my lap.’ He swallowed. ‘And – well, touched me. Somewhere very private.’

‘You weren’t expecting it?’

‘I certainly wasn’t. She took my hand and put it to her breast, and kissed me again and told me to do whatever I wanted to, and I was so stunned that for a moment I couldn’t think of anything. Then all I could think was that this was what she wanted, and if I could make her happy only once, even in such a wrong way, it must somehow be right. And she touched me again and it became very difficult to think of anything else. No-one had ever touched me like that and I had certainly not been so close to anyone else. It took possession of me. That and the desperation. So I tried to make love to her. I wasn’t even sure I was doing it right.’ He flashed another self-deprecating little smile.

‘I wasn’t really very seductive. I kept having terrible trouble with things like her garters, and she kept having to help me. The setting was really quite romantic, with a starry sky overhead and roses and jasmine all around us breathing out sweetness, but I kept fumbling around like an idiot and I was sure I was spoiling it for her. The sofa in the gazebo was made out of some sort of cane that made the most infernal squeaking every time we moved. I think she knew a little more about it than I did, because she showed me a way of touching her that she seemed to like. I was just trying to work out where I would have to go in. Very mechanical, I’m afraid.

‘It was all very confusing, quite dark, and what I was touching was so warm and wet that I thought she was bleeding somehow. I wasn’t at all sure how to proceed, and I felt terribly foolish and was beginning to lose my nerve. She… touched me, and held me, and guided me in. I remember the silence of her holding her breath. At first I thought I was… in the wrong place, or something was wrong, because the, er, the space felt so tight, and the way seemed to be blocked, and she told me to push and I did and she cried out in pain and I wanted to stop, I didn’t want to hurt her, but she told me again and buried her face in my shoulder and I felt something give and I sank in and she bit me so hard just here that I still have two little pale pink half circles in my skin. It was terrifying and wonderful.

‘My body seemed to start moving by itself. I really hadn’t realised how… nice it would feel. It was all over rather quickly, and when my head stopped whirling I could feel her crying under me. She told me it was only because she was happy. I kissed her, and begged her to forgive me, and she told me it was perfectly all right. And a few minutes later she got dressed again – she was really only half undressed, because we had been in such a hurry – and went in to bed so no-one would miss her or think she was out too late. I sat there in the gazebo feeling… feeling sweaty, and sticky, and almost sick. My skin was smeared with her blood, and the cushion she had been lying on… I turned it over and tidied myself up and left and walked around the city all night. I was terribly frightened. I kept thinking that we would be found out, that someone would find the bloodstain and know what caused it, or that someone would be able to tell simply by looking at her, and there would be the most terrible trouble. I felt so ashamed of myself.

‘And – and not long after that, she had to leave, to go to Freid as a bride. As I said, it never happened again, after that one night. But a little while after she left, I received word from the King that I was to be sent here, clearly in disgrace, so he must have noticed or been told that we were closer than we should be. I have no idea whether he knew the whole truth. But just before I shipped out, the news came that she was with child… and a letter came to me, in her hand, blurred with her tears, telling me that she was sure it was my child, and her husband would know too. She wanted me to know the truth, because she could never have anything to do with me again. She thought it would be better for everyone that way, and I should try to forget her. And I still can’t help her… and my love only hurt her. That’s why I mustn’t fall in love again, you see. Not for my own comfort, but to keep from harming anyone else.’

‘You poor boy,’ said Gaddes. The pain Allen felt seemed to be transmitted to him through the vibrations of his voice, through the tiny shivers of his frame. ‘My poor Allen…’ It was the first time he had used his name, and it somehow felt closer than a kiss. It was frightening to feel such tenderness for a boy, and he tried to tell himself it was only intense sympathy. ‘I know how you feel.’

‘No you don’t,’ Allen said. ‘Because you’re cheerful by nature. You’re so strong and sensible. I’m just stupid. I know all this and I still want to love someone. That’s why I want so much to be your friend. It’s a safe love, a harmless love. Isn’t it? Do you mind me calling it love?’

‘No… no. It doesn’t sound stupid to me.’

What’s stupid is me saying I’d never fall in love again, when I’m realising I started to the first time I spoke to him.


	4. Chapter 4

Gaddes made absolutely sure the door was locked, for the third time, and returned to sit at the small cluttered table under the window. There wasn't exactly a quartermaster of the fort, but there was an office for one which had ended up as a sort of box-room. There was still notepaper on the shelf under the table, and he had found a pencil. He cleared a space on the table, smoothed out a sheet of paper in front of him, decided the pencil wasn't sharp enough and spent a little while coaxing it to a fine point with his pocket-knife. The shavings fell on the paper in front of him and when he brushed them off the shaved lead smeared all over it, so he screwed up that sheet and took a new one.

He licked the point of the pencil to make it darker, pricked his tongue because he had made it so sharp, and considered giving up. Having reached the lowest and most pathetic possible point, he pulled himself together, drew his chair up closer to the table and started to write.

Dear Boss,

He stared at that for a moment, then crossed it out. All right, he'd waste another page doing a draft, at least until he'd decided how to start the damn' thing.

Dear Allen,

 _No, that looks wrong too. I've only called him that once and it wouldn't be natural. I hate my handwriting._

Dear Sir,

 _That's worst of all!_ He scribbled over it and snapped the tip off the pencil lead.

 _Okay. Let us just assume that if I write his name on the_ envelope _, he'll understand it's for him without me having to worry about the inside. Stop faffing about with the preliminaries and write your message, kid. And check your spelling later. No making excuses to go off and look for a dictionary, you know perfectly well there isn't one for miles._

I'm writing you a letter because I want to tell you the truth but I can't make myself say it to your face. I don't want to see how you look when you find out. The first thing I want you to know is that while I lied to you, I warned you I was lying, except you seemed to think that meant I was telling the truth. Well, I sort of was, you just didn't see through it.

You might not remember what I'm talking about but it is something we talked about your first night here, about why I'm here. What I was accused of was true but not true. I mean, the guy who reported me was telling the truth about half and lying about the other half. I never did have anything to do with Corporal Esper who I didn't even know that well, but I have been what you called 'inappropriately intimate with another man.' A lot, to be honest. And I think I should explain because I feel bad being dishonest with someone like you and you told me everything after all, so here I go with My Tragic Past and please don't make up your mind until you've read all of it. I mean I think I know what you're going to think but then I didn't when you thought that so maybe I should give you a chance, even though hoping for that is nearly worse than thinking I know.

I'll try to settle down a little and start making sense.

Probably the first thing to explain is that the one who dobbed me in was my lover, for want of a better word for what he was to me. That was how he knew, I mean. But to explain the whole situation I have to go further back and put down a foundation.

I've tried sometimes to work out when I first knew I was like this, and sometimes I think I always knew, and sometimes I think it only really got clear around the time all the other boys my age got interested in girls and I didn't, I got more interested in _them_. At first I thought I just wasn't interested in girls yet and I would start growing up a bit later - but I was certainly growing up, and soon it made itself obvious to me. I went through this very bad spell of being in love with my best friend Danyon which at first was just confusing and then very scary because I found out asking roundabout questions that people thought this was EVIL and then I thought I was going to hell. Even when I was really scared of it I never stopped feeling that way, being crazy about him and wanting to get closer to him and having dreams about him, and all the time it was chuntering in my head 'going to hell, going to hell, going to hell' and I had no-one I could tell.

And one night I had one of those funny moments where things change over and you're not the same afterwards, even though nothing really happened. I was lying in bed halfway crying and feeling bad because I'd been playing with myself thinking about when I'd gone swimming with Danyon in the afternoon (excuse me, you might not want to hear stuff like that, but then you told me a lot of detail about Marlene so if you could just consider this the same I'd be grateful) and suddenly I just thought But who am I hurting? Wrong is when you're hurting someone and I'm not doing anything to anyone. I know Danyon likes girls and I'm not going to upset him telling him how I feel. It's not like I'm molesting little boys or rubbing up against guys in crowded streets or staring at their privates in public toilets. (I didn't even _know_ at that stage what goes on in public loos and maybe you don't either, so never mind - just don't go into the Gents in the Rose and Crown in Pallas on a Saturday night, you'd find yourself with a lot of unwanted popularity.) I'm not a pervert, I thought, I'm just in love.

After that I got sort of defiant about it, and I don't feel as strong about it any more but I still do think that it's actually not wrong to feel the way I do as long as you still try to be a decent person. I wasn't ever planning on telling anyone and I thought I'd probably have to go my whole life being a bit unhappy that way but I felt so much better than when I thought I was evil that it seemed a small price to pay. Also, being in love with Danyon wore off after a bit, because he got more boring as he got older. That helped.

So I had that changeover when I was just thirteen. I got to keep going to school up until I was fourteen but then my father did his back in and I had to start work to bring some money home. At first I worked in a butcher's cleaning up, which was pretty foul, but then his nephew needed a job so he was going to let me go, and I saw this recruiting poster for the army and figured, well, I'm not scared of blood and guts by now, and the starting wage is more than I was getting anyway, so I lied about my age which was easy because I was always tall and I got in.

Now I don't know if you know about this because you didn't come into the army from the bottom up, but if you're lucky when you're new someone who's been in a bit longer than you will make friends and show you the ropes, and in return you'll do them some favours. They might push you around a bit and play some tricks but it's nothing nasty, and they protect you from anyone else who might feel like picking on the new kid. That's usual.

The first person I met who seemed anything like friendly was this guy Nichol, but friendly is not the word. I felt like he knew me before he met me. He saw me and he KNEW, it was like he could see me naked. I'd never been recognised like that before and it scared me and grabbed me at the same time. He didn't care and he was like me and the way I saw it he was going to make everything perfect. I fell in love with him very fast without really thinking about it. He took on this thing of being my older mate in public, and in private he was getting me to do him a LOT of favours. I remember very sharp and clear the first time he kissed me was when we'd both been sent to get potatoes from the cellar for the cook. Romantic, right? No. You had roses and jasmine, I had potatoes. This must be what they mean about the class system, ha ha.

The situation was a bit special because our regiment didn't have a proper barracks at the time, for some reason I never found out exactly we'd been billeted in an old empty country house as a temporary measure about five years ago and it had become permanent. It was kind of a joke and people were a bit proud of it. Some rooms were made over as bunkrooms but there were more of us than there was space for bunks so a lot of people who weren't even officers had rooms of their own. They were kind of a prize, and Nichol had one (of course - he was a genius at getting himself a piece of whatever action was going, by hook or by crook). It wasn't much of a room, it was like a big closet that opened off the landing between the second and third floors. It had two beds in it, and we pushed them together at night and

Well I'm not going to pretend I wasn't having a lot of fun to be honest. Even after I started to figure it out about Nichol. I like a ride as much as anyone else. It's not like I was innocent and he was using me, but I didn't exactly understand him at first and after a bit I began to see him more clearly.

I started to think he wasn't a very nice person. The first thing, and in a lot of ways it was the worst, was he slept with other men all the time and he didn't care that I knew and he didn't care that I minded. He'd laugh and ask if I wanted to make it a threesome, or maybe he could fix me up with someone, and I'd tell him to piss off and go and sulk, I mean, apart from that I didn't want anyone except him and I didn't want him to want anyone except ME, the kind of guys he went with were backstreet trash who would do it standing up in an alley. He gave me crabs at least four times and I just thank God it wasn't anything worse. I was fifteen. I think he was twenty-seven then.

Anyway it didn't make me feel good to know I loved him a lot more than he loved me, but then I had to start realising that it wasn't just that he wasn't very nice, he was a real bastard. He liked to find out what someone loved, what really made them happy, and ruin it for them. The example I always think of was our drummer boy, who had this pet rat. Yes, that sounds dumb, but he had a pet rat and he really loved it and saved food for it and it rode round in his pocket. Quite a lot of the guys had some kind of pet, because it was easy to keep them living where we did, but usually dogs.

Nichol caught this rat when it wasn't in the kid's pocket and he fed it to a guy's dog, this little terrier that was a really keen ratter. It wasn't the dog's fault, Nichol practically put the rat in its mouth. And he called the kid to come and see and laughed at him. I didn't understand what was happening until too late and the dog was tearing up the dead rat and the kid was screaming. (I'm calling him the kid but he was just a bit younger than me.) I was really mad at Nichol and told him so, but whenever you got mad with Nichol he would either laugh at you or knock you down. He had a lot of power over me one way and another.

And anyway everything came to a head late one night when two other guys, who were about Nichol's level of bastard (but not queer) banged on our door and said come and see what we've got.

I'm just looking at that sentence again and I really didn't like putting Queer in it. I don't know any words for what I am that people don't use as curses. I don't want to call myself queer or bent or a fairy or an ass-bandit. And when I look at it _again_ it looks like I'm saying being a bastard and being queer go together. No. I just meant they had being bastards in common but not the other thing. No, look, I'll just get on with the story.

They took us out to this barn kind of building out behind the house. They had caught a catgirl in the woods and tied her up there and they were going to have a gang bang. I don't think they knew about Nichol and me (we did keep it a secret although it was kind of an open secret with the town fags he went with) because they were inviting him to join in, and I was just kind of there because I was always where he was.

I got very upset but I didn't know what to do. I didn't think Nichol was going to join in anyway. I thought maybe we'd go away and he'd let me tip off the CO anonymously or something so they'd get busted. (I know YOU would have kicked all their asses without thinking twice about it, but I didn't have your skills or your balls.)

And they were standing round her - she was tied so she had to kneel on the floor, looking up at them - and laughing at her and talking a lot of shit which I don't know if she understood, I don't think she spoke our language because she would say things sometimes that sounded like they meant 'please let me go' or 'don't hurt me' but I didn't recognise the words. She was really scared, obviously, and she only looked about my age or something, and I was feeling sick about it all. I didn't want to see someone get raped because I knew what it was like.

I mean, I don't know if you can say it counts after you've said yes to them once, but I felt like Nichol had raped me more than once. Anyway, he definitely didn't think I got to say no any more. Mostly he didn't ask. Sometimes it was things like I'd wake up with a hell of a fright to find he was inside me pumping away and hadn't even woken me up first, and he'd say what are you complaining about, it just means I want you too much to wait sometimes. Which I tried to believe. Other times he would decide he wanted to do it and he would just keep going for it no matter how many times I said no or pushed him off or tried to distract him or actually tried to leave the room, and eventually I would cave in because I knew I couldn't make him change his mind - so technically I had said yes but he still knew I didn't want to. I know I said I enjoyed it but there were times when I was tired or not feeling well in myself. He could be quite rough with me and he didn't really give me time to recover from times when we had overdone it. I really was stupid to put up with it but as I said I loved him and I thought he was worth it.

And there were times when I stood up to him about something and he knocked me down and f***ed me to make his point. I remember lying on the floor crying after the rat incident and he pulled out and gave me a big wet kiss on the back of my neck and said 'See, we never really fight, do we, we always make up so fast.' Sometimes I wondered if he really meant that and thought it was a normal thing to do. He didn't talk much about his past life either but I had the impression it had been quite hard and maybe he had learned by example or something. Not that that would be any excuse. I never want to treat anyone the way he treated me. You've got the right idea, make someone happy, take away their problems, don't be one of them.

Well, on this night I was getting ready to say something, if Nichol wouldn't. And I'll say again that I really didn't think he was going to be part of doing anything to this girl, I still believed in him that much - or anyway I didn't think he'd be interested. And suddenly Nichol is dropping his pants and (excuse me, this is another thing I can't imagine saying to your face, the little stars instead of writing out a whole word up above was because I lost my nerve) holding his cock in her face as though she was going to have to suck it. I went into a panic. Then, and I really hate writing this down, because this was what made me see once and for all what a complete dirty bastard he was and what a complete stupid fool I was to have let him anywhere near me, he pissed in her face. It was just disgusting. It was nothing to do with f***ing, it was just how he liked to mess people up. He pulled up his pants and stepped back laughing, and I got up from where I was sitting and told him what I thought of him.

He went for me and for the first time I actually took a swing at him. Before I had been too scared to or thought I was in the wrong and just wanted to make him pleased with me again. And that goes to show how stupid I was too because if I would just have fought back I could have stopped him any time. He had a glass jaw and I knew it, I'd knocked him out by accident once with my knee. This time I just punched him squarely and he dropped straight away, and I stood there staring at my fist like it surprised me, and the other two guys attacked me, which kept me very busy for a while, but I managed to knock one out (kind of by accident, I basically put him off balance and he hit his head falling against the wall) and then I could fight the other one properly and sent him running. (I was younger than him but bigger than him. I've always looked older than I am.) So then I knelt down and untied this poor girl, who was going crazy. I don't think she understood what the fight was about, she thought I was fighting for first crack at her, and she scratched me and bit me pretty well before running away like a streak of lightning, and good luck to her.

I was sitting there sucking a big scratch down my wrist when Nichol lifted up his head and looked at me. I froze. He picked himself up without saying anything, just gently feeling his face where I'd punched him, and then he said 'I'll pay you back for that,' and I thought 'Is that _all?_ ' and he walked out.

I went and slept in the stables, because of course I couldn't go back to our room. In the morning at parade I got called out and hauled to the CO's office and he told me what I was supposed to have done. That is, the Corporal Esper story. I don't know what Nichol had against him and maybe he just picked on him because he was so homely he thought it would be a funny insult to make out I'd been with him.

Well, I couldn't tell the truth, could I? I would just be busted for doing it with someone different, and Nichol would have found a way to weasel out of it. I thought I still had a hope because like I told you there was no way anything could be proved and that of course was the way it turned out. He wasn't trying to get me put in jail, just to mess things up for me and shame me. That was more fun to his way of thinking.

But also he knew I wouldn't tell on him because even after that I still loved him. I loved him knowing he was a bastard, and I still sometimes thought about how I could possibly get back with him. I wrote him a letter about it once which thank God he didn't answer. I bet he laughed at it. I did stop loving him eventually but it took months. THIS is why I always said I'd never fall in love again. I had it right the first time, when I thought I was going to be alone but safe all my life. What saved me of course was that they sent me here well away from Nichol and I started thinking clearly. Of course it was a complete laugh putting me up to sergeant. I was a private before. It was just because it was for _here_. (The last sergeant died. The only way people get out of here is dying or going permanently AWOL. You know that.) I never actually did a sergeant's job before you came and showed me what it was.

Okay, that's the first part of the truth I wanted to tell you, and I've been writing for ages. My wrist hurts. I haven't written this much at once since I was at school. I've had to sharpen the pencil twice. I'll stop complaining and tell you the next part.

But this is far harder to tell you because it's about you, and the only fair way to tell you is after telling you all of that, which I don't kid myself makes me look good. You might have worked out what it is anyway as I'm afraid I've been a bit obvious about it.

Here he paused, the pencil describing squiggles for a line while he worked up his nerve.

I love you. I'm in love with you.

It doesn’t feel real to put it down like that of course. I love you. See, there it goes again. I've never felt like this about anyone, because I never fell in love with my head as well as my heart, it never was that I didn’t have to fool myself about anything for it to feel right. You are the first truly totally good man I've ever met. You think I'm as good as you are which is bollocks but you think it because you are so wonderful. You've walked in and changed the world I live in, besides which you are so gorgeous I have to remind myself every two minutes not to stare at you. I didn't know there WERE people like you. I can see you with my eyes closed, like when you look at the sun by accident and shut your eyes and there's still a bright spot in the dark.

Of course I do realise this is hopeless. It's safe to love you and hopeless to love you for the same reason, you're so perfect. That's all right really. I am looking at this letter and by now I know of course I will never give it to you. What would you say? What could you say? You're in love with someone else. Even if you get over her (I hope you do because I hate for you to be so miserable about it) there is no reason for you to fall in love with me. Apart from you being out of my league I know I've never fallen in love with a girl even though I've known ones I really liked so I don't think people switch back and forth like that. All I would really hope for is that you would not hate me or despise me because of something I don't think I can help. Remember, even when I thought it was evil it didn't go away at all.

It really will make me happy just being your friend, being a good sergeant to you and backing you up and helping you do what's important to you. Sometimes it'll drive me a bit crazy, like when you get upset and need comforting and I get to touch you but not quite the way I want to, but I know how special this is because you couldn't fall apart like that with anyone else. You told me your secrets and I wish I could show you the same trust but I don't want to ruin everything. Well, what do wishes get anyone. I wish tonight in the sunset you'd let me hold your hand and kiss you (we don't need chamber music and I don't know what that sounds like anyway). I wish I could find you your sister, or kick your father's ass for you. I wish when that one strand of hair falls down between your eyes it was all right for me to stroke it away. Actually you're lucky we're never going to be lovers because I'd drive you mad playing with your hair all the time.

I'll write it one more time and finish up. It feels better to have written all this down, even if nothing's going to change. At least I'm not confused about it any more, because at first I wasn't sure it was love I was feeling -  maybe I was just sorry for you, or hot for you, or something. But that's what it's been all along, I just didn't recognise it because this is the way love's supposed to feel. It's the way you would feel love, maybe. I've had another changeover, and I think I'm better for it.

I love you, Allen Schezar, more than anyone in the world, and you can count on me no matter what.

Yours truly,

Samivel Gaddes

After reading the letter over again, and looking at the last page a long time, he carefully folded the pages together and tucked them inside his shirt, behind his breastplate and over his heart.

 

'What's the book, Boss?'

Allen was reading by the dying light of the sun, but he looked up smiling when he heard Gaddes' voice.

'Philosophy,' he said. 'I'm seeing if it helps resign me to my fate.'

'Are you up to the meaning of life yet, or isn't that till the last page?'

'This writer isn't concerned with the meaning of life so much as he is with blaming every human woe on women. It seems to be a popular theme. Women are to blame for being curious, women are to blame for being talkative, women are to blame for being attractive. Personally I think the world could use more thoughtful, articulate, pretty women. I certainly don't see how they do men any harm. What keeps striking me is this horror of - well, relations between men and women.' Allen flipped back a few pages in his book. 'Listen to this. "The lust for woman enflameth man and maketh him as naught. All worthwhile endeavour lieth forgotten as he seeketh the favour of a harlot."'

'I didn't know there was so much lisping in philosophy,' Gaddes said. 'Had all the philosophers lost their front teeth? Probably from being punched out by women who'd had enough of being called harlots.'

'Well I should hope not, I'm certainly not in favour of _that_ type of woman,' Allen said. 'They shouldn't have to taint themselves with violence. It's one of the risks that we assume for them, so that they can remain so wonderfully innocent and gentle, our peaceful haven from the chaos of the world. What is at fault is surely not the women themselves but the men's response to women. It's cowardly to lay blame for your own lust at the feet of its object. If men do terrible things because of desire for women they should take responsibility for it; anything else is unmanly.'

'Some men do good things to impress women, of course,' said Gaddes. 'When they're in love, I mean.'

'Well, yes, but you've got to make a distinction between love and lust.' Allen frowned at the page. 'It is true, though, that a terrible amount of unhappiness is caused by how men feel about women. I know that all too well myself. I _do_ take moral responsibility for my lustful stupidity, but I can't do anything to make practical amends without going against the lady's wishes.'

'You're doing the best you can,' Gaddes said. He wasn't sure how to proceed; he felt rather out of his depth, and it made him uncomfortable to realise that he was not sure he agreed with Allen.

'Of course, many of these thinkers present an argument that I do find more satisfactory, that true fellowship and comfort comes in friendships between men,' Allen said. 'A friendship like yours and mine is safe because it can never be ruined by lust.'

'What, you mean because you couldn't get me pregnant?'

'Gaddes!' Allen actually looked offended, although he'd thought his tone made it clear the remark wasn't remotely serious.

'I'm sorry, Boss, I was joking.'

'A joke is when you say something _funny_.'

'I'm sorry.'

'Show a little respect for poor Marlene instead of making off-colour references to her situation.'

'Boss, I said I'm sorry!'

'It's not me you've insulted.' Allen turned to look stonily down at his book again.

'But she's not here to apologise to, and you're the one who's angry.' Gaddes nudged him with his elbow. 'Come on, Boss. I wasn't trying to be sleazy.'

'It's just a bit of a sore point with me,' Allen said.

'Of course it is. It's understandable. I mean, you loved her. I shouldn't've said it, obviously.' _And I thought you were offended because of - well, I shouldn't've meant that, either. I've got to stop thinking things like that about him. It's not a good habit to get into._

'What do you think about this, Gaddes?' Allen said abruptly, tracing his finger down the page to a line further on. '"And so is paederastice much to be preferred before gynerastice, that is the love which enflameth men with lust toward womankind." Rather takes it to the opposite extreme, don't you think?'

'I, um, don't know. What's paederastice mean?'

'Making love with boys instead of with women.'

Gaddes' mouth dropped open for a moment. It was a feeling not unakin to that produced by being struck on the back of the head. 'What,' he said after a moment, ' _little_ boys? Because pardon me, but that's bloody _sick._ ' _And how do_ you _know about things like that? Fancy words for it, even! I can't even find a better word than queer._

'At least I suppose that's what it means,' Allen said, frowning at the page, 'because the connotation of "children" is there linguistically, isn't it, but from context it appears the author's thinking of adolescent boys and young men. Isn't that a funny idea?'

'I… don't think it's right.'

'Oh dear,' said Allen, looking stricken. 'I'm so sorry. I should have thought. That's a sore point for _you._ How can I reproach you when I go blithely saying such offensive things?'

'It isn't offensive at all, what I meant is I don't think it's right as in _correct_ because it's all built on that idea that wanting women is bad. That's shonky right at the bottom, so you can't really believe what's at the top when you think about it. If you had an argument for peeder-whatsis that didn't involve slamming women that'd be different. Like if you could show how it was good in itself instead of just saying well it's better than the alternative.'

'I'm not arguing for it,' Allen said rather hastily, 'I was only calling it to your attention because I thought it was interesting as an example of taking an idea to its logical extreme. I never said I agreed with it at all.'

'Right, of course, you wouldn't.'

'No, I _like_ women. And respect them, I mean.'

'Maybe I'm not the best person to have these intellectual conversations with,' Gaddes said. He felt embarrassed, not only because of how his own train of thought had been running, but because he knew he was not keeping up with Allen mentally. If he couldn't see the difference between holding an opinion and just discussing it, he wasn't going to get anywhere in a philosophical discussion, as far as he could see. He couldn't think of anything to say about an idea unless he actually approved or disapproved of it. And somehow he was managing to give Allen the idea that he _did_ disapprove of boys together, and he couldn't correct that impression without worrying that he sounded too much in favour of it.

'But if not you, who else?' Allen said, a little dejectedly. 'You're my only friend here. And I thought we could talk about anything.'

'I just don't think it'd be all that satisfying for you. I can't say anything clever about it. I haven't had the education you've had.'

'Any _education_ I've got, I picked up in a hand to mouth fashion over the last couple of years. My formal education stopped before I was twelve years old, and that was only the reading, writing and arithmetic my mother taught me at home. I'm not an intellectual, Gaddes, I'm still trying to improve my mind. I'm ignorant about an embarrassing number of things.'

'Oh,' said Gaddes, suddenly feeling vaguely proud of having been to a real school, even if it was only a rather underfunded establishment with pretensions to gentility at the good end of the lower-middle-class suburb of Pallas he'd grown up in. 'It's not like I'm over-educated, but I did go to school up to fourteen.'

'You probably know things _I_ don't.'

'I've forgotten nearly all the maths,' Gaddes said sheepishly. 'And we definitely never read any books like that. Most of it was memorising stuff no-one would ever want to know, like the exports of Zaibach and kings by numbers.'

'I have a number,' Allen said. 'I'm Allen Crusade Schezar the Eighth. It makes me feel very strange sometimes to know there are seven dead men with exactly the same name as me. When I was six I saw the tombstone of Allen Crusade Schezar the Seventh, in the wall of the church at Celena's baptism, and thought it was mine and had hysterics. I still remember my father shaking me by the shoulders and nearly shouting in my ear, "There are only two I's! You have _three!_ Look at it, boy! Good Lord, Encia, why doesn't this child know his numerals yet?" That's one of the few very clear memories I have of him.'

'Not very sympathetic,' Gaddes said.

'I know,' Allen said. 'I wasn't even looking at the VII. I didn't know those numerals at all. I couldn't _think_ why he was saying I had three eyes, and it upset me even more. I wanted to know where the third one was.' He tapped his forehead between his eyes.

'I can prove you've got three ears, though,' Gaddes said, anxious to lighten the mood a little. 'The left ear, the right ear and,' he made a sweeping gesture to take in the border-zone swamps, 'the wild front ear.'

'Oh, for Heaven's sake,' said Allen, and hit him lightly with the spine of the book, trying not to laugh. 'That's the worst joke I've ever heard.'

'Yes. I should be _pun_ ished.' Gaddes grinned at him.

'That's _appalling_ ,' Allen declared, and gave him a shove. Gaddes shoved back, laughing, and it developed into a rather half-assed wrestling match. He ended up in a headlock with Allen knuckling his head.

'Do you yield, sir?'

'Ow! Yes!' He felt breathless with laughter, and with a delight that he hoped didn't show. _He's hugging me, he's holding me, he's touching me because he_ wants _to. It feels much too good. All right, it's only playful, but I'm allowed to enjoy it._

'Pathetic,' said Allen affectionately. 'Routed by someone two years younger than you.'

'Well, _I_ didn't have the advantage of being trained by the mighty Balgus.'

'As if _he_ taught me to give people noogies?' Allen laughed and relaxed his grip, although he did not let go of Gaddes. Instead he settled into a sitting position half-behind him, hugging him loosely around his shoulders and resting his chin on the left one. 'Thank you, by the way,' he said. 'You cheered me up with your horrible joke just as I was getting dangerously close to sinking into despondency again. Thinking about my father tends to do that to me.'

'Oh, well, that's all right… if I can ever help you out you know I will.' Gaddes was not sure why he could feel himself blushing. This moment felt very fragile, something composed of nothing more solid than sunset clouds. Even while he rejoiced in it he was fearful of doing or saying something to ruin it before its time. _Surely he's not going to stay holding me like this?_ Having Allen behind him meant he couldn't exactly return the hug; he felt rather stuck, sitting there cross-legged and gazing down at Allen's gloved hands clasped over his chest.

'You don't mind me doing this, do you?' Allen asked quietly. 'I don't mean to cling.'

'I don't mind it at all,' Gaddes said, flustered. 'It's nice.' _Stop_ right _there,_ he told himself.

'Good,' said Allen, with a contented little sigh, and settled his head on Gaddes' shoulder.

 _His hair always smells so sweet and clean. He makes me feel rough and grubby every time, although I've been trying to keep myself smarter than I used to. I would look stupid if I tried to carry off his kind of style, though. Some people are made for it and some just aren't. He was made to be beautiful._

The sun was sinking lower, and banners of rose and violet cloud, gilded at the edges, were streaming away from it. _Talk about romantic. Watching a sunset together… which we do all the time, I know, but it'll always mean something more now. I'm sure he doesn't think of it that way… I can never figure out how he does think of this. I guess it's true that he never did have a lot of contact with other guys growing up, and he doesn’t know how it usually is between friends. I've never known anyone this affectionate. It's only when we're alone, of course. He keeps up that smooth front all the rest of the time. I'm the only one he can relax with like this._

 _That's not necessarily because it's_ me _, is it. If not me, who else. It would be unbecoming to an officer to be too close with any of the rank. Class system again. He's just lucky he got a sergeant he_ could _be friends with, or he'd have nothing at all. My poor Allen…_

'Gaddes?' Allen said, breaking the comfortable, tender silence between them.

'Hmm?'

'I just remembered what I meant to discuss with you tonight. We really ought to start night raids and regular patrols, now we've consolidated our position in the daylight hours. It will involve a change of schedule, so some men sleep during the day, but I think it will make a great difference in reducing lawlessness and unrest. At the moment the bandits still think they're relatively safe under cover of darkness.'

'Oh. Right.' _And here I was hoping you'd say… I don't know, something a bit mushy I could treasure._ 'What do you want me to do?'

'Well, I thought you could assist me in drawing up the plans, and working out exactly how we'd do it. You're always very good at practical things like that. I tend to see the big picture, while you manage details well and fill in the gaps. A person like me always needs a person like you to be complete.'

 _Oh… you just did, after all._


	5. Chapter 5

The first night patrol was a thoroughly unpleasant experience. They were supposed to set out at two o'clock, but Gaddes slept through the alarm clock and was only woken by Allen trying to pull him out of bed covers and all.

'Whoa!' he exclaimed, grabbing hold of the wall. 'Don't do that, you could send me flying!'

'Why in the world do you sleep in a hammock?' Allen asked. He was fully dressed and looked as fresh as if it were a normal morning.

'The bed had woodworm,' Gaddes explained. 'It collapsed. So I put up a hammock. It's comfortable.' Technically he should really be sleeping in the barracks with the men, but there was a small room next to the commander's quarters which had been meant for the use of guests such as visiting officers, and he had claimed it for himself long ago because he liked a bit of privacy. People slept where they wanted to; it was one thing Allen hadn't changed, because he said he really did not see that it affected discipline. Reeden slept in the cockpit of an old melef because he found the padded seat and headrest cosy.

Of course, there was privacy and _privacy_. It was a whole different story now Allen was living next door. He had never worried about the old boss hearing anything from his room, because he was usually too drunk to hear if you shouted in his ear. Now he lay awake and registered the sound of every creak in the board floor, every time Allen shifted in his bed next door. It was amazing what you could hear through the partition wall; sometimes he would catch a sigh, the scratch of a match being lit, the rustling turn of a page, or sounds that suggested quiet tears. He wished at those times that he had the nerve to go next door and kiss the tears away.

It wasn't until silence had descended that he felt able to sleep as well, or to do anything to release the tension and desire this distant intimacy provoked in him. The thought that Allen might overhear him masturbating was quite a horror. He was as silent as he could be, and tried to reassure himself that his breathing and heartbeat were only so loud in his own ears, but the worry was still there, and paradoxically it added an edge to the pleasure. _This is for you, Allen_ , he would often think as he reached the peak, _this is for you._ He wanted to reach out and touch Allen's sleeping mind, make love to him in his dreams.

Allen had never come into his room before, although Gaddes had been into his to make plans or receive orders. He always had his work cut out not to stare at the bed. There was certainly plenty of room for two in it. You couldn't say that about a hammock.

'Come on, get up, I need you to help me get the men going,' Allen said impatiently, and tried to pull away the blanket.

'Don't!' Gaddes grabbed at the edge of it and tugged it back up.

'Why _not?_ Just get out and get dressed.'

'I haven't got anything on,' Gaddes admitted.

'Where are your nightclothes?' Allen asked, looking confused.

'I don’t own any. Look, could you turn round while I get out? I'd just feel better that way.' _If I know you're looking at me when I'm naked. God knows what effect it'll have on me. Well, I_ know _what effect it'll have, and you'll be able to see it plain as day._

'I didn't think you'd be so shy,' Allen said in a puzzled tone, but he turned his back obligingly and waited while Gaddes hurriedly put his clothes on. Together they went to get the patrol underway.

The men were still not entirely comfortable moving through the swamp in broad daylight, and having to do it in darkness meant that they were not only extremely nervous, but trying to suppress their nerves and consequently jumpy and ill-tempered. Allen told Gaddes confidentially that he was hoping nothing would happen this first night, just to allay their fears a little.

Unfortunately, quite without trying to, the party led by Baile stumbled upon a group of men in a clearing, counting over the proceeds of a raid on a river merchant-boat. Signal whistles were blown, reinforcements came running, but things rapidly became confused, especially when a kerosene lantern was smashed and a few people's clothes caught fire and had to be beaten out, and two of the men improved the opportunity to take to their heels carrying most of the money.

'You men hold the others! Gaddes, with me!' Allen cried, and took off after them.

'Boss!' Gaddes called after him, although he was not sure whether he meant it as a protest or just an exclamation of dismay, and anyway he was already running. He could see Allen flying just ahead of him, moving with an incredible nimbleness amid listing hunchback treetrunks and waist-high bracken. He seemed to have very good night vision; Gaddes' eyes were still dazzled from the fire in the clearing. He did not think he could keep up; he was only making headway by sheer force of momentum, because he kept tripping on roots and stones and stamping heavily into puddles and small watercourses, so he covered ground in a series of connected stumbles rather than the sprint he was attempting. Huge-feeling insects kept flying into his face; he had already been pretty heavily bitten by mosquitoes as they walked through the swamp. He swatted aside a great feathery-feeling moth, something large and white flashed at him in the darkness, he half-dodged, half-lurched away from it in a panic and ran right through a very large and whippy bush to fall headlong into a pool.

When the crashing and splashing were over he found himself sitting, scratched and bruised, in waist-deep, freezing cold stagnant water, amid a chorus of offended frog noises, with a damp and indignant half-grown owlet sitting on his chest and clicking its beak reprovingly at him. He must have dislodged it from some kind of nest in the bush. He could hear the two runaways crashing away into the murk, and Allen's lighter step which had faltered at the sound of his fall - and the cry he'd let out unintentionally.

'Gaddes?' came his voice from amid the trees ahead. 'Are you all right?'

'I've fallen in a hole,' Gaddes replied, fully aware of how foolish it sounded. He made an effort to get up and found his right arm and foot were in the grip of thick sucking mire. 'I'm stuck in the mud. Can you come and help me out?'

The footsteps came back towards him. The sound of the two escaping bandits was receding into the distance; they were well away. Allen appeared, ducking under a curtain of beard lichen and looking concerned, as far as Gaddes could make out in the fitful moonlight that made its way through the canopy.

'How on earth did you manage this?' he asked, as he took a good grip on a tree branch and leaned out over the water with the other hand.

'Something flew in my face,' Gaddes said, holding up his free hand for Allen to take. A querulous ' _who?_ ' from above made them both look up; a large grey-white owl was perched up there, rattling its beak and shaking its head at them furiously.

'Oh,' said Gaddes. 'I guess that was it.' He looked down at the owlet ruefully. 'I suppose that's your mum or dad.'

'Ah,' said Allen, with an undercurrent of laughter in his voice, 'you've found a little friend.'

'We don’t like each other,' said Gaddes. 'Do we?' he asked the owl. It shook its head and snapped at him.

Allen chuckled. 'Can you get your other hand free? You'll need to hold that little fellow when you stand up if he's not to fall in the water.'

'Oh, for crying out loud…' Gaddes grumbled. 'Hold my hand then, I've got to have something to pull against.'

'Right.' Allen grabbed his dripping hand and held it firmly. With a considerable effort, Gaddes freed his hand, losing his glove and making his leg sink in further in the process. He nearly lost the owlet too, but managed to catch it as it somersaulted off his chest towards the scummy water. It bit his thumb.

'Fuck!'

'Hey, language,' said Allen, who seemed to mean it. He let go of Gaddes' hand so he could juggle the owlet and make it release its pincer grip.

'Sorry, but when you get bitten by a bloody ungrateful owl up to your neck in a swamp "oh, bother" doesn't really cover it.'

'It should work the same if you say it in the same tone. Come on. Just hold the owl and give me your other hand.' With a loud, rather flatulent noise, Gaddes' leg and the mud parted company, and he heaved himself back onto dryish land. Half his body was coated in ill-smelling ooze.

'And now I suppose I've got to put _you_ back in your nest,' he said ungraciously to the owlet, 'and probably get pecked and clawed by your mum in the process.'

'You can't do that,' said Allen, 'the mother won't take it back now that you've handled it.'

'Why the hell not? What sort of mother is she?'

'I'm sorry, but that's what all the books say. It's got the smell of man all over it and she won't trust it now.'

'Even the owls are paranoid around here. What am I supposed to do with it, then?'

'You'll just have to bring it home and try to look after it. You can't leave it out here to starve to death.'

Gaddes had been looking at the malevolent little bundle of soggy feathers in his hands, but he took a look at Allen's face as he said that. Of course, that was Allen all over. He _wouldn't_ just leave this to Mother Nature, who admittedly tended to be a bit of a bitch where such things were concerned. And there was no way Gaddes could let him down by suggesting any such thing.

'A-all right,' he said. 'I - I - I'll - _atchoo!'_ The sneeze blasted the owlet in the face, stunning it into blinking silence.

'Bless you,' said Allen. 'We'd better get you home quickly too, and out of those wet clothes. The nights are getting colder, aren't they? Let's find the others.'

'Okay - _atchOO!'_

'And we'd better hurry before you _and_ your owl catch your deaths of cold.'

'It's not my bloody owl,' Gaddes mumbled, but he was feeling too bedraggled to kick up a fuss.

He felt a little better once he was wrapped in a blanket, wearing an old dressing gown dug up from somewhere, in front of the fire in the large downstairs mess room. Allen kept pothering about finding a box to make a little nest for the owlet, lining it with an old towel, mincing up a piece of meat to feed it with. He offered this last to Gaddes, on a plate with a teaspoon.

'What do you want me to do with that?' Gaddes asked, wiping his nose on the blanket.

'Well, you've got to feed him, poor little thing,' said Allen. The owlet was looking much sturdier and more comfortable now its feathers had dried out in front of the blaze, and Gaddes looked at it in its box rather resentfully. He felt like more of a poor little thing at the moment. He wished Allen would put _him_ to bed that tenderly. And hop in beside him to keep him warm. He sneezed again. _Of course, no-one wants to kiss anyone with this much of a runny nose._

'I don't see why it's got to be me,' he grumbled, getting a bit of mince into the spoon and offering it to the owlet. It looked at the meat as though it was an insult.

'It just makes sense,' said Allen. 'You have to take the place of its mother. It'll accept you quite soon if you're kind to it. No-one else has handled it, after all. It would probably be too frightening for it to encounter a lot of people.' They were the only ones still sitting up, as the others had gladly gone to their beds, lairs or other sleeping arrangements once the bandits they had apprehended were safely under lock and key. It was still the dead of night and the fort was very quiet.

'Come on, then,' Gaddes said to the owlet, pushing the spoon at its face. 'Tch-tch-tch. Nice food. What? I suppose you don’t want it if it's not still wriggling? Do baby owls even eat meat?'

'Of course they do,' said Allen. 'They're dear little _predators._ Yes you are,' he added, to the bird.

'Explains why it's such a vicious little bugger,' Gaddes muttered.

'Maybe it can't see how to take the food from the spoon,' Allen suggested. 'You might try offering it the meat with your fingers.'

'Urgh,' said Gaddes, picking up a small amount of cold slithery mince. 'I hope you can see the difference between your dinner and my fingers,' he told the owlet. 'I'm not putting up with any more biting out of you.' It took the meat from his hand rather delicately, gulped it down with lightning speed and opened its beak for more.

'Now you're getting somewhere,' said Allen, sounding delighted. 'You'll have to think of a name for it, too.'

'A name?' Gaddes looked at the owlet blankly. The only ones he could think of were offensive. Evil-Minded Little Stinker was probably not the sort of name Allen had in mind, however fitting it seemed. 'I'll call it Natalie,' he said. 'My cousin's called Natalie. She wears big glasses. It reminds me of her.'

'I'm not sure it _looks_ like a Natalie,' Allen said, sitting back and peering at the newly-named Natalie with his chin in his hand. 'It's rather a masculine-looking owl.'

'How can you tell?' Gaddes said. 'What are you going to do, part its feathers and look for a little dick? I don't even know if birds have got them.'

'Well, if we're going to keep one I suppose we should find out how to tell what sex it is,' said Allen. 'You might end up being a grandmother, if it's a girl. This could be quite educational.'

'I do know where babies come from, Boss.' _Whoops. Was that tactless? Even if I'm never a grandmother, you'll be a father before too long._

However, Allen seemed so taken up with Natalie, who had polished off the meat and was looking sated and sleepy, sinking her head into a collar of puffed-up feathers, that he didn't really seem to notice.

'You'll have to take her to sleep in your room, of course,' he said, 'and I expect we'll have to feed her little meals pretty often. She'll be rather a lot of work until she learns to hunt for - I say, do you suppose she _will_ learn to hunt for herself? We might have to teach her.'

'How am _I_ going to teach an owl to catch mice? I don’t think I could teach a _cat_ , and at least they don’t fly.' He sneezed again, gloomily, and shivered.

'Well, we can cross that bridge when we come to it.' Allen smiled at him. 'You'd better go back to bed, my poor friend, you look done in. Go ahead and sleep late this morning if you like. It'll take everyone a while to get into the new routine.'

'All right. Thanks, Boss. Come on, Natalie. And if you wake me up crapping on my pillow or anything you'll be learning to fly ahead of time, my girl.' He gathered up the box and tottered off to bed.

 

He woke up with the feeling that he had slept very late indeed, although the light in the room looked quite like early morning. He was also surprised at how weak he felt; he'd thought he might have caught a bit of a cold last night, but really, he felt shattered. It wasn't so much the symptoms of a cold as a feeling of exhaustion, at odds with the long sleep he had had.

Abruptly it came home to him that he was not in his own room, or his own hammock. He was lying alone in Allen's bed, warmly covered and with his head supported by thick soft pillows.

 _What the hell? Did I get confused last night and go to bed in the wrong room? I'm sure I remember putting the bloody owl down on the floor and getting into the hammock, though. I was feeling pretty sick. Maybe I walked in my sleep? Where's Allen? How'm I going to explain this to him?_ He tried to sit up and was surprised again at how hard it was. His head felt swimmy and his neck seemed unwilling to support it. And he was wearing a nightrobe, too. He didn't _own_ a nightrobe. It looked like the sort of thing Allen would own, fine white cotton with a pale blue border. _I sleepwalked in here, put on his clothes and got into bed? What's going on? I should be able to remember._ Any recollections he had of the time after he fell asleep in the hammock, shivering under both blankets and the dressing gown, were hazy and oddly uncomfortable, with an impression of a headache and sweltering heat. He put his hand to his face. This was all wrong. He had quite a beard, as though several days had passed, but he had shaved just the other morning.

While he was trying to make sense of it the door opened and Allen came in, balancing a tray and with Natalie sitting on his shoulder. When he saw Gaddes sitting up his face lit up with a smile, and he hurried over to the bedside.

'How are you feeling?' he asked softly. 'I thought you might feel up to a bit of breakfast, since your fever broke last night.' There was a plate of bacon, toast and eggs on the tray, and a glass of milk. 'A good nourishing meal to build you up,' Allen said encouragingly.

'Fever?' Gaddes repeated.

'Can't you remember? You've been very sick, you poor old thing. The day after our little adventure, when you still hadn't gotten up at lunchtime I went to check on you. As I came up to the door I heard a great thump from inside. You were delirious, and you'd rolled yourself right out of the hammock. You nearly squashed this little one,' he said, shrugging the shoulder the owl rode upon. It swayed slightly, to keep its footing, and nibbled at his ear reprovingly.

'My God, that thing's grown,' Gaddes said, staring at it.

'Well, it's been over a week, and they grow fast at this age. I'm learning about owls,' Allen said, looking pleased with himself. 'I managed to buy a second-hand book on birds. Oh, I'm afraid I did find out that he's not a girl. I've been calling him Natal. I thought that worked quite well as a boy's name. I didn’t think it would be right to change his name altogether. I've just been  minding him for you.'

'I've been sick for a _week?'_

'I don’t know whether it came from a mosquito bite, or if it was a reaction to something in the swamp - you were certainly scratched all over, and some of those plants are quite toxic I'm told - but yes, you've been in a dreadful state, unconscious or semi-conscious most of the time. It was all we could do to keep you alive, and none of the medicines we had seemed to do you any good.'

'And you put me in your bed?'

'Well, of course. I wanted to make you comfortable. I was terribly worried about you.'

'But where did you sleep?' _If you were in the same bed as me and I was too out of it to appreciate it, I'll kill myself._

'On the bench there,' Allen said, indicating a long wooden settle with folded blankets and a pillow at one end of it. 'It's quite good enough for the likes of me. And that way I could keep an eye on you.' He put down the tray on the bedside table and sat down on the edge of the bed, taking Gaddes' hand in his and giving it a friendly little squeeze. 'It's really quite lucky for you that I've had too much of a feminine influence in my life. The others don't really understand about taking care of a sick person, about bathing you and not leaving you alone too long and seeing that you keep drinking water - they wouldn't think of it unless you asked for it, and of course you couldn't, you were too ill. So I played nurse.'

' _Bathing_ me?'

'It seemed like a good way to bring down your fever a bit, and of course you were getting terribly sweaty which I thought must be making it more unpleasant for you,' Allen said. 'Also, I needed to make sure all those cuts and scratches were clean. So I'm afraid I did see you without your clothes on, but not to worry, I didn't see anything I thought you should be ashamed of and I covered you right up afterwards.'

'Oh. Thank you. I mean, thank you for everything. It sounds like I might've died if you hadn't been there.' Gaddes could feel a red-hot blush rising in his face; perhaps the beard was a good thing if it made it less visible. He had never felt so grateful to anyone, or so embarrassed.

'Well, I certainly wasn't curing you,' Allen said. 'When the farmers came up to deliver some vegetables, Mrs Quin noticed I was looking a bit dishevelled - I'd been up all night because you'd taken a very bad spell, convulsing and shouting as though you were having awful nightmares, and I hadn't had time to wash or change my clothes - and asked me if anything was wrong, and I told her about you. She came up here, gave you a once-over and told me I didn't have the good sense God gave a pig for not calling someone to have a look at you sooner. I protested that I hadn't thought there were any doctors in the area - there isn't even one in Lamor, only a barber-surgeon who had already come and done no good - and she said very scornfully that _that_ wasn't what she meant at all. She went away and came back with a little old woman who looked as though she was carrying half the swamp on her back, and _she_ made up some sort of strong-smelling brew and made you drink it, then told me to keep you well covered up and you would be on the mend by morning. I couldn't believe it but it's come true. Do you really not remember any of that?'

'Nothing at all,' Gaddes said. 'I wish I _could_ remember. It seems ungrateful.'

'Don't be silly,' Allen said, smiling. 'I'm rather glad if you can't. It must have been a beastly experience. All I care about is that you're going to get well. I felt terrible when I thought you might die, all because I'd dragged you out on a fool's errand. Thank heaven for little old wise women! I'm not at all impressed with the barber-surgeon. Cupping and bleeding didn't do you a particle of good.'

'Oh,' said Gaddes, looking inside the front of the nightrobe. 'That would explain these things like really enormous hickeys on my chest. I thought I felt sore.'

'I'm sorry about that. It probably made things worse.'

'It's not your fault the barber's an idiot,' Gaddes said. 'We just won't give him any more business, eh?' He rubbed the bristles on his face with a rueful grin.

'Speaking of which, I would have tried to give you a shave,' said Allen, 'but I was afraid of cutting you by mistake. Sometimes you twitched about quite unexpectedly. At the worst times I had to hold you down.'

 _He was holding me down in bed and I didn't know anything about it. God is mocking me._ Gaddes found himself squeezing Allen's hand and smiling at him rather foolishly. 'I really don’t know how to thank you,' he said.

'Don't bother,' Allen said. 'I felt responsible for the whole business, and in any case I was glad to look after you. You're my friend. I know you would do the same for me.'

'Of course I would.' _And I really hope I wouldn't take advantage of your weakness to enjoy myself a little. I don't_ think _I would, I would just feel awfully tempted._

'I want you to stay in bed today,' Allen said, 'because you seem badly run down. Tomorrow you can see if you feel like getting up for a little while, but right now you are to stay here and be waited upon hand and foot. I insist. And eat your breakfast before it gets cold and horrible.' He helped Gaddes to sit up against the pillows and put the tray across his knees.

'This is ridiculous,' Gaddes muttered, finding that he couldn’t hold the knife and fork steady. His hands were shaky.

'Well, don't worry about it,' Allen said, taking them from his hands. 'I fed you before, when you were awake enough to take anything, and I can feed you now.' He set about cutting up the egg and making a sort of fork kebab with bacon and a square of toast.

'I suppose you've had a lot of practice feeding Natalie - sorry, Natal,' Gaddes said, nodding at the young owl. It glared back at him as if he had been thoroughly impertinent.

'That's right, although I'm sure you want to get back to it,' Allen said, holding out the forkful of food. 'Open?' Feeling like an overgrown baby, Gaddes took the mouthful.

'Actually,' said Allen, with a sudden boyish enthusiasm, 'look at our little trick.' He cut off a small piece of bacon and put it in his mouth, sticking out between his lips, then turned his head towards Natal, who nibbled it away very politely and gulped it down.

'Well, mother birds feed their young from their mouths,' Allen explained, smiling sheepishly, 'so I thought I'd try that as being more natural for him. I suppose it's rather strange, but I've enjoyed looking after him - he was less of a worry than you, of course. Oh, and look at what he's learned to do!' He sprang up from the bed and reached his hand to his shoulder. Natal shuffled onto it, and Allen extended his arm so he was holding the bird away from him. Standing a few paces from the bed, he flicked his hand upward, launching Natal into the air. Rather ungracefully, the young owl flapped his way to the end of the bed and perched on the knob at the top of the bedpost. He almost fell off backwards in doing so, but it would have been uncharitable to comment.

'Isn't he clever?' Allen asked, beaming proudly.

Gaddes took a long look at the two of them and folded his arms. 'You're his mum,' he said.

'I am not,' said Allen. 'He's your bird.'

'That's not true,' said Gaddes, breaking into a grin. 'You're smitten with him. You are _so_ his mum.'

'Oh, but that's not fair,' Allen protested, picking up Natal and restoring him to his shoulder perch almost unconsciously as he spoke. Natal, who was clearly used to riding there, settled down and nibbled at his ear affectionately. 'I shouldn't take him away from you.'

'I didn't want him in the first place,' Gaddes said. 'You're welcome to him. If you actually enjoy looking after him, I can't think of anything I'd rather give you. Consider him a thank-you present for looking after me.'

'Really?' said Allen, glancing eagerly at the owl. 'Thank you!'

'No, no, don’t _you_ thank me, we've got to get square!'

'We don't need to worry about that,' Allen said happily, sitting down again. 'Now let's get this breakfast into you.'

'How'd you teach him to ride on your shoulder?'

'He just seems to like doing it.'

'Makes you look like the exact opposite of a pirate.'

'Well,' said Allen, laughing, 'aren't I? Open.'

After finishing breakfast, Gaddes felt fairly exhausted and Allen insisted that he have another nap. He woke him at lunchtime, spoon-feeding him a bowl of soup because although his hands trembled appreciably less, he was still in no shape to feed himself.

'It'll be a while before I can get rid of this without cutting my throat,' he said, fingering his beard.

'Oh, I'll help you with that,' said Allen, and had hurried away to get a basin of hot water before Gaddes could protest. He refused to listen to any objections, insisting that this was all part of the service. Because he was unsure he could do a proper job from the front, he settled on sitting directly behind Gaddes and making him lean back against his body, so he could shave him from a more natural angle. Natal settled once more on the bedpost, and tucking his head under his wing in a way that made him look as if he had been bloodlessly decapitated, went to sleep.

'You still look quite flushed,' Allen said as he applied lather. 'Are you sure you don't feel feverish any more?'

'Not feverish at all,' Gaddes said, quite untruthfully; he knew, though, that the heat he was feeling was nothing to do with any bodily illness. Telling himself that there was absolutely no way out of the situation, he resolved to close his eyes, lie back and enjoy it, although he did take the precaution of drawing up his knees, making a large tent of the covers against the possibility of a smaller tent rising. Allen was humming quietly as he worked; the bed was warm and soft, the shaving soap had a pleasant fresh smell, the razor was sharp and clean and didn't drag or rasp at all, and all in all he felt very well pampered. He was acutely conscious of the strong slender form of Allen's torso behind him, of the living warmth of his legs on either side, of the gentle sleeping bulge between those legs, positioned just against the small of his own back. _God, if only he'd get hard. It could happen. I wouldn't even have to say anything, I could just lie here and feel it pressing against me and pretend I was tactfully ignoring it._ The only rising hardness was on his own part. He was going to be pretty uncomfortable until that went down by itself; there was no way he could let himself go in Allen's bed. Still, it was a very sweet, warm ache. In a way he could enjoy that too.

'There you are,' said Allen, patting his face with a towel, 'all smooth and clean again.' Gaddes heard him set the razor down on the bedside table; he didn’t move, mainly because he was so comfortable where he was. He opened his eyes after a moment and looked up at Allen's face, hovering over him with a gentle, upside-down smile on the lips. His corn-blond hair was hanging down as he bent his head over his friend, and he pushed one side of it back behind his ear. His hand was moving to the other side when it was forestalled by Gaddes'. Almost holding his breath, he gently tucked the silky hair behind Allen's ear, drawing his fingers back slowly past his soft downy earlobe and along the angle of his jaw. He was not sure why he did it, except perhaps because he could. It seemed to change the very air in the room, charging it with some new sharply ionised atmosphere. Equally slowly and gently, Allen's fingertips traced the side of Gaddes' face, exploring the smooth texture, and awakening the acute sensitivity, of the freshly-shaven skin. He had taken off his white gloves for this; it was the first time he had touched Gaddes with his bare hands.

Looking up into Allen's eyes, Gaddes felt as though he was gazing into the vault of the purest, brightest summer sky. His own eyes, faded grey-blue like old denim, could be nothing like as beautiful, but love must be shining out of them as brightly as the sun.

 _Kiss me,_ he thought. _Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me kiss me kiss me. I need it to be you that does it. I can't start something like that._ To his astonishment and joy, he thought he felt a slight stirring against the small of his back, just a hint of arousal. The sky clouded over; Allen blinked in confusion and suddenly the air was ordinary, the room was dull and absolutely nothing was going to happen.

'You do look feverish,' Allen said. 'I'll get you a drink of water and a cold cloth for your forehead.' Not ungently, but very firmly, he lifted Gaddes' shoulders so he could get out from behind him and off the bed, slipping away and out the door.

'Th-thank you.' Gaddes sank back against the pillows, still warm and pressed down by Allen's body. All he could be glad of was that he hadn't said or done anything to really humiliate himself. He had at least been a gentleman; hadn't tried to force himself on Allen. He seemed perfectly willing to believe that if Gaddes had looked or acted a little oddly it was only the fever in him. That was something. That might be everything; to put it another way, that might be all. His fingers had not trembled at all as he touched Allen's face, but now his hands were shaking so hard he had to grip the edge of the bedspread to keep them still. To his astonishment, he was more powerfully aroused by that one gentle stroke against his bare cheek than he had ever been by the most inventive and extreme embraces Nichol had introduced him to. Nichol! He hardly even seemed real now; he was a fading yellowed ghost where once his body and face had filled the world. Now Allen's face was the sun on the horizon; the sky was only blue as it reflected his eyes, the sunlight only golden because it imitated his hair, peaches and rosepetals were shamelessly plagiarising from his cheeks and lips.

'Oh, God…' he moaned, twisting his hands in the sheets to keep them from straying to touch the persistently pulsing heat in his groin. Natal, on the bedpost, woke up, shook his head and regarded Gaddes sarcastically.

'It's all right for _you_ ,' Gaddes muttered, ' _you_ get to eat out of his mouth.' Natal cocked his head to one side quizzically.

' _Who?'_ he enquired.

'Allen, you idiot bird. Gorgeous, perfect Allen Schezar. Don’t tell him I'm in love with him, will you. Hah, good thing you're _not_ a parrot.'

' _Who_ ,' replied Natal imperturbably, and started to preen his feathers. In desperation, Gaddes reached down and gave himself a sharp little pinch in a sensitive spot. It did the trick in terms of killing the erection, but it hurt so much that he had to turn over and bite the pillow for a moment, tears springing in his eyes. _Oh, and_ this _is a familiar feeling. I didn't think I'd be tasting feathers again; not all by myself, anyway._ He heard Allen's tread in the corridor beyond the door and quickly wiped his face on his sleeve.

'This should help,' Allen said, entering with a glass of water and a cold compress. 'Now, I want you to keep resting. I hope I don't have to call that old lady back and admit I haven't been taking proper care of you.' He gave the glass to Gaddes, and when he had taken a few sips took it back and set it on the table. 'Lie down, Gaddes.' He laid the damp cloth on his forehead and smoothed it down; it felt soothingly cold. For a moment he held Gaddes' face between his hands, looking at him with worry in his eyes. 'Your eyes look a little too bright. Just rest, and I hope you feel better soon. Come here, Natal, don't bother your uncle when he's not feeling well.' Taking the owl with him, he left the room.

After some time, Gaddes succeeded in falling asleep again. Apart from his troubled mind, it would have been easy because he really did feel tired. He woke in the early evening with the dried-out cloth sandwiched between his cheek and the pillow, and with the realisation that all his earlier good resolutions about not masturbating had been fairly pointless as he had had a rather lavish wet dream in the meantime. Frustratingly, he couldn't remember the exact details, only a vivid sense-memory of the texture and scent of Allen's hair. He also needed quite desperately to go to the toilet. That meant going downstairs to the long-drop.

Carefully, he pushed back the covers and swung his legs out of bed, sitting up slowly to make sure he was not going to topple over. Actually, he decided, he felt a lot steadier by now. Perhaps all he really needed for recovery now was natural sleep. Fortunately, the nightrobe wasn't visibly stained; the mess was on the inside and on his own skin. It didn't matter if he met anyone. With one hand against the wall, to be on the safe side, he made his way to the door and out into the corridor. The stairs gave him some trouble; he had to hold the banister fairly tightly. No-one seemed to be around; they must all be busy somewhere else. He wasn't sure whether he wanted them to be getting on fine without him or falling apart in his absence. He would have to pull himself together now.


	6. Chapter 6

The remainder of his recovery was quick and unremarkable. Allen continued to be kind and attentive, but there was never another charged moment like the one Gaddes thought they had both felt before. After a while he began to think he had probably imagined Allen's apparent response to his desire. It was just because he wanted so badly for there to _be_ a response. What he had seen in Allen's eyes had only been kindness, a brotherly sort of tenderness. The touch on his face needn't have the same meaning as his touching Allen, and as for the stirring between Allen's thighs that had probably been pure fantasy. Nothing had changed between them; nothing ever came of it.

 _Nothing and no-one_ , he thought. Except, of course, that he found himself using the scenario again and again, with variations as imagination permitted, in the fantasies of his nights and idle moments, and certainly enough of those led to him coming. He was afraid he was taking this to excess, but even when he stopped his hands he could not stop his thoughts. When he was actually talking to Allen, in his presence, he was fairly well under control. He sometimes realised he was staring at Allen's lips while he talked, or watching the way he moved with a little too much admiration, and had to pull up sharply, but overall he behaved himself, and his lapses were not of a kind to be observed by anyone else. It was when he was by himself that it got out of hand.

After that first day he had gone back to sleeping in his own room, and after washing the nightrobe himself he had given it back and returned to sleeping in nothing but his own skin. He was more comfortable that way. Knowing exactly what Allen wore to bed added a new level of detail to the fantasies; he knew just what you would have to do to undress him, how the robe would fall open over his chest first, as you unfastened the little button, then falling away entirely at a tug on the soft belt at the waist _._ He knew how it felt to lie in Allen's bed, the texture and weight of the quilt and sheets, the sag in the middle of the feather tick mattress so that two people would roll to nestle together, the way the slat base squeaked when you moved. It was wonderful and terrible what a vivid picture he could conjure for himself.

It was all he had as the weeks rolled on. He felt increasingly hypocritical in his friendship with Allen. He never told him anything untrue about his feelings, but nor did he tell him the most important and central truth. Winter was coming on, and the men were often confined to the fort by heavy, bonechilling rainfall. Since the bandits were not stupid enough to go out in it either, the only serious consequence of this was that mild cases of cabin fever developed. Sometimes it took the form of short tempers and simmering grievances; sometimes it broke out in weird behaviour, punchiness born of boredom. The men played tricks on each other, or made and took dares, or just behaved like lunatics until they felt better. Their commander always humoured them as long as their behaviour did not become seriously disruptive.

Allen caught a cold and went around pale, sniffling and obviously suffering but refusing to lie down or be treated as an invalid, which made Gaddes feel guilty. He felt guiltier still about the fact that he was half hoping Allen would get sick enough to need to be looked after by him, but he recovered within a few days, which was both a relief and a disappointment. Natal became proficient at flying and started to catch small prey without the need for any instruction. The river burst its banks and changed its course in various places; the swamp people took this in stride, as it happened almost every year.

On one of the few clear days of a very soggy late autumn, a patrol from the fort successfully interrupted a robbery attempt upon an elderly merchant travelling to Fanelia by wagon, since the weather conditions made flying impractical. Shaken but unhurt, he was persuaded to come and stay at the fort for a couple of days, partly so the gang that attacked him could be thoroughly rounded up and he could identify them for the magistrate, but also because he was a welcome diversion. It was a bit of a mystery what sort of business he thought he would do in Fanelia. People out there did not normally have the disposable income to buy jewellery or picture-books or hand-painted gold-rimmed china. The men thoroughly enjoyed picking through his stock, and he gave out many small presents in gratitude for their help.

Allen did not take a great interest in anything except the books, which were not of very high quality - that was, until he found the decorated plate.

'What is this?' he asked, holding it up with an odd look on his face, as though he knew the answer but was hoping it would be something different.

'It's a plate,' said Reeden, who was trying on a lady's hat on top of his usual bandanna. 'You _eat_ things off it,' he added helpfully. He was in a stupid mood today (cabin fever again) and kept talking in put-on accents, which he seemed to find highly amusing. Gaddes was getting sorely tempted to box his ears, but in the present circumstances that was only likely to heighten tensions within the fort. Getting through winter with this bunch was often a challenge. In the past he had resorted to spending a lot of time every day in his room, doing nothing. Now there was still nothing to do but he couldn't go there to do it.

'That, my good sir, is a very lovely piece, just imported from Freid, a commemorative plate commissioned from the finest artists on the occasion of the birth of the Duke's heir. Quite a collector's item, sure to appreciate in value,' the merchant said, in plummy tones. His accent was one of the ones Reeden had been imitating.

'It's - it's already happened?' Allen said. 'No, of course it has. I - my goodness. You said heir - it's a boy?'

'A _prince_ ,' the merchant corrected him. 'I have not had the good fortune to see him myself but I understand he's a very bonny little fellow, very like his mother. Sir can of course see this in the artist's impression of the ducal family - the flaxen hair and cornflower-blue eyes. Beautifully captured on the finest porcelain. One always sees the best work of this kind in Freid, doesn't one, sir? I see sir is a connoisseur. For this exceptionally fine piece, I could not consider accepting less than thirty gold.'

'All right,' said Allen, without taking his eyes off the painted figures of the Duke, Duchess and Prince.

'Sir is a hard bargainer - ' said the merchant, and then his brain caught up with his mouth. 'You what?' he said, losing his accent entirely.

'Thirty, right?' said Allen. 'I'll just fetch it for you.' He went up to his room, still carrying the plate in his hands. He came back without it, but with a small bag from which he counted over thirty gold coins into the disbelieving merchant's hand. Then he vanished upstairs again. After arguing with himself for some time, Gaddes followed him and tapped on the closed bedroom door.

'What is it?' Allen's voice came from within. There was a tremor in his voice that Gaddes recognised.

'It's just me, Boss. Can I come in?'

'If you want to.'

Gaddes hesitated a moment, then opened the door and went in. Closing it behind him, he saw Allen was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the bed, his head bowed and his face concealed by a curtain of his hair. It was just past his shoulders now and he had recently taken to binding it in a loose ponytail, but he had unfastened it at the moment.

'Are you all right?' Gaddes asked. 'I can guess what that thing must mean to you.' He edged a little closer to the bed and looked where Allen was looking. The plate lay on the bedspread, in two pieces; about a third, the part that had borne the likeness of the Duke of Freid, had been broken off and lay to one side, so the remainder bore only a portrait of the Duchess Marlene, dressed in dove-grey and lavender, holding her infant son in her arms and smiling sweetly.

'She's beautiful, Boss,' Gaddes said quietly. 'And your son is too.'

'He's not my son,' said Allen, his voice thick with tears. 'He's not and never will be, any more than she'll ever be my wife. He's the Prince of Freid and he'll grow up to be Duke. He'll never even know me, and it's better that way. Better he should never have a rotten father like me. I could only ruin things for him.' He had been sitting very still, but at this a sob escaped him and he hunched over, covering his face with his hands. Natal, perched in his favourite place on the bedpost, shook his wings and tutted with his beak.

'Don't say that,' Gaddes said, sitting down by Allen's side and putting an arm round him, rubbing his shoulder. 'Don't be so hard on yourself. I hate seeing you unhappy like this.'

'I'm t-trouble to everyone I've ever cared about!' Allen wept. 'My father hated me and I let my sister get lost and I let my mother die and-'

'Shut up!' said Gaddes, giving him a gentle shake. 'You're talking crap because you're upset. I can't say anything about your father, because frankly I think the less said about _him_ the better, but what happened to your mum and your sister was _not_ your fault, and so far from you being trouble to anyone you care about, you've made _my_ life ten times better just since you got here, if that means anything to you. Of course you made a big mistake with the Princess, and of course you feel rotten about it, but don't go making it into a reason why there's nothing good about you. You're only sixteen!'

'Almost seventeen.'

'Whatever. The point is, you're still a kid. You don't know everything and you can't take care of everything and if you expect to you'll just be miserable. You're going to have a long life and do great things and I'm going to help you. Don't you dare go thinking your life is over already, or spoiled because of one screw-up. You said as much to me yourself your first night here, so don't go making that a lie. You saying that was what made me start believing in you! If I can believe in it so can you.'

Allen tried to say something in reply to this, but it got lost in his tears. In the end he could only hide his face in Gaddes' shoulder and cry as if his heart was breaking. Gaddes put both arms around him and held him tightly, one hand mindlessly stroking round in a circle on his back. He pressed his cheek against Allen's soft hair and tried to think of something, anything soothing to say.

'Don't cry… don't cry, it'll be all right.' _Is that the best I can come up with?_ 'We'll be all right as long as we're together, right? You took care of me and I'll take care of you.'

'Do you promise that?' Allen asked, sounding muffled. 'You'll always be my friend, no matter what?'

'Of course I do.'

'There's nothing that could make you stop caring for me?'

'I can't think of a single thing.'

'All I want to do is be worthy of that. I've let down everyone else, especially myself. I don't ever want to let you down.'

'You never could, Allen, you never could.'

Allen sat up a little, pulling away enough to wipe his eyes on his sleeve. He sniffed and managed a bit of a smile. 'I don't think I could go on without you, you know. I don't have any brothers but you must be as dear to me as a brother could ever be.'

'Thank you.' _Brotherly love, too much and not enough._ He took Allen's face between his hands and stroked away a couple of errant tears with his thumbs, smiling gently. 'You're going to be all right, aren't you?'

'Yes. Yes. You won't ever tell anyone about this, will you?'

'I've never told anyone a thing you said to me in private. I never will. You can always count on me.'

Allen raised a hand to cover one of Gaddes', holding it to his face. 'I'm really a very weak person, I suppose,' he murmured after a moment. 'I thought I had put this behind me. I didn't realise how it would all surge up again.'

'It's just because you loved her. Love doesn't go away all at once.'

'I like the way I love you much better,' said Allen. Before Gaddes could think of anything to say to that he had dropped his hand, and was smoothing his hair back away from his face, fastening it with the toggle looped around his wrist. He hastily took his own hands away from Allen's face.

'I'd better start behaving like an adult now,' Allen said. 'We're going into Lamor today, after all. It only needs a few people to take the prisoners in to the magistrate, but I thought it would be a nice break for all the men, to get out and see some faces other than the ones they see every day. A few have volunteered to stay behind as sentries, and I don't really anticipate any trouble.'

'Well, except what our guys might cause in Lamor,' Gaddes said, grinning.

'But you and I will be keeping an eye on them.'

'Unless we want to misbehave too.'

'As if we would,' said Allen, sounding amused.

'You need to relax a bit, though. At least have a drink and try to forget about stuff for a while. Just to please me.'

In the evening, as they sat at a back table in the Lamor pub, he wondered if that was really the way to drown Allen's sorrows. He didn't really have the mentality for getting drunk and happy; he sat quietly with a glass of wine and drank moderately. Gaddes didn't want to get pie-eyed if he wasn't going to as well. It would be embarrassing. He couldn’t think of much to talk about, not in a place like this where they might be overheard. It wasn't quite private or public. He kept finishing his own drinks too fast, although he was trying to space them out with distractions like throwing peanuts at Natal. The owl was quite good at snapping them out of the air.

'You shouldn't give him those,' said Allen, 'he'll only regurgitate them later.'

'Won't we all,' said Gaddes, looking at the bowl the peanuts were in. Someone had earlier mistaken it for an ashtray, and possibly also a spittoon. 'Do you want another glass? You've nearly finished that, and I'll be going to the bar in a sec anyway.'

'Thank you,' said Allen, more as though he were being polite than really enjoying his drink.

'See you in a minute, then,' said Gaddes, and made his way to the bar. The pub was quite full, what with the men out of the fort and a number of people from outlying farmsteads who had come in for the market next day. There were also a surprising number of out-of-towners; word was spreading that the swamps were safer for travellers these days. He had to wait a while to place his order. People jostled behind and around him as he tried to get the bartender's attention.

'Glass of claret and a - can you hear me? Glass of claret and a pint of bitter.' The bartender quickly drew the pint and went off to see about the wine. Gaddes picked up the glass and sucked a little of the foam off the top so he would be less likely to spill it on the way back to the table.

Someone slapped him on the behind, giving him a hell of a surprise. He almost bit the rim off the glass.

'Hello, Sammy.' The hand lingered on his rear and gave him a little squeeze before dropping away. Only one person would do something like that; only one person would get away with it.

 _I will_ not _jump round. Especially not with foam on the end of my nose._ 'Nichol?'

'I wondered if I'd see you round here. When I knew I was coming I thought, isn't that where Sammy ended up?'

'Thanks to you.'

'You going to turn around, or do I have to keep talking to the back of your head?'

Gaddes wiped his nose and upper lip on his sleeve and turned slowly. He kept his eyes low, because he did not want to have to look Nichol in the eye straight away. He focused on a point at about collarbone level. It surprised him to find that Nichol was no longer taller than him, although he should have known it.

'You're looking good,' Nichol said. 'You grew up handsome.' There was a grin in his voice.

'You got fat,' said Gaddes. It was a nasty thing to say, but he'd always heard the best defence was a good offence, and he was feeling defensive. Besides, he was interested to see that it was partly true. Nichol was not really _fat_ but he was distinctly heavier around the middle, bulging above the belt, and he looked as if he was making an effort to hold in his gut. He let his gaze move up and found that in many ways Nichol seemed to have gone to seed. There was a puffiness about his face that there hadn't been when he had first known him, his wavy hairline had receded a little, and his sharp brown eyes looked weary - also annoyed.

'And you're still a rude little shit,' he said. 'I'd forgotten how often I had to smack some manners into you.'

'Sorry,' said Gaddes coolly, 'it was the first thing I noticed. What are you doing here? We would know if troops were in the area. Are you AWOL?'

'I'm not in the army any more,' said Nichol. 'If you must know, I got a dishonourable discharge.' The returning bartender put down a wineglass, and Gaddes paid him, trying to seem calm and unhurried.

'I always said you'd catch something like that if you weren't careful. Still, the doctors can do a lot these days,' he said to Nichol, picked up the glasses and walked away before his old lover had time to answer back. His heart was humming at panic speed and he felt as though Nichol's eyes were burning a hot spot in the centre of his back. He wished he could become invisible. At least the crowds here tonight would make him harder to follow. He ducked behind a large man telling a story with expansive arm movements and made a circuitous route back to the table where Allen was waiting.

'Are you all right?' Allen asked as he sat down. 'You look rather hot under the collar.'

'I just saw someone I didn't want to see,' Gaddes said. 'Remember the Tragic Past I don't talk about? Someone like that.'

'An old girlfriend?' said Allen, uncertainly, as though he was not sure it was tactful.

'No, nothing like that.' He lowered his voice, although this meant he had to lean over the table for Allen to have any hope of hearing him. 'The guy who accused me.'

'Seriously?' said Allen, looking startled and indignant. 'Did he have the nerve to speak to you?'

'Don't worry about it.'

'I'd like to have a word with him myself.'

'For God's sake don't!' _If I can just get out of here without bumping into him again, and particularly without him and Allen meeting, I'll consider the evening a success._

'It probably is wiser just to ignore him,' Allen said reluctantly. 'Do you want to leave?'

'We don't have to.'

'I will if you'd rather. There's no need to stay if he's bothering you. We can find somewhere else to go and still meet the others at midnight as planned.'

'There aren't a lot of places to go in Lamor. It's this or - actually, it's just this.'

'Well, we can walk around.'

'You shouldn't have to spend your first evening in civilisation for months walking around in the dark because I bumped into a dickhead.'

'Well,' said Allen, 'firstly, this isn't quite civilisation as I know it, secondly, I won't really mind much where I am as long as I have good company, and thirdly, the noise in here is making Natal nervous and he keeps digging his claws into my shoulder quite painfully. And those girls over there are laughing at me.' He indicated three young women sitting together nearby with a tilt of his head.

'Are you sure they're laughing at you? Maybe they just think you're cute.' _Goodness knows I do._

'No, I could hear them making fun of my owl and my puffed sleeves. Honestly, if I were their fathers I wouldn't let them come out to a place like this in the evening. There are some very unsavoury types about. As your encounter just demonstrated. Let's go.' He took up his glass and drank off the contents in one go.

'Do you think that's a smart way to drink wine, Boss?'

'Don't make a fuss, it's only my second glass. Finish yours and we can leave.'

'I think you were sitting here waiting for an excuse to get out,' Gaddes said. Knocking back the last of his beer made him realise that he was now past - only just, but certainly past - his limit for reasonably sober behaviour. He would have to watch himself carefully now. He thought he might also need to watch Allen; although technically the boy was his superior Gaddes couldn't help feeling responsible for and protective of him, especially when he seemed as young as he did just now, and was looking rather pink in the face, whether from embarrassment at the girls' attention or from having skulled a fair-sized glass of unaccustomed alcohol.

 _I bet his mouth tastes like wine. Stop it!_ He got up, noting the feeling that his head was floating above his shoulders rather than being attached to it by the normal arrangements, and followed Allen as he picked his way through the crowd towards the door. The air outside was chilly and damp, especially compared with the stuffy atmosphere generated by many people and a blazing fireplace indoors, but that was refreshing and Gaddes drew in a deep breath with a feeling of relief.

'Where should we go now?' Allen wondered aloud. 'It's all the same to me. Maybe we should flip a coin.'

'Ask the owl,' Gaddes suggested. 'He sees all and knows all.'

'But tells nothing,' Allen pointed out. 'He's a very discreet bird. Yes you are,' he added, absent-mindedly scratching the owl's head. Natal ruffled his feathers and clicked his beak contentedly.

The door opened behind them, letting out a slice of noise and light before it swung to behind an emerging figure.

'I thought I saw you skulking off,' Nichol said. 'Who's your friend?'

Allen looked at him with instant contempt, which, if possible, endeared him still further to Gaddes. He couldn't help seeing the glaring contrast between the two men he had fallen in love with. He would never have thought twice about Nichol if he had met him for the first time tonight; at least he supposed not. He wouldn't be the same person if he hadn't met him before now. He might have been happier, but he supposed he would have been dumber.

'This is my commanding officer,' he told Nichol, 'Allen Schezar of the Knights of Heaven.'

'Good evening, sir,' said Allen, with a curt nod of his head.

'What's a Knight of Heaven doing commanding a swamp garrison?' Nichol asked, his tone incredulously rude.

'A good job,' said Gaddes crisply. 'Have you got something you want to say to me or can I get on with my life unmolested?'

'I never _molested_ you, Sammy,' said Nichol, grinning. 'You're the one with a record that way.'

'Look here,' said Allen abruptly, 'I will not stand here and listen to you malign a good man. I know all about _you_. And I am glad to say that I know Gaddes very well and I know the accusation _you_ made was perfectly untrue.'

'He's told you that, has he?' said Nichol. 'I can't blame him.'

'Just shut up,' said Gaddes desperately. He wasn't sure if he was talking to Allen or Nichol. It felt all wrong for these two parts of his life to come into conjunction.

'Exactly,' said Allen. 'We don't have to listen to this. Good evening, sir. Come on, Gaddes.'

'I see you're still someone's bitch,' said Nichol to Gaddes, sneering.

 _I'm not going to give you a reaction. I'm not going to let you see you can hurt me any more._

'I _beg_ your pardon,' said Allen. 'What did you call him?'

'Your bitch. Unless you're his. Maybe he wanted someone pretty this time.'

'That's what I thought, thank you,' said Allen brightly, swung his arm, and punched him under the chin with sufficient force to lift him off his feet. He landed in a heap and collapsed entirely, unconscious.

'Ouch,' said Allen, shaking out his wrist. 'What an unpleasant man. Shall we go now?'

'Um,' said Gaddes. 'Yes. Quickly!' They hurried away through the damp streets; Gaddes found himself on the verge of laughter, or worse, giggles.

'I didn't think I'd knock him out,' Allen explained, a touch breathlessly. 'He was just so _irritating!'_

'You always punch people who irritate you?'

'No, I have to be a bit tipsy first, I think.'

'You should do it more often, it's very effective.' They were coming to the edge of the town, on the side away from the river. Lamor stood on an island, but the watercourse on the other side was so narrow and shallow that it did not really seem to cut it off. There was a small footbridge over it, and then the path led away into the trees. It was quiet here, except for the orchestra of insects and frogs that performed every night in this region. The moons were at third quarter, although the Mystic Moon looked shadowy and indistinct tonight.

'I don't _think_ any outraged citizens are going to come after us now,' Allen said, turning on the footbridge to look back at the town.

'As if _we'd_ misbehave,' said Gaddes, trying to imitate Allen's voice. 'I can't take you anywhere. Two drinks and you start a fight.' He felt inanely happy somehow, and wanted to make Allen laugh.

'He started it!' Allen protested. 'Calling you names. What an idiot, anyway. It doesn't even make sense to call a man a bitch. What was that supposed to mean?'

'He was accusing us of being - well, what he said Corporal Esper and I were. If I'm your bitch it kind of means you're the boss of me.'

'I _am_ ,' said Allen, frowning as though he didn't quite get it.

'Not like _that_. Like…' He trailed off, unsure of whether he even wanted to make Allen understand what he had been, even if he didn't mention that it was him.

'I don't understand it and I don't want to; it's probably disgusting anyway,' said Allen cheerfully, and sat down on the side of the footbridge with his legs hanging over the stream. There were no railings at the sides to lean on, so he leaned back and rested his weight on his hands. 'It's a beautiful night and there's no need to think of him any further.'

'I just couldn't believe it when you _popped_ him like that,' Gaddes said enthusiastically, shaking his head as he sat down by Allen's side. 'It was - I just couldn't _believe_ it. Talk about style. I wouldn't have thought of that. He always gets me really rattled, so I just want to hide. But you just stepped up and knocked him flying! Don't take it the wrong way, but I love you!' He laughed as he said it, to make it sound light-hearted and jokey, but there was no way he could have kept it back.

'There's no wrong way to love someone,' Allen said, smiling peacefully at him. Gaddes caught his breath. _Right here, under the moonlight, I may be about to become perfectly happy._

Then Allen's eyes clouded and he looked away, gazing down at the water as it chuckled over the stony streambed. 'Or maybe I'm wrong,' he said thoughtfully. 'I mean, look at me and Marlene.'

' _Please_ stop beating yourself up about that,' Gaddes said, trying to fight through his own crashing disappointment to find some sympathy. _I wish you'd piss off and stop getting in my way, Princess Wonderful Marlene!_ 'You talk about it like you were some sort of wolf taking advantage of her. But she started it! It was all her decision, you just gave her what she wanted.'

'That isn't exactly what I'm talking about,' said Allen, 'and yet it sort of touches on the same thing.' He picked up a pebble that lay on the bridge and chucked it into the water. Disturbed by the movement, Natal fluttered off his shoulder, dipped through the air and flew towards the woods with a hunting cry.

'I hadn't thought hard about her for a little while now, and when I did today I thought I saw something about it that I'd never really thought of before.' He looked up at Gaddes; his expression was more quizzical than anything else, as if he hoped his friend might shed some new light on a puzzle. 'When I was all upset, I said to you that the baby would never be my son any more than Marlene would be my wife. But thinking about that… I don't think I _want_ Marlene to be my wife. I don't think I ever actually wished for that. Perhaps it was because I knew it wouldn't be allowed to happen anyway, or perhaps because Marlene never seemed to think of the future in that way, but I really had no idea in my mind of a life for us together. I was quite sure I loved her, but how can that be if I feel this way?'

'I think it's just because, like I said, you're still a kid. You're old enough to fall in love but not old enough to know who you really want to spend your life with, or see who the right person would be.'

'It just… rings false,' Allen said. 'Gaddes, I want to know if this is normal. Before the night when… it happened, I never actually imagined making love to her. It hadn't occurred to me. When I kissed her, it was not because I felt a positive desire to do so, it was because I thought it would make her happy. _That_ was what I wanted, to cause her happiness, by whatever means. Is that love?'

'It _is_ love,' Gaddes said slowly, 'but it's not the kind I'd get married on the strength of, no. Are you sure? I mean, you never had dreams about her, or anything?'

'What kind of dreams?' Allen asked.

Gaddes could feel himself blushing. It was strange how talking to someone who seemed innocent made you feel embarrassed about things that normally you accepted comfortably. 'Wet dreams,' he said quickly. 'Like when you dream you're doing it and you wake up to find your body thought you really were.' _He's got to know about that. He's sixteen for God's sake. And you'd think that at eighteen I could talk about it without going red._ He stared down at his boots, dangling over the stream. It was easier than trying to look Allen in the eye.

'Oh,' said Allen, sounding rather shocked. 'Do you think that should be part of being in love?'

'Well, I mean, it's just - I mean, if you _wanted_ to sleep with her even if you didn't think about it at the top of your mind it might have come up in your dreams.'

'I _have_ had that kind of dream but never about Marlene,' Allen said. 'Do you think that's strange?'

'Stranger if you didn't have them at all.' _If they weren't about her, then who? Or what? Sometimes the dream is just a feeling, yeah, but there's usually someone with you. Someone who makes you feel that way._

'I - I dreamed about, um, this woman from a picture,' Allen said, as though he sensed the question in Gaddes' mind, but sounding unsure if he should even admit it. 'A picture I saw reproduced in a book when I was quite young. She was, um, she had no clothes on, it was a sort of classical painting of a dryad, draped about with grapevines, and a crown of vine leaves on her head, and the loveliest soft-looking white skin, and she had, um, a bunch of violet-blue grapes in her actual _lap_ so you didn't see anything private but she had a single grape between her thumb and forefinger and she was _just_ biting it and looking up at me from under her eyelashes. Looking up at the viewer, I mean. I mean, I _thought_ it was a woman because the face was so beautiful. Just, just rather a willowy, gamine woman, perhaps very young and not fully developed yet.'

'What are you getting at?'

'Gaddes, last year I saw the original of that painting in the National Gallery in Pallas, and it was of a _boy_ ,' Allen said. 'It was bizarre! I stood there looking at it and could see as clear as day that it was a boy, and couldn’t think why I hadn't understood that in the first place. I was horribly embarrassed, although of course no-one was to know. It was as though my dream took off a mask. Why would anyone paint a picture like that? It doesn't make sense. I suppose it might be for women to look at, but I thought they didn't like that sort of thing. It seems a bit indelicate.'

'Um,' Gaddes said, trying to think of anything diplomatic he could say. 'Um, what actually _happened_ in those dreams?'

'Well, she let me eat all the grapes, for one thing,' said Allen. 'Don't let's talk about it! I haven't really been able to enjoy grapes since that.'

'I don't think I'll look at them quite the same way either.' _Damn! That wasn't meant to be out loud._

'Do you think that's really, really strange?' Allen asked, as if determined to hear the worst.

'No! Look, don't worry about it. Dreams _are_ strange. You weren't to know, were you?'

'Every time I try to understand something about desire I just get more confused,' Allen said, shaking his head. 'I don't know if it's separate from love, or part of love, if they always go together or can exist separately - look here, if you can have desire without love, which I know you can, it's what everyone complains about, surely you can have love without desire?'

'Ye-es,' said Gaddes, 'it's just that people don’t call that being _in_ love. _In_ love tends to mean that you want the whole package.' _The whole bunch of grapes. Thank you, incidentally, for providing me with another image that pops up every time I close my eyes!_

'This is why it's so much easier just to love you!' Allen exclaimed. 'That _can't_ be anything wrong, so I can just love you as much as I like without worrying.'

'Well, if I make you feel better that way, I'm glad.' _My God, he's innocent._

'Gaddes?' He felt Allen put a hand over his, where it rested on the boards of the bridge. He took the chance of turning to look at him. Allen leaned forward, looking very serious, and asked, 'Do you love me too? When you said it before it sounded a little as though you were just joking. I do want to think that you love me as I love you. You don't have to be embarrassed about saying it.'

'Of course I love you,' Gaddes mumbled. 'I thought you _knew_ I loved you.' _How can you be getting me to say this in a way that I don't want to? I_ do _love you that way, but that's not the half of it. And honestly, I'm starting to wonder again exactly what you mean by love. You sound pretty mixed up about it._

'Then I'm happy,' said Allen. He leaned over a little further and put his head down on Gaddes' shoulder. 'Tragic Pasts can take a running jump. We'll be all right.' He closed his eyes and rested there, the shadow of a smile on his lips. Gaddes looked down at him, and at the trusting white-gloved hand in his own brown mitt.

'Boss,' he said, mentally kicking himself for trying so hard to spoil it, 'someone might see us and think this is weird.'

'If they see us they'll probably think I'm a girl,' Allen said, sounding amused. 'I'll draw up my legs so they don't see my trousers, and spread out my overskirt a bit, and the camouflage will be perfect, from a distance, especially with my hair the length it is these days.'

'You don't have to keep boycotting the barber just because of me.'

'It's a matter of principle, and anyway I feel more comfortable with it long,' said Allen. 'I mean, I've had long hair for most of my life. It was the short cut that was out of the ordinary. Even then I couldn't make myself get it as short as yours. I felt almost as if I were having an arm off. For weeks when I tried to comb it I would keep making long strokes, and the comb would shoot off the end of the actual hair and then I'd think, oh yes, it's not there any more. The nape of my neck felt naked.'

 _Don't use a word like naked, please, not when you're so close to me. I keep feeling like I_ could _kiss you, and taste the wine, the ghost of grapes in your mouth… still, I should enjoy an evening like this as much as I can, within reason._

'Just relax,' said Allen, laughing softly. 'You're all stiff. No-one is going to come out here at this time of night and laugh at us being sentimental and childish.'

'Of course you're right,' said Gaddes, and gently squeezed his hand. 'You're not cold out here, are you?'

'No, I'm keeping nice and warm.'

 _How can_ anyone _be that innocent? Maybe he_ isn't _, maybe he's been trying for weeks to get me to make a move and I've been too dumb to try. No, that wouldn't be like him. He's too honest. He'd be direct about it if that were what he meant. So I just sit here… longing… How am I ever going to cope with this? If we get separated, I'll be miserable. But being together like this is doing my head in. He's just so sweet, and so gallant, and in a weird way so defenceless._

He let go of Allen's hand in order to be able to put his arm around his shoulders. 'Yeah, well, if I feel you shivering we're going somewhere indoors,' he said, a little gruffly. _I really,_ really _shouldn't be doing this! That's me, go too far and not far enough…_

'You worry about me far too much,' said Allen peacefully. 'You're the only person I've known, apart from my mother, who seemed to think they ought to take care of _me._ It's very refreshing, but rather funny.'

'I can't see you _letting_ most people take care of you,' Gaddes said. 'I was taking it as a compliment that you put up with it.'

'I enjoy making an exception in your case.'

Emboldened by the situation, and to a small extent by the amount of alcohol still in his bloodstream, Gaddes gave a little squeeze to Allen's shoulders and rested his cheek against the top of his head. He closed his eyes in delight at the silky texture of his hair, and quietly breathed in its clean scent. _I shouldn't be so sneaky… he has no idea what this means to me. Keep remembering that. This isn't romantic to him, it isn't exciting, it isn't making his heart go kerthoomp and you can bet your life it isn't making anything happen in his pants. Absolutely clear on that? Good. Just sit quietly and be happy. You couldn't hope for more than this._

They sat in dreaming silence for a long time, until Allen sat up with a start, and looking at his pocket watch, found it was almost midnight and time to meet the others to return home. He stood up and whistled to Natal, who emerged from the shadow of the trees as silently as a ghost, and they walked back into the town. Gaddes would have been just as happy never to move again.

 

For some reason, things seemed to get a little easier for him after that. Perhaps, he thought, it was a case of revising his expectations, or his hopes, to something he could live with. His expectations, he was pretty sure, had always been realistic, it was the wild hopes that were the problem. Or perhaps he was just getting resigned to the situation. He was able to enjoy the closeness they did share without breaking his heart that it was not deeper.

Was that really it? Sometimes he stepped back and looked at the situation very critically, and wondered if he wasn't feeling better because in an odd way he felt as though his hopes were being fulfilled. Even if Allen thought of it as a tender friendship, the way they were behaving together kept making him think of a kind of shy, adolescent romance, the sort of thing he had wanted to have with Danyon, holding hands, confiding secrets. It was very sweet, and yet he felt like a bit of a hypocrite, because his desires had moved a long way past that by this time in his life. This wasn't the be-all and end-all of love, as it would have been to his thirteen-year-old self; it was a stage in the progression to the kind of intimacy he really wanted.

He couldn't help thinking of it as romantic, just because it was secret. When anyone else was present Allen was completely different; he was unambiguously Boss, professional and gentlemanly and entirely, suavely in control. Then in private with his friend he would let that front drop so easily, so eagerly that Gaddes couldn't help feeling deeply flattered. It reminded him a little of something he had tried to put into words in his letter, that he had felt as though Nichol saw him naked; in that case it had been because Nichol's vision had somehow penetrated the cover he tried to keep around himself, the cloak over his feelings. Even while he was thrilled, he felt it as an invasion. In this case, it was as though he was the one who saw, because he was shown, because he was invited to see. It was the difference between looking through a hole in the changing-room wall and being allowed to watch your lover undress.

And when he got to thinking of it in _those_ terms he had to stop and shake himself sternly, remind himself that that was _not_ what Allen meant by it, so far as he could tell.

The temptation was still there. He didn't try to avoid fantasising any more, particularly when he had such good material. It just seemed easier to accept the gap between fantasy and reality, and how unlikely it was to be closed.

The year was turning, becoming more positively wintry. The weather changed; now instead of incessant rain there were grey days when the sky seemed to lower to half its usual height, as though the world were being packed in cotton wool for storage. Thunder grumbled around the horizon and Allen's hair filled up with static electricity. This was thoroughly strange, as it seemed to take on a will of its own. Anyone standing near him would find fine filaments of gold stretching out to cling to their clothes. It almost drove him mad, particularly the shorter strands around his face which clung to his cheeks and got into his mouth.

'It's not as if it doesn’t stick up enough by itself,' he complained to Gaddes, trying to smash it flat on top of his head. 'A very practical reason why I never cut it really short was that if it's shorter than about six inches it stands up straight. When I was a toddler I looked like a dandelion clock. My hair was nearly white when I was very small. The only thing that keeps my hair from looking _stupid_ is its own weight.'

'You can't walk around holding it down,' Gaddes pointed out. They were making their way through the swamp on a routine day patrol, heading back towards the fort, having seen nothing to concern them on the way out. 'Just tie it out of your way.'

'It won't even _stay_ in a ponytail,' Allen muttered, yanking out the toggle with an exasperated sigh. 'Look at this. It's creeping towards you. You're a hair magnet.'

'I can't help being attractive,' Gaddes said, laughing. He brushed away the strands that were adhering to his shoulder.

'And if I comb it or brush it it just gets worse,' Allen grumbled. 'I thought if I didn't wash it for a bit it might get better, but no, then it just looked greasy as well.'

'No it didn't. Don't think about it so much.'

'It's _annoying._ ' Allen made a petulant face as he pushed the sides back behind his ears, but his look turned to one of worry. 'Am I _being_ annoying?'

'Just a bit,' said Gaddes patiently, bending back a springy treelimb that obstructed the path and holding it so Allen could follow him through.

'I'm sorry,' said Allen. 'That's the worst of letting myself go with you. I feel as if I can say anything and sometimes that leads to me behaving like a spoiled child.'

'I don't know that you were ever spoiled.'

' _You_ spoil me,' Allen said, half-smiling. 'Holding that branch for me. That’s the sort of courtesy you're meant to perform for ladies.' He walked through, throwing a teasing glance back over his shoulder.

'Your hair confused me,' said Gaddes sarcastically. 'Besides, you think I'd walk through and let it spring back in your face?' Not that undignified things like that ever happened to Allen. The universe just unobtrusively arranged itself around him so that he was never made to look ridiculous. This static electricity difficulty was all the more striking because it was such an anomaly.

'You manage so much better in the swamp these days,' Allen said with clear admiration. 'In fact, I think the last accident I saw you have was the night we found Natal.'

'Then there's a lot you haven't seen,' Gaddes said. 'Or a lot you've been nice enough to overlook. You've always had a better opinion of me than I deserve.'

'You're not _that_ bad,' said Allen, patting him on the back. Gaddes felt a small electric jolt. This was not uncommon if Allen happened to touch him, but the loud 'snap' was less usual.

'Goodness,' said Allen, staring at his hand. 'I could _see_ a spark! It jumped between us when I patted you. I seem to be becoming a human lightning-conductor.'

'Are lightning and electricity the same stuff, then?'

'According to something I read the other day. The natural world is stranger than we can imagine, and I'm beginning to give up hope of understanding it. I'll never hold my own among intellectuals. I probably shouldn't aspire to be erudite.'

'I wouldn't aspire to use a _word_ like erudite. Speaking of lightning, does it look like rain to you?' They were stepping out from the shelter of the trees, into the cleared area in front of the fort, and the sky above them was ugly. It looked bruised, and while it had been oppressively still all day, a sudden wind now set the leaves and grasses hissing. The sky flickered as though the sun was blinking. Allen's hair was whipped into his face, and he shoved it away impatiently. Gaddes saw his lips move as he said something, but the sound was entirely drowned by a monstrous growl of thunder. It seemed to be directly overhead, like something that could fall on them; for a second they both instinctively hunched down and looked up as if to see the danger. Allen recovered first and began to laugh, and then the rain came down so thick and fast and heavy that it was almost ridiculous. Within seconds they were saturated, their hair plastered to their heads and their clothes to their skin; it was so sudden that they stood there gaping at one another in amazement.

Then fork-lightning stabbed down from the sky and a tree not far off erupted into flame, although judging by the amount of smoke and steam rising the rain began to put it out almost instantly.

'Shit!' said Gaddes. 'Let's get inside _quickly!'_ There was already a promising juvenile river running down the zigzag track up the bare hill to the gates, and running up it involved a lot of slithering and skidding back. Gaddes' feet went out from under him entirely at the second bend and he fell on his hands and knees, which promptly slipped in their turn so that he was deposited on his stomach in the mud. He hit his chin rather hard on a stone. Allen helped him up; although he was doing his best not to laugh, since it was not at all amusing for Gaddes to be hurt, he was on the edge of it. The absurdly extreme heaviness of the downpour was making him giggly.

'I'm _covered_ in it,' said Gaddes disgustedly.

'It'll rinse off in no time at this rate,' Allen pointed out. They were both shouting to be heard above the hiss of the rain. 'Let's get inside.'

The next few seconds seemed to Gaddes to pass with the unreal slowness of a dream. It should not be possible to see a bolt of lightning coming, and yet he could swear he saw it descend. There was no way to tell where it would land; he only had time to throw his arms around Allen and pull him close. If he was thinking anything, it was only that he would rather they got struck by lightning together than that either of them should die alone.

The lightning hit the earth several metres away. There was a blinding flash and a strange metallic scorched smell, but the two of them were completely unharmed, and stood motionless under the falling curtain of chilly water. Gaddes' heart had begun to pound from panic, and if possible it beat harder now. Allen's face was inches from his and their bodies were pressed closely together. Perhaps it was only to keep his balance on the slippery path, but Allen had closed his arms around Gaddes' waist and was holding on tightly. Probably it was only because he was startled, but he was gazing up at him with wide eyes and half-open lips, his face softly flushed and shining wet. His damp hair formed fine curling tendrils around his face; a strand was caught across his eyes and trembled as he blinked.

 _Don't,_ Gaddes told himself fiercely. _Let go, step back, remember it's not meant to be._ The compulsion was upon him so strongly that he could feel his own lips trying to shape themselves for a kiss even while he fought against it. He didn't have the power to let go; keeping still was the best he could do.

'Did you,' said Allen breathlessly, 'just now, try to rescue me from a _lightning bolt?'_   The trace of disbelief in his voice broke the spell.

'I'm sorry,' said Gaddes, snatching his hands away and holding them clear, although Allen's hands were still on his waist and springing away on this slimy surface seemed a good way to make them both fall over.

'Don't be sorry,' said Allen, smiling. 'But you'll admit it's funny. Alligators are one thing, but my dear fellow, did you seriously think you could protect me from lightning?'

'I don't know, I didn't really think about it,' Gaddes said sheepishly. 'It gave me a hell of a fright.'

'Were you trying to protect me, or did you want me to protect you?' Allen asked, with his head on one side.

'I haven't got a clue,' said Gaddes. 'Are you all right, though?'

'Right as rain,' said Allen, with a soft chuckle. 'Covered in mud, though, thanks to you. Let's go inside and get out of these soaked clothes before we _do_ get struck by lightning. You'd get hit first. You're taller than me.' He stepped back easily and set off up the path again.

 _Damn it, damn it, damn it,_ Gaddes thought, squelching along behind him. _Should have kissed him. Should have said to hell with it and kissed him hard. Cue thunder and lightning. Dramatic, romantic, you name it. It's like the world is teasing me, setting me up again and again so that I could but I know I can't. Ridiculous anyway. Anyone on the battlements could see us. I've got an excuse for grabbing him, however stupid, but kissing him… either we'd never hear the end of it, or that would be the end of everything._

In his own room, shivering, he stripped off his soaked clothes and put on dry things, although this meant wearing his only other pair of pants in the world, which fitted well enough but had an enormous badly-mended rip in the seat that made them embarrassing to be seen in. He rather anxiously unfolded the letter he still carried over his heart. It was wet and crinkly, but being written in pencil still legible. He spread the pages out carefully on top of the footlocker. Hopefully they would dry there. He wasn't sure why it was so important to him to preserve a letter he never intended to give to anyone, but it would have upset him to lose it. Even with dry clothes on he felt chilly and miserable, so he gathered the wet things into a bundle and went downstairs to hang them in front of the fireplace to dry.

He was sitting gloomily before the hearth, watching the fire eat up the logs and the steam rising from his tunic, and feeling deeply unimpressed with himself, when someone sat down beside him. He knew it was Allen without looking, without him speaking; there was simply a different feeling about Allen for him, an energy surrounding his body.

'What a day,' said Allen, with an oddly contented sigh. 'Or what a night. It's like night out there and it's only half past four. If there are any bandits out in _that_ good luck to them. I don't stir from this spot until I'm warm as toast and the weather starts behaving itself.' He gave Gaddes a little smile. He was dressed very differently now. Gaddes had never seen him in anything but his blue and white uniform, but he had changed it for a soft white shirt, without the stiffly puffed sleeves of a regulation one, and old black moleskin trousers. He noticed Gaddes looking curiously at his clothes and said with a slight air of embarrassment,

'I'd just sent my spare suit to the wash, so this was all I had to put on.'

'Makes a change,' said Gaddes. That sounded ridiculously ungracious to him as soon as he had said it, but what was he supposed to say? _You look wonderful in anything? Better still in nothing?_ He was having problems maintaining decorum as it was. There was something about seeing Allen with his hair wet, sleeked back from his face, and with his cheeks softly glowing in the firelight. He looked as though he had come straight from the bath. Gaddes had lost his virginity in a bath, as it happened, the large white-enamelled tub in what was meant to be the captain's private bathroom in the old country house. The captain had gone in to Pallas for the day for some appointment and Nichol had never had any qualms whatever about taking opportunities like that. As he saw it, the world set these things up for him: there was the bath, the only one in the house with water heated by a working geyser, exactly the sort of luxury he liked to appropriate to himself; here was his new boyfriend, confused and eager and unable to think of saying no, and things like getting caught simply weren't in the equation. If Nichol had been in Gaddes' place, and had decided he wanted Allen, he wouldn't have delayed five minutes. He would laugh till he cried at Gaddes' painful dithering.

 _Well, I guess that just shows that I'm a slightly better person than he was. Wherever he is now. I wonder what brought him round this way? No, I don't care. I just hope he's gone for good and I don't have to run into him again._

 _A hot bath would actually be about the nicest thing I could have right now, bar a hot bath with Allen._ There was no such thing to be had in the fort; it had always puzzled him a little how Allen managed to keep himself looking so immaculate when he must have to wash with a basin and pitcher like everyone else. He never gave the impression of being vain or dandified, just of having high professional standards of appearance. He had even been down to the laundry room to personally explain to the surly, perspiring little man whose domain it was exactly how he required his shirts to be boiled, starched and pressed. And because it was Allen, it had actually turned out that way. Anyone else would have found his shirts accidentally on purpose dyed pink and exactly half his socks lost without trace.

'Guess what,' said Allen, apropos of nothing. Nothing had been said for some minutes.

'I give up,' said Gaddes.

'Go on, guess what today is.'

Gaddes shrugged. He really was not fond of guessing games; they always made him feel slow-witted. 'Autumnal Equinox?'

'It's my birthday,' said Allen, and beamed at him. 'Third Moon of Blue. I wasn't going to say anything, but then I thought why not? I haven't actually celebrated a birthday in years, but why not feel quietly glad that I've gone another whole year without dying, and share it with a friend?'

'Your _birthday?_ So you're not "almost seventeen" any more?'

'That's right,' said Allen, his smile broadening. 'Now I'm almost eighteen.'

Gaddes looked round at the room. A few men must be skulking in the outbuildings, but most people were in the mess hall, driven in by the rain and the cold, quietly absorbed for the moment in card games, telling lies and in one corner an attempt on the world record for domino-toppling. He got up and made a trumpet of his hands.

'Your attention, please! It is the Boss' birthday! I repeat, the Boss' birthday.'

'Shush!' said Allen. 'I didn't mean you to tell _everyone_.' He had to raise his voice on the last word because a rowdy cheer was going up.

'You didn't give me time to get you a present,' Gaddes said unrepentantly, 'so the least I can give you is a party.'

To a certain extent it was 'any excuse,' but there was genuine goodwill towards Allen in the hastily arranged festivities. Predictably, a good deal of drinking was involved. Allen would not normally have participated but in this weather there was no question of retiring to the roof, and his judgement was very slightly affected since, at the outset, someone pointed out that after getting soaked in the rain a hot toddy would probably do him some good. Allen had been under the impression that a hot toddy, like mulled wine, wasn't actually alcoholic. What he drank had sufficient rum in it to put rather more colour in his cheeks than usual. He agreed to join in a game in which shots were drunk as forfeits, and played extremely badly. He stood on a bench and announced that they were all the best friends and comrades a man could hope to have and he loved each and every one of them. Then he fell off.

'Come on, get up,' Gaddes said, laughing and trying to lever him off the floor. He had partaken as much as anyone else and was beginning to see the world in a rather rosy light.

'You see,' said Allen, enunciating very carefully, 'you did not succeed in inebriating me when first I arrived, for I was - I was… something. Something fast. Stead! I was fast stead in my resolution… no, I don't think that's right. Don’t tug at me, I can get up.' He got up quite smoothly and managed to seat himself without further incident.

'I _do_ have a present for you,' Gaddes said, sitting down beside him. 'Bought it off Kio just now. He carves things in his spare time. Have a look at that.' He handed over something knobbly wrapped up in a napkin.

'It's a lizard,' said Allen, looking at the little wooden reptile he unwrapped.

'It is not,' said Gaddes, 'it's an allengator. I got him to put a toothpick in its eye special.'

'Allengator!' repeated Allen delightedly. He was tipsy enough to find the small play on words intensely amusing. As the evening wore on he became increasingly easily amused, to the point where, around ten o'clock, he was in a chair in the corner, laughing silently at no-one could see what.

'He's a very happy drunk,' said Reeden.

Allen tried to say something and was unable to do so. This also amused him.

'I think he's had enough,' said Gaddes, feeling somewhat responsible again. He had enjoyed himself thoroughly but he had a feeling Allen might not thank him for letting things get any further. It would just be unkind to allow him to drink until he was sick, and it would not be good sergeanting, he supposed, to let him make too much of a fool of himself in front of the men. Counting it up, he had not actually had _that_ much, but it had a strong effect on him because he was new to it.

'Well, you can put him to bed. We're still just warming up.' This was true. In the absence of the birthday boy the party could happily proceed all night.

'Come on, Boss,' Gaddes said, hauling Allen to his feet, 'you can tell me the joke on the way upstairs.'

'You're my bestest friend,' Allen said, very earnestly. Then he looked at Gaddes and started laughing again.

'Thank you. You're very strange. Come on, just - hey, don't lean on _me_ , I'm drunk too.'

'Good night, everyone!' Allen called out. He got a chorus of goodnights in reply, which seemed to please him.

'Come on, come on,' said Gaddes, steering him towards the stairs. 'Move your ass. Sir.'

'Which way sh'd I move it?' Allen stumbled and fell against him, and they made their way up the staircase leaning against each other arm-in-arm, zig-zagging from the banisters to the wall.

'My veryest best friend,' Allen said, quite loudly. 'I love you, Gaddes.'

'Sshh, you're shouting.'

'But I love you!'

'Sshh!'

'Don't you love me? Gaddes doesn't love me!'

'Of course I love you, now shut up, you're being weird.'

'Just s'long as you do,' Allen said decisively. 'You're very _very_ nice.' They were in the corridor outside their rooms now, where at least it seemed less likely the others would overhear them. Allen probably wouldn't make it across his room alone. Gaddes, with some difficulty, as Allen seemed quite uninterested in the whole business and was getting in his way a lot, managed to open the door and guide him in, kicking the door shut behind them. They stumbled across the floor to the bed, where Gaddes tugged back the covers, tried to help Allen lie down and ended up falling on the bed himself.

'Ow,' he said vaguely, trying to crawl off the bed and butting into the wall on the other side. He was much drunker than he had realised; as he fell back on the mattress the ceiling of the room seemed to tip and spin above him. It was rather interesting. Allen was making a fuss about something; belatedly he realised he was lying on the poor boy's hair and pulling it. He rolled to the side a little to let him get comfortable.

'That's better,' said Allen. 'You've fallen over.'

'I'm very very tired,' said Gaddes. 'Very very tired from saving you from lightning and allengators.' He gave Allen a sort of friendly pat on the shoulder. It seemed like a nice safe gesture.

'You can stay here to sleep,' Allen said, throwing one arm over him in an outburst of affection. 'I love you _so_ much.' Without warning, unless you counted the previous utterance, he planted a heavy, clumsy kiss on Gaddes' upper lip.

Gaddes was far from sober but that certainly made him fully alert. Reflexively, his arms closed around Allen, although he couldn't yet quite co-ordinate a response to the kiss. Before he could get that together, Allen had pulled away and dropped his head on his shoulder with a sigh. Gaddes lay there for a moment feeling stunned and overjoyed. He would rather Allen had wanted to do this when he was sober, of course, but he was damned if he'd complain. He was about to kiss Allen in return when he realised from his breathing and limp, relaxed stillness that he had fallen deeply asleep almost instantly after kissing him.

'Ohhhhhhh…' A tortured moan of sheer disappointment rose up in him. If he was smashed enough to drop off like that you couldn't base anything on what he said or did right beforehand. And you could tell he would be impossible to wake. And he was lying on top of Gaddes' arm. And he himself was both too giddy and too sleepy to move. His own room and hammock seemed a hundred miles away.

 _I don't care, I just don't care. I will stay, then. Sleep in a proper bed for once. They told me to put him to bed after all._ He tugged up the quilt to cover them and fell asleep pretty quickly himself, despite the continued noise of merrymaking from downstairs.

He woke from a muddled and anxious dream sometime in the early hours of the morning. The fort was finally quiet. At first it was very hard to remember why he was where he was, but after a few minutes' painstaking thought it came back to him. He hated waking up still drunk, probably more than waking up with a hangover. Allen was curled up close to him, one leg laid over his, all warmth and weight and sweetness and hundred-proof breath. Gaddes was not particularly surprised to have woken with an erection. What caught his attention was the fact that Allen seemed to have one too, or more accurately to be just getting one. He could feel the swelling and stiffening against his hip, very definitely, none of the uncertainty of that other occasion of blessed memory.

 _You're dreaming something with grapes in it_ , he thought vaguely. The problem with waking up drunk was that you couldn't think sensibly about anything. Here he was enjoying this. A little, sensible, but above all outvoted part of his mind kept pointing out that this was a terrible situation to be in, he couldn't possibly do anything about it and it was going to be pretty painful resisting. The rest of him told it to shut up and stop being a killjoy.

Allen sighed in his sleep and pressed closer to him.

 _My God. No, no, I can't. I can't try and do stuff to him when he's sleeping, it's just creepy. Oh, God, he's rubbing it against me. He Is Rubbing It Against Me. His stiff, warm cock, rubbing up and down my thigh, just clothes between us, clothes come off you know. No. I can't. Oh God, this is too much. I can't let myself go here, I can't, leaving my mess in his bed…_

A thought occurred to him. Assuring his conscience that he wasn't doing this just for the fun of it, he slipped his free, unpinioned hand into Allen's trouser pocket. It was nearly too much for him to get his fingers so close to the heat and hardness straining and stretching the fabric. He thought he touched the side of it at one point, as he reached down into the warm curve of his groin, but here it was, naturally Allen had a handkerchief.

 _I'll just borrow this, sweetheart, you'll never miss it. I've never seen anyone sleep so sound._ One-handed, he fumbled open his flies and released himself, keeping the handkerchief ready, trying to be practical even while giving in to the urgent, mindless heat he felt. Allen gave a soft moan and moved his hips a little faster; Gaddes pressed his face into the soft mass of his long hair, deeply breathing in the scent of him while he worked to bring himself. Even the small sensible part of him had shut down now and he only knew how wonderful this felt. Even knowing that Allen was not conscious of his presence, it was ecstasy to feel that contact with his, Gaddes', body was what was giving him the pleasure he kept voicing in little sighs.

 _This is so good… too good… my love, my one…_ It was such a relief to go mindless, to give up and devote himself to releasing all the tension of his body in a series of escalating shudders of delight, the sweet itch of it growing sharper, golden light deepening to red. Inside him was a feeling of a thick cable being drawn ever tighter, tighter and tenser and hotter until it abruptly broke and lashed through him, releasing pressure and pleasure together with an electric thunderbolt jolt.

In the same moment he felt Allen push against him, trembling, the muscle of his overlaying thigh taut and warm, and heard him catch his breath, a sharp little gasp that snapped like an echo of the release Gaddes felt. Then he subsided, breathing heavily, lapsing back into deep sleep, his flushed face looking utterly innocent and untroubled in the shadows.

 _How do you like that… together… we couldn't have hit it better if we'd tried. Dumb luck is a wonderful thing._ He brushed his lips against Allen's hairline, making himself keep awake long enough to tuck himself in, button his pants and crumple the handkerchief, soft around sticky warmth, into his pocket. A deep, peaceful heaviness was settling in all his limbs. _I'll sleep as well as you now. And no harm done. Good night, love. Thank you. Thank you…for what it was (and I won't kid myself it wasn't just a surreptitious wank) that couldn't have been better._

He woke once before dawn, really only half waking, aware with a blind, nuzzling kind of sense that Allen wasn't beside him. But perhaps that was only a dream, because a moment later he found his warm mass again, rolling back against him with a sigh, and he curled his arms round the boy's body and returned to comfortable insensibility.


	7. Chapter 7

As the first pale infiltration of morning light seeped into the room, Gaddes awoke sober and mildly repentant. His mouth was sour and dry, and his eyes felt dusty, but he felt far better rested than he normally would with a hangover. It took him a moment to pull his scattered mind together sufficiently to understand where he was; until then he blinked stupidly at Allen's face on the pillow beside him. Even when everything was clear in his head, he could only feel half-heartedly guilty; he was much too contented to reproach himself seriously.

 _After all, he's fine. He looks so sweet and peaceful sleeping there. Such a soft boyish mouth. Nearly eighteen indeed. I love being the one who knows the cute little things you say like that._

He was alert enough to widen his focus a little now, and found that the bedclothes were not as he had remembered, pushed towards the wall so that he was half uncovered and Allen was entirely so, as though one or other of them had kicked off the quilt in their sleep. Gaddes' gaze travelled gently down the line of his bedfellow's body, and his eyes widened a little in drowsy confusion.

 _I didn't do that, did I? I would remember, surely. How did his pants get pulled down like that? God, I didn't, did I? Oh no… I was feeling so good about how I hadn't done anything to mess him up… no, no, come on, I_ would _remember something that major, and no matter how drunk he was he wouldn't sleep through it. Oh God._

Allen's trousers and underwear were crumpled down below his knees, leaving his thighs bare to the point where his shirt-tails hung down; as he lay halfway on his side his smooth fair hip was bare, but the front of the shirt seemed to be making an attempt at decent modesty which was precariously threatened as he shifted slightly in his sleep. Gaddes froze, terrified to wake him, unable to stop staring.

 _He's almost showing me everything. All I want, all I want in the world, is to slide my hand up his warm thigh, over his apricot hip, soft white shirt just slipping away, and kiss my way down the tender fold of his groin to - stop it at once. I can't, not now, it's close to broad daylight and I'm sober as a judge. I've got to try and get my arm out from under him, he can't wake up with me hugging him. What the hell happened to his pants anyway? You'd think the cold would wake him._

After a few moments' careful thought, he started the manoeuvre, drawing up the covers with his free hand at the same time as rolling Allen slowly away from him and stealthily drawing his arm out from under his body. It took about five minutes because he was so afraid of waking him by moving too quickly, but finally his arm was free, Allen was covered and lying on his side with his back to Gaddes, and he was able to catch his breath.

 _Right. Can you try and get out of a tizz now, please Sam? Everything's fine. You don't look suspicious at all._ As insurance, he turned his back to Allen and tried to relax. _I wonder when he's going to wake up. Maybe I should try and slip out before he does. Except I'm over against the wall; I can't get out without either climbing over him, or crawling over the end of the bed, and either of those is probably going to disturb him. Gee, I think I'll just stay_ here _for the night,_ brilliant _decision, fuckwit._

This train of thought was abruptly cut off as Allen stirred and rolled onto his back again, mumbling 'What _time_ is it?'

'I don't know,' said Gaddes, gingerly half-turning over. Apparently Allen hadn't been expecting an answer to his question; his head whipped round and he stared as Gaddes in mild shock.

'I think it's early morning, though,' Gaddes went on, trying to sound normal. 'Doesn't sound like anyone's up, although they'd probably be hard to get out of bed anyway. Hangover bad?'

'Just… very tired, and my head feels tender,' Allen said, raising a hand to touch his forehead and brush away a strand of hair caught across his face. 'I'm afraid I made a beast of myself. I can't remember the last part of last night very well at all. You helped me back to my room, didn't you?'

'Yeah. You said I could stay here. I wasn't very steady on my feet either. We both just flaked out. Everyone's going to laugh at us, we didn't even last till midnight.'

'I feel poxy,' said Allen, sitting up and rubbing his hands over his face. 'I don't think I'll do that again. Ugh…' He paused with his chin in his hands. 'Gaddes, did I say, or do something stupid or embarrassing before I went to sleep? I've got a feeling as though I did.'

'No,' said Gaddes promptly. 'Not that I remember.'

'It's a very odd feeling to be ashamed of yourself but not to be sure why,' said Allen. 'I need to wash my face, I'm really not awake yet. And the light is hurting my eyes.' He pushed off the covers, swung his legs over the side of the bed, stood up, and fell full length at his first step, with a thud.

Gaddes shut his eyes for a moment. 'Are you all right?' he asked. It wouldn't be polite to look. He could hear Allen from the floor, starting to laugh, so presumably there was no serious damage.

'My trousers are all caught round my ankles like a web,' he managed to say. 'I've tripped myself up. That really does set the tin lid on the whole thing. I think I've sunk as low as I possibly can.'

'You don't have much experience of this sinking low thing, do you?' asked Gaddes, amused. He was beginning to feel less tense, and even to enjoy himself slightly. What he had really been afraid of was that Allen would be distressed and repulsed to realise that they had shared a bed; that he would have to see him recoil, and probably go through the whole post-alligator distancing thing again before they could approach a return to normal friendliness. Instead he seemed perfectly relaxed about it, and the whole thing was starting to feel rather cosy and intimate. Just to make sure he could trust himself, Gaddes kept his eyes on the ceiling, taking a census of cracks and funny dark marks on the plaster made by old leaks.

'I'm _so_ glad only you have seen me like this,' he could hear Allen's voice saying cheerfully; it sounded as though he was trying to deal with his obstructive clothing before attempting to rise from the floor. 'I'm lucky you _did_ look after me. At least I didn't wake up, oh, I don't know, head down in the lavatory. If I must behave like a silly ass, at least I have you to protect me from carrying it too far.'

Gaddes felt something land on the bed beside him and looked over, startled at the soft impact. Allen had taken off his crumpled pants entirely and thrown them there; he was going to the washstand in just his shirt, padding softly over the rough floor with bare feet.

 _I really shouldn't have let you get to trust me this much!_

'Although I'm sorry you have to see me like this,' Allen said, pouring cold water into the basin, 'because I'm such a mess. I do want you to know I was brought up to know better. I'm just letting my standards slip very badly on this one occasion.'

'You look fine to me,' Gaddes said, and bit his tongue. 'I mean - well, I wouldn't expect you to look any better under the circumstances.'

'A mess,' Allen said, looking at himself in the small mirror over the washstand, as he raised his face dripping from the basin. 'What was that colourful expression I heard someone use the other day? Eyes like pissholes in the snow.'

'Not true,' said Gaddes wearily, rearranging the pillow under his head. If he was going to stay for a while he wanted to be comfortable. 'You shouldn't worry so much about how you look.'

Allen was quiet for a moment. 'I know I'm too vain,' he said. 'I'm sorry.'

'I don't mean that,' Gaddes protested, lifting his head to look at him properly. 'Heck, you've got something to be vain _about_. I just meant you shouldn't get upset about it, because you never look that bad anyway. If _I_ looked like you would you hear me complaining? Hell no. And why do you mind if I see you looking messy anyway? I'm your friend.'

'Well, that's why,' said Allen in a rather small voice, muffled as he was drying his face. 'I want you to think well of me, not to think I'm a shambles.'

'How you look is not why I think well of you. All right? So really, stop worrying about it. You're not going to lose my respect over one night like this.'

'That's an awful relief to hear,' said Allen, smiling at Gaddes over his shoulder. He glanced over to the window, one shutter half open. 'Do you think we'll have a nice day today? It might have rained itself out yesterday.' He stretched with his arms over his head, which caused his shirt to ride up a little behind. Gaddes caught his breath and then let it out with something between relief and disappointment as he realised it was going no higher.

 _A pox on whoever decided shirt-tails should be so long. I thought I was going to get a peepshow. Oh, stop perving at him, he's only_ like _this because he feels safe with you. Just try not to stare at his ass so much, all right? His bare ass like a ripe peach, just hiding from me behind one layer of linen. Stop it. You can't get carried away just because of last night. As far as he knows nothing is different. Control yourself. Just store it away and put it in a daydream._

Allen came back to the bed and climbed in, pulling the covers up to his chin. Gaddes pressed his back against the wall, trying not to crowd him. It was uncomfortable, with the edge of the bed under him, but he couldn't see what else to do.

'It's too cold to get up,' Allen said, rather defiantly, as though he thought he was misbehaving and Gaddes would scold him. 'And I don't feel well, so I'm just going to lie here and keep warm for a while.'

'I think you're very sensible,' said Gaddes. 'Do you want me to push off to my own room now?'

'No, you can stay if you feel like it. It would be pretty rude of me to throw you out.' Allen rolled onto his side, looking at Gaddes. 'Are you comfortable? Do you want to leave?'

'No, I'm fine where I am.'

'Good,' said Allen, smiling a little. 'I don't expect we'll make a habit of this but it's quite nice once in a while.' Abruptly his face clouded.

'What's wrong?'

'Oh no,' Allen moaned, hiding his face in his hands. 'No, no, no, _no_.'

'Allen? I mean Boss, are you all right?'

'Oh, I've just remembered what I _did_ last night!'

'You - you have? Well, it's… it's nothing to be ashamed of…'

'You don't even know what it _was_.'

'Of course I do, I was there.'

'You were _asleep_.'

'I was?'

' _This_ is why my pants were down when I woke up. This is just awful, I'm so embarrassed.' Allen smacked his hand down on the pillow.

'What are you supposed to have done now?'

'I don't want to tell you.'

'You can't make that much of a fuss and then not tell me.'

'You won't say anything to anyone else, will you?'

'You know I never do.'

'All right,' said Allen, although he still looked upset. 'In the middle of the night some time, I woke up needing to go to the lavatory. And I was sleepy and perhaps still tipsy, and I couldn't be bothered to go downstairs. I went over and opened the window.'

Gaddes looked at him, waiting. 'And?'

'Well, I did it out of the window!'

'You just mean you peed, right?'

'What else could I mean? Isn't that bad enough? Like a common drunkard.'

'Have I ever told you that you're about a million times too hard on yourself?'

'My mother would be so ashamed of me.'

'I don't know, mothers are usually pretty understanding about that type of thing.'

'You don't understand. I always try to check myself from doing anything wrong by asking myself "Would I be ashamed for Mother to know about this?" Or for some things, "Would Balgus think this was good enough?" I didn't even _think_ of thinking that, I just stumbled over and disgraced myself and stumbled back into bed. I've let them down.'

'I promise you it doesn't matter that much. Anyway, the mystery of your pants is solved, and no-one saw you do it, so just forget about it. God, with the fuss you were making I couldn't imagine _what_ you might have done.'

Allen did not look at all convinced; he looked as though he were settling in for a thorough session of self-reproach.

'Hey,' said Gaddes, trying to bring him out of it, 'better than if you'd wet the bed, right?'

'Oh, my _Lord_ ,' said Allen, looking aghast, and pulled the covers over his head.

'Come out of that,' said Gaddes, trying not to laugh at him. 'You're being ridiculous.' _And adorable. This is no good. Next thing I'll want to tickle him._

'No,' said Allen, muffled.

'You'll smother.'

'I have an air-hole.' One hand emerged from under the covers and waved at him briefly. 'If you don't mind, I'll stay here until the world ends or I stop being embarrassed, whichever comes first.'

'You know you're not going to do that.'

'Of course I'm not,' said Allen quite comfortably, reappearing with his hair tousled and his cheeks a little pink. 'Can't you tell when I'm joking?'

'You don't joke that much.'

'Just with you. See? I am pulling myself together. I tend to trust your judgement, and if you say it's only a minor lapse I suppose I can believe it.' He smiled. 'And now, if I'm not really to despise myself, I'd better get up and start the day. You too.'

'What happened to our lie-in?'

'I was joking about that too.'

'That's evil,' Gaddes complained.

'Come on. It would be a shame to spend the first full day of a new year of my life lying around in bed. It would get so boring.' He gave Gaddes a playful shove and got out of bed again.

 _For someone who's really quite bright, you don't think of the most obvious things._

'The wonder is,' Allen said cheerily as he returned to the washstand and started brushing his hair, 'how I didn't fall over on my way _back_ from the window.' He paused with the brush in his hand. 'Wait a minute, now. When I first said I'd done something awful, you said you knew about it, you were there. What _else_ did I do that was awful?'

'Oh, nothing,' said Gaddes, heaving himself out of bed. 'I was just teasing you.'

'You sounded serious,' Allen persisted. 'If I've done something foolish I insist on knowing, so I can berate myself suitably.'

'And that's why I won't tell you,' said Gaddes, in the doorway. 'It wasn't terrible, anyway, just the sort of thing you would think was shameful and I would say was nothing to worry about. So let it go, hmm?' He stepped out and closed the door firmly behind him, although firm was not the word for how he was feeling. He thought that as soon as he stopped trying so hard to keep his body under sensible control he would be shaking like a leaf.

 _It's getting too much for me again. It's not fair. All right, last night was fantastic, I wouldn’t swap it for anything, but he's got_ no _idea how he's teasing me and it keeps getting worse. He's probably got the right idea. Get up and get on with it as if this were a normal day. I can't keep thinking about this. Be practical. I'd better go and see if my other clothes are dry or if someone pushed them into the fire last night._

Predictably, the mess was exactly what it sounded like.

 

As though they realised Gaddes would rather welcome a diversion, the Fates decreed that the next little while should be hectically busy. The rain continued heavy, and the river rose to such an extent that some people in the swamp and Lamor districts had to evacuate their homes. The fort offered temporary lodging to those who could arrange nothing else, and the place was full to capacity with families and their damp possessions. A few disreputable-looking men who were almost certainly bandits down on their luck, but looked so wet and miserable that no-one had the heart to press the question, also slunk in from the woods and made themselves at home in nooks and crannies.

The weather was too bad to go out much, and the atmosphere inside the fort was so thick with the sheer mass of people living together that it was almost unbearable. Gaddes spent whatever time he could in out-of-the-way places where there was some chance of solitude. The best place he had found to skulk so far was the hangar cave, which was out of bounds except to fort personnel. The evening meetings with Allen simply went by the board; there were no sunsets to watch, and even when it was dry enough to sit on the roof it would be covered with people's bedding laid out to air and dry. They spoke to each other and as when it became necessary, usually quite briefly.

Gaddes was treading carefully around Allen in any case, as the unusual stresses of the situation were clearly making him feel a little tense. He took to spending a lot of time working with Scherazade, taking the machine out into the swamp, stalking through the raw drenching rain protected by its metal carapace. He said it was because he hadn't spent much time in it since arriving at the fort, and he was afraid he was getting out of practice, but Gaddes felt fairly sure it was his own way of seeking a little solitude, a little respite from the constant noise and movement of other people.

When the two of them were together, they were as friendly as ever, but somehow did not stay together long. Even the company of a dear friend could feel oppressive under these circumstances. Gaddes felt a little envious of the fact that Allen still had his room to himself; he was sharing with an old man who constantly chewed tobacco and spat as regularly as clockwork. He was _almost_ sure that if he asked, Allen would let him move into his room for the time being, but there was enough uncertainty to make him hold the request back. Besides, sharing a room with Allen would be a constant source of maddening titillation, and if there was one thing to be said for an elderly, nicotine-stained, nocturnally-flatulent roommate, it was that his noisome presence helped keep lustful thoughts at bay.

The New Year came in, and no-one felt like making much of a fuss about it. It didn't feel as though a new year would really begin unless the rain stopped properly, the water level subsided to something liveable, and the populace was out from underfoot again.

'Just think,' Gaddes grumbled one afternoon, when he happened to be in the guymelef hangar when Allen brought Scherazade home, streaming cold water from its blue cape. 'We never see hide nor hair of most of these buggers when the weather's fine. You can walk miles from here and not see a soul. A few weeks of heavy rain, and I had no idea there were so many people living in this swamp!' He was sitting on top of a piece of peculiar armour whose exact history no-one knew. It looked as though it was designed to be worn by a battle elephant, and how it came to be dumped in a swamp fort's armoury was an abiding mystery.

'Well, it's a good thing that we can be here to offer them help,' Allen said, as though he were reminding himself. 'We have a role to play in this community, as protectors, and it's our duty to fulfil it without repining.' He had opened the cockpit, but looked reluctant to climb out. 'And it's really not that many people. It just feels like so many because of the confined space, and because there's no option but to be with them most of the time. I think I'm going to lose my room soon.'

'Really? Why?'

'Mrs Gherr will probably have her confinement soon, so I should give up my room to her for that so the poor woman has a comfortable bed and some privacy. I suppose I ought to have done so earlier. You do understand, though, I needed a room apart for planning and strategy, somewhere that I could think without being disturbed… right, Gaddes? It wasn't just me being selfish.' He eased himself out of the kneeling guymelef and climbed to the ground.

'No, I understand,' said Gaddes. 'And it's not like you're getting to keep the luxury.'

'Would there be space for me in your room?' Allen asked. He put one hand to the flank of the elephant-armour, but made no attempt to climb up and join Gaddes. It was understood that if someone had a bit of space to himself, you didn't rush to push into it.

'Well, maybe, if you don't mind sleeping under my hammock. Or, no, you can have the hammock, I'll take the floor under you.'

'Bother it,' said Allen, 'I'll just sleep on board _Crusade_. It's damned inconvenient, but at least it might be quiet.'

'You are _really_ fed up, aren't you, Boss?'

'It's not important how I feel,' Allen said, summoning a cheerful tone. 'You know I wouldn't grumble to anyone but you. And it can't possibly go on much longer, can it?'

'God knows,' said Gaddes, gloomily. Outside, there was a deep rumble of thunder, and the constant background whisper of rain on the roof deepened to an insistent soft roar.

'There are times,' said Allen, 'when I want to pack the whole thing in and run away on my own again. Sleep under the stars and go whole days without seeing a soul. Except I know how wretched and uncomfortable and lonely that really is. Perhaps you could come with me. What do you think, shall we be desperate robbers together?'

'You paint a romantic picture, but I don't think we've got any choice but to stay here and try to behave ourselves.'

'Oh come now, Gaddes,' Allen said, mock-reproachfully. 'I wanted you to talk me into doing something wicked, and here you are being sensible. You disappoint me so.' Restlessly, he turned away and paced around in a broad circle. 'And I might have more privacy in the ship,' he said, abruptly recurring to his earlier thread. 'Do you know what happened last night? You wouldn't have heard, you were out on watch. I was in my room, minding my own business, trying to work out how to make this quarter's money stretch to feed all the people we have here. And when I got into the military, let me say, I didn't expect to learn housekeeping. We've simply got to get a quartermaster. I'll appoint someone. It shouldn't be my job. I was sitting at my desk, anyway. And there came a tap at the door. I said "come in," and a young woman entered - I can't remember her name, the short dark one with a little mole on her cheekbone like this.' He pointed on his own face.

'Gia someone,' said Gaddes. 'Or somebody Gia.'

'Anyway,' Allen went on, 'she said hello, and asked if she might stay there for a while because she was so tired of her sister's children climbing all over her. I thought it was a bit forward of her, and I rather resented the intrusion, but I sympathised and said she was welcome. She wandered about the room, picking up things and putting them down in different places, which I found very trying, and humming a tune which kept distracting me from my work. Eventually I had had enough, and when she had worked her way around beside me, I turned my chair towards her and asked whether I could do anything for her. Rather tersely, you know, to imply that I was busy and would like to be done with her. Do you know what happened? She said "You know you can" and plumped herself down on my knee and kissed me!'

'The hussy,' said Gaddes distantly. He was trying to suppress quite a violent surge of jealousy. _Hussy_ didn’t come close to the names he wanted to call the girl. How _dare_ she walk in there and try to help herself when he was having to be so careful. But the violence was ameliorated by a quiet, soothing faith that she wouldn't have gotten anywhere with Allen with that kind of approach. His indignant tone had told the end of the story as soon as he'd begun speaking. _I don't have to worry about losing him to_ her _._ 'So what did _you_ do?'

'I almost didn't know _what_ to do,' Allen said. 'It sounds funny now, I suppose, but at the time I was simply shocked. Well, I lifted her _off_ my knee quite sharply, and said "Forgive me, madam, but I must ask you to leave immediately." I saw her to the door - protesting at first and then getting angry and calling me some names I would rather not have heard from the lips of a woman - put her out, shut it behind her and locked it. What a disgraceful way to behave. We're barely acquainted, and I'd given her absolutely no reason to believe I should welcome such overtures. At first I thought I should tell her parents, but that would only lead to more ill-feeling. And,' he added, pointing at Gaddes as though to overrule an objection, which he had not even thought of making, 'please don't tell me I'm hypocritical because of what happened with Marlene. That was an entirely different situation with an entirely different sort of girl.' After defending himself he suddenly looked irresolute. 'Do you think I did the right thing?'

'Absolutely,' said Gaddes firmly. 'You don't want to get your name mixed up with a bold little minx like that.'

'Do you think she'll tell people?'

'I shouldn't think so. If she's got any sense she'd be embarrassed to.'

'But you know,' said Allen, pacing away again and launching himself onto a different tangent of worry, 'this highlights a serious problem we have at the moment. I am sure there are relations between some of the men and the women who are staying here. It's so problematic having women in camp. Of course we must always be ready to assist the ladies, but what if they won't _behave_ like ladies? And I know I can't expect our men to be perfect gentlemen, but they might at least see how harmful such liaisons can be in the present circumstances. I _know_ Oruto is courting Mrs Dell, for want of a better word for what he's doing, and it's only a matter of time before Mr Dell sees it, and what will happen _then?_ ' He paused and looked up at Gaddes with bemusement. 'What does she see in him?'

'There's no accounting for taste,' said Gaddes, non-committally.

'I have nothing against the man, but… ugh,' said Allen, with a fastidious little shake of his shoulders.

'No-one expects _you_ to fancy him, Boss.'

'To return to my point,' Allen said, letting that drop, 'it's no good for discipline, and it's no good for how we appear in the eyes of the local people. Why can't people just control themselves a little? They're thrown together and so they simply begin to behave like animals! This is _just_ the sort of thing we've talked about.'

'If it makes you feel better, I'm not getting any.'

'Well, I know I can depend on _you_.' Allen gave him a brief, tight smile. 'You know how I feel about this kind of thing. Gaddes?'

'Yes?'

'It… might not be my place to say anything, or perhaps you'll feel I'm just worrying needlessly again, but it seems to me you're very unhappy lately. I hate to see that. I know there's nothing I can do about the present overall situation, we all just have to wait for it to change, but is there anything else I could do that would make things easier or more pleasant for you? I'm asking as your friend, not as your commander.'

'There's really nothing, Boss. It's just how things are at the moment, like you said.' _I hate it when life gets ironic. Still, this is part of why I love him. He thinks of stuff like this._

'Would you like to sleep with me?'

'Um - _what?'_

'You could move down to sleep on _Crusade_ as well. There's more than one cabin. Although really, one of us should be easy to find at all times, so we could take it in turns sleeping there. Wouldn't you like that? It could be awfully cold in the cave, I suppose, but it would certainly be quiet and peaceful. The sound of the waterfall is indistinguishable from the rain.'

 _Well… I knew you couldn't mean that how it sounded. Only you would use a phrase like 'sleep with me' that way. I'm starting to wonder if someone up there just enjoys tormenting me._

'Um… yeah, that sounds quite good. But doesn't it mean you'd have to sleep in my room every other night?'

'Your room isn't as bad as all that.'

'It's got Merve in it.'

'Merve isn't as bad as all that.'

'It's got vampire bats in it,' Gaddes said, grinning and flicking his eyebrows.

'Vampire bats aren't as bad as all that,' said Allen, beginning to laugh. 'You idiot, what are you going on about?'

'I don't know. Trying to make you laugh.' He felt that he was smiling foolishly. 'It's got to get better soon, hasn't it?'

'I really miss talking with you like this,' said Allen. 'That's the one thing I most want to get back. I hope we _will_ get it back.' He stood there a moment longer, looking rather self-conscious, before beginning to turn away. 'I'd better be going. I have to make my report for this month.'

'I could write it for you,' said Gaddes. 'Five words. "It rained. We stayed in."'

'Two more words,' said Allen. "'We're bored."'

'Roll on Spring.'


	8. Chapter 8

Spring came in with a roar, and slammed the door behind it. At first it seemed that the rainstorms were being replaced by windstorms, and the winter was only going to stretch on long after the usual beginning of the greening period. Then it became clear; the wind was blasting away the rainclouds, gusting in a fresh new air that smelled of the coastal farmlands and wetlands, already blooming. The wind was powerful; on one occasion Gaddes saw Natal flying by backwards, and looking very embarrassed about it.

At last the floodwaters receded, and with deep relief on both sides, the local people said goodbye to the men of the fort and set to the damp and squelchy task of reclaiming their homes and properties. The probable bandits, too, slunk away; it was probably too much to expect that gratitude would move them to give up robbery, but they might at least push off and do it elsewhere.

On the first evening everyone was really gone, Gaddes made his way to the rooftop. He had no idea if Allen would have gone there too, but it felt important to go and reclaim their own place. The wind was howling and whistling around every corner, blasting over the rooftop, and it hit him hard in the face as he raised his head over the edge. Until then he had been climbing in the lee of the building and it took his breath away for a moment, making him close his eyes reflexively. When he looked again, his heart leapt at the sight of Allen sitting huddled up against the wind, his hair streaming and snapping like a banner before his face. Gaddes scrambled over the edge and made his way towards him, having to lean forward to make headway. He stopped bent double with his hands braced on his legs.

'You look miserable up here!' He felt pretty storm-battered himself, but he couldn't keep the smile off his face.

'WHAT?' shouted Allen.

'I SAID YOU LOOK MISERABLE UP HERE!'

'I'M DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY!' Allen bawled back. 'THEY'RE ALL GONE AND WE CAN HEAR OURSELVES THINK AGAIN!'

At this point a gust nearly lifted the two of them off the rooftop, and it was decided that until the weather calmed down a _little_ they would put off resuming the regular meetings.

 

Quite abruptly, the wind blew itself out and something that really looked like spring began. The last gale had taken with it all the tension and boredom and stir-craziness that had made the fort feel like prison, and venturing outside without getting soaked or frozen felt like such a treat that patrolling became positively popular. The rise in bandit activity that coincided with the improvement in the weather was almost immediately met and quelled by an upsurge in the soldiers' determination and energy.

Gaddes was surprised to discover that part of the frustration and discontent he had experienced over winter was caused by missing the swamp. He'd actually gotten to like ranging around out there, now that it was no longer a bewildering and hostile jumble of browns and greens in which he could hardly distinguish a pleasant, sandy clearing from a patch of hungry quicksand. It was a real landscape in which he could find his way; he had learned safe paths and watercourses, gained a basic understanding of the treesign system, and worked out how to make a punt and a raft do what he wanted. It was another, unexpected way in which he could divide his life into Before Allen and After Allen parts; before Allen, whenever he was out in the swamp (seldom enough), he had always just been thinking of how he could get out again without getting into too much trouble. Now he actually looked forward to exploring out there; even if there were dangers, he felt more confident of his ability to avoid them.

In springtime, exploring also became a passion with Allen. Although the geography of the well-travelled areas of the swamp was reasonably well-known to anyone who had business there, there were few if any maps worthy of the name, and large areas of these were unhelpfully vague. This was part of the bandits' advantage, of course, that they knew more about the terrain than any travellers coming into the area could be expected to, and they certainly knew more about the routes in and around the swamp, living in it, than the men of the fort had to begin with.

This was changing. Allen came up with the notion of drawing up the first comprehensive and accurate map of the area, and pursued it with his customary vigour and directness.

'It will be useful for us, a service to the local people and visitors, and probably not bad fun,' was the way he put it.

Patrols did double duty as survey teams, of a rudimentary sort, and a large, hand-drawn map pinned on the mess-hall wall was constantly being corrected, added to and improved. Every so often it would get so covered in corrections and additions (and graffiti from bored people) that it had to be redrawn from scratch, and the sight of the fresh new map seemed to spur people to find still more to fill the gaps. The men could see the practical use of what they were working on; it was already making their regular routine easier, as they built common points of reference and an accurate picture of their surroundings. In addition, it was understood that whoever first identified and mapped a feature of the landscape, if it did not already have a locally known name, had the right to name it himself. This was the popular part, for reasons of ego and humour.

Some of the new names were patriotic, such as Aston Inlet and Bayou Therese, or descriptive, such as Alligator Landing and Circle Pond. Others were named for personal references, tributes and jokes, like Teo's Mistake, Rebeka Island and Runaground Creek. Still others - and these were the ones that Allen got uncomfortable with and tried hard to persuade their originators to change - acquired such elegant and charming names as Shit Creek (which Reeden stoutly defended on the grounds that there had to be a real one somewhere, for people to get up without a paddle) and Little Tits, a pair of small hills which no-one would own up to having named.

The patriotic names were mostly Allen's choices, although he had also essayed a couple of personal ones and named a waterfall and a pond after his mother and sister. Gaddes had not named anything. He was mostly Allen's partner on exploratory forays, and tended to give him credit for any discoveries they made. Even when he had found something alone, he usually let Allen make up a name, saying 'You're better at that kind of thing than I am, and you enjoy it.' So there was a Gaddes Gorge, but that was only Allen being nice (and alliterative). Otherwise, his only contributions to the map had been collaborative. He was happy with that. He found it hard to think of snappy descriptive names, didn't care about the royal family, and the only person, the only associated incidents he wanted to immortalise were not the sort of thing he wanted to put up on the mess hall wall where everyone could see.

His _mental_ map of the swamp, then, had such placenames as Little Valley Where He Took My Hand To Help Me Over A Fallen Tree, Hill Where He Turned His Face To The Sun And Smiled So Sweetly The Sun Must Love Him Too, and Big Willow Tree On The Creekbank Where We Tied Up Our Raft To Eat Lunch On An Almost Perfect Day.

On this almost perfect day, he sat with his back against the lumpy grey trunk of the willow, and looked up through shards and splinters of shifting light at Allen, who had made himself comfortable in the curve of a cradle-like bough overhanging the water and was periodically rocking himself with a slight push of his foot against the treetrunk. He was idly watching the stream flow by, a placid amber-brown current that gleamed softly in the mild spring sunshine.

'Aren't we lucky, you and I,' he said, with a sigh of contentment. 'To see a day like this, and to know we're doing something truly worthwhile in it.'

'Worthwhile? I think you just enjoy tramping about in the swamp,' Gaddes said, smiling.

'There's some truth in that. I happen to think it's a beautiful place, now I've learned how to look at it. I would never have expected that when first I came here. There aren't any raisins left, by any chance?'

'No, you had the last ones five minutes ago.'

'Well, being outdoors so much gives one a good appetite. It's one of the pleasures of this job. Like coming home covered in mud.'

'Which we know _you_ do all the time. I don't think.'

'It would just be greedy to try for _every_ pleasure at once,' Allen said self-righteously, and then grinned. 'And you like being out here too. I can see it.'

'Yep. I'm pretty happy.'

'Are you sure?' Allen said. 'There's nothing still bothering you? You do seem much more cheerful now that dreadful winter's over. I hope that's not going to happen every year.'

'Well, it didn't last year, or at least if it did we didn't hear about it. Let's keep our fingers crossed.'

'Gaddes… if there was anything making you unhappy, you would tell me, wouldn't you?'

'Of course. Don't worry about it.' Gaddes closed his eyes against the dappled sunlight and let it warm his face.

 

The lantern-light bobbed just ahead of him.

'You're quiet tonight,' said Allen, half-turning to look over his shoulder. 'Are you having deep thoughts, or just wishing I wouldn't drag you out in the middle of the night?'

'Neither, really. Just walking along. Trying not to fall down a hole or anything,' he said, with a light laugh.

'As if you would,' said Allen, also lightly, but he seemed dissatisfied with the answer, and looked at Gaddes a moment longer before turning his attention back to the path ahead.

'I don't really know if there's anything away back here,' he said. 'There's no indication of bandit activity in the area… really no indication of human presence. We may be in one of those little pockets of swamp that don't belong to people at all.'

'It's nice,' said Gaddes.

'You can think of a better word than _nice_.'

'All right. It's bosky.'

'What's _that_ supposed to mean?'

'I don't know… it's got a lot of bosk?' He frowned, wondering why he seemed to be out of phase with Allen tonight.

'Gaddes…' Allen said, then failed to follow through on the opening.

'What?'

'I was thinking again about the winter, and how you seemed unhappy.' He had stopped walking, a few paces ahead, and was looking at the ground before him.

'Well, I was. So were you. The whole situation stank. Thank God it's over!'

'But I think you're still unhappy. That source of trouble is gone, but I don't think you're _happy_ , just contented. I know what that's like. I know because even when the present around me is warm and sweet, there's still a cold darkness beneath me. You understand me so well, and when it wells up and I get despondent you always comfort and cheer me. I've been much better this spring, don't you think? It hasn't been on my mind nearly as much, and part of that is because I've told you all about it and I have your moral support. I can't help feeling that your situation must be the same, except you don't have the comfort of a friend who understands. I keep thinking that when I see this sadness in you, it must be because you have the same problem… what you call your Tragic Past… and I can't help but think that if you would only tell me about it…' He paused, measuring his breath. 'I've asked you before if there's anything I can do to make things better or easier for you. Please let me do this little thing for you; just let me listen and understand.' He turned then, looking hopefully, eagerly at Gaddes.

Gaddes closed his eyes for a moment. _You could really lay off the irony, you know, God. It’s not_ that _clever._

'Allen, that's great of you, but I honestly have nothing to tell you. Please don't worry about me any more. I'm fine. I _am_ happy. I was exaggerating about my Tragic Past. I just called it that to be funny. Come on, how could I have a tragedy in my past? Someone like me? Samivel Gaddes, common as muck?' He tried to laugh.

'Gaddes, please don’t joke about it!'

'I thought you liked it that we could have a joke together.'

'This isn't the time for it! Gaddes… I trusted you, almost as soon as we met, with some of my deepest secrets. I felt in my heart that you were trustworthy, that you were kind, that you would be the friend I had always needed. I've told you everything about myself. I know next to nothing about you because you just won't tell me anything! Don't you trust me?'

'You know I trust you,' said Gaddes, stunned. 'I trust you with my life. That's not what it's about at all.' It gave him a sick wrench of guilt and pain to see Allen looking so wrought up. He had thought that his seeming contentment this spring had meant he was doing everything right, making him happy. 'A-aren't I the friend you need? I thought I was helping…'

'Of course you are! You're wonderful! That's exactly the problem, that you won't let me try to be the same to you.'

'You _are_ wonderful to me,' Gaddes said lamely. 'You're a good friend. Don't worry about it. Okay?'

' _Stop_ telling me not to worry about it! You _know_ I'm a worrier!' Allen snapped. He turned on his heel and stamped away, swinging the lantern angrily so that the light bounced and swung from one crookedly leaning treetrunk to the next. It made bright bars of nearby trunks, but its light fell weakly away into darkness in between.

'Don't just go off mad!' Gaddes protested. He picked up his pace, trying to catch up to Allen. He hadn't a clue how to solve this. If only he could think of something to say to make Allen forget about it. He could _not_ give him what he was asking for.

'Boss, don't you see this is one of your things that's like a girl? Always wanting to talk about people's feelings, and why they say what, and stuff? I thought you didn't want to be like that.'

'It is _not_ like that!' Allen cried, wheeling around for a moment. 'I don't _want_ to talk like this with anyone but you. You _encouraged_ me to be like this. You told me it was all right! Don't try to take it back just because it becomes inconvenient for you.' He turned again and strode on before Gaddes could think of an answer.

The way up ahead was opening out; the jouncing light showed a clearing. As the lantern's beam fell into open space, Gaddes caught up and put his hand on Allen's shoulder. He had no plan for what to say, and considered it a mercy that he was distracted at that moment, as was Allen, by the view in front of them.

'Oh, look,' said Allen quietly. Outside the trees' shadow, there was really no need for the lantern; the clearing was bathed in strong moonlight. The moonlight was caught by the soft misty vapour hanging over a large still pool of water, creating a sort of shifting silver glow. There was a faint, rustling gurgle of water moving somewhere. The pool appeared to be a natural rocky basin, unusual in this land of mud and shifting landmarks. Some parts of the growing fort map would never be permanently marked, but would have to be pencilled in as temporary and adjusted from year to year as watercourses changed seasonally or altered their path entirely. This, though, gave you the feeling that it had been here, just like this, time out of mind, and if you came back again in a year, five years, at the end of your lifetime, it would still look much the same. It was obvious that nothing lived in this pool; the water was still yet clear, and that gurgle must be some little overflow that ran away to join another stream. Otherwise it was quite cut off.

'A white lady,' Allen breathed, 'bending over to see her reflection.' He was looking at the tree which grew at the far side of the pool, a tree covered in white blossom. It looked to Gaddes like a large old magnolia, although he wasn't sure if those bloomed at night; in a place like this, at a time like this, it seemed as though it might be enchanted, the only one of its kind, sustained not by light, soil and water, but by the dreaming air of the place. Gaddes shook his head. _I don't normally think things like that._

Although the tree had the intricately angular shape of a magnolia, its flowers were not the large waxy kind that gave rise to the colloquial name 'tulip tree.' From a distance, they looked confusingly like the petals of old-fashioned roses. Many lay scattered over the surface of the water, gently turning and drifting like tiny white coracles, unmanned. As Allen and Gaddes watched, a slight breeze made the surface of the water shiver like skin, and a new drift of petals was shed by the tree, pattering down on the water almost inaudibly. With his hand on Allen's shoulder, Gaddes felt him shiver too. The night was cool, but not cold. It was a shiver of emotion, drawn out in response to beauty. _I know how that feels. If only I could kiss your skin like the petals kiss the water… make you shiver…_

'Do you smell sulphur?' Allen said abruptly.

'Um,' said Gaddes, pulling himself together, and sniffed at the air. 'Yes, now that you mention it.'

'I had no idea there were natural hot springs in the swamp,' Allen said. 'Isn't it amazing what we discover out here?' He seemed to have forgotten entirely that he was cross; he was simply enchanted by what he saw. He turned his head eagerly, to look up at Gaddes. 'Have you ever been to a place like this?'

'Um, no. They're for invalids, aren't they? Taking the waters, and stuff? Bunch of old people hawking and spitting in bath chairs?'

'In Asturia, yes, mostly. The hot springs in Fanelia are different, though. People sit in the steam, in a special shelter, to let out all the poisons and impurities in their bodies through good clean sweat. Then they go out and jump in a cold pool or if it's winter roll in the snow. Balgus told me about this. It's meant to be very bracing and invigorating.'

'Well, people always told me Fanelians were mental, and now I see what they mean,' said Gaddes wryly.

'Mental or not, I haven't been able to have a real bath for months, and I choose to look on this as a heaven-sent opportunity,' said Allen decisively, and strode out into the clearing, unfastening his belt.

'You _what?_ You're just going to get undressed out here in the middle of the woods?'

'The best place for it,' said Allen, smiling over his shoulder at him. 'Who's going to see me?'

'Well, _me!'_

'I don't mind you,' said Allen, laughing. He undid the waist of his overskirt, folded it briskly over his arm and laid it on the ground with his belt and sword. 'After all, I saw you in the altogether when I was looking after you.' He went to the water's edge, pulled off one glove and tested the water with his fingertips. 'Temperature's perfect.'

'I'll turn my back,' said Gaddes, and did so. _Yes,_ that _will make everything all right. I can't believe this is happening!_ He folded his arms across his chest, trying to literally get a grip on himself. His right hand gripped his left arm above the elbow so tightly that it hurt; his left hand dug at his ribcage, trapped under his arm. _Trapped and holding on at the same time._

There was a short silence from Allen. Somehow it had a peevish quality. Gaddes could hear him stripping off his other glove, then a gravelly sound that must be him sitting on the ground to remove his boots, tugging impatiently.

'I don't know _why_ you're so shy about this,' Allen said. He sounded as though he had remembered he was in a bad temper. 'It's ridiculous. At your age. And it's completely inconsistent with the rest of your character. You're not a prude.'

'I've got a right to have a quirk,' Gaddes mumbled.

'This isn't a quirk, it's just pathetic,' said Allen. He got to his feet with a scuff and scatter of stones, and started popping the fastenings on the top half of his uniform; they sounded like angry, jerky movements.

'I'm trying to be a gentleman,' said Gaddes desperately.

'Are you calling _me_ ungentlemanly!?'

'No! Why are you so touchy tonight? What's wrong with giving you a bit of privacy? I mean, I'll turn round once you're in the water.' He heard a long, sliding rustle that must be Allen's trousers falling to the ground, an impetuous scuffle that must be Allen kicking them away. He bit his lip. A clink of cufflinks, the whisper of his silk cravat, the papery pop of shirt buttons.

'This is just the sort of thing I was talking about,' Allen muttered.

'I think there's a bit of a difference between telling you things and looking at you naked.'

'You're being obtuse on purpose,' Allen said angrily. Gaddes heard him throw down his shirt and step out of his underwear. _Oh God, oh God, he's naked behind me._

'It's not as if there's anything _wrong_ with me,' Allen went on. 'Nothing you haven't seen before! The world won't end if you look at me.'

 _I want to look at you so much I could just about grow eyes in the back of my head._

'So don't join me to do something I enjoy, don't try something a little bit different that might even be good for you, just stand there like a lump because you couldn't possibly risk seeing a normal healthy human body.' Sarcasm, from Allen, sounded quite bizarre to Gaddes.

'I'm _sorry_ , Allen. None of this was meant to upset you. And I'm not trying to spoil your bath or whatever. I can't change how I feel.'

'Fine. Never mind.' He heard Allen walk down to the water's edge, then a series of sloshing wading steps and a final splash of a body being lowered in. 'There. Modesty is satisfied.'

Gaddes let out his breath and relaxed marginally, then turned towards the pool.

Allen was standing a few feet in, the water only lapping around the tops of his thighs. His arms were folded across his chest and he was directing a kind of sullen, challenging glare at Gaddes. Automatically, Gaddes had clapped a hand over his face, but he could and did still see between his fingers; he was too much of a traitor to his own good intentions to blind himself effectively. Turning away again was out of the question.

 _Oh, my God, my god of love. He's perfect, perfect, everything I want. Stop staring. Stop. At least don't look straight at his cock. But I can't help it, the most private, secret part of his body, most vulnerable, most powerful over me… your eyes_ go _to what you know you're not meant to look at. God. Dark gold curls,_ red _gold. I could never have imagined that, in all my daydreams of undressing him. And there it is with the warm water just kissing the tip… I really wish I hadn't thought 'kissing the tip.' Look anywhere else. All of him, perfect, strong and smooth and shining with warm young life. Now is when I should stride right into that water and kiss him for all I'm worth. And, what, make him scream and punch me into next week? Cut myself off from him forever?_

'There,' said Allen. 'Is the sky falling? I don't believe so. Stop being childish, get undressed and get in the water. If you don't like baths, you can just take one as a punishment.' He turned and waded further in - _a damn' PEACH!_ , shouted an anguished voice in Gaddes' head - then swam away to the other side of the pool, a sleek golden head becoming fainter through the soft steam. 'I won't _look_.' His voice drifted back, mockingly.

 _I can't fight with you any more. As far as I can, I'll do what you want._ He stripped off his clothes quickly and hurried into the water, thrown off balance as much by his confused feelings as by the shifting stones under his feet. He could make out Allen's head bobbing under the branches of the white tree, and swam towards him. His hair was clinging to his shoulders in wet golden strands, and stray white petals clung to his skin.

'I'm sorry,' Gaddes said. 'Really sorry. I-'

'No,' said Allen, surprising him. 'I should apologise. That was a very childish trick. I'm embarrassed now. It - it shouldn't be that important. Anyway,' he said, with a nervous laugh, 'I suppose we're even now. That was what was troubling me.'

'Oh,' said Gaddes. 'I see.' _Well, that's a lie, but I'm playing it by ear here._

'I paddled out here and looked up through the tree branches at the moons, and realised anew how beautiful it is here, and what a stupid waste it is to be angry with you in a place like this.'

'Does that mean you'll go back to being mad if we go someplace ugly?' Gaddes asked, attempting a crooked smile.

'Don't try me,' said Allen, smiling back. He was rather rosy-cheeked, whether because he had embarrassed himself or because of the warm water; perhaps more of the former because his manner had become a little diffident. He ducked his head and looked at the surface of the water; for a panicky moment Gaddes thought he was looking _through_ the water and could clearly see the state he was in, but he realised that his attention was on the floating blossom. Allen pursed his lips and blew softly, sending one white petal scudding over the water trailing semicircular ripples. It ran aground against Gaddes' collarbone and adhered to his skin. Without any exchange of words, this turned into a sort of game, a distraction from or displacement of their sudden awkwardness together, with points being scored by landing a petal against one's opponent's chest, neck or shoulder. After some time they felt ready to speak again, to joke a little.

'Helping them along by waving your hands under the water is cheating,' Allen muttered.

'So's using your hair as a shield.'

'I think that one should count - you dodged. It's not fair to move the goal.'

'To compensate for your hair advantage.'

'I get a handicap because you're better at blowing than I am.'

 _And I do believe I'll just overlook that outrageous double entendre. No matter how much I might like to convince you of my ability in that department._ Carrying on as if the situation were normal and he were relaxed seemed to be making him more aroused instead of less. There was no way he could meet Allen's eyes at this stage.

'Rinse off and start again equal,' suggested Allen, splashing a small wave against him, carrying away the bruised petals.

'Don't you think we've played that game enough?'

'Oh, perhaps,' said Allen. He turned and swam away easily; Gaddes rather envied his smooth, confident stroke. He could swim well enough to keep himself safe, but he knew he was out of place in the water. He was always happier if he had the option of putting his feet on the bottom; at least the water here was shallow enough to permit that. He saw Allen turn over and scull along on his back, looking up at the sky.

 _What's going to happen? Where in the world does this go? What do I do when it's time to get out, insist on the no-looking rule again and annoy him all over again? Assuming I ever do make a declaration of love, I don't want it to be as crude as just showing him I want him._ He closed his eyes, trying to be aware of nothing but the lapping of warm water around him, trying not to track the rippling sounds of Allen's progress around the pool. This was impossible. _My merman._ He tried to imagine the moons' view of Allen, suspended in the water with his hair fanning out beneath him like golden seaweed. That would make it a sun and two moons in love with him; it must be the attraction of a heavenly body. _One day I'm going to figure out what's wrong with me that makes me think of puns at a time like this._

'There's a good place to sit over here,' Allen said, from a few metres away. Gaddes opened his eyes and looked for him.

'You see, there are some large rocks under the surface,' Allen went on, 'and they're quite comfortable and smooth to sit on. The higher one if you want to get your head and shoulders into the cooler air and clear your head, the lower one if you just want to sit and soak and dream.' He had settled himself on the lower submerged boulder. 'There's room for you beside me.'

'Right,' said Gaddes. He was beginning to feel a little fatalistic about the whole thing, as if he might as well just go with the flow.

When they had sat in silence a little while, Allen seemed to become slightly restless and fidgety, changing position every few seconds.

'What's the matter?' said Gaddes. 'Have you had enough?'

'No, no. Are you happy? I mean, you like this, and you aren't just staying in to humour me, right?'

'No, I like it very much, now I'm in.'

'Good,' said Allen, without seeming really reassured. After a moment he began again.

'I want to explain about before, and why I was so insistent and unreasonable.'

'There's nothing you need to explain. I'm sorry I pissed you off, but let's forget about it.'

'But I _want_ to. And you've always let me talk when I wanted to before.

'It all comes back to my feeling that you don't trust me.' Allen stopped and took a deep breath. 'It _hurts_ that you don't trust me, Gaddes. It feels as though I turn to you with my arms open and you turn away with your arms folded. It - it feels as though I stand before you naked, and you stand there in a suit of armour.' His voice was getting quieter, and there was a catch in it. 'You don't love me the way I love you.'

'Everyone's different,' said Gaddes. 'So maybe it's not in me to love you the way you love me. But I do love you my way, more than anyone. Is that not enough?' _It's so bizarre how the exact truth can sound as if it means something completely different._

'But I think you _could_ ,' said Allen. 'And I feel guilty about the way things are. You've done so much for me, but won't let me do anything kind for you. I feel that I can't go on accepting your kindness without offering _anything_ in return. It makes us unequal. You know all about me, all my weakness and shame, and you care for me regardless. How can I say I really love you if I don't really know you?'

 _Always hung up on saying you love me. You drive me crazy the way you mix up love and friendship._ 'The reason why I don't tell you everything about myself,' Gaddes said slowly, trying to keep the tremor out of his voice, 'is that I _want_ you to love me, like you say you do. I don't want how you feel about me to change.'

'How do you know it would?' Allen exclaimed. 'Remember the trouble we've had in the past because one of us assumed he knew how the other would feel about something? The person I love is you, as I know you, here and now. Your history doesn't come into it, nor your rank nor your class nor how you look - I don't mean I have no favourable view of those things but that even if they were all different I know you'd still be the person I love. I want to know you better so I can love you better. Please, Gaddes, stop holding me at arm's length!' There was a shining in his eyes suggestive of tears; he put out a hand and touched Gaddes' shoulder.

Unable to bear it, Gaddes pulled away.

Allen's hand dropped. 'You really don't love me,' he said hollowly. 'You could have told me before, instead of letting me build my happiness on a false foundation.'

'That's not true,' said Gaddes. 'Please believe me, it's not true.'

'Is there _nothing_ you can do, or say, to show me that you trust me?' Allen asked piteously. 'I know I shouldn't worry about it so much but I can't stop thinking about it. You're such a mystery to me. You show me your cheerful face and tell me there's nothing sad behind it, but every instinct I have tells me otherwise. Sometimes it makes me so angry… what happened just before was like that. I have told you everything because I know you would never use it to hurt me. I can let down my guard, let all my façade drop away, and know I am safe with you. You're the only person who looks after me. But all I can think is that you don't feel safe with me.

'I feel terrible for not making you happy, and I feel furious with you for not trusting me when I've never done anything to warrant your suspicion. I looked after you when you were sick, and I felt as though that brought us very close together, so that we didn't need to be embarrassed about anything. Like when you stayed with me the night of my birthday, and you didn't lose respect for me because I got myself into such a mess. I was so happy that morning, and all day whenever I thought about it. And all through that horrible winter the thought of it would cheer me and comfort me when I was tired or fed up. It was all the harder because with so many people about and everywhere taken up with their things, we couldn't have that intimacy any more. I wanted so much to return to that… tonight, for example… and I got upset, and then angry, because it felt as if you'd changed your mind and were pushing me away again.'

'It's _not_ that I don't trust you. I want to protect you,' Gaddes mumbled. He had never felt so ashamed of himself. 'I don't want to ruin everything.'

'But considering the way I feel now,' Allen said, 'if you don't tell me anything I think everything is ruined anyway.'

Gaddes pressed his wet hands to his face, trying to think. There was no way to avoid it; life had brought him round to the point where he had to tell the truth. _I never quite understood that saying about damned if you do and damned if you don't before._ His old hope that Allen would at least be tolerant enough not to condemn him for his inclinations was no comfort now; their present relationship had become too precious to him for the end of it to give him anything but pain.

'All right,' he said finally. 'If you want to know everything, then all right. Wait there; I have to get something you need to see.'

Swimming to the other side of the spring felt like crossing an ocean; he felt his helplessness in a foreign element and wondered if drowning was an easy death. He wasn't considering suicide, which he had always regarded as unnecessarily dramatic, but thoughts of ending weighed upon his mind. The only helpful thing about this bleak state was that at least the erection which had started to make its presence felt around the instant Allen had started undressing had given up the ghost. Even the most brainless optimism, which seemed to be his body's usual philosophy, had to give in at some point.

The folded letter was still inside his breastplate, the paper moulded to the shape of his chest. He swam back one-handed, holding it above the water. Allen still sat on the submerged rock waiting; Gaddes stopped a few feet before him, trying to memorise, to imprint on his mind the last time he saw Allen as simply his friend. _Moonshine in his eyes and white petals caught in his hair. In the end, this is all I have._

'Here,' he said, 'you should read this.' He put the letter in Allen's hand.

'What is it?' Allen asked. 'It looks very worn along the edges, as if it's been folded like this for a long time. And it's crinkled as if it's been soaked and dried out.'

'Please stop playing detective and just read it.'

'Well, I'll sit up on the higher stone so I don't wet it,' said Allen, uncertainly, changing his position so that he was only immersed to the waist. The bright moonlight was sufficient to read by, if he squinted a little.

'Fine. I'll sit down here and wait.' Sitting on the lower rock, Gaddes drew up his knees, rested his elbows on them and put his head down on his crossed forearms. The gentle vapour of the water was warm and damp against his face. He closed his eyes, wishing he could also close his ears and not hear the rustle of unfolding paper and Allen's quiet breathing as he read. _Am I going to hear it in his breathing first? Yes, there's the break, the change. Goodbye._ He hadn't expected to cry, because it was something he very seldom did, but he felt a burning behind his eyelids that suggested he might.

Time went by, slowly. He felt soft petals fall on his shoulders and arms, and goosebumps rose on the wet skin, as a light breath of wind passed through the clearing. He heard Allen murmur 'Oh, my Lord…' Gaddes turned his head to the side briefly, like an overarm swimmer taking a breath, and took a quick look at him; he was intently reading, his brows drawn together in concentration, absent-mindedly biting his thumb.

 _At least he's reading all the way through. At least he didn't get to the first incriminating bit and blow up at me. He would be kind like that. He would try to be fair, and give me a chance. That's why I love him._

At long last, he heard Allen refold the paper and grow still. He lifted his head, unable to turn to look him in the eye, and said 'Well, now you know everything, and I'm sorry.'

'Gaddes, this is just awful,' said Allen, his voice tight with pain.

'I'm sorry.'

'What are _you_ sorry for? I can't believe the way he treated you. How could he? How could anyone be so selfishly cruel? This isn't - Gaddes, this isn't the man I hit in Lamor, is it?'

'The same one,' said Gaddes, puzzled. This wasn't the track he had expected Allen to get onto.

'My God,' said Allen. 'Well, I'm glad I _did_ , but if I'd _known_ all this I would have wanted to cut him down where he stood. My poor, poor Gaddes…'

'You… _did_ read the letter all the way through, right? I mean, to the end?' Trying to make himself brave, Gaddes stole a look at Allen from the corner of his eye. He didn't look angry. He looked stunned, but not repelled. How could that be?

'Of course I did.'

'Then… then what do you think about it?'

'I honestly don't know what to think,' Allen said. He turned the folded letter around in his hands and smoothed the creases. 'I didn't know this was possible - for men to be in love with each other, I mean.'

'Pardon? But you were reading me something about it from a book once, peeder-something.'

'That book was just dignifying physical desire with the name "love." I - I knew there were _relations_ between men, obviously, but I thought it was only driven by lust, and - and taking pleasure in violation, like rape, like what you describe with this terrible man. I didn't know _true_ love came into it. Is all this still… accurate? Your feelings haven't changed since you wrote it? It looks old.'

'It's still true. It's more true. The only thing that's changed is I love you more.'

'You did a _very_ good job of hiding it,' Allen said, 'either that or I'm very stupid.'

'You're not stupid,' said Gaddes miserably, 'just innocent. There's no reason why you should have known. I never wanted to hurt you.'

'No-one's ever told me they felt this way about me,' said Allen. 'Not even Marlene. I can still hardly believe it.'

'This… _really_ isn't the reaction I'd expected,' said Gaddes. He had a stay-of-execution kind of feeling. Surely nothing good could come of this, and yet nothing terrible seemed to be happening immediately. Allowing himself to wind down very slightly from red-alert status, he rested his chin on his arms, still looking up at Allen.

'And I was accusing you of not loving me!' Allen exclaimed. 'Oh, God…' He lapsed into silence again.

'I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. We can just - I mean, please, if you'll let me just keep being your friend - if you'll just not turn away from me - '

'Gaddes, stop, please, I need to say something.' Allen was biting his lip, looking more anxious and churned-up than Gaddes had ever seen him. 'I will not turn away from you. Please never think that of me. None of this lessens or changes or does _anything_ to my respect and esteem for you. But… but what you say here at the end, about "It's the way you would feel love, maybe." It's making me wonder… about the way I _do_ feel love… and the way I feel about you.'

'What do you mean?' asked Gaddes. His heart had been beating with heavy, slow pulses, painful; it gave a trip-step and began to beat just a little faster, a little lighter.

'I think about you so much. I feel so happy when you smile at me, and if you touch me. I want so badly to know you and for you to know me, for nothing in the world to come between us. I'm always thinking of what I could do or say to please you and make you happy to be here, now, with me, to want to be nowhere else. I want to be the only one who is precious to you; I was so happy that you didn't pick up a girlfriend over the winter, when it would have been so easy! I'm selfish, and jealous of you. You're - you're the light of my world, you know. The only person who's given me such happiness, and nothing has gone wrong.' He looked into Gaddes' eyes, fearful and unsettled. 'Am I in love with you, Gaddes?'

'I - I don't know. Only you can tell if you love someone that way.' Gaddes was too stunned to come up with a more sensible answer. It felt as if the world had tilted through ninety degrees and up was now sideways.

'But how _can_ I know? I didn't know until just now that it was even possible! You've always known. Can't you tell me, or help me to see?'

'I'm really not sure,' said Gaddes. 'The only thing I can think of is - well, that you could let me kiss you, and see how you feel about it.' None of this felt real; perhaps that was a mercy, because as long as he couldn't believe it was happening to him he couldn't feel _too_ nervous, only _extremely_.

'Well - well, all right,' said Allen. 'Should I come down to where you are, or will you come up to me? What should I do? Is it the same as ordinary kissing, or-'

'Calm down,' said Gaddes, speaking as much to himself as to Allen. 'It'll be all right, just relax. No need to do anything yet.'

'All right,' said Allen again. He took a deep breath and released it slowly, closing his eyes. Gaddes began to wonder what he was doing before he realised he was waiting. _Waiting for me, trusting me. I'm really going to be allowed to kiss him._ With his pulse almost humming, he placed his hands on the rock beside Allen and lifted himself on his arms, rising level with his head; he felt a shiver of Allen's breath against his face as he leaned closer and pressed a soft, cautious kiss to his tense lips before dropping back.

After a moment Allen opened his eyes, looking no less confused.

'What did you think?' asked Gaddes nervously. _Please may this not be how I find out I'm a terrible kisser._

'I - I don't know,' said Allen. 'It was over so quickly that I didn't have time to make up my mind. You'll have to do it again.'

'I can kiss you again?'

'Yes…' Allen closed his eyes once more, composing himself. On the second attempt, Gaddes felt the slightest, softest response to his kiss, the barest pressure in return; hesitant but unmistakable. The rush of joy, the deep answering pull in his groin, sent such a powerful shiver through his frame that he didn't trust his arms to hold him up. He let himself drop again, looking up anxiously, eagerly at the statue-like form just above him, Allen enthroned, moon-silvered, a love-letter crumpled in his hand.

His eyes were still closed, and the lashes flickered very slightly as if he were dreaming. His lips parted softly and he breathed in deeply, his chest visibly rising, then slowly exhaled.

'Again,' he said quietly.

'Because you're still not sure?' Gaddes asked.

Allen opened his eyes and tilted his head to look down at the man in the water below him; a smile that was half angelic and half foolish spreading on his face.

'Because now I know,' he said. He slipped down from the higher stone, his face radiant, open and eager. With hands that still threatened to tremble, Gaddes stroked away the damp strands of fine blond hair, and tenderly framed Allen's face before kissing him again… and again. He was surprising himself with how gentle and chaste these kisses were. He'd always thought of himself as more aggressive somehow, but he was being guided by Allen's responses and apparently he did not feel ready even to open his lips to Gaddes' exploration. The deep, probing kisses of dreams, the soft biting and hungry sucking of lips just didn't seem to fit here and now. And yet he was not frustrated by this at all. What he had, what he held, was perfect.

'I love you,' he whispered between kisses.

'Love you…' Allen murmured. His hands crept to Gaddes' shoulders, stroked the back of his neck and made him shiver with prickling delight. _Even the little hairs stand up straight for you. Everything stands to attention for_ you _, sir._ Growing ever more excited, he dropped his hands from Allen's face and slipped his arms around his body, meaning to enfold him, to pull him close; he felt Allen's arms stiffen and brace against him.

'Please stop,' said Allen.

'I'm sorry,' said Gaddes, snatching his hands away and backing off. He almost slipped off the edge of the rock beneath him; he overbalanced but caught himself again, and wavered in the water, feeling overheated and foolish.

'I didn't mean stop altogether,' Allen said, looking startled. 'Only stop what you were doing just then. I - I suppose I'm being ridiculous, but given that I'm still just getting used to the idea that we can kiss, I don't feel ready to be held in your arms that way - certainly not when we're both naked.'

'Of course. Of course, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking.' _Ruin it all again, why don't you._ 'Please - can we go back? Can I kiss you again?'

'I - I think I should get dressed,' said Allen anxiously.

'I've scared you off,' said Gaddes, dismayed.

'You haven't. I just think it would be a good idea now. Gaddes - would you please look away when I get out of the water?'

'Why?'

'I feel… differently about it now,' said Allen. He looked down at his hands, seeming embarrassed. 'That's ridiculous too, I know.'

'Well, a few minutes ago you _did_ deliberately flash me. I don't quite understand the turnaround. What happened to wanting nothing to come between us?' He risked touching Allen's face again, tracing the line of his jaw, and felt a little relief at seeing how he inclined his head towards the touch, unthinkingly.

'I feel shy,' Allen mumbled.

'You don't need to be shy, sweetheart, you're very beautiful.' It was hard to keep the eagerness out of his voice, and perhaps he failed. He was worried by the look Allen gave him.

'You called me _sweetheart_ ,' he said, frowning slightly. 'I didn't know you'd do things like that.'

'I won't if you don't like it.'

'I didn't say I don't like it, only how surprised I am. I - I think I _do_ like it. You must make allowances for me. So much of this takes me by surprise.'

'And you know, don't you, I'll never try to get you to do anything you don't like, anything that upsets you. If you say stop I will. I'll just be hoping it's only stop for the moment, not stop forever.'

'I'm sorry I tricked you into looking at me,' Allen said. He did not seem to be able to leave this thought alone. 'It was underhanded of me, and I think I gave you a shock.'

'More like the thrill of my life,' Gaddes said wryly. 'I _told_ you I was just trying to be a gentleman before. I've got no objection to looking at your body. Just the opposite. I didn't trust myself to do it before. It seemed unfair when you didn't know what it meant to me.'

'Oh,' said Allen, looking dismayed.

'That was meant to make you feel better. Was it just creepy?'

'No, I - I'm feeling guilty.'

'About _what?'_

'I kept saying it didn’t matter if you saw me naked because I had seen you when I was taking care of you in your illness. And I wanted to make us square for that, because - because, Gaddes, I didn't just _see_ you, because you were there in front of me, I _looked_ at you. Carefully, while I was bathing you. I - I was very curious - it was mostly because I'd never really seen another grown man undressed and I wanted to make some comparisons and see if I was normal. It was reassuring.'

'Oh… well, I'm glad I could do that for you, even if I was unconscious at the time.' _It would be very very wrong to grin and say 'See anything you liked?' Yes, it definitely would._

'I… think there is something I should confess,' said Allen, rushing the words out together after the hesitant pause. He reverted to fiddling with the folded paper in his hands as he spoke, staring at it as if it were of absorbing interest.  His cheeks were reddening again. 'That… sometimes… after your illness, and more so after you stayed the night with me after my birthday… I would imagine that you were with me in my bed, and we were naked under the sheets, and you put your arms around me and kissed me and we slept like that. It was always a, a comforting thought, that made me feel warm and safe and… and loved… I would use it to help me go to sleep at night, imagining the feeling of your arms around me and the warmth of your skin and the feeling that you were protecting me. And - and I didn't think to associate the two until now, but I think there was a definite connection between how often I would fall asleep that way, and how often I would have, um, rather passionate dreams.'

'You dreamed about _me?'_

'I - no - not _exactly_ , not as I understood it at the time. The, ah, you recall the grape-eating dream I told you about once? I never dreamed of that in quite the same way after I found out what it was about, I suppose because I was rather shaken. I started to have new dreams that were less clear, but perhaps more intense; dreams in which I didn't know who I was with, but in which there were hands stroking me and lips kissing me and warm, strong arms around me. I would dream like that after falling asleep with the idea of you.'

 _And after falling asleep with the real me. Oh, you sweet, muddled boy._ Please _dream with me now._

'I never knew what it meant that I wanted so much to be close to you,' Allen said, pressing on before Gaddes could come up with any reply. 'I only knew how deeply I did want it, and how deeply it hurt me when you didn't seem to feel the same need, and wouldn't open yourself to me, and how joyous I felt when we seemed to reach a deeper intimacy… there was one moment when I had so much hope that it frightened me, unsettled me… do you remember, it was also when you were ill, the first day that you felt a little better and I gave you a shave?'

'I remember,' said Gaddes, struggling to keep his voice level. It was threatening to wobble all over the place as it had not done since it first broke.

'There was a moment when you opened your eyes and looked up at me. It felt as though before you had always worn glasses with smoked lenses, and just then you took them off and looked at me with your true eyes.' He looked up, timidly. 'The same way you're looking at me now.' As if he felt he had to do it quickly before he lost his nerve, he leaned forward and pressed one of his tender clumsy off-centre kisses against Gaddes' upper lip. It was only a brief kiss, a soft heavy pressure before he pulled away, but Gaddes' hand behind his head checked his retreat and brought him back for a revised and expanded version. He was trembling; Allen could feel more than hear the smothered moan that rose in his throat.

 _How can one kiss bring me so close to coming? The water between us should be boiling. He's mine, my love, my boy, nuzzling against me and stroking my shoulders, I won't grab you, I swear it, but come closer, touch me, touch me!_ His fingers slipped and tangled in the damp softness of Allen's hair; he felt the letter in Allen's hand crumple against the back of his neck. Their bodies were still separated by shifting warm water, and he was unable to bring them closer together before Allen broke away with a little gasp.

'I'm - I'm going to get out now,' he said, although he did not yet move or take his hands from Gaddes' shoulders. The pressure and friction of their kisses had reddened his lips; another soft night-blooming flower.

'All right,' said Gaddes, 'all right. You'd better go quickly or I won't be able to let you go.'

'Right,' said Allen, a little vaguely, kissed him once more and slipped away through the water. A little way away he turned and looked back.

‘Although I realise I’m spoiling it a bit by being awkward…’ he said, ‘would it be fair to say that this has been more romantic than a certain memory associated with potatoes?’

‘Definitely,’ said Gaddes. Allen smiled and slipped away once more.

 _I was hoping you wouldn't really. Damn. Okay, time to be a gentleman again._ Resolutely, he turned his back, even closing his eyes to the moonlight. _Whatever god is in charge of these things, thank you, thank you._ He could not have held back from touching himself now; the orgasm came upon him so quickly that it almost seemed unassisted by his shaking hands. He leaned his forehead against a smooth stone forming part of the brink of the pool and tried to breathe slowly as the last shivers rippled through his body, and the fevered intensity of his aroused senses gently dimmed to something approaching a normal level. He opened his eyes and saw a small white cloud gently dissolving in the water.

 _Next time, next time, and I'll do everything I can to make there be a next time, we'll mix with the water together. I want to hold him so close the water can't get between us, to suck his tongue into my mouth to play with mine, he'll wrap his legs around my waist and I'll squeeze and stroke his perfect tight little ass and try for nothing fancier than to rub together until we both explode. That should have been just now… oh yes… now this is what you call ingratitude, he kisses me, tells me he loves me, and I'm whining 'But I wanted a shag!' Just wait. It could happen now. It really could. Even if he's uncertain right now, he does want it. 'Hands stroking me and lips kissing me and warm, strong arms around me.' My hands, Allen, my lips, my arms. All for you._

'I'm dressed now,' Allen called out from the far shore. 'You can come out.' Gaddes swam to the shallower side of the spring; it felt almost as though a different man was emerging from the water than the one who had first immersed himself.

'You don't have to keep your back turned,' he said to Allen, amused. 'Remember, I don't mind now.'

'It just seems fairer,' said Allen. 'You'd better get dressed quickly, it's chilly once you're out. I really was an idiot not to think of the fact that after bathing one would want a _towel_. There's no way to dry off.' His voice sounded a little tense, although perhaps he was just physically uncomfortable; his clothes were clinging to his wet skin, and as Gaddes quickly discovered, it was an unpleasantly clammy feeling. The heat of the water quickly evaporated into the night air, although a deeper warmth remained just under the skin. On the whole he was too happy to mind the feeling of damp linen sticking to his arms, and he said so.

'You're just being a good sport,' said Allen uncertainly. He had still not turned round; he was standing in the way Gaddes had come to recognise as meaning he was trying to steady himself, to exert self-control. Other people might have folded their arms or linked their hands behind their backs, as if reassuring themselves; Allen kept his arms by his sides as though he were relaxed, but the telltale was how tightly his hands were closed, how stiffly his shoulders were set.

'No,' said Gaddes quietly, behind him. With one hand he gently swept back the curtain of Allen's hair, and lightly kissed a spot just behind his ear. He felt Allen grow tenser still for a moment, drawing in his breath as if in shock. _You just need to get used to this._ He put his arms around Allen's waist and gave his body a gentle squeeze. It was not an overtly sexual gesture; his own body was at peace at the moment. He simply wanted to be close. He put his head down on Allen's shoulder and breathed in the scent of his skin, his hair, the slight sulphurous trace of the water.

'I - I must smell like rotten eggs,' Allen said nervously.

'No you don't,' Gaddes murmured. 'You still have petals caught in your hair.'

'I don't know how you can be so relaxed.'

'We're in a private place, in the middle of the night. What are you worried about?'

'How I feel,' said Allen. He slowly raised one hand and touched Gaddes', clasped at his waist like the buckle of a living belt. 'It's not that I think it's wrong or sinful. I think you were right about that. It doesn't hurt anyone else if I love you. But… how I feel now is making it extremely clear to me that I really wasn't in love with Marlene, not as I'm in love with you. It's unfamiliar and overwhelming to understand my feelings for the first time.' He paused. 'I did love her. I still do love her. Being without her, and knowing she's unhappy because of me, is still painful. If I saw her again, I would still do anything she asked of me, to be her knight. But the knowledge, and not only the knowledge but the _feeling_ , that you love me and I feel an answering love and - and desire - moves all that to one side.' He was tracing the shapes of Gaddes' fingers. 'I can't help thinking that it's very unfair that she lives in a foreign palace with a man she can't possibly love, and I live in a swamp with - well, with _you._ Neither of us deserves our situation. I mean, I even like the swamp.'

He actually laughed slightly at that, at his own absurdity in enjoying his exile; Gaddes felt it and was comforted. He began, gradually, to rock Allen from side to side, a kind of sleepy swaying meant to soothe.

‘Sweetheart, if life was really set up so everything that happened to you was something you deserved, I'd be scared to get out of bed in the morning. Imagine it, cause and effect every second.’

'Well, a lot of people believe that _is_ how life works. You can't say actions don't have consequences, even if the cause-and-effect isn't always direct and obvious and appropriate-seeming. And a lot of people would call you heretical for suggesting that things don't happen for a reason, that there isn't any divine order or plan in motion.'

'How can anyone believe that? It'd follow that God's a complete bastard. Messing people up for the fun of it, like Nichol. If anyone really makes these things happen they're not doing it for nice reasons, although I bet _they_ think they're in the right. If people got what they deserved in life, okay, your princess wouldn't be where she is, but you also would have two nice parents at home where they belong, with a sister for you to tease and make a pet of, you wouldn't know what a bandit looks like and you'd never have come within a mile of ending up somewhere like this and meeting me.'

'I - I wouldn't _like_ not knowing you,' Allen said. 'Everything about that sounds so wonderful except not knowing you.'

'It's not like you'd miss me if you'd never met me. And you wouldn't need me to make you happy. Everything that's wrong now would be right. You can't say that any of that shit when you were a kid was deserved by you, or caused by anything you did, and that's where it all comes from.'

'I want to think,' said Allen slowly, 'that somehow we would still have found each other. If people got what they deserved things would have been different for you too. You wouldn't have had to leave school when you didn't want to. I might have _gone_ to school. We could have met there.'

'Your parents wouldn't've sent you to the school _I_ was at. You'd've been at one of those posh places where the teachers wear a black gown in class and you have to call them Dominie and you know you're getting a good education because it costs so much.'

'You could have won a scholarship,' Allen said. He was smiling a little now, enjoying countering what Gaddes came up with. 'Imagine us sitting together in our classes. We could pass notes under the desk.'

'I'd've been in another class, I'm older than you.'

'A teacher asked the bright scholarship boy to tutor one of the juniors. You helped me catch up in mathematics - I would have failed without your help.' He paused for a moment, lifting one of Gaddes' hands and gently interlocking their fingers, and when he spoke again his voice was softer, more secret. 'You would reward me for the right answers with a kiss. It was just extraordinary how enthusiastic I became about my homework. We would spend _hours_ studying together.'

'With the door of your room shut,' Gaddes added. He gave Allen's hand a little squeeze and wrapped his arms more closely around him. _So holding you this close when we_ are _dressed is okay. And if you just get to relax a little you get a lot keener._

'And locked. We mustn't be disturbed while we were studying. No-one knew what we were doing.' His free hand reached up and back to touch Gaddes' head, to stroke his hair. He leaned back against his partner's body, willingly tilting his head for the touch of another kiss against his neck. __

'No-one knew how you let me touch you,’ Gaddes whispered.

'H-how did you touch me? No, wait…' Allen frowned in thought for a moment, and then smiled. 'Six times seven is forty-two,' he said, and turned for his kiss, lacing his arms around Gaddes' neck.

'Very good. Keep going.' _Especially the way you arch your back and push up to my chest._

'Umm… seven times seven is forty-nine.'

This time Gaddes tried opening his mouth slightly as he kissed him, just enough to make the kiss slightly wet. He got a vague sense that Allen was a little surprised, but pleasantly so.

'Eight times seven is fifty-six,' he went on, without waiting to be prompted; the 'six' was muffled, almost smothered by the pressure of Gaddes' mouth.

'You're just adding seven in your head each time, I bet,' Gaddes teased him.

'Ask me anything. Make it harder.'

'Ten times fifty,' said Gaddes, grabbing two numbers at random.

'Five hundred, too easy, harder.' The command seemed to apply to the kiss too. In the middle of it Allen appeared to suddenly realise he could use his tongue as well; he did it so clumsily that Gaddes wondered if it was a first effort, or just long unpractised. Either way it made something inside him tighten pleasingly. When they separated again it was only by a bare minimum, their lips still almost touching.

'Twelve times nineteen.'

'Two hundred and twenty-eight, _harder_.'

'I don't think you need tutoring at all. Uh… six times eleven and a half.'

'Sixty-nine.'

'Oh, yes.'

'Harder.'

'You think I even know if you're getting these right?'

'But you can't _kiss_ me if I don't get them right.'

'Bonus kiss for doing fractions.' _And coming up with a dirty answer. I didn't even see that coming. Do you know what it means, honey? Will you let me show you?_

'All right.' This time Allen remembered - or discovered? It felt more and more like discovery, and the thought was making Gaddes' blood burn - that the tips of their tongues could twist round and round each other, an almost hypnotic swirl of wet heat. When they broke apart his cheeks were flushed and his breathing much more rapid.

'I just thought of something awful,' Allen breathed. 'You can't be at my school any more. You're nineteen, you must have left. I'm in my last year.'

'I'm helping you with your university entrance exams,' Gaddes invented hastily.

'My God, you're clever. You must be teaching me all sorts of amazing things. Squares on hippopotamuses and everything.'

'I'm _sure_ that's not right.'

'What do I get for a wrong answer?'

'Well, I have to be tough, I have to give you a little smack on the butt like this.' His hand lingered and squeezed firm curving muscle. Allen caught his breath and closed his eyes.

'I know what I got wrong,' he said, 'it's hippopotami, not hippopotamuses.'

'Still doesn't sound like maths to me. Smack two. But I'll kiss you for good grammar.' He kissed Allen with both hands firmly planted on his backside, wishing the shape wasn't made indistinct by a double layer of heavy material. What lunatic decided a skirt over trousers was a good look for men anyway?

'If I’m to be prepared for the matriculation exams, you'd better give me something _really_ hard now,' Allen whispered.

It was too much temptation; he'd been thinking it almost since this game started. 'Here's something hard,' Gaddes whispered back. Allen gave a stifled gasp as he felt himself abruptly lifted onto tiptoe and the full length of his body pressed hard up against Gaddes' as he kissed him; he felt the heat and mass of his partner's arousal pressing off-centre into his groin, seemingly nuzzling and seeking the ridge of his own silk-bound erection, just emergent a few moments ago and suddenly redoubled in urgency; warm hands stroked and compressed his buttocks, circling like the flickering living heat that probed inside his mouth.

'It's all right, this is all right,' Gaddes murmured, wanting to soothe the alarm he had heard in that gasp. He honestly intended to respect Allen's wishes but he could not stop thinking that perhaps he didn't know what to wish for. It was only fair to show him some possibilities. It felt as though they were now in that dreamy state of arousal in which lovemaking would run on unstoppably as long as they were not interrupted, and what could possibly interrupt them now, bar an Act of God? Allen was not trying to pull away. _Bliss by friction, here we come._ He began to gently rock his hips against Allen's.

'I love you,' he tried to say; the words were lost in a tremulous kiss from Allen and became an inchoate moan.

His delight was cruelly, bewilderingly shattered as out of nowhere a rain of blows descended on his head from above; a maddened screeching filled his ears and he stumbled back, cursing and trying to protect himself with his raised arms from a blinding fusillade of feathery cuffs and snatching sharp talons.

‘Natal!’ Allen’s voice rang out sharply. ‘ _Natal!_ Stop it and come here! Come _here_ , I said!’ Gaddes heard him give a peremptory whistle and the attack stopped. He cautiously lowered his arms and opened one eye to see the owl settling itself on Allen’s upheld wrist, still puffing its feathers and snapping its beak with self-righteous indignation.

‘I’m sorry,’ said Allen, looking flustered and more dishevelled than Gaddes had realised his caresses had made him. ‘I’m ashamed of you!’ he added to the bird. ‘What got into you? You could have hurt him. Are you all right, Gaddes?’

‘I’ll live,’ said Gaddes, wiping with his sleeve at a scratch above his eye. ‘Your damn’ owl nearly had my eyes out, though. That vicious little sod’s had it in for me from day one.’ He didn’t want to appear vindictive but it was impossible to hide how much he hated Natal at that moment. The mood was completely destroyed; it wasn’t just that he wanted to wring the owl’s neck, but Allen was looking distraught, as if he thought this was a Sign or something.

The owl was sidle-strutting up and down Allen’s arm, and it took this opportunity to lower its head and hiss at Gaddes.

‘I said _stop_ it, Natal,’ Allen snapped. ‘You’re hurting my arm and making me - making me very cross.’ He glanced apologetically at Gaddes. ‘You do hear about pets being overprotective of their masters, don’t you? Resenting anyone else who becomes important to them.’

There wasn’t even any way to get close to him again with Natal perched as he was, and glaring at Gaddes with baleful round eyes. Gaddes raked his hands back through his hair and clasped them tightly at the back of his head, trying to calm or at least control himself. The sheer disappointment of it was agony.

‘I suppose,’ said Allen with a sigh, ‘we’d better go home.’

‘Oh no. Please, no. Don’t let that malevolent feather-duster bully you. Send him away or something. _Please_ , Allen.’

‘But he won’t go away now he’s got a bee in his bonnet about it,’ Allen said helplessly. ‘And really - really perhaps it’s for the best. It can’t be good for us to hang about on a cool spring night with wet clothes. Remember how sick you got last time something like this happened?’

‘All right,’ said Gaddes, a trace desperately, ‘we’ll go home to bed. Warm each other up.’ He knew that was a mistake as soon as he said it; Allen looked positively alarmed. The spell was broken now. ‘Or not,’ he said wearily, ‘whatever you want.’ He knew he should try harder to be nice about it but this felt like too much. He picked up the lantern, forgotten until now, and began to walk towards the treeline without further comment. He heard Allen follow him after a moment.

If he had thought about it at all, he had imagined that they would be walking back substantially later, in a sort of weak-legged haze of contentment. This felt like a nasty parody of a dream; intimacy was out of the question since Natal’s presence on Allen’s shoulder was as inhibiting as having a prim maiden aunt walking between them. Not satisfied with having ruined the evening, he seemed to feel it was his job to further chastise Allen, and would not leave him alone, tweaking at his hair and collar and nipping at his ear. When Allen, most uncharacteristically, gave an exclamation of annoyance and pain and tried to shrug him off, he simply fluttered round to the other shoulder and started the performance again there. After some time, drawing nearer to Gaddes, Allen made a hesitant attempt to take hold of his hand, which would almost have made up for everything had not Natal promptly emitted a hoot of outrage and struck him smartly over the ear with one wing.

‘I swear that owl thinks it’s got to chaperone you,’ Gaddes muttered.

‘ _Stuff_ him,’ said Allen wretchedly. ‘Gaddes, are you angry with me? Please don’t be angry with me.’

‘I’m _not_ angry with _you_ ,’ said Gaddes. ‘ _You_ haven’t done anything. And if you want him stuffed, I’d be happy to oblige. He’d look lovely under a glass shade with his feet nailed to a bit of wood. I could even find a dead mouse to stuff in his beak.’

‘Nearly home now,’ said Allen, trying to speak brightly. After the next turn in the path they would be able to see the gate-lights of the fort. As they came into view of the sentries, Natal gave a satisfied-sounding hoot and flew away. They returned home under a cloud of frustration and disappointment, and not a little mortification on Allen’s part; it was so painful to see Gaddes glowering like this and to know that it was to do with him, even if it was not directly his fault. Taking responsibility for others came so naturally to Allen that it was hard not to blame himself for anything that went wrong in a given situation. He felt guilty, too, and was not even sure whether this was because he had so eagerly given in to that confusing, passionate embrace or because he had felt a certain relief that it was allowed to go no further. After tonight he would have to take into account an entire complex of thoughts and feelings on Gaddes’ part, a response to himself that he had never consciously anticipated, and his own thoughts and feelings were in such disarray that he was not even sure of them. He did not know how to manage anything that had begun tonight; he wanted to let Gaddes show him what to do but the strangeness of it unnerved him even while the rightness of it overwhelmed him.

Gaddes watched him uncertainly; he was beginning to feel ashamed of himself for being so ill-tempered, but was afraid that making any gesture of tenderness or affection would startle Allen and drive another wedge between them. In any case, there was no way to say or do anything while they were among the others; the first-half night patrols were coming back and the second-half ones were preparing to go out, with the usual exchange of information and discussion of events. Gaddes’ scratched face attracted a lot of jovial sympathy, as did the explanation given for their wet clothes, that he had stumbled into a pond when Natal had (unprovoked) attacked him, and Allen had gotten soaked helping him out. With dismay, he saw Allen go away upstairs to bed while he was still stuck talking to a couple of men who wanted an explanation of an unclear new section on the map.

When he finally reached the corridor outside their rooms, though, Allen was sitting on the floor, his back against the wall, waiting. He rose quickly to his feet as Gaddes approached.

‘I’m so sorry about everything,’ he said. ‘Please, Gaddes, don’t think that I don’t love you.’

‘I know you do,’ said Gaddes. ‘Can we just forget about it, and try to figure something out tomorrow?’ This suggestion went very much against the grain; he wanted to beg to be allowed into Allen’s bed tonight, but was terrified of messing everything up by trying again for too much too soon.

‘I - yes, yes, all right. Tomorrow,’ Allen said. Now he was afraid that Gaddes would think he was eager to get away from him. ‘Good night,’ he said, and after glancing up and down the corridor to make sure no-one was about, hastily dotted a kiss against Gaddes’ cheek. The look in his eyes both reassured and unsettled him afresh, and he hurried into his room. With the door closed, at least it felt as though nothing else could happen until the sun came up and he had had time to calm down. With a determined effort to act sensibly, he took off his damp clothes, put on his nightrobe and wrapped his wet hair in a towel, before sitting down on the bed and putting his head in his hands. At first he rested his chin there, and the touch made him acutely conscious of how tender the skin around his mouth was; how Gaddes’ stubble had rasped against it as he kissed him; how the soft scratching had somehow been a pleasure, a rough counterpoint to the wet velvet of his exploring tongue.

 _He loves me and wants me. To think that he’s felt this for months, known he loved me and said and done nothing about it for fear of displeasing or repelling me. How could I ever stop loving Gaddes? And… and to love him this way… it’s so confusing, but when he was kissing me it came so easily. I can’t think about it, I can’t. He was so sweet to me. The look in his eyes. He wanted to make love, tonight, he was so sure about me, sure he wanted_ me _, with all that’s wrong with me._

 _How would he make love to me?_

He tried to put the thought out of his head; he cleaned his teeth and washed his face and made a stern effort to say his prayers with genuine concentration. Allen prayed every night, unless something exceptional prevented it, that Marlene and her son would be healthy and happy, that Celena was alive and well somewhere… that she was with someone who would know to leave a light on so she could get to sleep, that she was kindly treated, that one day, somehow, he would find her again and be able to protect her forever. He was not sure he could pray to get things right with Gaddes. He lay down in his bed and pulled the covers up over his shoulders.

 _How would he make love to me?_

His fingertips traced the slightly swollen borders of his lips. _He would kiss me. His special way. Perhaps… perhaps we would lie down together. His hands would stroke me and undress me. Wouldn’t they? Men would do that together, wouldn’t they? Here are my lover’s hands stroking me._ He hugged himself, drawing his hands down over his arms, then stroking down over his chest and stomach. After a moment’s hesitation he rolled on his front and cupped his hands around his buttocks, squeezing them as he remembered feeling Gaddes do. It made him feel… _caught_ , somehow, caught by surprise, both at the unanticipated touch and at his own response to it. _Kissing me, kissing me, holding me close, pressing up to let me feel - well - to feel_ that _._ His own cock stirred as he revisited in memory the pressure of Gaddes’ erection against his body. _Was he like that in the water? Has that ever happened before when we were together? Is it really me that makes him swell and stand?_

 _I think he would stroke my legs too, like this… I would like him to… would we be quite naked for this? Could I see him, everything? Would he like me to show him - show him like this, when I’m excited? I think his is bigger than mine. I wonder what it looks like, standing up from his body, straining up towards me. Does it get as red as mine does? Does it feel hot like this? Does he - does he think about me and touch it?_

This line of fantasy was all new to him; it was affecting him as nothing else ever had, making his pulse race, making the urge to play with himself so strong that it was a little alarming. His hands moved higher up his thighs, pushing up the folds of the cotton robe, then reaching eagerly underneath. _Gaddes’ hands. He strokes me and - ah! - tickles me under here, he knows how to touch me, he knows where to be gentle and where_ not _, he wraps his hand around and rubs hard. Up and down, up and down, he’s kissing me, kissing me, I move my hips like this, like they want to move. He’s squeezing me and loving me and all I can do is hold on and kiss him back, his other hand rubs my bottom and pulls me closer, it feels good good good I kiss him I love him I love him it feels so hot inside me and_

 _Oh_

 _It’s all rushing out of me, and he holds me tight, and he rubs it up and down… kissing me kissing me. Oh, it’s like thunderclouds bursting and rolling away. I’m dirty, I’m dirty. He… he likes me dirty… dirty, sleepy boy. Oh God…it’s all right, he tells me, go to sleep now, I love you, I’ll always love you._


	9. Chapter 9

Gaddes began the next day in mixed spirits. On the one hand, Allen knew all about him and hadn’t gone off him, which was all to the good; unbelievably so. On the other, the end of yesterday evening had been so discouraging that he was feeling somewhat doomladen, as though everything could and would still go horribly wrong. After Allen had kissed him goodnight, on the one hand he had cheered up a little, and on the other he had felt unable to go to sleep. He had gone out again, up to the roof to stare at the moons and try to work out what would happen next. What if Allen lost his nerve and asked to return to friendship? That seemed quite possible, and thoroughly painful. It was not something he wanted to dwell upon. He was just trying, in an effort to distract himself, to decide if the Mystic Moon looked blue because it was mostly water or if maybe the land there was blue too when he fell asleep.

He woke up freezing cold and covered in dew. It was not an auspicious start. This was the day of the week for deliveries to the fort, and in recent months it had become an unofficial second general market for the region, particularly as it was more convenient for swamp-dwellers than the journey downriver into Lamor. Everyone who had something to sell, regardless of whether the army were likely to want it, brought it along on the chance that it would be bought by another vendor. Even before breakfast time, the fort was beginning to fill up again with farmers, hunters, fishermen and their families, assorted hangers-on and livestock, and even, these days, occasional out-of-town merchants and gypsies. A hard-faced gypsy woman was telling fortunes in a waggon which Allen had politely requested to be parked outside the fort walls.

It was next to impossible for Gaddes to get to speak to Allen alone or even to catch his eye. It was hard to be sure whether he was simply having an unusually busy day or deliberately making himself busy in order to avoid a conversation. After a while he became gloomily certain that Allen was avoiding him on purpose and regretting last night to boot. He mooched off to the mess, where he found a rather floury last year’s apple and ate it leaning against a table, looking at the large wall map to see what had been added or altered after last night’s patrols got back. This was not a solitary pursuit; the swamp people also took a keen interest in the ongoing cartographical project and on market days there were always at least a few kids looking at the map and pointing out their houses to each other. Kio was also inspecting it, talking aloud to himself as he usually did when faced with the difficulty of reading. It seemed to encourage him.

‘The broken weir above Nandor’s farm’s down as repaired, that’s good to see, and it looks like they’ve finally sorted out the source of the Amabel stream… that blank bit up the top’s filling up nice, isn’t it Sarge? That’s where you were last night, right?’

‘Yeah,’ said Gaddes vaguely. ‘We didn’t see much, though. We sort of got sidetracked. I didn’t have anything much to add last night.’

‘The Boss must have put this bit in, then,’ said Kio. ‘Yeah, his handwriting. He does such boring names. Sweetheart Springs. What’s that supposed to mean?’

‘Beg your pardon?’ said Gaddes, through a mouthful of apple.

‘Sweetheart Springs,’ repeated Kio, tapping a spot on the map with his forefinger.

‘Well - well, it sounds like a name like that might have a story behind it. Something that means a lot to him,’ Gaddes said, trying not to let the goofy smile he could feel threatening to take over his face have its way. The sheer sentimentality of it charmed him.

‘And at least it’s a better name than - than Mount McTwattybollocks,’ he added, picking on the most exuberantly awful name the map featured. Oruto had called it that just to see what he could get away with without actually swearing, which Allen would never have put up with.

‘Well, yeah, I can see your point. It is a bit over the top,’ Kio agreed, nodding his head thoughtfully.

‘Totally.’

‘It’s not quite a _mountain._ More of a big hill.’

‘Um… yes,’ said Gaddes.

That threw a rather brighter light on the rest of the day, although Allen remained harried and elusive. Gaddes was not sure if the end of the day would find him on the rooftop, and he arrived in the sunset light alone. That was disappointing. He was just on the verge of making his mind up to go back down and see if there were any leftovers from dinner, in case stuffing his face would take his mind off his troubles, when Allen appeared over the edge of the roof, climbing up the ladder. He looked surprised, pleased and nervous to see Gaddes, all at once.

‘Hello,’ he said. ‘I didn’t know if you’d be here.’

‘Why wouldn’t I?’

‘I - I don’t know. I’m _glad_ you’re here.’ They stood in awkward silence for a moment.

‘We could just sit down like we always do,’ Gaddes suggested.

‘That would probably be a good idea,’ said Allen. They settled themselves facing the sunset, side by side but separate. A bird flew by, and Gaddes looked up in slight alarm, but it was only a woodpigeon.

‘You’re usually up here before me,’ he said, after an extended pause.

‘I went back to my room before I came here,’ Allen said. He ducked his head as though what he was saying embarrassed him. ‘I - well, I wanted to run a comb through my hair and make sure - make sure I looked nice for you.’

Gaddes considered that for a moment. ‘Well, you do,’ he said, smiling. ‘You look great tonight.’

‘I - I’m sorry everything was so hectic today,’ Allen went on, talking rather quickly and without looking Gaddes in the eye. ‘I couldn’t help it. The world and his wife seemed to want to talk to me. These unofficial markets are getting quite out of hand. I’m concerned that the gypsies may be a disruptive element, especially when they bring that fortune-telling woman - people do tend to get upset by that sort of thing - and while it’s good that merchant caravans feel it’s safer to use the swamp routes nowadays of course better cargo passing through the area may be an incentive to a new rise of banditry… we’re never going to be able to rest on our laurels here.’

‘You can rest now,’ said Gaddes, trying to stem the flow.

‘Yes. Yes, of course.’

‘I quite like the markets. I mean, it’s something to see what you can buy on the stalls these days. It used to be bare necessities around here, and now we’re getting a luxury or two.’ He paused, slightly embarrassed in turn, unsure whether this was a good idea or just naff. ‘I got you something.’

A small oblong paper box landed in Allen’s lap, and its contents rattled. He turned it over and looked inside. ‘Sugared almonds?’

‘I feel sort of dumb because I don’t even know if you like them. But I was looking around and I saw them, and I sort of thought… sweets for my sweetheart?’ He wasn’t sure why he was trying to make the same sort of gesture as Allen had; it didn’t quite fit his own style. He could feel himself blushing. He hadn’t realised the tentative awkwardness would continue into this phase. With Nichol it had been much simpler. Then again, it would never have occurred to Nichol to use a word like ‘sweetheart’ in anything but a sarcastic tone.

‘Oh,’ said Allen, in a small voice which nevertheless held undisguised pleasure. ‘What - what a nice thing to think of.’

A small snort of laughter escaped from Gaddes.

‘What are you laughing about?’

‘Us. I just realised what we remind me of. You running off to make yourself pretty before you see me, me bringing you candy, we’re like a proper little lady and gentleman courting.’

‘Oh no,’ said Allen, trying not to start laughing too. ‘Surely not.’

‘I’m just glad I don’t have to go to your house to pick you up and go through the whole rigmarole of coming in to meet your parents to be given the once-over.’

‘I can just hear my father,’ said Allen, and put on a pompous voice somewhat lower than his own. ‘So, young Samivel, what are your prospects? How many dead languages do you speak?’

‘Found any good lost cities lately?’ Gaddes chipped in. Finally, the ice was broken; Allen’s eyes were sparkling.

‘He wouldn’t like you. I’d have to defy him and elope with you. Serve him right. For making me laugh and calm down, you get first pick of the sugared almonds. We seem to have pink, blue, pale yellow and mauve. They’ll all taste the same, they always do.’

‘Surprise me,’ said Gaddes, closing his eyes and opening his mouth. For a moment he could not hear Allen move or speak, and was afraid he had gone too far again, but then he heard a slight rattle that must be an almond being chosen from the box. A moment later he felt the sweet touch his lips and closed them, unintentionally catching Allen’s fingertip. It turned into a kind of half-kiss before the hand was taken away. Allen was blushing when he opened his eyes, holding that hand with the other.

Gaddes wondered whether an apology was in order, but prudently decided that whatever the case it was most polite not to speak with his mouth full.

‘Did you like that?’ Allen asked, his voice sounding slightly off-key.

‘Yes.’ He was hardly aware of the sweet; the sugar-coating had melted off and the almond, stale and papery, had slipped into his cheek. ‘Did you?’

‘How could I, silly, it was you who had the sweet.’

‘Would you like me to give you one?’

‘All right,’ said Allen, almost eagerly, and closed his eyes. His lips parted gently, welcoming, trusting. The sunset light made his hair red-gold; involuntarily Gaddes thought of the secrets of his body and felt a little shiver of arousal. _It would be cheating to just kiss him. We play games together. I should keep the rules._ Hesitantly, he reached into Allen’s lap and took an almond from the box; he did not notice what colour its sugar-shell was. The only colours he could think of were the gold of Allen’s hair and the blush of his lips.

He placed the almond in his own mouth and leaned forward to kiss Allen’s, pressing in against the smothered sound of surprise in the boy’s throat, softly flicked his tongue against his lips to request entrance, and when it was granted gently pushed the almond in. He drew back to see how Allen was taking this. His eyes were open, must have flickered open in his surprise at the kiss; they were darkened by dilation as they had been last night in the moonlight. He looked flustered and uncertain, but there was no suggestion of dismay. He bit down on the almond; Gaddes heard the crunch. The nut in his own mouth had gone so soft that he was able to swallow it whole. Allen looked embarrassed at having to chew and swallow at a moment like this.

Somewhere below them, in the open yard of the fort, someone began to strum a guitar, rambling through the opening measures of different tunes as he tried to decide what he actually wanted to play.

‘Oh, listen,’ Allen said, as if grateful for the distraction. ‘Who would that be?’

‘Lashan,’ said Gaddes, ‘I suppose. If we were the gentry like I was talking about I might have taken you out to hear some of that chamber music you used to listen to. This is about the best we can offer here.’

‘You can’t kiss while you listen to that kind of music,’ Allen said. ‘Everyone can see you.’

‘And up here, no-one can see us.’ _Am I tempting you?_

‘I did talk about that, didn’t I?’ Allen said reminiscently. ‘About listening to music arm-in-arm. I wish I could do that with you. I suppose, though, I’d have to take you to Pallas, and I can’t imagine what would give us the opportunity to do that.’

‘So just pretend,’ said Gaddes. ‘The important things are all here. You, me, some music - so I’ll put my arm around you and you imagine you’re anywhere you want.’

With his head leaning on Gaddes’ shoulder, Allen laughed softly when the unseen guitarist settled on a tune and began to sing; his choice was almost too appropriate to be coincidental.

Oh I wish I was in Pallas town,

The weather’s not so good.

The wind it cuts right through you,

And it rains more than it should.

But I’d be there tomorrow

If I only could.

Oh I wish I was in Pallas town….

I wish I was in Pallas town,

The aristocracy!

The merchants and the sailing ships

Along Jeture’s quay

The harbour city capital, the lights beside the sea

Oh I wish I was in Pallas town…

It just isn’t practical, you there in the capital

And me here on this little swampy island

The problem is the gap between us on the map

And there’s no easy way to reconcile it.

Oh I wish I was in Pallas town

The cafés and the bars

The music and the-yay-ter,

And the old bazaar

And canals go everywhere so nowhere’s very far

Oh I wish I was in Pallas town…

Oh I wish…

Oh I wish I was in Pallas town,

The wind it cuts right through.

I wish I was in Pallas town,

There’s so much more to do.

I wish I was in Pallas town and you wish I was too,

I wish I was in Pallas town ‘cause then I’d be with you.

 

‘I’ve never heard a song take so long to get to the point,’ Gaddes commented.

‘Or find so many other reasons to go to Pallas,’ Allen murmured. ‘Despite the winter weather. I wonder who he’s missing in Pallas?’

‘And does she miss him too? Or is he kidding himself?’

‘I _hope_ she does,’ said Allen seriously. ‘Of course, I have no-one to miss or to miss me back there. All there is for me to miss is… as he said, things like the music and theatre.’

‘The-yay-ter,’ Gaddes corrected, smiling. He was currently feeling very good indeed, with Allen leaning against him so peacefully and comfortably.

‘And missing them is nothing like as bad as missing you would be - if I _were_ back there and you were still here.’ Allen raised his head to look into Gaddes’ eyes. ‘They’re only little things, pretty trimmings on life. Sugared almonds.’

‘So you don’t feel dissatisfied, being stuck here?’

‘Not as long as you’re stuck too.’ Feeling that he was being very daring, Allen kissed Gaddes’ mouth. He thought he was becoming a little less clumsy in this, and it was something far sweeter to him than sugar. He felt hungry; no, greedy. Gaddes responded to his kisses gently, undemandingly, and somehow that was not enough. He wanted to feel that he was loved and desired without reservation, even while the thought of such desire frightened him. _I want to know and prove that I_ can _make him lose control, but not to make him lose it._ He pressed his body closer against Gaddes’, wishing he had a clearer idea of what one _did_.

‘I love you,’ he whispered, hoping those were magic words, hoping he had that power. ‘Love you so much…’

‘D’you remember the last time you kissed me and told me you loved me “so much”?’ Gaddes asked, nuzzling against Allen’s earlobe.

‘Did I say that last night?’

‘Long before last night.’ A soft, nibbling kiss.

‘I - I don’t understand what you mean.’

‘The night of your seventeenth birthday.’ He blew into Allen’s ear, making him shiver. ‘That’s the _other_ awful thing you did, in case you’ve ever wondered.’

‘I - I didn’t.’ Allen pulled back, trying to see if there was a hint of laughter in Gaddes’ eyes, something to say that he was joking. ‘Did I?’

‘Yes, you did.’ There was nothing in his gaze but ardent tenderness, naked and undisguised.

‘Why didn’t you _tell_ me?’

‘I didn’t think I could. You didn’t seem to remember anything about it and I didn’t know how you felt then. Do you know how hard it was to feel you kiss me, and to lie there with you asleep in my arms, thinking you didn’t love me the way I loved you? I wanted you so much.’ He kissed the side of Allen’s neck, working at his collar with a finger, progressing gently downwards. Allen felt the silk scarf at his throat loosen and slide with a sensation that was first cousin to panic. He could feel heat against his skin, a pulsing, sliding suction that drew the deepest heat of his body to the surface.

‘I wanted to wake you and kiss you all over,’ Gaddes murmured. ‘Would you like that, now? Do you like the way I’m kissing you?’

‘Y-es.’ Allen felt that he was being gently tipped backwards, guided to lie down. _Don’t be scared_ , he told himself. _You’ve lain down with him before, it’s been fine. But nothing happened_ then _. But… but it’s Gaddes, I can trust him, he won’t do anything bad…isn’t this all bad? I - I think I want it… I don’t know what ‘it’ is._ He felt his shoulderblades bump against the adobe of the rooftop; he hadn’t realised how tense his back was.

‘Just relax,’ Gaddes was telling him softly, stroking his neck, his shoulders, ‘it’s all right. It’s all right. We can stop if you want to, but give me a chance…’

‘I don’t want to stop,’ Allen said, ‘I just don’t know - I don’t know what we’re _doing_.’ It made him feel clumsy all over again, and embarrassingly young and stupid, to see and feel how easily Gaddes moved, how naturally he had taken up this position astride Allen’s body, not yet lowering his weight upon him. He seemed to hover above him like a lover in a dream.

‘You do,’ said Gaddes, sounding affectionately amused. ‘You’ve done this before.’

‘When?’ Allen asked, honestly puzzled. ‘I thought I only kissed you once when I was drunk. Why’re you laughing? You are laughing, aren’t you?’ He could feel little puffs of breath against his neck, Gaddes chuckling silently.

‘I hope you don’t forget me as fast as you’re forgetting Marlene,’ Gaddes said, kissing his throat again, a warm cheerful smack with a tickle of laughter in it. _So much for the beautiful princess._

‘That was nothing like this!’ Allen protested. ‘And - and I’m not forgetting her, but you wouldn’t want me to think of her while I’m with you, would you? I _can’t_ think of her when you kiss me.’

‘Thank you,’ Gaddes whispered. ‘Tell me why it’s not like that.’ He returned to nipping at Allen’s collarbone, working at the second button of his shirt. He could hear Allen’s breathing turning to fluttering shudders; placing his hand over his heart he could feel it thumping.

‘Because… because I didn’t feel like this. Because… it’s not sad… it’s not desperate… and… and you’re not grabbing me.’ Another soft explosion of smothered laughter against his skin.

‘Want me to grab you?’ A hand sliding up his thigh; suddenly he realised that Marlene had been as clumsy a fumbler as he had; the only reason she knew how he should touch her body was that it was her own. She had touched his hastily, urgently, with desire but without comprehension. When Gaddes touched him it would be different.

Gaddes found his hand suddenly trapped between Allen’s thighs, pressing together tensely.

‘Or not,’ he said evenly. ‘Can I have my hand back?’

‘I can’t,’ Allen said. ‘Not up here. Anyone could come along and see us.’

‘No-one ever _does_ come along while we’re up here,’ Gaddes pointed out.

‘I feel as if everyone can see me.’ Allen sat up, hitching himself away backwards.

‘No-one can see you, but if you’re not comfortable outdoors we’ll go inside. It’s not a problem. Don’t look so worried, love.’ He moved to kiss Allen, to try to soothe him back into welcoming their closeness.

‘I want to stop,’ Allen said urgently, scrambling to his feet. ‘Stop now.’

‘I thought you were enjoying it,’ said Gaddes, dismayed beyond words. ‘Can’t you tell me what I’ve done wrong? I didn’t want to upset you.’ He was still on his knees, looking up beseechingly. ‘Please, just sit down again. I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to. Please?’ Perhaps humour would break the ice again. ‘Pretty please?’

‘I can’t,’ Allen said again, backing towards the ladder. ‘I have to go. I can’t possibly.’

‘Why not?’ Gaddes almost wailed. He was gone; the last glimpse he got was Allen’s hair lifting and swirling like a pennant in the cold breeze that swept across the rooftop. The silk scarf had fallen and threatened to blow away; he caught it and sat huddled up, his face pressed into its soft crumpled folds, breathing in the scent of Allen’s skin, deep, shuddering breaths that threatened to become sobs. It wasn’t just the frustration, the denial that seemed so cruel after the offering of such hope; it was the pain of seeing Allen draw back with fear and confusion and distrust in his eyes. _What does he imagine I’m going to do? What’s he afraid of? Am I all wrong, wanting to make love to him? I can’t help it. I can never be pure and cold like that. If I love, I love with all my body, not just my heart._

 _Is it because I reminded him of Marlene? Does he feel like he’s betraying her with me?_

 _Is he just back to his old hobbyhorse of wanting so-called safe love?_

A few hot tears soaked into the crumpled silk.

 _I don’t understand. It was supposed to be all right now._

 

He stayed on the roof for a long time, while sunset faded and night descended. He heard the night patrols go out, men calling to each other, everyday voices, nothing out of the ordinary happening to them. He should be down there giving orders, directing them to their sectors for the night. He stayed where he was. Someone seemed to be taking care of it. Perhaps that was Allen. No-one was looking for him. The night was turning cold. He heard an owl’s hunting cry.

‘Oh, fuck off,’ he said, as if Natal could hear him. It was salt in the wound. He pushed himself to his feet, stuffing the scarf into his pocket, and went to the ladder. There was no mileage in staying up here to catch his death again. _Be sensible. Come on, did you really expect it to work out? Did you really think you weren’t an idiot to get your hopes up? He’s not like you, not gagging for it, so desperate he makes a fool of himself._

He made his way to his room, passing Allen’s forbiddingly closed door before turning in at his own, and started to undress for bed, pulling off his boots and throwing them against the wall. _Who cares if he hears. If he can’t sleep tonight either, good._ He was down to his shirt and underwear when he heard the tapping through the wall he shared with Allen, a soft, hesitant knocking.. He stood frozen with his hands halfway to pulling his shirt, unbuttoned at the neck, off over his head. There was no more sound for long enough for him to begin to think the tapping had been imaginary or coincidental; perhaps Allen had simply rolled over heavily in his sleep and the headboard of the bed had knocked against the wall. If he _was_ in there asleep; there was no way to determine that from this side.

Then the tapping came again, accompanied by a hushed voice.

‘Gaddes? Can you hear me?’

For a moment he felt perversely tempted to say ‘No.’

‘Gaddes?’ Allen sounded upset. It was impossible to be cold when he imagined the look that he knew would be on his face.

‘I’m here,’ Gaddes said. He ducked under the hanging hammock and put his hand to the wall. ‘What’s the matter?’

‘Are you angry with me?’ Allen pressed his ear against the wall, straining to hear; Gaddes seemed to have gone silent. After a long pause he answered.

‘I’m… I’m not _happy_ with you. I don’t believe you mean to do it, but the way you’re behaving… I can’t handle being teased like this. You know how I feel about you. If you’re not sure you feel the same way, please, don’t… don’t start anything you’re not sure you want to finish. It’d be a relief for me and I think you’d be more comfortable too. You obviously don’t really like it when we get too close, so… okay… never mind.’

‘That’s not fair,’ Allen said quietly. ‘I don’t start everything. And you’re the one who keeps asking me to give you a chance and let you try something. I don’t know how to say no at first. I get all confused, and I don’t know whether I’m going to _want_ to say no when you’re starting to do something I know nothing about.’

Gaddes leaned his forehead against the wall. ‘I love you,’ he said, ‘and I want to make love to you. That’s all I know now. I know I’m being unreasonable but I can’t help it. I don’t want to make you unhappy. I’m telling you, I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to. I just need to know what you want.’

‘I _do_ want you to touch me! Please… Gaddes, could you come in here to my room? I can’t talk to you properly through a wall. Please. I promise it’s not a tease. I - I can’t sleep without seeing you.’

Gaddes sighed. ‘All right. You know I can’t really say no to you.’

‘Can’t you?’ Allen sounded surprised.

Gaddes could not be bothered to get dressed again. No-one would see him except Allen, who could just deal with it as far as he was concerned. In any case, he was technically decent. It felt strange to walk in the corridor barefoot. Allen’s door was still closed. He knocked quietly.

‘Come in.’

He turned the handle and opened the door, feeling very conscious of each mechanical step of the action, of the arc described by the door as it swung into the room. The room was lit only by one candle on the little table beside the bed. Allen was sitting up, his arms around his quilt-covered knees. He looked up at Gaddes, his face earnest and troubled.

‘Shut the door behind you,’ he said, ‘and come here… please.’

‘Yes, Boss,’ said Gaddes, a little sarcastically. He crossed the room and stood by the bed as if awaiting orders.

‘Please don’t behave this way,’ Allen said. ‘I’m sorry I’ve upset you. I would rather cut my heart out than hurt my dearest friend. Won’t you just sit down and let me speak to you the way I always have?’

Gaddes sat down on the edge of the bed; he was beginning to feel cruel, seeing the look on Allen’s face, so he manufactured a brief smile to reassure him. Allen smiled back, gingerly. His raised knees made a barrier between them.

‘I want to apologise for running away from you today,’ he said quickly. ‘I should have been more sensible. I became afraid because… because my feelings were so strong. When I was kissing you I kept thinking that I wanted to feel I had the power to make you lose control, to make you overcome with desire -‘

‘Which you do,’ Gaddes put in.

‘But,’ Allen said, drawing in his breath as if preparing for a momentous utterance, ‘I hadn’t thought enough about the power you have over me. When I thought of you touching me the way Marlene had, I realised I would lose control, I would be - even more passionate than with her, even more blind and hungry. There would be no way to stop myself, no will to stop myself, and I would give myself up to you as I did with her… and I don’t know what it will be like and things went so badly with Marlene that it frightens me. My passions have never gotten me into anything but trouble. I love you so much, so much more than I’d realised I could feel love… it means losing myself in you entirely, which I am afraid to do. That’s all. But once I was alone I knew that… that however much I feared it I wanted it more… and when I heard you come in and start getting ready for bed I had to try… I want to, um…’ He was looking at his fingers as he spoke, pleating together the edge of the bedspread. ‘I want to surrender.’

‘I - pardon?’ Gaddes was a little lost now; the change of tack had thrown him, and once again what he was hearing seemed too good to be true.

‘I want you to - to go ahead and do what you would have done if there had been no interruption. I want to make love with you. I promise you I do. I might get nervous or frightened along the way, but you mustn’t let me bolt again. If we’re here in my own bed I can’t make excuses. I have asked you in here and offered myself to you and there is no taking it back. Please… show me what to do. I’ve tried so hard to imagine it and I can’t.’ He let out a shuddering breath, as if the worst was over. ‘You might at least say something, Gaddes.’

‘Yes?’

‘Please don’t pretend you haven’t _heard_ me!’

‘I meant yes to what you said. If you really mean it. You’ll let me stay here all night?’

‘Will you need all night?’ asked Allen, looking startled. It made Gaddes chuckle; it was a relief to laugh a little at this stage.

‘No, but I do expect to want to sleep at some stage afterwards, and you will too. You’ll let me stay? You’ll sleep in my arms?’

‘Oh yes,’ said Allen. ‘That part is easy.’ He was starting to look anxious, but was clearly making an effort to control his nerves.

‘And this time,’ Gaddes went on, ‘if there’s anything you’re not sure about, anything you don’t think you like, or anything you just don’t understand or want to know more about, _ask me_ instead of freezing up. All right? I’ll go very slowly and I can stop whenever necessary, within reason. And remember I love you… and remember all I want to do is please you.’ He leaned forward and kissed Allen on the cheek, just a whisper of a kiss.

‘All right,’ said Allen, carefully. His voice was sounding tight and thin again, although it had a little tremble to it that sounded rather eager. ‘What should I do?’

‘I’ve told you, you _know_ what to do, for a beginning anyway. I’ll talk to you too, I’ll tell you what I’m doing and what I need from you. Just try to relax. You’ll enjoy it more that way.’

‘Should I get undressed?’

Gaddes paused, thinking about it. ‘Not right away,’ he said. ‘There’s no reason to rush. You could let me get under the covers, though. There’s not a lot I can do through an eiderdown.’

‘Sorry,’ said Allen, hastily making room and holding up the covers to let Gaddes slip in beside him. ‘I should have thought, I should…’

‘Don’t worry about it,’ Gaddes said, trying to calm him. He was already becoming excited just by the feeling of lying beside Allen, with the warmth of the covers over them and nothing between them but a space that could easily be closed.

‘Well, I want to please you too, I don’t want to get everything wrong and make a mess of it and…’ Gaddes closed his mouth with a kiss.

‘You’re not going to get it wrong,’ he whispered. ‘I’m not going to care if you make mistakes. Just the fact that you are here with me, and you love me, and I’m allowed to touch you, is perfect. You seriously _can’t_ muck that up. Anything you do on top of that is going to be a bonus. So stop worrying so much, and lie down, and let me be in charge. I’m older than you and must know better.’ He kissed him again. ‘That’s a joke, by the way. We don’t have to be deadly serious. The whole thing is pretty silly when you think about it. It isn’t meant to be a solemn ritual or some kind of elegant dance. It’s just something very nice for you and me to do together because we’re in love. All right? Think of it like that. We’re going to have fun.’ With his hands on Allen’s shoulders, he guided him to lie down, and lay beside him looking into his eyes. There was a dreamy peacefulness about this, no urgency. A whole night, uninterrupted…

‘I’m stupid,’ Allen said.

‘Why?’ He began to stroke Allen’s hair. It felt slightly damp, cool against his fingers.

‘Because I spent so much time imagining making love with you and liking it as long as it was imaginary… and then getting frightened when it was real.’

‘I thought you said you couldn’t imagine what it would be like.’

‘I can’t. I can only imagine you touching me the way I would touch myself.’

Enjoying the delicacy of the movement, Gaddes tucked a strand of hair back behind Allen’s ear. ‘That’s pretty much what I’m going to do.’

‘Seriously?’

‘Seriously. Unless you have some pretty funny ways of touching yourself there won’t be too many surprises at first.’

‘Oh,’ said Allen, brightening up perceptibly. This was a great weight off his mind.

‘Hadn’t you worked that out, sweetheart? Give me a kiss…’ The dream-feeling continued as he drew Allen closer to him, feeling his lips part easily, without resistance or uncertainty. This, at least, had become familiar to both of them, and they could begin to enjoy it for its own sake, without the confusion that attended the pleasure of novelty. After a while, he thought, it would be him guiding Allen along again, but for now they were more or less equal partners, taking and giving pleasure with some confidence.

‘I have a question,’ Allen said suddenly, drawing back.

‘What, already? Go on, then.’

‘Is kissing like this, with your tongue, a men-together thing or just a Gaddes thing?’

‘I _beg_ your pardon?’

‘Is that an insulting question?’ Allen looked worried.

‘No, I just can’t believe you don’t know. Surely you kissed Marlene like this.’

‘No.’ Allen shook his head slowly.

‘I don’t know if the word for you is “ignorant” or “innocent”.’

‘Does _everyone_ know about this?’

‘Don’t _panic_ , love.’

‘It’s not very nice of you to laugh at me.’

‘I’m not laughing _at_ you… I just think you’re very cute.’

‘Don’t be so patronising,’ Allen scolded him, but there was a hint of amusement in his voice.

‘And I have a question, why is your hair wet?’

‘I washed it before I went to bed. Smell me, I’m all clean.’ Bubbles of laughter rose up again as Gaddes nuzzled into the side of his neck, making rapturous snuffling sounds.

‘Mm. Soap!’

‘You’re really quite weird.’

‘You don’t say. Rosewater soap. You _girl_.’

‘I _warned_ you I was effeminate.’

‘And I _told_ you you’re not.’ Gaddes laid a trail of kisses along the line of Allen’s collarbone, working down to the little central dent, where he lingered a moment, softly flicking the tip of his tongue up and down.

‘I - I always bathe at night, although of course I have to do it at the washstand, standing up in a little tub,’ Allen said. ‘I like to go to bed feeling clean, and - can I ask for something? Could you, um, do the other side too, before you go any lower?’

‘Course I could. I wonder why I didn’t know that? About your bathing habits, I mean.’

‘You usually go to bed quite a bit later than me,’ Allen pointed out. ‘Even when we come back in from night patrol at the same time - you go off talking to people, or go to the mess and have a cup of tea or something. I hear you come in when I’m already in bed, reading or writing my diary. It’s rather soothing listening to you moving around getting ready for bed… knowing your night sounds. Oh!’ This last was because Gaddes had found by chance a sensitive place between shoulder and neck. Encouraged, he started gently but persistently working at it with lips and tongue, then switched to stroking with his fingers so he could whisper in Allen’s ear.

‘You know, it’s a good thing I didn’t know? If I’d had to imagine you standing there naked, bathing yourself… I wouldn’t have slept much this past year.’

‘You could… you could come in and watch me from now on. If… if that’s the kind of thing you’d like, I mean…’

‘You must know I’d like it. Can I go lower now? Has your neck had enough?’

‘For now. Um - if you were going to watch me, could I watch you?’ Allen was trying to keep himself calm by talking, but he was not sure it would prove an effective strategy, or even if calmness were a desirable state. Gaddes was unfastening the button that held the front of the soft cotton robe together; it was sliding open; he was slipping it down over Allen’s arms, uncovering his shoulders and chest, continuing to nuzzle softly against his neck, not even looking yet at his nakedness.

‘I love the thought of you watching me,’ he murmured, the soft vibration of the words adding to the sweet tickle of the caress. ‘Help me, here - arms out of sleeves - is this all right? Let me kiss you…’ He returned to Allen’s mouth, kissing softly and then with more pressure, catching Allen’s lower lip between his teeth and gently biting before releasing him.. Allen had been unsure how to move; now his arms closed around Gaddes’ body without hesitation and he reached up to stroke his hair. He felt fingernails drawn lightly across the bare skin of his back and shivered.

‘How can scratching and biting feel good?’

‘Don’t ask me. You make it sound like a cat fight.’

‘You _said_ ask questions.’

‘I know… I don’t always have answers… don’t worry about it. Kiss me more.’ He was losing track of what he had meant to do; it was so delightful just to meander around like this, with Allen pressing kiss after kiss into his mouth, like swallowing sip after sip of sweet strong wine until it made his head spin. To his astonishment, Allen reached behind him, took one of his hands and guided it down to his rear. His fingers spread and tightened almost involuntarily, and he heard a soft, throaty little moan of pleasure, something close to a purr. _I can’t believe he is not only letting me grab his ass, he’s inviting me to do it. I need him on top of me._ He slid his hand down under Allen’s thigh, pulling it up over his own hip as he rolled onto his back. _Yes. I am lying in bed with Allen sitting astride me. Now this is what you call a successful evening._

‘Am I squashing you?’ Allen asked anxiously. He sat up, sweeping his hair back from his flushed face with his hands.

‘Oh no. No, stay right there. I just want to look at you.’ _Look at you, sitting there with your nightclothes pushed down round your waist and hiked up round your hips, knowing I love you, starting to feel how gorgeous you are and what you can do to me._

‘Well, I’ll look at you too,’ said Allen. ‘I always have liked the look of you.’

‘Of me?’

‘Of you… I always thought you had wonderful olivey skin. I’ve wished I were golden-brown like you. I’m too pale.’

‘You have skin like a peach.’

‘So _that’s_ why you want to bite me. I don’t know why I was so nervous,’ Allen said with a little smile. ‘I like this. Do you think maybe I only needed to be somewhere comfortable?’ He was playing with Gaddes’ shirt-tails, and seemed almost unaware of what he was sitting on. ‘Could I… you know, unbutton you?’

‘You certainly could.’ _I_ love _how bold he’s getting now._ He concentrated on keeping still, on not interfering while Allen unbuttoned his shirt from the bottom up, working his way back to a kiss, now lying on top of him, an embrace of bare warm skin.

‘You’re still more manly than me,’ Allen murmured, ‘you have hair on your chest.’

‘Oh, big deal.’ _I can’t believe – just can’t believe – that I am allowed to stroke his legs while he kisses me, stroke higher and touch his bare ass, and feel him sigh and squirm against me… this is not the boy the princess had. Good God, Allen, you’re basically naked – how did you get this far?_

‘Gaddes?’ Allen breathed.

‘Mm?’

‘You – um – you said you were going to touch me the way I’d touch myself…’

‘And?’

‘And – and I would be ready for you to do that now… if you want to…’

‘You know I want to.’ Kissing him deeply, Gaddes rolled Allen back across the bed.

‘Oh, wait.’

‘Wait?’ _Oh, no, not now._

‘I have another question. It’s a silly one.’

‘Go on, then. How silly is “silly”?’

‘I – I just thought – should I still be calling you Gaddes now? I mean – it doesn’t sound terribly affectionate to use your surname – would you like me to say Samivel now, or Sam, or…?’

Gaddes raised himself on hands and knees, trying to think. ‘Um… no, I want you to call me what you’ve always called me.’

‘But you say Allen now and not Boss. I just thought…’

‘It’s different. The last person who called me Sam or anything like it was you know who from the Tragic Past. It’s… it’s funny, I guess, because I told you to call me Gaddes in the first place because I didn’t want to be over-friendly… but because that’s the name you call me it’s the name I like best now. Who else calls me that? I’m Sarge to all the rest of the guys. When you call me that I feel kind of special.’

‘So it’s all right to keep going as I am?’

‘Yes – problem solved?’

‘Oh, yes.’

‘Good, because I’ve just remembered I never did kiss lower than your neck and I’ve got to make up for that.’

‘Oh…’ Allen raised his hands to Gaddes’ head again, guiding him down, stroking the back of his neck. He had observed before that Gaddes was a well-formed young man, had been used to his warm physical presence and even sought it, but he had never quite realised how it would be to touch the smooth, firm muscle of his shoulders and feel that body labouring over his own. It made him feel weak with love.

‘I’ve just noticed I gave you some little love-bites here before… you’re a bruised peach.’

Allen closed his eyes, trying to catch his breath as kisses descended down the line of his jaw, the side of his neck, the curve of his collarbone, a warm sliding line down the centre of his chest; hands framing his face, his shoulders, sliding down to his chest; he felt his nipples grow hard against Gaddes’ palms, a tightening he associated with cold, not with the rising, lapping heat he felt now. Fingers working over those two hard little buttons, stroking and pinching. _How can what you do up here make me feel so much down there?_ On the right, thumb circling, tickling; on the left, sudden heat and wetness and firm, living lips; deep, drawing suction that dropped away to the fluttering tip of a tongue, then surged again. He tried to speak and could only whimper.

Gaddes felt Allen’s body arch under him, felt the swollen nipple under his tongue and gave in to his urge to very gently bite. The boy gasped and quivered; the fingers of his left hand clenched amid Gaddes’ hair while the right tried awkwardly, blindly, to help with the manipulation of the other nipple. His breath came rapidly, hoarsely, his lips shining wet.

‘Please… more, other side. Gaddes, don’t stop!’

‘Just for a second… just let me…’ He was fumbling with the knotted sash of the nightrobe, which had managed to get itself twisted round and pulled tight. It took some effort to wrench it loose and push the tangled fabric away; then he was overwhelmed by the knowledge that Allen was naked beneath him. He dropped his head to work at the left side of Allen’s chest while his right hand dove down over his taut belly to find and grip the warm, hard shaft of his cock. He felt it almost jump at the first touch, pulsing and tightening in his hand, as Allen cried out and arched his back. He was too excited himself to work with any delicacy now; he squeezed and pumped and felt his heart skip at every one of Allen’s urgent moans.

 _I want more, more of him,_ give _him more._ Hasty, wet kisses down over the chest and belly, holding the hot shaft with both hands while backing up on his knees, deep breath and take it in. He closed his eyes and swirled his tongue against the tender tip of Allen’s erection while he sucked, holding steady as the boy’s hips bucked upward and his whole body shook with tense pleasure.

‘Oh God – Gaddes, please… you don’t… oh! Oh please, yes! Yes!’ He grabbed hold of the pillow under his head, feeling as if his arms would lash wildly if he didn’t restrain them somehow, bracing his splayed legs against the mattress and forcing his hips up, feeling the wet sucking heat slide up and down, drawing his burning blood down to its embrace, reaching and rubbing a frantic itch inside him, bearing down on what had always needed to be touched, finally reaching a breaking point that released every tight-drawn nerve and slammed him to the bed, gasping and weeping and almost laughing with delight.

A few seconds later he felt Gaddes kiss him again, blind and hungry; a salty taste and sticky warmth on his lips, and breath of loving desire.

‘Did I make you happy?’

Allen was unable to answer except with feverish kisses.

‘You must be happy, you came like a geyser going off.’

‘Very… oh, _very_ happy.’

‘Has anyone ever done that to you before?’

‘You know they haven’t.’

‘Do you want anyone else?’

‘No… no, I want only you forever.’ In this kiss, he felt as if his soul entered Gaddes’ body.

‘Love you.’

‘Love you so much… Gaddes, why’re you shaking?’

‘Just touch me. Please touch me.’ He felt his hand grabbed and thrust inside the waist of Gaddes’ underwear, and understood in time to take hold and clumsily guide him to a climax. Gaddes collapsed on top of him, panting for air. Allen lay still, wondering at the feeling of his weight, stroking the still-erect member he held.

I’ve just made love… really, me… the man whose… thing is softening in my hand is my lover. Gaddes is my lover.

‘Mmm…’ Gaddes pressed another kiss into the side of Allen’s neck, tasting salty sweat. ‘All right?’

‘You said you weren’t going to surprise me. I was _extremely_ surprised just now.’

‘I only said no surprises _at first_ … besides, that’s a nice surprise, right?’

‘Yes.’ They lay still for a while now, listening to one another’s slackening breathing. Somewhere outside someone laughed; some lonely night-bird called and another answered.

‘Did I do a good job for you?’ Allen asked.

‘Perfect.’

‘Because I wasn’t really sure what I was doing.’

‘That didn’t matter at all, love. Am I getting too heavy on top here?’

‘I like how heavy you feel. I want to be very close to you.’

‘Do you feel sleepy now?’

‘Not very. Peaceful, but not sleepy.’

‘How do you feel about another go-round, once you’ve recovered a bit?’

‘Really?’

‘I love how easily impressed you are. “Really?” Did you hear yourself? You’re sweet.’ _I can’t stop smiling._ Tenderly, he stroked Allen’s hair, feeling that the two of them floated together in a warm little pool of intimacy and quiet.

‘When we go round again…’

‘Yes?’

‘Will you, um…’ A shy smile, veiled eyes.

‘Will I what?’ A kiss for encouragement.

‘Will it be the same as this first time, or will there be other surprises?’

‘More surprises, definitely.’

‘I don’t know how I’m going to cope. You startled me enough this time. Kissing me here…’ he traced his fingers over his chest ‘… I didn’t even realise I had _feeling_ here. Any more than usual, I mean. Is it the same for you?’ His fingers strayed to Gaddes’ chest, a ticklish exploration.

‘You’re learning so fast.’

‘I’m still very innocent-ignorant. I still want you to explain things. I was astonished when you – you know, when you did that thing with your mouth. Down here. I would never have thought of that.’

‘But you liked it.’

‘And you didn’t mind?’

‘I chose to do it, sweetie. On purpose and everything. Want me to do it again?’

‘Seriously?’

‘Seriously.’

‘And – and could I sit up, so I could watch you?’

‘Yes.’

‘Everything is _allowed_ with you, isn’t it?’

‘Everything that’s any good. Come on. Let’s give you a treat.’ Their bodies moved easily over the tumbled sheets; the covers had slipped back, but that was no discomfort. With the pillows at his back, Allen sat leaning against the headboard, mildly high on the feeling of daring, the feeling that he was beautiful, the feeling that he could have whatever he asked for and would even be presented with new and unheard-of, unasked-for delights. This bed, this room, made up an enchanted space in which secrets unfolded themselves and enfolded him; Gaddes knew every secret and soon he would know too.

And I can sit here, naked, with my legs apart, and I am not being wicked, not being dirty, not getting anyone into trouble. He will open all the secrets with me and then we’ll hide them all in one, great, warm secret of our own. He wants to see me, he wants to look, and I can look back so boldly and invite him onward. The boy in the picture must have felt like this.

Gaddes knelt in front of him, in the V of his spread legs, and kissed his mouth, gently, placing his hands above Allen’s knees and sliding them slowly and firmly up over his thighs; they passed up to his hips and slipped down again, a rhythmic sweep whose arc decreased a little with each pass. The pressure of his thumbs traced a thick warm line along the tense inner thighs on each inward sweep.

‘It feels like you’re marking a blaze to show where you’re going,’ Allen murmured.

‘Well, this time I want to do it properly. Slowly, and gently, and with lots of attention to detail.’ He looked down, admiring what was taking shape between his hands.

‘And – and you haven’t even touched it yet,’ Allen said a little breathlessly. ‘Go on.’

‘No… we’re going slowly.’ His thumbs brushed red-gold curls and he felt Allen’s body shudder. ‘Is that nice?’

‘Mm…’ His eyes closed for a moment.

‘And I _am_ getting closer.’

‘You’re enjoying tormenting me.’

‘Only teasing you a little bit.’

‘Why does it feel so different with your hands? I wouldn’t feel half so excited if I were stroking myself this way.’

‘I’ve always thought… it’s because you know what your own hands are going to do next… and because you can feel what you’re touching at the same time as you feel it being touched. This way there’s a bit of suspense.’ He stroked higher up, over flat stomach muscle.

‘The _suspense_ is killing me.’ A wry half-grin.

‘But, like a good boy, you’re being very patient.’ His hands slipped down and closed around rising warmth; Allen’s eyes flicked closed again as he drew in a delighted gasp.

‘Now will you rub it?’ he asked.

‘Or _im_ patient. Maybe I’ll just take my hands away.’

‘Oh, no!’ He sounded almost childishly dismayed.

‘All right… false alarm…’ Gaddes leaned forward to nuzzle against the side of Allen’s neck and brush his skin with a kiss. ‘But how do you want me to do it?’ he whispered into the silk curtains of his hair.

‘There’s only one way to rub, surely.’

‘But think about _variations_ … we could start small.’ He made a ring of his thumb and forefinger, snugly encircling Allen’s cock, and drew it slowly up and down.

‘Mm?’

‘I like _this_ … because I find it lets me draw the feeling out longer, and not lose control too quickly. But sometimes it’s not enough, is it? Would you like two fingers?’

‘Yes,’ said Allen instantly. He drew in his breath expectantly and let it out in a rush as Gaddes changed his grip. He had been sitting with his hands by his sides; now he raised one and took hold of Gaddes’ wrist, guiding him to move his hand a little faster. Gaddes found himself more aroused by that touch, that insistence, than anything else in that moment.

‘You wanted to watch,’ he murmured. ‘Look at that, look at your hand and mine stroking your big, hard…’ To his astonishment, he was silenced by an urgent, demanding kiss. ‘Um,’ he said when he was released, a little thrown. ‘Whole hand now?’

‘Yes!’ Eagerly, Allen pushed Gaddes’ hand into position before he had time to move by himself. ‘Oh yes…’ There was an expression of exquisite tension on his face, brows drawn together in a way that was almost quizzical, as if he were puzzled by the energy illuminating his features. He had ignored the suggestion to look, keeping his eyes closed. By now his erection was at a peak, fully awakened, petal-soft skin overlaying its pulsing core of hardness. Gaddes was almost equally aroused; not totally, still awaiting the encouragement of touch. It was strange how he seemed to be lagging behind; here he was with his shirt and underwear still on, if disarrayed, while Allen was bare to his eyes; here he was slowly smouldering while Allen shone with flame.

‘And play with the tip,’ Allen told him, more distinctly than his rapid breathing would have suggested he could.

‘You’re so bossy.’ Gladly, he let Allen show him exactly what he meant, exactly where he needed firm manipulation. ‘And where are those fingers going?’ With his free hand, Allen was fumbling lower, reaching between his parted thighs so that for a startled moment Gaddes thought he was trying to penetrate himself with his own fingers, more knowing than he would ever have anticipated; it was rather shocking, and he felt that he somewhat disapproved. Allen _shouldn’t_ do that; it wasn’t like him. _Anyway, he would have to move for it to work; but no, it makes sense now, I can see what he’s up to. Little devil._

‘Are you happy to do that alone or should I tickle under your balls too?’

‘Tickle…’ Allen moaned as Gaddes’ fingers joined his, pressed between hot downy skin and rumpled sheets.

‘There’s a little place under here, isn’t there… a little place where I can push… and wiggle my finger round a bit… right?’ Behind the soft mass he found a small indentation, temptingly close to what he thought of as his final destination, but it wasn’t time for that yet. Pressure and friction worked together to make Allen whimper and push against his hand; his head tilted back as his spine arched, completing the abandonment of his posture.

‘Do you know how good you look, loving yourself like this?’ _I think I get you now… once you’ve made up your mind to do something, whatever it is, you do it 100%. I always saw it… you just set your eyes on the goal and go, you’ll take anything in your stride, you give yourself completely to whatever you do. It’s your courage and your charm. And if what you’ve decided to do is surrender, to me and to yourself…_

‘Do you know how good I feel because _you_ love me?’ Allen murmured. He raised his head a little and opened his eyes drowsily. ‘What… what will you do now?’

Gaddes answered by lowering his warm, wet mouth onto the swollen head of his cock. As he drew it in deeper, Allen’s hands dropped helplessly, then rose and tangled in Gaddes’ hair. The first time had thrilled him, had seemed like the deepest pleasure possible, until now; it was like how you might think cotton was soft until you had touched silk. The difference, as with their hands, was control; Gaddes took control and made him lose it completely. This time, too, Gaddes was in control of himself; the first had been like being hungrily devoured, swallowed whole, and now he felt he was tasted and savoured at leisure.

 _Does he like the taste of me? Is it a pleasure to him to do this, or is he just being sweet and deferring his own enjoyment for mine?_ He was willingly abandoning the effort to think clearly. _Oh God… oh love, swallow me up… oh yes…_

He was about a finger’s width away from a final ecstatic spasm when Gaddes released him; he felt the air as cold against his wet skin and blinked in confusion.

‘You haven’t finished,’ he said, ‘I mean I haven’t.’

‘I know… just give me a moment, I need to get out of this.’ He was pulling off the shirt, throwing it away.

‘It’s just getting between us,’ Allen said. ‘Nothing should get between us.’

‘You’re so very right.’ He turned aside for a moment, lifting his body so he could get out of his shorts, kicking them to the floor and twisting back to face Allen.

‘Goodness,’ said Allen faintly. ‘I’ve – you know I’ve never seen another man in this state before. It’s so dark.’

‘Can’t see?’ The candle had guttered out some time ago; neither of them had noticed when.

‘I mean _you’re_ dark.’

‘And you’re golden. You shine in the dark.’ He reached out and found a hand, slipped his fingers between Allen’s as he leaned closer.

‘I quote: “I can see you with my eyes closed, like when you look at the sun by accident and shut your eyes and there's still a bright spot in the dark”,’ Allen said, squeezing Gaddes’ hand. ‘I read that part again and again. I can’t believe it’s about me.’

‘You’re the sun in my sky. Stop me before I say something _really_ mushy.’

‘You can’t say anything if you kiss me.’ Their lips joined again; Gaddes could feel the eagerness in Allen, the new fire burning bright and high, with no idea of restraint. He remembered that feeling; it was sweet, so sweet to engender it in the one he loved, and to know that his intentions were good, that he would never willingly use Allen as he had been used. _Maybe I’m actually worthy of his love; at least I’ll try to be._

‘Won’t you…’ Allen breathed, ‘won’t you please finish?’

‘No…’

‘ _No?_ ’ His voice was plaintive.

‘There’s something else… roll over, sweetheart.’

Allen obeyed without asking why, although he was confused. Lying on his stomach, a sweat-dampened pillow under his cheek, he felt Gaddes’ hands on his lower back, resting gently for a moment, then pressing warmly so that answering heat grew in the skin beneath them.

‘A – a back rub’s _nice_ , but it’s not really _time_ …’

‘It’s not a back rub.’ His hands slid down to softly knead at Allen’s buttocks, his thumbs describing spirals.

‘A _bottom_ rub?’ There was a little throb of laughter in Allen’s voice. ‘I _knew_ you were weird.’

‘But does it feel good?’

‘Well… yes. Being stroked by you always feels good.’

‘And you still don’t know everywhere you can feel pleasure. We’ve proved that.’ His hands went lower, nudging Allen’s thighs apart, opening the way. He felt light-headed with desire, with anticipation of desire’s fulfilment.

‘I love you, Allen. I want to be with you.’ Kneading at the buttocks again, gently parting them. ‘I need to be inside you.’ Muscle tightened sharply, clenching together and shutting him out.

‘Don’t be silly,’ Allen said, his voice high and tight.

‘I’m not… don’t worry, it’s easy. Our bodies want to join together like this.’

‘We can’t possibly. I don’t know why you’d even joke about it.’

 _‘What?’_ Gaddes stared at Allen’s tense shoulders, at the side view of his face almost masked by the sweep of his hair. ‘Look… love, I told you, if there’s something you’re not sure about, we can _talk_ about it, don’t freeze up… how can you be so sure? You don’t know what it’s like, and I do, and I swear I wouldn’t ask you to do anything that wasn’t all right.’

‘How can you _say_ that? That’s what _he_ did to you, raping you, hurting you. How can you want to do that to me?’

Gaddes paused, momentarily dumbstruck and trying not to panic. ‘It – it doesn’t _have_ to hurt,’ he said, feeling that he sounded very stupid.

‘What do you mean?’ said Allen. He sounded surprised; somehow that was encouraging.

‘I mean… hang on. Allen, did you think that the _only_ times he put it inside me were when I didn’t want it? That I never actually welcomed him in? What do you think we were doing all that time?’

‘The… the things you’ve just been doing with me,’ Allen faltered. ‘Nice things.’

‘Well, all of that too… except when he was in a hurry or couldn’t be bothered… but most of the times I had him inside me, in the early days especially, I loved it. _That’s_ the feeling I want to give you now. I would never, _ever_ , try to do it in a way that would hurt, or when you really didn’t want me to. Come on, you know that really, don’t you?’ He stroked Allen’s back. ‘I want to be better to you than he ever was to me. I want to take all the good I remember, and double it and give it to you, and kill the bad with how happy we’re going to be. I want to make love to you, and this is part of it. If you’re sure you don’t want me to, I won’t… but now you know what I’m talking about could you think about it?’ _Please think fast, because I’m just about bursting here._

‘I… I feel that you _believe_ what you’re saying is true,’ Allen said slowly, ‘but I just don’t understand how it can be… I can’t imagine it.’

‘Didn’t you say you wanted me to show you what you couldn’t imagine?’ Tentatively, he was stroking over Allen’s behind again, feeling a very slight diminution of its tension. ‘And I did. Remember how good that all felt? Aren’t you still feeling it?’

‘Y-es,’ said Allen. Even in his consternation the roses were still in his cheeks, the shine on his lips.

‘Didn’t it make you feel my love all over you, through your mouth and your skin?’

‘Yes.’ He was almost relaxed again.

‘Don’t you want to feel my love inside you too?’

‘I – maybe – it just seems like so _much_ – I don’t mean to sound like a coward but you’re so _big!’_

‘Well, thank _you_ ,’ said Gaddes, trying not to grin. ‘And here I thought I was just about medium.’

‘Am I in any position to judge?’

‘No, that’s not what your position brings to mind.’ A gentle squeeze. ‘You’d be amazed what you can fit in there. Come on. Want to try it?’

‘I – I suppose – you…’ Allen’s voice trailed off before returning with strength. ‘You can try. But if I don’t like it you have to stop at _once._ I mean it.’

‘Understood. Thank you. Thank you very, very much.’ He reached up to the head of the bed and grabbed a loose pillow. ‘I’ll make you more comfortable… lift up your hips… here, underneath… my God, you’re hard. I think I’m jealous of the pillow.’

‘I feel silly with my bottom sticking up in the air,’ Allen said fretfully.

‘Who can see you except me? And I think you look great. So great… so beautiful…’ He had been trying to make his tone light-hearted, to reassure Allen, to reduce the feeling that something cataclysmic was about to happen, but it was like trying to dam a waterfall. His feelings were a torrent of tenderness and desire, overcoming any trace of rationality. On an impulse he bowed his head and started kissing the peach.

‘What are you doing?’ Allen exclaimed. ‘Gaddes, that’s _very_ strange! You’ll…’ He stopped, catching his breath. Gaddes pressed in, nuzzling deeper between his buttocks; his tongue flicked and lapped like a wet flame.

‘What – what are you – oh _God._ ’ He was shocked to the marrow, it was obscene, but the pleasure was undeniable. Gaddes said something too muffled for him to distinguish, and his hands gently spread him wider, and the flame was licking over that small, tight opening… Allen’s hands knotted among the creases of the sheets and his mouth opened wordlessly. For a moment he could not even breathe, and then it was deep, ragged panting that issued as the flame-tongue circled, and then, horror, delight, probed inward. He was caught between the desire to feverishly rub his swollen cock against the pillow beneath him and the compulsion to rear up and back, to meet and invite this exploration. Compulsion won; his thighs strained as he rose, moaning. Gaddes’ left hand remained holding his hip while the right dove under his belly and seized his erection, drawing a cracked gasp from his throat.

‘Please… please…’ _It can’t be_ real _, this double-barrelled bliss._ His hips tilted by themselves, angling up, giving Gaddes better access to the most private and profane thing he had to offer. The flame flickered and vanished; dismay welled for an instant before pulsing heat pressed against the threshold, and disbelieving, he felt himself opened and entered, stretched and filled to the utmost. He heard a wild cry and realised an instant later that it had been his own. Gaddes slid to a stop with a deep groan, enveloped and imprisoned within the hot strait walls of Allen’s body.

He paused a moment to feel the full depth of his penetration before drawing back, activating exquisite friction. He tried to set a slow, steady rhythm of smooth, deep strokes, but neither of them could maintain it; their bodies beat against one another, faster and harder, bearing down on the bed again, Gaddes’ hands gripping Allen’s hips; he felt Allen buck under him and heard him shout in ecstasy. As if that were a trigger, his own orgasm erupted, a deep, dark, hot burst of release. The room seemed to swirl around him as his limbs went limp, collapsing once more, almost insensible for a minute, then gradually reviving to the reality of Allen’s body beneath him, their ragged breathing, the sweat-slickness of their skin and the utter completeness of his satisfaction and joy.

There was a whimper in Allen’s panting and he was afraid he had been too rough; he thought this in a vague, detached way slipping over the top of his dreamy contentment, like the way his hands slid on Allen’s perspiring skin. He kissed the boy’s shoulder and gently pulled out, rolling onto his back at Allen’s side. For a little time he lay there breathing deeply, but it felt lonely; he felt Allen stir and turned to wrap his arms around him, pressing his cheek against his tangled blond hair. The scent of rosewater was long gone; he smelled salty, musky, red-gold. His arms were trembling as he joined the embrace.

Broken assurances of love flowed from both of them, breathless thanks and uncertain apologies; all the words felt like gibberish, a nonsensical tracery around a strong, clear feeling shared at the most intimate level. Gradually, they recovered their everyday senses and became more coherent.

‘Stop telling me you’re sorry,’ Allen whispered. ‘I loved that and I know you did too. You’re not sorry.’

‘Not sorry I _did_ it, but sorry if it wasn’t fair on you,’ Gaddes said. ‘I would never _try_ to hurt you, like I said, but I didn’t mean to ride you so hard… I just got carried away and it felt as though you did too.’

‘I did,’ Allen replied. ‘I did. And… I can’t say it didn’t hurt at all, but somehow it hurt in a way that I wanted. And over and above and through that was the most wonderful feeling, that grew and grew until I couldn’t feel the pain any more. I knew you didn’t mean to hurt me. I _did_ feel your love. I felt that I belonged to you completely.’ He softly rubbed his cheek against Gaddes’ shoulder. ‘And I did have… you know, that moment. The way you were holding me it shot straight into the pillow. What a mess. There’s always a mess. But it was worth it this time.’

‘I’m so glad,’ Gaddes murmured into his hair. ‘So glad.’ There was only peace inside him now.

‘I do want to go to sleep now,’ Allen said. ‘Sleep in your arms. Will you kiss me goodnight?’

‘Um – not considering where my mouth’s just been. I want to clean up a bit before we go to sleep. All right? You won’t be lonely if I get out of bed for a minute?’

‘I will,’ said Allen, ‘but you’ll promise to come back, won’t you?’

‘I promise.’

‘There’s still quite a lot of water in the big jar, but it won’t be warm any more.’

‘I can cope. I just want to be clean so I’ll be nice to sleep with.’

‘So it’s not… because you feel dirty?’

‘Not in a bad way. Just a – a coming home covered in mud way. I know I’m in a mess, but I had a hell of a good time getting that way.’ Reluctantly, he disengaged himself from Allen’s arms and crawled out of bed. He felt pleasantly weak and woozy all over, and walked carefully to the washstand in the bluish darkness, in case his legs should let him down. Just enough moonlight came through the cracks in the shutters for him to see by as he poured water into the small tub from the pitcher and gave himself a quick spot sponge-bath, noticing and enjoying the rosewater fragrance of the soap; while he washed away the thick odours of Allen’s body he was replacing them with the light, sweet scent of his little luxury. He heard the scratch of a match and looked over his shoulder to see Allen was relighting the candle.

‘You watching me?’ he asked, affectionately amused.

‘Just a bit,’ said Allen. ‘And I’m trying to put the bed back together so we’ll be comfortable, and it’s easier to do with some light.’ He broke off to yawn, pulling up the covers from the foot of the bed. ‘I don’t know what to do with this poor old defiled pillow.’

‘Turn it over if you don’t mind, chuck it out of the bed if you do.’ _It feels so sweet to be talking like this, like – well, like a couple._ He rinsed the soap from his hands, filled the smaller basin with water and began to wash his face.

‘The tooth powder’s in the green canister on the left of the basin, if you want to freshen your mouth,’ Allen said. He was nestling back among the pillows now, admiring Gaddes with soft sleepy eyes.

‘That’s a good idea. I was thinking I’d have to wash it out with soap.’

‘There’s no question of having to do anything that nasty on a night like tonight,’ Allen murmured. ‘Gaddes, come back soon.’

‘Nearly done,’ said Gaddes, a little indistinctly as he was using his forefinger as a toothbrush. ‘Just got to throw away the dirty water.’

‘Out the window with it,’ said Allen lazily. He watched while Gaddes poured the basin into the tub, carried the tub across the room, opened one shutter and half the window and tipped the wastewater away. ‘I love how your body moves,’ he said. ‘Even doing something simple like this you look so strong and straight and clean, like a living bronze sculpture. Oh, close the window. I don’t want the first mosquitoes of the season in here.’

‘Yes, sir,’ said Gaddes, returning to the bed. Allen welcomed him back with soft little kisses.

‘Don’t call me sir,’ he said. ‘I like sweetheart better now.’

‘I’ve always thought it would be nicer to call you that.’ He leaned away for a moment to blow out the candle, then curled up with Allen, their bodies nesting together like spoons.

‘You smell nice,’ Allen said, rather faintly. His eyes were closed now, very close to sleeping. In the little light there was he looked very young, like an exhausted child. ‘Love you, Gaddes.’

‘Love you too, Allen.’ He pressed a kiss against Allen’s cheek, settled his arms around him, and let himself drift into darkness.


	10. Chapter 10

He was kissed awake in the thinner darkness that preceded dawn, slowly rising from dreamless languid warmth to become aware of Allen’s soft mouth on his. _I’m waking into the dream._ The warm lips lifted away and he opened his eyes to see Allen lying beside him, propped up on his elbow, gazing at him lovingly. There was a curious bright energy about him, although he still had sleep in his eyes and his hair was tousled from the pillow.

‘I’ve been watching you sleep and trying to wait very patiently for you to wake up,’ he said softly, ‘but I just couldn’t any more. I feel like I did as a child on Solstice mornings - you know, when you know your presents are right there in the house, and you haven’t seen them yet and they’re all you can think of.’

‘In my family we opened presents on Solstice Eve,’ Gaddes said, reaching out to smooth Allen’s hair, ‘the night before.’

‘Well, that matches. Last night I had presents from you… this morning I want to give you presents from me.’

‘Isn’t that sort of backwards?’

‘Don’t nitpick,’ said Allen, with a half-grin, putting his arms around Gaddes’ shoulders. ‘Besides, mornings are always when I feel like this… when I wake up feeling excitable and want to play with myself… or you, now.’ A sweet off-centre kiss. He shifted his weight on top of Gaddes, sighing contentedly as he pressed up against him. ‘Feel that, I woke up all ready for you.’ A wicked little wriggle of his hips; Gaddes blinked and caught his breath sharply, thrown by such strong instant stimulation. It had been years since he had had a wake-up call like this. He hadn’t quite dared to hope Allen would have such a lively erotic nature.

‘I never knew,’ he said vaguely. ‘I never heard anything.’

‘Yes, well, _you_ mostly only wake up at reveille. I’m one of nature’s early risers. I go to sleep feeling clean and wake up feeling all dirty…’

‘I had no _idea_ you were such a... a naughty boy.’ _You think you’re being_ so _bad, and it’s getting you_ so _excited… how cute can one person be?_

‘You misjudged my propensity for naughtiness,’ Allen purred.

‘Oh, _stop_ it,’ said Gaddes, delighted, seizing him in a bear-hug and kissing him deeply. Allen responded eagerly, hungrily, plunging his tongue into Gaddes’ mouth at the same time as squirming to free his arms, to reach down between their bodies and stroke his waking hardness.

 _All mine, he’s all mine, my Allen… and I get to put my one hand on his peachy little ass like_ so _, and wrap my other round his lovely long stiff cock like_ so _, and - oh God, he doesn’t even need to be_ guided _to thrust into my hand. And he’s making me feel so very, very good…_

Allen’s pleasure was finding voice in breathy little grunts, escalating to soft moans as he pumped against Gaddes’ palm. Supporting himself on one arm, he worked his other hand rapidly up and down over the rigid column of flesh he held, from the thick base to the blunt nuzzling tip, rewarded for his efforts by progressively deeper sighs and groans. He was not especially skilful but somehow the eager inexperience of his caresses doubled their power to move Gaddes. Controlling himself under Allen’s touch was an impossibility; within moments Allen felt him shiver convulsively, and in the next instant, a warm spurt of moisture against his own stomach.

‘Oh God - Allen!’

‘Did I do that to you?’

‘Oh… you know you did…’ Gaddes watched as the expression of bright-eyed triumph on Allen’s face melted into the oddly preoccupied look he had in the moments of greatest pleasure, and held him as he shuddered and came. He lowered himself to rest on Gaddes’ chest, breathing heavily, taking a slightly shameful enjoyment from the feeling of the mixed fluids of their bodies sandwiched between their skins. He felt exactly like what Gaddes had called him, a naughty boy, safe from what it meant to be a man and to know women. _A thing of beauty and a boy forever. It feels so_ free _like this. I know I can’t feel like this always… I have no right to… but he loves me, and he frees me from all the rest of it when he holds me like this._ He felt Gaddes kiss the side of his neck, just under his ear, and lifted his head to offer his lips.

‘Thank you,’ Gaddes said. ‘I think that’s the nicest present anyone’s ever given me.’

‘That wasn’t really it,’ said Allen. ‘I mean, you were doing just as much for me. I wanted to do what you did last night… give you a treat… you shouldn’t have to do anything. I - I don’t exactly know how to do those things… or how to do anything that you haven’t shown me… but I want to try… you’ll tell me whether I’m getting it right or not, won’t you?’

‘Of course I will. Of course. You really want to? You don’t have to pay me back, you know.’

‘A gentleman always pays his debts,’ said Allen gravely. ‘Well, except to his tailor. I never want to take more from you than I give back. It’s only _polite_ to reciprocate all your kind attentions.’ He sat up a little, easing his weight away. ‘Do you want to rest first? Perhaps it wasn’t very considerate of me to wake you up so early.’ He looked at Gaddes with his head tipped to one side solicitously, then made a face and slapped his shoulder. ‘Don’t _laugh_ at me when I’m trying to be nice to you! I don’t know if this isn’t what lovers are supposed to do.’

Gaddes caught his hand, trying to suppress the chuckle that was rising up. ‘I swear I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing because this is so far from anything I’ve had before, and I just can’t get used to it. It doesn’t feel real. Everything with you has been so beautiful. Everything _about_ you is so beautiful. One of the stupid things that kept me with Nichol was that I didn’t think I could do any better, and here _you_ are proving me about as wrong as I could be.’

‘Well, I should just think I _am_ better than that - promiscuous knave,’ Allen said, a little lamely. ‘Why don’t we have rude words like _whore_ to apply to men? The nearest I can think of is _rake_ or _wolf_ , but those still sound vaguely virile and complimentary to the man you’re talking about. _You_ make me think of a wolf, a little - a gentle, young wolf, not a dangerous one. I think he must have been more like a - a boar, a big fat - no, a _hog.’_

‘You’re overdoing it just a little bit,’ said Gaddes, smiling. ‘I thought he was a fox at first.’

‘Hmph,’ said Allen, settling down by his side. ‘Vermin.’ Gaddes lifted his arm to encircle his shoulders, letting him rest his head in the cradle of his underarm.

‘Oh, yes,’ he agreed easily. ‘Stinking polecat.’

‘What animal am _I_ like, then?’

‘I just don’t know. Unicorn, maybe. Something unreal and beautiful.’ He let his fingers stray amid Allen’s hair, brushing it back from his brow. ‘I’ve wanted to stroke your lovely hair so much. You know how you got it cut because you thought it’d please Balgus, but he didn’t seem to notice? Don’t get it cut and I’ll leave you in absolutely no doubt that it pleases me.’

‘Do you know one thing I love very much about you, that I think is very selfish of me?’ Allen enquired. ‘All the inclinations that feel natural to me, and that I always thought I’d have to fight and curb in order to be acceptable, you tell me are all right, and pleasing to you. You’re the only person who’s wanted me the way that I am.’

‘Oh, come on. I bet your mother thought you were great.’

‘No, I mean you’re the only person who’s understood how I _really_ am - and that’s the way you want me to be. Anyway, mothers are different. Whether they want you or not, they’ve _got_ you. You had a choice.’

‘I didn’t get to choose whether or not to love you. I used to think my life would be a hell of a lot easier if I could choose _not_ to, if I could just stop.’

‘I’m so glad you didn’t.’ Allen turned his head and kissed Gaddes’ collarbone. ‘Gaddes?’

‘Hmm?’

‘You called me beautiful, and I think you should know that _you’re_ beautiful. To me. Your eyes and your mouth and your golden-brown skin, and - and little odd things like the shape of your thumbs and the way your hair grows at the nape of your neck. Very beautiful. Exactly the way a man should be. I even…’ He paused, and passed his hand down over the top of the covers to rest between Gaddes’ legs, an oddly modest way of touching him. ‘I didn’t see it very well last night, but I thought this was beautiful too. Is that strange?’

‘Who cares if it’s strange?’ Gaddes asked, nuzzling against Allen’s hairline. ‘If you think I’ve got a beautiful cock I’m not going to argue with you. I’ll just accept the compliment graciously.’

‘Mine isn’t - I mean, I just want to confirm the impression I had when I compared us. Mine isn’t funny-looking or anything like that, is it?’

‘Yours is the finest specimen I’ve ever seen.’

‘Sorry about the ginger hair,’ Allen said, rather diffidently.

‘Why are you sorry? In the first place, you didn’t make it that way, and in the second place I think that’s beautiful too. It’s so secret and unexpected. Red gold, with pink shading to crimson and violet - sunset colours.’

‘You’re embarrassing me,’ said Allen, reddening a little but looking delighted. ‘I didn’t ask for a poem about it, I only asked if it was funny-looking.’

‘Oh, no, I know all about funny-looking. You should’ve - or rather shouldn’t’ve seen Nichol’s.’

‘What was wrong with it?’

‘It had a bend in it. Well, not a bend, a curve to one side. It always looked to me like it was trying to peep round a corner.’ He held up his hand curved to illustrate. Allen gave a little snort of laughter.

‘And he’d keep telling me this bullshit about how that shape would actually give you more pleasure so I was really lucky I got to experience it that way - oh, and I’d have to make out every time like it was the biggest one I’d ever seen and ooh aah I wasn’t sure I could take it - and it had a name.’

‘A _name?’_ Allen had the giggles now; he was egging Gaddes on.

‘I mean, lots of guys have a nickname for their dicks, but his had to be special, his was, hem hem, The Mighty Man-Sword. And I had to call it that, too. I’ve got such vivid memories of biting my tongue not to laugh while saying a line like “run me through with your mighty man-sword.” I asked him once if he shouldn’t call it a scimitar on account of the shape and he sulked for three days. I guess that was a bit mean of me,’ he conceded, giving way to laughter in his turn. Apart from the fact that he felt special when he could make Allen laugh, he had a wonderful feeling of liberation. He had never been able to tell anyone about this before, and the two of them laughing at Nichol together seemed to be the final dissolution of any power he might still have had over Gaddes. Suddenly he was just a pathetic insecure man caught with his trousers down, open to ridicule.

‘It’s not true,’ Allen said, ‘you must be making it up.’ He had laughed so hard there were tears in his eyes.

‘I _can’t_ make up things like that,’ Gaddes protested. ‘Truth’s stranger than fiction.’

‘Does _yours_ have a name?’

‘Oh, mine wasn’t allowed a name. I think he would have been a bit _threatened_ if mine had had a name. It was weird, I had to go on about how huge his was but he was always talking about my “little willy” and generally making it sound like I was hung like a ten-year-old. Who knows, maybe he’d have liked a ten-year-old, they’re probably easier to impress. That’s another thing he was weird about, me growing into a man. Once I started getting peach-fuzz, I had to shave at night as well as in the morning so my face would feel baby-smooth when we were in bed together, and one time he asked me if I’d like to shave down there as well. I said I’d take a razor to my privates the day he could show me a flying pig, and not before. At least I stuck up for myself on that.’

‘What an appalling man!’

‘See why I’m amazed at how sweet you are? When that’s what I was used to?’

‘I want to make you absolutely forget about all of that,’ Allen said firmly. ‘I want it to seem to you like something that happened to someone else, long ago.’

‘It does. I’ve had two lives, Before Allen and After Allen.’

‘And now With Allen?’

‘I want that to be a very long life indeed.’

‘I can’t have kissed you properly for at least fifteen minutes,’ Allen said, rolling back towards him. ‘And I think we really should open another present before the sun comes up.’

‘You won’t hear me complaining.’

‘But… I do need you to tell me what to do. I don’t feel sure I can do it right without instructions.’

‘Step by step?’

‘Mm. I want to learn to do this properly from the very beginning. And you’re so good at it that I definitely want to learn from you.’ He moved to kneel astride Gaddes’ body, bending low over him, his hair hanging down to tickle his chest.

‘You are _such_ a sweet little flatterer.’ Gaddes reached up to touch his lips, to trace their outline. Allen kissed his fingertips, gently, methodically working his way from thumb to little finger, looking gravely into his eyes the whole time.

‘But I mean all of it. It’s not flattery when you mean it. It’s not as if I’m pandering to your vanity; I don’t think you have any.’ Gaddes’ middle finger was still grazing against his lips; pensively, he kissed it again, then drew the tip into his mouth. Gaddes felt wetness and just a trace of suction before his finger was released.

‘Oh no,’ he said, letting out his breath with a shudder, ‘ _you_ don’t know what to do.’

‘Should I kiss your hands? But that’s easy…’ He pressed his lips to the centre of Gaddes’ palm, making him feel a strange warm throb there, and in the pulse of his wrist.

‘Come down and kiss my mouth.’

‘Yes…’ After a moment Allen pulled up. ‘You can’t give me instructions if your mouth is busy.’

‘Keep kissing me and I bet you’ll get inspired.’

‘Don’t be so difficult. Come on, please. Just tell me what I’m meant to do.’

‘See how much you remember.’

Uncertainly, Allen bowed his head and his lips grazed the corner of Gaddes’ jaw, before working down the side of his neck, dabbing dry, ticklish little kisses against the skin, kisses that gradually grew moist and lingering as he grew more confident.

‘See?’ Gaddes murmured, closing his eyes for a moment. ‘You know.’ He didn’t want to tell Allen exactly what to do, to hamper his first keen efforts with criticism and direction and make him feel there was only one right way. Besides, he wanted to see if the Allen Phenomenon would hold true here, too; that whatever way he chose would be the right way, wherever he went would be the right place, even if he sometimes went about things in a way no-one else would have seriously considered. Feeling him shuffle back on his knees to kiss lower on his neck, down onto his chest, feeling the silky tickle of his trailing hair brushing softly over his skin, feeling heat rise from within to meet his warm lips, he expected to be deliciously teased. _What a beautiful lazy morning._

‘Is it all right to lick?’ Allen asked, his voice softly muffled.

‘Lick? Hell yes. Where are you thinking of licking me?’

‘You know where.’ A deep, pleasant twinge as wet heat touched his right nipple. Gaddes found himself biting his lip, whimpering low in his throat with delight. He was afraid that if he let himself make any louder sound the whole fort would hear him soon. Allen worked gently, slowly and simply, a look of delicate concentration on his face. His soft humid breathing washed over the awakened skin with the rhythm of a lapping tide.

‘I never knew,’ he said softly, ‘that you could go all hard and swollen here as well. It’s like a nice little hint of what’s down below.’ He kissed the right nipple goodbye and turned to bathe the other with his tongue.

‘Allen?’

‘Mm?’

 _Oh, God, yes, look up at me while you do that… I need a light, need to see those blue eyes…_

‘Try… try using the very tip of your tongue… make a point of it, and flick back and forth. Yes… yes, that’s right.’ The tingling sensation spread lower in his body; it was as though Allen pulled a string that ran down to some central erotic nerve. ‘You could… you could give me a little suck. Just a little. O-oh… oh sweet boy…’ His fingers sank into Allen’s hair. The drawing sensation turned to a series of sharp little tugs followed by a long, concentrated pull. Wanting to hold the feeling, he hugged Allen’s head close to his chest, bowing his own head to breathe the scent of him, kissing the crooked parting in his tumbled hair.

‘Let me go further down,’ Allen whispered.

‘Go on.’ Gaddes released him and let his hands fall back on the mattress. He felt Allen nuzzle down a little way further, down over his midriff, then draw back with a soft intake of breath.

‘You all right?’ he asked dazedly.

‘This is… this is you and me, mixed together,’ said Allen. ‘Here on your skin. It seems like such a little compared with how it felt.’

‘Jeez, sorry. Listen, skip over it if you - I mean - sorry.’

‘Why are you sorry? It’s mine too. And… and you’ve had mine in your mouth… I think I tasted some when you kissed me after… and if you don’t mind I don’t. I was just… noticing.’ Allen took a sudden, quick breath, almost as if he were diving, and lowered his head again, glancing again at Gaddes as he did so, his eyes flashing upward as his lips parted and his tongue began to clear a path down to his navel.

‘Oh, good _God_.’ _To see and feel him getting nearer… and his hair brushes over it… hold it, hold it, not time, not yet, if you can just get over this first rush you’ll last a lot longer… I don’t_ want _to last, I want to come right now… I’m_ going _to come right now if I’m not careful._ His fingers went to the base of his cock, applying a grip that would nudge him back from the brink a little way. Allen lifted his head, looking surprised. The covers were humped over his shoulders, and the movement caused them to slide down, drawing off the shadows that had hidden his body like a dark veil.

‘Why do you do that?’ he asked, sounding interested rather than confused.

‘I don’t want this to be over too soon, I’m trying to control myself. Just give me a second?’ He raised himself to a sitting position, taking advantage of the opportunity to look Allen up and down. It was slightly lighter in the room now; he felt a redoubled itch of passion gazing at that perfect form marked with purple ghosts of kisses, pale smeared streaks of come patterning his lower belly and mingling with the red-gold curls surrounding his upward-straining cock. It was the kind of itch you could not leave alone; it screamed to be relieved.

‘Gaddes, could I ask some questions?’

‘Ah, yeah, go on.’ _I’ll try and answer you with the one-tenth of my brain that still works._

‘The way I touched you when we first woke up… well, I know how to do that because I’ve done it to myself. But I want to do something else now that I’ve never done, and I was really too - distracted to analyse how you did it. You know. With your mouth.’

‘When I went down on you, you mean?’

‘Is that the right way to say it?’

‘It’s one way. One of the nicer ways.’ _Oh my GOD, I get a blowjob. Oh, shut up you pervert. Still. Yay!_

‘I’m having to learn new words too,’ said Allen, frowning. ‘I’ve never had names for these things before. When I have that, um, that moment, that’s _coming_ , right? And now, what I want to do next is _going down_?’

‘Yes, ten out of ten for vocab.’

‘Kiss, please, teacher.’ Gaddes kissed him quite forcefully now, trying to transmit his frantic arousal, hoping to bring him up to speed before he lost control completely. He thought he was good to stand several more minutes of what had gone before, but of course Allen had run out of chest and stomach to kiss, and there was no knowing how he would feel when he moved to the logical next step.

‘And now tell me what to do,’ Allen commanded him, drawing back from the kiss with flushed lips and dark-glowing eyes.

‘Um - okay. Give me your hand… hold it in your hand… oh God, that feels good. Yes, I know you know how to do this bit, don’t make your impatient face…’ He took a deep breath, trying to let that out in a controlled manner, if nothing else. ‘Okay. Okay, Allen, bend down low, you want to get close to it. I want to feel you breathing on it. _Yes._ Oh God… get a good grip now… want you to hold me tight, but not _too_ tight… kiss me, kiss the tip.’ Involuntarily, he seized Allen’s shoulder, trying to hold him in place.

The first kiss was a sweet, wet, hothouse rosebud of a thing, impacting softly against the round ruddy head of his cock and making his hips tremble. He was trying to find his voice to give the next instruction when he felt Allen begin to improvise, covering him with such kisses, from base to tip, each one giving him just a fraction of a second’s intense pleasure, pleasure that built higher with each one. Only a faint quavering groan escaped from his throat. Something shifted within him and he felt he was on a new plateau of sensation, perhaps now able to hold on that critical bit longer, even while the bliss grew.

‘Put your mouth down on it, put your mouth down open, take it in,’ he babbled. ‘And then don’t do anything but suck, just suck as hard as - oh _God!_ ’ His hand leapt from Allen’s shoulder to his head, half caressing, half pressing him down. His fingers tangled in the blond hair that veiled his whole lap, hiding what Allen was doing from his sight, while the sense of touch gave him a full and vivid report of every detail. One long, hard, tight pull, pulsing pressure, taut hot tongue, gulping moist throat.

Allen didn’t seem to know how to breathe with his mouth full; as he ran out of air he pulled back with an explosive gasp, panting over the wetness he had just created.

‘Is this right?’

‘ _Yes!_ ’

‘Do you think I could get good at it?’

‘You have no _idea_ how good you are. Please, please, more!’

The ‘more’ almost finished him; he had to struggle to restrain himself from thrusting. Allen came up for air once more, shaking back his hair for a moment to look up at Gaddes, just checking on what effect he was having.

‘You look like how I felt,’ he said with a little smile, and prepared to dive again. Gaddes’ hand on his head stopped him.

‘Is it not right after all?’

‘No, it’s so right, it’s so bloody right, please, if you go on I’m going to come in your mouth and I don’t want to do that, not this time, please, I want to come inside you.’

‘That is inside me,’ Allen said reasonably, straightening up.

‘You _know_ what I mean,’ said Gaddes desperately; he kissed Allen as if his life depended on it, locking his arms around him and falling back, pulling him down on top of his body. One hand stayed amid his hair; he broke away from the kiss for a brief moment to wet the fingers of the other with his tongue, and then it moved down over Allen’s back to his rear, leaping forward gladly as he obligingly spread his legs and lifted his hips, long middle finger slipping eagerly in to make the way ready.

Allen could not call out with his tongue almost in Gaddes’ throat, but he made a sound, a smothered cry, and his body shook. Gaddes slid his finger rapidly in and out, let the forefinger join it in the hot living darkness.

‘Aah!’ Allen’s voice broke free as the kiss ended; his hands were gripping Gaddes’ shoulders so tightly they would leave white fingermarks on the skin.

‘Good?’

‘Y-yes, but - it’s sore, it’s bruised or something. Don’t stop! I don’t want you to stop.’

‘I won’t stop  - can’t stop - I want to make it easier if I can, at least easier to get in… it’s years since I’ve had any kind of lotion, and God knows you wouldn’t have anything like that.’ _Stop, stop, try and_ think _. Hold it back. Soap, maybe? But it might sting. Oh, God… should’ve used something in the first place. Should’ve thought. The second I’m not on the receiving end I forget what it’s like? As if spit’s enough._

‘All I’ve got is the lanolin cream I use to stop my lips getting chapped in winter,’ Allen panted.

‘That would work.’

‘It would?’ He sounded rather startled.

‘Quick, where is it?’

‘Bedside table drawer - hold on, I’ll find it.’ Allen leaned precariously sideways, scrabbling through the contents of the drawer, whimpering in his haste. ‘Why do I keep so much _rubbish?_ And this isn’t vanity - it isn’t, chapped lips are painful and they can get infected.’

‘I don’t want _anything_ bad to happen to your lips.’ His hands moved reflexively over Allen’s hips and thighs, stroking in a holding pattern.

‘Thank goodness, here it is. What do I do with it?’

‘Give? Rub it on me and I’ll rub it into you. A splodge each. There, go.’ He gathered him back into a one-armed embrace.

‘This is nearly all of it.’ From the heat of his mouth to the heat of his hand, slippery bliss.

‘I’ll get you some more. Oh, God - could you squeeze a bit harder? Oh, God, _Allen_ …’ Kissing, stroking, tongues and fingers slipping.

‘Ready?’ Gaddes murmured.

‘I love how you look when you’re this excited, in your eyes, I don’t _want_ to roll over and look at a stupid pillow,’ Allen complained.

‘Then don’t,’ said Gaddes easily, rolling him onto his back.

‘But how - what are you going to do?’ With a kind of voluptuous passivity, Allen let himself be positioned, his thighs pushed apart and up, his hips firmly lifted so that Gaddes, on his knees, could drive himself in. He let slip a choking cry, not just because of the invading hardness touching him so deep inside, whose pressure in hidden places forced such strange, fierce pleasure on him. It was being able to see Gaddes, the tense powerful lines of his body, the transfiguration of his face in this moment of ardent union. Dawn was breaking outside; pale thin light was leaking in through the cracks of the shutters.

This time it was a smooth rocking, an undulation, Gaddes’ hands on his hips controlling and guiding the movement. For some reason, when wanting to see, he hadn’t realised how he would be seen; he felt completely exposed - no, displayed, and adored. _Oh, his eyes… his eyes on me…_ He reached down to touch himself and his frantically working hand was quickly joined by his lover’s, still slick with the cream, almost shooting off the end on each tightly-squeezing upstroke. Gaddes leaned forward, closer, rising up on his knees, thrusting down into him, gasping, gazing down at Allen, feeling hypnotised by his blazing blue eyes, feeling that he was falling ever forward into sky-blue heaven.

Then the blue blinked away; Allen’s head snapped back as his back arched sharply; he gave one last shuddering cry as he climaxed, spattering his heaving midriff with an arc of white.

 _‘Gaddes!’_

 _‘Allen!’_

 

Afterwards they lay at rest, cuddled together in the middle of the bed.

‘Did you notice,’ Gaddes said, ‘I came when I was called?’

‘You’re very devoted and obedient,’ said Allen, with a faint laugh. ‘Oh… I could go right back to sleep. That was lovely. I felt nearly scared of you, in some way, as though I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t have borne to do it. Does that make any sense at all?’

‘It doesn’t need to, as long as you enjoyed it.’

‘I want to stay here forever,’ said Allen, sighing happily as he nestled against Gaddes’ shoulder. ‘Forever, here, you and me in our bed.’

Outside, the duty trumpeter blew reveille.

‘Oh, _no_ ,’ said Allen, lifting his head with a look of offended dismay. ‘They _must_ be joking.’

‘You were the one who instilled military discipline around here,’ Gaddes teased him. ‘Now you’re reaping what you’ve sown.’

‘I never had a _reason_ to want to laze about in bed all morning before,’ Allen protested. ‘How was I supposed to see my folly?’

‘Then let’s not get up.’

‘But people will wonder why not. Bother! Come on. Out of bed. We’ll have to - I don’t know, wash for one thing. It’s all sticky and slippery where you’ve been. Not that I’m complaining, but I can’t put on clean underwear over that. Underwear; _have_ I any clean underwear? I must do, it was just laundry day.’ He wriggled away and stood by the bed in a dither. It was so hard to know what to do.

‘Sticky and slippery where my body met yours,’ Gaddes repeated contentedly. He sat up lazily, easily, and put his arms around Allen’s waist, resting his cheek against his stomach.

‘This is a funny way to hug me,’ Allen said, a little awkwardly, stroking Gaddes’ hair.

‘Mm.’ He kissed a spot just above Allen’s navel and released him. ‘There’s no need to hurry. I’ll bathe you, you’ll bathe me, we’ll get dressed and go down to breakfast like nothing is unusual at all. Everything is going to be fine.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Allen said, ‘but if you bathe me I’m not going to want to get dressed at all. It’s out of the question.’

‘All right. I’ll be good. In fact, you know what? I’ll go first, quickly, and nip back to my room because I’m going to have to anyway for my clothes - remove the temptation. You can hop back into bed till it’s your turn.’

‘You just want an excuse to use the nice rose soap again,’ Allen said, crawling back onto the bed.

‘I can’t hide _anything_ from you,’ Gaddes said, giving him a little swat across the bottom as he got up.

‘Only all your wonderful love,’ said Allen, beaming at him over his shoulder. ‘I’m _so_ glad that isn’t a secret any more. Or rather it’s a secret we’ll share equally. I hope I _can_ keep it properly, and restrain my present urge to sing about it at the top of my voice.’

‘We’ll just have to both be very… diplomatic is how I think of it,’ said Gaddes.

‘Discretion is my watchword,’ said Allen, nodding. ‘I’ll just whistle.’


	11. Chapter 11

Diplomacy and discretion were both hard work that morning. Gaddes felt fairly but not completely sure that no-one was suspicious. Although the reason for his posting to Castelo was generally known, that had been long enough ago that probably no-one thought much about it, and in any case his equivocal denial of the charge probably created enough uncertainty in people’s minds for them to give him the benefit of the doubt. He had been regarded with deep suspicion by many when he first arrived; sometimes men had literally moved to get their backs against the wall when he entered a room, which he had found particularly ridiculous when they had been bigger and older than him. Still, he knew how serious it was.

In the early days he had felt unpleasantly sure that at some stage soon a word out of place might get him a serious beating, whether from an offended individual or a righteous mob; that had been an extremely bad time for him, with a constant fearful tightness in his throat and churning in his stomach accompanying the ache of a broken heart. That was when he had _really_ learned about diplomacy, over and above the discretion that had developed through his early experiences. He made himself as non-threatening and affable as humanly possible, in his dealings with every man in the fort; he conscientiously pretended an interest in girls, even (he felt this was a master touch) a trace of immature shyness about them which luckily prevented him having to too vigorously or frequently pursue said apparent interest. On a few occasions, on rare trips in to Lamor, he had gone so far as to make sure he was seen going into the local house of ill repute (but very good word of mouth, which is different), and wasted his money engaging the company of one of the girls working there for an hour or so.

Even with them he maintained an act; he would not have been able to perform sexually, and would have despised himself for trying under the circumstances. He felt an odd sympathy with those girls, servicing men’s physical urges for their security and livelihood. Sometimes they seemed so nice and understanding that he wanted to take them into his confidence, ask them to help with his charade, but he was too prudent to trust women whose only incentive to do anything he wanted was the money he gave them. They might think it was disgusting, or, possibly worse, extremely funny; either way he could get talked about and the effort to create a certain impression would have been wasted even more than the money. And so here, rather than playing blokey true-blue normal Sam, he had put on the guise of a homesick boy who just wanted someone kind to talk to, a mother-love substitute. It had worked perfectly; after all, he paid just the same. His favourite of the women he met, Lillee, had even winked and promised to spread it around that he was hot stuff. All he had done was lie with his head in her lap and talk about home, a place he knew he could not return to; the boy who had left it no longer existed.

In the end it had paid off; the ice he walked on had thickened. He came to feel that it wasn’t so much that most of the men _hated_ \- queers fags fairies whatever - as that they were confused and scared by them, and by the idea that a guy like that might just lose control of himself and be all over you with no warning. It was the idea of being unwillingly subjected to buggery that _really_ frightened them. Men’s fear so often translated into anger and attack that it made little difference whether it was genuine hate or not. Still, it sometimes made him want to laugh. _Come on, guys, you’re not as cute as all_ that. _I_ think _we can hold back._

In fact, he had not felt seriously attracted to anyone between Nichol and Allen; his resolution never to fall in love had not even been tested. If he saw a man or a boy who looked good, that was all it amounted to; he enjoyed the sight while it was before his eyes and thought no more about it once it was gone. He had always felt fortunate that there was no-one at Castelo who was his type. After several months of hard work (the only thing he _did_ work hard at, since standards were so lax and he was too depressed and disillusioned to give a damn about the responsibilities of a sergeant anyway), he saw the other men relax and accept him as normal. Clearly, they reasoned, if he were a threat he would have shown it by now. They even started to be friendly, although he was too much on his guard to form more than a casual friendship with anyone. It was in his favour that everyone had _some_ blot on their copybooks in this place; it created a modicum of tolerance that might not have been found among men who had never known disgrace, a willingness to believe that whatever it was They said you’d done, you might be a decent guy on the whole after all.

Once ‘diplomacy’ had become a habit, it was not even work any more; it was just the way he lived, and sometimes he even forgot for a short time, an hour or two together, that he was in any way different from the men around him. He’d started to feel happy sometimes. It helped to be cheerful by nature; he could not maintain real misery for long before he started to see silver linings. And it was easy when he was never tempted; it was like keeping a vow not to go swimming when you lived in a desert.

And then love had come in like a flood, and now he and Allen were treading water together. People should not be predisposed to suspect anything between them, especially when Allen was so highly regarded for such obviously non-poofterish virtues as nerves of steel, fists of iron and the afore-mentioned brass balls. He kept telling himself that, but he still felt as though the truth shone out of him like a radiant light. He could see it so clearly in Allen, the glow of being in love. He was overjoyed to see it and terrified that someone else would see.

The fact that he had been able to start living out his fantasies didn’t seem to diminish their presence in his mind; in some ways they were more vivid because he now knew _exactly_ how to imagine things, right down to tastes and smells. And it didn’t help that throughout the day Allen seemed to keep innocently using loaded words like ‘come’ or ‘ride’ in conversation far more than he normally would. Every time he heard those words in Allen’s voice his mind would quickly flash up the relevant memories and his body would exclaim perkily ‘Gosh, are we going to do _that_ again!? I’ll get ready!’ It could get quite distracting.

To be fair to Allen, he was giving ‘acting normal’ his customary 100% effort. After a short while, Gaddes realised with a shock that he was so convincingly acting normal because he had always been ‘acting’ normal. Why hadn’t he thought of it that way before? He’d always known Allen had a façade but somehow hadn’t realised he was as much of a pretender as himself. He too had worn a disguise for so long that it had become a second skin. There was no way to know how much of his everyday manner was simple, uncontrived, and how much deliberately done for the sake of appearances. The seams were invisible. It wasn’t that Allen was insincere; to think that missed the whole point. His façade was completely sincere; it was a portrayal of the type of young man he had long believed he really ought to be. In some ways it _was_ the real Allen; simply an edited, expurgated version suitable for general exhibition. _All the inclinations that feel natural to me, and that I always thought I’d have to fight and curb in order to be acceptable…_

He seemed to be curbing them pretty well throughout the morning, which was taken up with routine patrolling, and a meeting with a group of hunters who had reported a problem with thefts from their camp; nothing major, but annoying petty filchings that made them suspect children.

‘From big bad bandits to juvenile delinquents,’ Gaddes mused as the patrol made its way back to the fort.

‘I am _not_ chasing a bunch of kids around the swamp,’ Oruto grumbled. ‘They’re wasting our time, those guys.’

‘But if we can get them back on the straight and narrow now it will save us having to chase them around when they grow up,’ Allen pointed out cheerfully.

‘Jeez, you think we’ll really all still be stuck here by _that_ time?’

‘How are _you_ planning to get out?’ Gaddes asked, amused. ‘You want to add desertion to your list of colourful exploits?’

‘That’s a good idea! Go on, Boss - just give me time to pack my things and I’ll be out of your hair.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ Allen said, smiling. ‘You know perfectly well we need you. And _I_ know perfectly well you wouldn’t let us down like that. Any of you.’

‘You sound like you think we’re knights like you.’

‘No, we’re knights, and he’s the King of the Castelo,’ Reeden put in.

‘One thing I always wondered about knights,’ Gaddes said thoughtfully, politely ignoring the pun. ‘Why does the King tap you on the shoulders with a sword in the ceremony? What sort of ritual’s that?’

‘It’s symbolic,’ Allen explained. ‘It’s the last time you can allow another man to strike you with a sword without being honour bound to fight back.’

‘Oh,’ said Reeden. ‘I always thought it meant, be good or I’ll do this again a lot harder.’

‘I couldn’t be doing with all of that,’ Oruto said. ‘All those rules about honour and chivalry and whatnot. It’s like a game. How can you take it seriously? Believe in it, I mean?’

Allen looked at him as if genuinely puzzled that he should even ask the question. ‘The _rules_ aren’t what I believe in, Oruto. The _principles_ of honour and chivalry are, and the rules are simply expressions of them. There are complex, petty-minded rules about things like heraldry and order of seating at dining tables, certainly, but what it all springs from, and what I find very easy to take seriously, is ideas like “protect those weaker than yourself,” “stop those who do harm,” “be honest in word and deed”…’

‘Impress girls with your uniform,’ Reeden added, grinning.

‘The first Knights of Heaven didn’t have a uniform,’ Allen said. ‘They were distinguished only by their code of honour, and by their noble deeds. I sometimes think that the order is beginning to lose sight of those things in modern times; perhaps becoming too sophisticated. Knighthoods are still earned through feats of arms and of service, but there are also some given out merely for political reasons. I know it’s the King’s prerogative whom he chooses to raise to this honour, but - well, I know I worked to earn my knighthood. I continue to work to be worthy of it, because to assume that one _is_ is proof that one is _not_. I can’t help feeling it devalues the whole thing a little if I am, in the eyes of the Crown, on the same level as the son of a man who has built several manufactories and bought himself a coat of arms. Such a man may be… a _competent_ swordsman, and he may never do anything to bring his uniform into disrepute, but how can he be a _true_ knight?’

‘Maybe the Fanelians’ve got the right idea,’ Reeden said. ‘I heard where, before they’ll let a prince be king, he’s got to kill a dragon. Now _there’s_ a test to make you earn it. Of course,’ he went on in a more subdued tone, ‘I also heard where the last poor bugger who tried that disappeared without a trace and then so did the Queen and now they’re waiting for the next prince to get big enough to try it.’

‘There’s a difference between the proving of valour and a senseless risk,’ Allen said, a little crisply. ‘I don’t understand why - why the people in charge there allow such a tradition to continue. I suppose they must believe in it.’

‘Maybe they’re hoping this prince’ll disappear too and they can run the country themselves,’ said Oruto, grinning.

‘Absolutely not,’ said Allen severely. ‘The prince is protected by four generals, four knights, of the old school, one of the most ancient and honourable orders in existence. There is no question of their actions having any underhanded motive.’

‘This’s why I like _not_ being a knight,’ said Oruto, ‘or a prince for that matter. No-one’s going to ask _me_ to kill a dragon.’ He pulled his knives from their bandoliers and flipped them through the air before catching them behind his back, with a smirk. ‘Not that I couldn’t.’

‘What I always wonder is how people square it with their conscience to kill dragons when our gods are dragons,’ Gaddes said thoughtfully. ‘Our Jeture… their Escaflower or whatever it’s called. It’s like… dragons belong in the past… in creation times… who do you know who’s ever seen one? Except in places like Fanelia. In the real ordinary modern world dragons are nearly myths.’

‘Much like true knights,’ said Allen, rather ruefully. ‘Perhaps that’s why I’m thriving so near Fanelia.’ He cocked an eyebrow at Gaddes. ‘I seem to remember you likening me to some sort of mythical beast, although not a dragon.’

 _The important thing is not to blush._ ‘Yeah, well, I didn’t mean it like that.’ _It’s no good. I’m blushing like stink. Look at the ground, look at the ground._ He looked down just in time to realise he was about to walk into a deep puddle, but not, unfortunately, in time to stop it happening. At least being laughed at stopped anyone following that thread of the conversation, and gave him an excuse to be so red in the face.

Returning to the fort. Lunch. Knives and forks and food and talk, everything so normal, the bread a bit stale. Watching Allen’s mouth. An upward glance over the rim of his cup. Gaddes bit his lip and crossed his legs and resigned himself to waiting until nightfall. Oh God, no, he was on for first-half night patrol. It would be hours and hours more before he and Allen could get to bed. What if diplomacy went so far as to include going out in different patrols? That would be the smart thing to do, the safe thing.

Rising from the table, Allen calmly said ‘Would you come up to my room for a moment, Gaddes? There are just a few things I think we need to go over before tonight.’

‘Right, right.’ Following him up the staircase, a few steps behind, the hem of Allen’s overskirt at his eye-level. _Maybe it’s a_ good _thing I can’t watch his ass at a time like this. He’s going to be businesslike all day, isn’t he? It’s the right thing to do, it is._

Allen opened the door for him, closed it behind the two of them.

‘I don’t think we need worry overmuch about these petty theft reports,’ he said lightly, walking across the room. ‘Rather, we should be vigilant against a rise in banditry, which I am afraid may coincide with the high season for commercial travellers over summer.’

‘I’ve been thinking we should clean up the trail from Lamor towards the border,’ said Gaddes, following.. ‘Make it clearer and easier for strangers to follow, maybe get a couple of signboards up and cut back some of the shrubbery encroaching on the path.’

‘That’s a very practical idea,’ Allen said. ‘We could begin at the start of next week, I think. By the way, I’m so desperate to kiss you that I think I might explode.’ The next instant he had flung his arms around Gaddes’ neck and was pressed up against him, kissing him hungrily. Gaddes was thrown off balance, quite literally; he fell over backwards, taking Allen with him, and it was only by good luck that they fell on the bed, Gaddes sprawling, sitting, Allen straddling his lap..

‘I love you… I love you…’ Allen was whispering, whimpering, in between kisses. ‘And I can’t stop, can’t stop thinking about you, about us together, I can’t stop _wanting!_ I’m burning. I’m sorry… sorry…’

 _‘Why?’_

‘Because I’ve got no more self-control than this… because I’m letting you down…’

‘Do you think I don’t feel _exactly_ like that?’ He planted his hands on Allen’s behind, pressed up against him, letting him feel his pent-up arousal while he kissed him, feeling the moan rise in his throat, feeling the rush of joyful surprise disperse through his own bloodstream, giving way to a deeper, hotter current, with a fizz of exhilaration that made him a little silly, a little playful. ‘Can I put my hand up your skirt?’

‘I am _not_ a girl,’ said Allen, half-laughing. ‘And you’ve gone on without waiting for permission.’

‘I can tell you’re not. There’s something so big and hard under here… could I see it? Could we let it out?’

‘In the middle of the _day?’_

‘Remember, everything’s allowed with me.’

‘All right… all right.’ Allen looked a little awed at how shameless he was being.

Gaddes kissed him again, his hand firmly stroking over the hardening ridge in the blue serge of Allen’s trousers. He couldn’t find anything like a fly.

‘How the hell do I get you out of this outfit?’

‘It’s fiendishly complicated. Hold on.’ Allen scrambled to his feet, undoing his belt and the fastening at the front of his overskirt, letting them drop unheeded on the floor.

‘Oh, _I_ see,’ said Gaddes, ‘it’s like dungarees.’

‘Right… it’s so stupid… I have to undo my skirt and my shoulders just to get my trousers down. Whoever designed this had obviously never thought about what it would be like to have to go to the lavatory wearing it.’ He had popped the buttons of the shoulder-straps and was hurriedly working his way down the toggles of the front. Gaddes sat back, leaning on his hands, admiring him. _Two days ago I could not have - no, I could_ only _have dreamed of sitting here, watching him undress ready to go to bed with me. And so eagerly, too…impatient with his clothes…_

‘You could have a little buttoned trapdoor in the back,’ he suggested, ‘like in long underwear.’

‘I’m sure that would be convenient for you,’ Allen laughed, ‘but it would only solve half my problems.’ The last gold-braid toggle gave way and his trousers slid to the floor, shortly followed by his underwear. He looked up and caught Gaddes’ eye, and for the first time looked rather self-conscious, standing there with his blushing cock jutting up from under his white shirt-tails.

‘I - I was in such a rush that I haven’t even taken off my gloves,’ he said, a little foolishly.

‘Don’t worry about _that_. Get back on top of me and give us a kiss.’

Allen almost jumped to regain his position; Gaddes could feel him quivering with pleasure, purring in his throat as his cock was stroked and kneaded. While his right hand worked there he passed his left up under Allen’s shirt, caressing his stomach and chest, loving the smoothness, the firmness of his body.

‘Can I ask you for one thing, sweetheart?’

‘What? You can ask for anything if you touch me like that.’

‘Your little remark in the woods before about how I’d called you a unicorn… if you go saying things like that when other people are there I just can’t handle it. Please don’t tease me like that when I can’t do anything about it. Or if you tease me I’ll have to start teasing you back, and we’ll both go blind or walk into trees or something..’

‘All right… all right. I just… I liked what you said so much…’

‘Well, I was right to call you a unicorn… here’s your horn.’ He traced a spiral up the shaft of Allen’s cock with his fingertips. ‘Hey, could I name it that? Could I call it a unicorn horn? Now why does that make you laugh so much when I’m not even tickling you?’

‘Oh, I’m sorry! Did you ever read an old bestiary? With descriptions of all the mythical beasts and the magical parts of them? The proper name for a unicorn’s horn is _alicorn_.’

‘Allycorn!’ _I will always love how stupid and giggly we can get together._

‘Are you sure you don’t want to call it an allengator, just to be even worse?’

‘No, I think that’s _exactly_ bad enough.’

‘How’s yours feeling? Would it like some attention?’

‘It can wait a little bit. Let’s get more comfortable.’ He started to edge back on the bed.

‘Wait, wait, my legs are all… webbed up again, _stupid_ trousers. Stupid boots I mean. The trousers are tucked in.’ Allen rolled off him and started tugging at the left boot.

‘Let me help you out of that.’ Gaddes knelt on the floor, taking off Allen’s boots, dragging off his trousers. ‘Good grief, dove-grey silk shorts?’

‘Well, I like to wear nice things.’ He was only jokingly defensive, stripping off his gloves with a rather jaunty air.

‘ _My_ underwear just goes grey with _age_. I never knew anyone who wore coloured undies before. Fancy pants.’

‘Ha ha.’ Allen threw his gloves in Gaddes’ face and drew his freed legs up onto the bed, kneeling there with parted thighs. ‘Come up here with me.’

‘But I can do something nice down here.’ He leaned forward and kissed the tip of Allen’s  cock, and was surprised to feel a hand on his forehead pushing him back.

‘No?’ He looked up at Allen, who was biting his lip as if unsure he had made the right call.

‘No… come up here, let me undress you. Let me see you.’ He shuffled away backwards, and Gaddes followed onto the bed, wrapping his arms around him as they lay down.

‘You like me to get on top of you, don’t you?’ Allen murmured, rolling into position as Gaddes’ embrace guided him. ‘Every time?’

‘Are you getting bored with it? I do love it, but I wouldn’t insist on it every time.’

‘Oh, no no no… I only thought you might like a turn on top because it’s so nice.’ A slow, lingering kiss. ‘Of course, you have your turn on top later…’

‘Again… wouldn’t insist on it every time.’

‘What do you mean?’ He rose on his arms a little, backlit by the early-afternoon sun slanting in at the window; for a moment he seemed all shining gold and Gaddes’ eyes were dazzled. Then Allen eclipsed the sun.

‘This is why I like you on top,’ Gaddes breathed, ‘seeing you above me, so beautiful.’

Allen gazed at him thoughtfully, then nodded decisively. ‘Your clothes are coming off now,’ he said, and set to work on Gaddes’ belt and tunic as he continued to talk. ‘Is this how people feel on their honeymoon?’

‘I don’t know, I’ve never been on one. Before.’ He took Allen’s hand away from his buttons and kissed the backs of his fingers before releasing them to finish unfastening his shirt.

‘Now, answer my first question, what did you mean before? Are you going to surprise me again?’ He spread the front of Gaddes’ shirt open, stroking his palms over the newly exposed skin, gliding up from his waist to caress his shoulders, and back down again. His admiring gaze was as warm as his hands. _What do you know,_ Gaddes thought, _I’m actually beautiful to him. He’s getting excited just looking at me. Hard to believe…I’ve spent so long thinking how gorgeous_ he _is without a hope that he’d ever feel the way I do, that I hadn’t even considered he might love me for my looks too. Whoops. He wants an answer. His little frown is so delicious. I want to kiss away the little wrinkle between his brows._

‘I just mean that I don’t need to do that every time. If you want a rest from it, if you get too sore in there… you can please me so many other ways.’

‘I know one way already - no, two ways.’ Allen shuffled back, unfastening Gaddes’ flies, catching his breath, and catching Gaddes’ eye with a smile, as each button popped.

‘Tease,’ Gaddes sighed, making no effort to suppress his own smile.

‘And out you come… all ready for me… Gaddes…’

‘Have these two upstanding gentlemen met?’ Gaddes sat up, pulling Allen into his lap, rewarded by a soft little gasping laugh.

‘I think they know each other by sight. Just a nodding acquaintance, really.’

‘They should be closer… they should kiss… like us.’ He guided the tip of his cock to gently butt against Allen’s, making him giggle softly, then moan as Gaddes’ hand passed on down his own warm shaft. Cupping his other hand to very carefully play with Allen’s tender balls, he worked his grip slowly up and down as Allen leaned against him, lazy-sweet, his arms over Gaddes’ shoulders and loosely crossed behind his head while he pressed wet kisses into his eager mouth.

 _My golden lovely boy, so hard in my hand, so eager to please and so ready to be pleased… yes, so ready… scared as you were, you were just waiting for something like this. Just waiting to make someone so happy with this wonderful body. What you’ll do to me… what you’ll learn to do…_

‘Allen?’

‘Mm?’ Allen fell to kissing Gaddes’ throat, nuzzling along his jawline, trying to copy faithfully, to recreate a sunset kiss.

‘Would you try something, do something, something I need?’

‘Mm.’

‘Put this inside me.’

‘Wha-at?’ Allen drew back and looked at him wide-eyed.

‘This, sweetie… your, ahem, alicorn. I can’t say it a lot plainer without getting into words that might offend you. Or getting all… _metaphorical_ on you. Would you rather I did? Ask you to mount me, and ride me? I’ll say it however you want if you’ll do it.’

‘I - I didn’t know you’d want _me_ to…’

‘You’re blushing.’

‘I’m startled!’

‘Why, sweetie?’

‘I - I thought _I_ was the girl. So to speak. Metaphorically!’

‘There’s no girl. We’re boys together. ‘member? This is one of the other ways to please me.’

‘I - I might _not_ please you. I don’t think I know how to do that very well.’

‘It’d make me so happy if you’d try to learn. And if you seriously don’t like it - which I doubt - there’s no need to do it ever again. But won’t you give it a chance?’

Allen put his forehead down against Gaddes’ shoulder, refusing to look him in the eye. ‘I don’t want to hurt you,’ he mumbled.

Gaddes began to stroke Allen’s hair, trying to help him to relax again. Clearly this stop-start pattern was just a part of making love to Allen, in these early days at least; it didn’t make him panic any more. Sooner or later he would always co-operate; he just needed time to recover his nerve after something unexpected shook it. The only thing Gaddes worried about was that he might make him bolt by being too persistent. There was a rather delicate balance to strike between asking nicely and what Allen might perceive as demanding.

‘Do I hurt you so much?’ he asked.

‘No, but you know what you’re doing.’

‘There isn’t that much to know. It’s just something you get comfortable with with practice.’

‘I haven’t exactly had much practice.’ His head was still down, his voice muffled.

‘Neither have I.’

‘You _have_ , you had an affair with a man for - I don’t know exactly, for months, wasn’t it?’

‘But not the way it’s been with you. He always said he held it was more blessed to give than to receive - in other words, I was “the girl” all the time. The first time with you was the _first time._ I was surprised how well I managed. But I had to work so hard to control myself, and hold on long enough to really please you… and I admit I’m lazy… I wanted to be the one who just - well, takes it. And surrender to _you_.’

‘I… I didn’t know you didn’t like it that way round,’ Allen said in a very small voice.

‘No! I _did_ \- I loved it, it was perfect. And I’ll want to do it that way again. But - well, liking strawberries doesn’t mean you can’t also like peaches, does it?’

He felt Allen frown. ‘Are the peaches and strawberries supposed to stand for different things? You’ve called me a peach but I don’t know where the strawberries fit in.’

‘No,’ said Gaddes, laughing softly. ‘We’ve got to stop using bloody metaphors. You’ll never know _what_ I mean and we’re getting _so_ serious and earnest and muddled here.’

‘You started it with the allycorn joke,’ said Allen, raising his head and glaring at Gaddes with mock indignation. ‘If you give me the impression that you want fruit pushed up your bottom you have only yourself to blame.’

‘Considering the size of the average peach - God, no, don’t finish that thought.’

 _‘Ouch!’_

‘I warned you not to!’

‘It’s your fault I _did_.’ The worried tension of a moment before backfired into a silly, giggling play-fight, the tussle ending with Gaddes firmly pinned on his back, being kissed to within an inch of his life.

‘I’ll do anything you want,’ Allen murmured, ‘anything you want.’ The initial confusion that had made him freeze was melting away under the warmth of his growing ardour. There was really no way he could have stopped entirely, he thought, not when Gaddes looked up at him _that_ way, not when he felt this heat, this demanding deep-down pulse. Just the sight of him, golden-brown body stripped bare, trousers shoved down from his hips… _a beautiful present, I’ve torn off the wrappings_ … was drawing him on irresistibly.

‘I’ve been thinking of this all day,’ he told him as he nibble-kissed his way down over Gaddes’ chest, feeling the rise and fall of his heavy breathing. ‘Thinking of you, thinking of your body and how you touch me and kiss me and how we move…’ He looked up, meeting Gaddes’ eyes, seeing the desire there, encouraged and emboldened by it. ‘All I could think of was, no-one here but me knows how gorgeous he is, how sweet he is, no-one but me has tasted his kisses…’ His fingertips traced a meandering line down over Gaddes’ stomach, following a curving path of dark curling hair. ‘And no-one else knows this secret serpentine squiggle that guides me down…’

‘Down is good…’

‘No-one else knows _this_ … so big, so lovely… all for me?’

‘Of course for you…’

‘For me to play with? For me to kiss?’

‘Mmm…’ Gaddes bit his lip, sinking his fingers in Allen’s hair as he felt himself enveloped in sweet pulling warmth. For a moment, he tried to exercise restraint, but it seemed pointless; his hips began to slowly rock almost without his willing it. _Now is the time to lose control, to not even think about control. To be like him last night, our first night! He’s learned so fast…_

He propped himself up on one elbow to try and see. This time he was able to sweep Allen’s hair over to one side, to watch as the throbbing head of his own cock disappeared into his rosy mouth, re-emerged wet and glistening, was drawn back in, Allen’s tongue fluttering against its acutely sensitive skin. He must have thought about his technique, or remembered more about how Gaddes had done it. A clumsy but enthusiastic sucking had been slightly refined, although there was still that feeling of inexperience, of rawness that he found so enchanting.

‘You look so serious,’ he breathed.

‘I _am_ serious,’ Allen said, releasing him for a moment, although to Gaddes’ relief he didn’t take this as a cue to start talking. Instead he changed his approach slightly, his fingers shifting to rub the tip of his cock while he planted a wobbling row of soft, wet smoochy kisses down along its underside. He paused at the base, his rapid breathing gusting ticklishly over the tingling skin.

‘Is it all right to go lower?’

‘Yes, if you’re gentle.’

‘ _Very_ gentle, promise.’ As his hand slid up and down, spreading the moisture left by the kisses, his tongue lapped softly against Gaddes’ balls. With some difficulty, Allen was trying to pull his partner’s pants further down with his free hand, trying to let him spread his legs; it took Gaddes a moment to understand that, but as he realised that it promised further pleasure he helped, lifting his hips from the bed and pushing down at his waistband; he felt his trousers slip down to his knees and parted his thighs a little further, letting Allen nuzzle lower down. He was wondering if he would be sucked there too; the thought made him a bit nervous in the midst of his bliss. Even being gentle, Allen was a little clumsy. No; further down still, firm tongue-tip probing the tense skin of his perineum, making him gasp sharply, making his hips twitch forward, pushing against Allen’s exploration.

‘Allen,’ he said, his voice shaking, ‘time to choose, if you keep going like this I’m going to come _very soon._ Is it okay to come while you’re down there? Or, or do you want… oh God. Oh _God._ You dirty little darling.’

Just as he was on the verge of an orgasm, Allen drew back and spoke to him, although he could not understand the words at first, for the blood pounding in his ears, and he had to repeat himself.

‘Would it be all right to go in now? Are you all warmed up? I thought, I wouldn’t have liked it if you’d just dived right in, so…’

‘I am _very_ warmed up.’ _Thank you for not letting me boil over yet. Yet!_

‘I need the lanolin, don’t I?’ Allen was looking nervous again, but determined to proceed.

‘Mm… where’s that?’

‘Here, it’s here… do you, or do I…?’

‘Come here… yes…can’t believe this is going inside me… you’re enormous.’

‘You don’t have to say that. Oh, be careful, I feel as if I could go at any moment.’ Allen pulled away, trembling.

‘Enormous,’ Gaddes repeated firmly. ‘And you’re going to be fine… it’s time, it’s time _now_.’ He rolled over, rising up on his knees with his head down on his folded arms.

‘You don’t have to…’

‘This is the position I like… don’t worry, you won’t hurt me… please, please put it inside me.’ He was hugging a pillow in readiness; Nichol had always teased him about living the cliché and being a pillow-biter. _Well, fuck off, Nichol! Isn’t this what they call the revenge root? I feel like I’m finally getting my own back. Don’t know how_ that _works._

‘How do I… um…’ He could feel Allen’s cock hot and slippery against his inner thigh, nudging up between his buttocks as he moved his hips uncertainly, kneeling behind him.

‘Take it in your hand and push it in. Push it in deep and smooth and hard. That’s how. That’s right. Oh… oh God…’ He bit down hard, feeling as if he would smother, felt beads of sweat pop out on his face as Allen entered him. _My perfect fit. I can’t believe I can take so much. Why didn’t I realise he was bigger? He’s my kind of size… Nichol always told me I was small… maybe having to call it huge so many times I got to believe it? But this – this! To think I was happy with what I got before… longer, thicker, stiff and stout and solid as stone, as bone._

Allen was leaning against him, motionless, gasping and quivering, his arms locked around Gaddes’ torso. It felt to him like the moment before a storm when everything hums with a hot silent energy, when the massive purplish thunderheads dominate the world with their fullness.

‘Move,’ Gaddes told him breathlessly, ‘move your body.’

‘If I move I’ll come.’ _Please, don’t want to let you down, don’t know how to do it right…_

‘Move your body…’ he whispered again, pushing back against him then rocking forward again.

‘Oh lord…’ Allen whimpered. ‘I can’t hold on for you, I can’t.’ He began to thrust, sharp little jerks of his hips, rapidly deepening, driving Gaddes closer and closer to his climax, drawing that inner cord, that Eros-nerve, tighter and tauter.

 _Yes… yes… go deeper… give me everything…_ Before he had laboured for Allen, before he had held back and been the proper considerate lover; now he let go completely and let it all rush through him. Before had been a climb to a joyful summit; this was running pell-mell downhill, completely free.

‘Allen… _Allen…_ ’

‘I… I’m here… I… _aah!’_ Allen’s body shuddered uncontrollably as the heavens opened. His dismay was drowned by a deluge of hot tempestuous pleasure, a spasm that seemed to catch every muscle of his body. He tried not to lose his stroke, but he was trembling, faltering. After a moment Gaddes’ hand found his, guided it to his tense erection and gave it a little nudge by way of direction. A few firm strokes released him; Allen felt liquid heat squirt through his fingers, heard his groaning cry.

Slowly, with shaking limbs, they sank down on the bed.

 _Do I pull out now?_ Allen wondered. _I want to stay where I am forever. Oh… but I mucked that up…_ He could feel Gaddes fighting for breath, could feel his own heart kicking inside his chest. The muscles of his thighs were still giving pleasant little twitches; warm joy flowed inside him. It took an effort to remember that he should apologise.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said weakly. ‘I really tried but I couldn’t time it right.’

‘Stop it,’ Gaddes mumbled, muffled by the pillow. ‘Perfect. Best in my life.’

‘But we’re meant to come together. Like when you do it to me.’

‘No…’

‘No?’

‘That’s a fluke. That’s good luck. Lots of times one of us will come before the other. Sometimes long before. Doesn’t matter. Normal.’

‘That wasn’t a disappointment for you?’

‘That was su-fucking-perb. Pardon me. But it was.’

‘And you did – well, you came properly?’

‘No half measures here.’ Although he could still not see Gaddes’ face, he could hear the smile in his voice. ‘Stay inside me… but roll back, let me get onto my side and breathe a bit.’

‘Yes…’

After a minute, having caught his breath, Gaddes sighed contentedly, lifting Allen’s hand from his hip and kissing the back of it.

‘You’ve taken such good care of me. Thank you.’

‘Aren’t you just trying to make me feel better? It still seems wrong to me to come before you do. It’s selfish.’

‘That’s because you’re such a gentleman. _Selfish_ would be if you’d stopped as soon as _you_ were satisfied, and left me to finish it off by myself. And you didn’t, did you? You wanted it to be nice for me. Don’t worry about it any more. It’ll be easier next time.’ He smiled over his shoulder at Allen.

‘Really?’

‘Promise. Now, was that nice for you at all?’

‘You’re so silly. You know it was.’

‘You’re not _quite_ soft yet.’ Gaddes’ fingers were gently probing between his legs, exploring the joining of their bodies. ‘Sticky and slippery… I’m going to feel a ghost of you inside me all day.’

‘I suppose,’ Allen said softly, ‘we’re not going to be able to lie around together for long… we’ve been away for quite some time and we really should get tidied up and go back downstairs.’

‘I know. I’m sorry, sweetheart, this is just how it is in a situation like ours. We have to have our honeymoon in fits and starts.’

‘But…’ said Allen, hesitantly.

‘But?’

‘Tonight, perhaps, we’ll be patrolling together, just us two… and perhaps I’ll remember that I think I lost a cufflink by the spring the other night… we might go back to look for it… and if we happen to have taken a couple of towels with us that will just be very convenient… and, I don’t know, something nice might happen?’

‘Something very nice.’

‘We should, really, explore and map there properly. But after we’ve done some work we could explore each other a bit more.’


	12. Chapter 12

Our Honeymoon In Fits And Starts; that, Gaddes thought, was how he would remember it. Allen’s name for it was Our Exploration; and it was true that the exploration-cum-patrolling of the swamp coincided nicely with the project, more important now to the two of them, of spending as much time alone together as possible.

‘The truly ingenious part,’ Allen said, ‘is that to the onlooker it probably doesn’t appear very different from the normal pattern of our activities. There’s really no reason why our disappearing for hours at a time should strike anyone as curious.’

‘Except that before when we disappeared for hours at a time we were actually getting some work done,’ Gaddes reminded him, with a crooked smile.

‘We are getting work done,’ Allen protested in an injured tone. ‘Everywhere we go on these little rambles, I fill in on the map when we get back. _And_ I cunningly give them intensely dull and innocuous names. At the moment I’m working through the King’s Privy Council. They’re all getting something named in honour of them. Once I’ve run out of Privy Councillors, I’ll start on their wives. It will all just look like an exercise in crawling, possibly with a view to being invited back to civilisation.’ He smiled sunnily up at Gaddes, tipping his head back; they were sitting nested together, Allen between Gaddes’ legs, leaning back against his body. ‘Aren’t I subtle?’

‘But what if they _do_ invite you back?’ Gaddes asked, winding a strand of Allen’s hair around his fingers.

‘I’ll either say no or find a way to bring you with me, I promise. But I don’t expect they ever will. It will look like a _futile_ effort; better still. Why, I couldn’t give up all _this_ ,’ and he made a sweeping gesture to take in the small grassy clearing scattered with harebells, their picnic blanket, and a large toad which seemed to be watching them with an expression suggestive of acute indigestion.

‘I couldn’t give up all _this_ ,’ said Gaddes, tightening his embrace for a moment and kissing the nape of Allen’s neck. ‘I hope you know I’m looking for something to name after you. In code, though. It’ll be Unicorn something or other.’

‘Oh, don’t - I’ll never be able to look at it on the map without blushing.’

‘I think you’re sweet when you blush. Do you know you always blush when I touch you here?’

‘Are you sure you should be doing that here, in broad daylight?’

‘Very sure, rosy-cheeks. Bandits lie low in the daytime. Our guys are all in the fort or patrolling elsewhere. And your stupid owl will be sleeping, so who’s going to see us? Except the toad.’

‘The toad looks offended.’

‘His face is stuck like that anyway. Ignore it.’

‘Oh, all right. You talked me into it.’ Allen turned in his arms, looking deeply into his eyes for a moment before kissing him. ‘You always do this. You make me feel free and safe. I love you so very much for that.’

 _Free and safe. We really are._ The knowledge made Gaddes wonderfully light-hearted, sometimes light-headed. He tried to keep his high spirits under wraps, but it was hard to hide being in such a good mood at all times. Being contented and being _happy_ were so different; it was like silver and gold, cotton and silk, water and wine. When they woke up together, when they slipped away together in the middle of the day, when they simply sat or lay together and talked as they always had, but now with perfect openness, no fear or embarrassment, nothing unknown or withheld, he felt it so strongly that it ached, just a little. _And I am making him happy too, my golden boy._

In the still of a dreaming night, he woke to find Allen quietly crying. He had rolled away from Gaddes, hiding his face in a pillow, trying not to disturb him.

‘Allen… love, what’s wrong?’ Gaddes spoke hesitantly; he was afraid it was something he had done, although what it might be eluded him.

‘Nothing,’ Allen said. ‘I’m all right… you can go back to sleep…’ His voice was unsteady, and it collapsed into a forlorn little sob.

‘You are _not_ all right. Please tell me why you’re crying. Please. We don’t hide anything any more, remember?’ Cautiously, he put an arm around Allen’s trembling shoulders.

‘But you know it all already. It’s the same old things. I don’t think of them often any more… I don’t have to try as hard… but it’s always still there. Ghosts in my mind. I dreamed about Celena again. It was such a terrible dream… she was lying in the snow, crying, calling out to Mother and Father and me. I could see and hear her, but I wasn’t _there_ \- I couldn’t walk over and pick her up and comfort her. And Father was there, not far from her, but he was walking away. I was shouting and screaming at him to look around, to see that she needed him, that we needed him, and still he walked away. It was horrible. I was so helpless; I could do _nothing_ about any of it. It’s a true dream, Gaddes; there’s nothing I can do. I c-can’t help Celena, I can’t find Father, and - and I’m so sorry, it’s so ungrateful to still be m-miserable when you’re so sweet to me…’ He hid his face in his hands; Gaddes could feel his body shaking.

‘Are you _really_ miserable?’

‘N-no, I didn’t mean… I mean it hurts when I think of them. It always has and it always will. You’re the only person who makes me feel better, Gaddes.’ He rolled over suddenly, throwing his arms around Gaddes, pressing his tearstained cheek against Gaddes’ dry one. ‘All the happiness I have is in you. Please don’t think I’m really miserable, or that you don’t help me. I just… I just don’t ever seem to really forget it.’

‘Poor little love,’ Gaddes murmured, stroking his hair. ‘Poor little love…’ He could feel tears stinging in his own eyes. _However much I love him I’m not going to be able to make this better. I’m as helpless as he is. It’s so unfair. It seems as though even when I_ am _the friend he needs, and the lover he wants, there are gaps I don’t fill._

 

Over the next little while Gaddes observed an interesting change in Allen. Setting aside his occasional but infrequent lapses into melancholy, he did seem to be happy; being in love suited him, putting a light in his eyes and a spring in his step that made him an even more impressive presence around the fort. One felt he was more _alive_ than most people, more vitally charged. He seemed to become more confident; not that he had ever appeared insecure to anyone except his closest confidant, but that had been a restrained self-assurance based upon what he had done and could do. Now he seemed much more confident about who he _was_ , more comfortable with himself and as a result more approachable and expansive.

Allen’s formal courtesy had always set him apart from the local people, in more ways than one; although he only meant to be polite, he emphasised to them the differences between their stations and backgrounds with almost everything he said. At about this time, he began to relax a little, and in turn they relaxed in his presence.

‘The thing about him,’ one hunter said to Gaddes, ‘is he always used to talk like he thought you were better than he was, and a lot of people couldn’t decide if he meant it, which sounded funny, or if he was taking the piss. But when he talks like we’re as good as each other - well, it’s enough to make people feel flattered, but not so much that they feel uncomfortable. And it’s more like he’s a real person, eh?’

Gaddes always treasured up this type of comment when he heard it, partly because it was interesting to him to get a third-party view of Allen as others saw him (knowing himself to be hopelessly biased) and partly because they were good ammunition for affectionate teasing. Allen was always embarrassed to hear himself highly spoken of.

One thing that went with Allen’s increased confidence and better rapport with the locals left Gaddes with distinctly mixed feelings at first. Previously, as in the unfortunate Gia incident, he had bolted like a startled (or indignant) rabbit if he realised a woman had set her cap at him.

‘I don’t want anyone _else_ to think I have designs on their daughters,’ he had told Gaddes once, and as a result he gave an impression of being distinctly girl-shy. This changed now. Principally, to Gaddes’ astonishment and disquiet, he started to flirt. It was as if he had only just realised he was handsome and charming, and had swiftly adjusted his behaviour accordingly. Gaddes first really noticed this on one of the informal market days, when there were a lot of visitors to the fort. At first he did not think much of the fact that he saw Allen talking to the girls who had come up to buy and sell; he was just being gentlemanly as usual.

Gaddes followed his usual pattern of strolling around the main yard where everything was set up, keeping an eye on things, breaking up and settling any disagreements, passing the time of day with various people and generally endeavouring to make a good impression. It was necessary to keep trying to make this impression, because no matter how much sterling work the fort’s men did in terms of keeping the area safe for people to live and do business in, they still had a tendency to look and act thoroughly disreputable as soon as they stopped concentrating, which was generally within about two seconds of finishing the active part of any operation. A certain amount of damage control was perpetually necessary.

‘They’re good men _deep_ down,’ was how Allen put it; he tried not to emphasise the ‘deep’ but anyone looking at most of the men of Castelo would find it hard not to conclude that their goodness must be pretty deep down indeed. ‘Anyway,’ he would add in their defence, ‘they always do what I require of them and we’ve never had a serious disciplinary problem. A little lenience over trivial matters can’t hurt.’

Besides which, a cynic might add, even a leader as popular as Allen might quickly alienate his troops by insisting on standards that went against the habits of a lifetime. Gaddes did try not to be a cynic, but there again, habit was strong.

He was just making affable conversation with a tiny old woman who was selling bracelets that were supposed to protect you from snakebites, and trying not to indicate that he thought she was completely mad, when a glint of gold caught his eye and he glanced up, knowing he would see Allen, anticipating the enjoyment of watching him from afar.

He was standing beside a collapsible stall displaying rolls of coloured calico, and talking to a young woman of the dishwater blonde variety; there was nothing so remarkable in that except as he spoke, she laughed, and he touched her face with a smile. She stepped back, still laughing and shaking her head at him reprovingly, then turned and almost skipped away. Gaddes did not hear anything that they said; they were a few yards away, his heart was suddenly thumping very loudly, and in any case the snakebite lady was tugging on his sleeve to try to get him to take off his glove and let her fit him for a bracelet.

‘What? Sorry. No, look, thank you, I really don’t want one. I’ve lived here a couple of years and nothing’s bitten me yet. Can you excuse me? I’ve just remembered something important I’ve got to do.’

By the time he had disengaged himself sufficiently to go after Allen and ask him what _that_ was all about, he couldn’t see him anywhere. Five minutes later, as he returned a lost toddler to its mother, there he was again, chatting to a short redhead. She said something which was evidently very crushing; he put his hand to his chest and mimed a broken heart, then bowed very formally – exaggeratedly formally – and moved away backwards as though leaving the presence of a queen. The toddler’s mother was rather surprised when that nice Sergeant Gaddes turned on his heel and walked off when she was just in the middle of thanking him. He went dodging off among the crowd as if he were looking for something that had just gone out of sight.

After almost an hour Gaddes finally ran Allen to ground politely admiring a farmer’s wife’s pickled vegetables.

‘Can I have a word with you, Boss?’ he asked, trying to speak lightly.

‘Of course, Gaddes.’

‘It’s about – about Scherazade,’ he improvised. ‘You need to come and have a look at Scherazade.’

‘Why? Children haven’t gotten into the hangar again, have they? I’ve _told_ them she’s not to climb on. Please excuse me, Mrs Nandor, it was lovely to talk to you.’ He strode off briskly with Gaddes pacing behind. They went into the hangar by the small man-sized door next to the great ones which permitted egress to the metal giants; it swung to behind them, shutting out the noise of Castelo’s market day and sealing them in quiet shady gloom.

‘But there’s no-one here, and Scherazade looks fine,’ Allen said, sounding surprised. He turned back to look at Gaddes, and a little smile quirked the corner of his mouth. ‘Was this a pretext to get me alone? You know you shouldn’t do that when we’re having a busy day. You’re terrible. But I forgive you.’ He stepped closer, with his eyes closed and hands clasped in a gentle parody of a romantic heroine’s gesture, and tipped up his chin, presenting his lips for a kiss. When nothing was forthcoming, he opened one eye, and his face fell a little.

‘You’re glaring at me,’ he said, straightening up and looking at Gaddes properly. ‘I’ve never seen that before and it’s very disturbing. What’s the matter?’

‘What do you think you’re doing out there?’

‘Just… just “working the crowd,” as you put it. As we always do.’

‘I wasn’t aware making nice on market day required you to chase every skirt you saw,’ Gaddes said peevishly. ‘Hello, my dear, does your mother know you’re out?’ he added, in a clumsy attempt to mock Allen’s smooth demeanour. ‘Oh, giggle, gasp, you’re ever so dreamy,’ he went on in a high-pitched stupid-girl voice. Smooth voice again – ‘Would you like to come up to my room and see my etchings?’

‘Oh, come now,’ said Allen. ‘It wasn’t like _that_.’

‘All right, not exactly like that,’ Gaddes admitted ungraciously. ‘I dunno. But you were talking to them a lot and you were flirting with them. You were.’

Allen regarded him with one eyebrow raised. ‘And did this make my sweetheart jealous?’

‘Well – yes! How would _you_ feel if you kept seeing me chatting up women?’

‘I don’t think I’d mind it, because I know you’re not interested in women.’

‘It’s nice that _you’re_ so confident, but then you don’t ever have to feel like you’re competing with a princess!’

Allen looked at him quizzically. ‘Gaddes, are you not joking about this?’

‘Of course I’m not bloody joking.’

‘Oh dear. Oh _dear_ – Gaddes, I thought you were just teasing. Am I really upsetting you? Do you really not know that – why, for goodness’ sake, I haven’t the slightest interest in any of those young ladies. You don’t need to be jealous. I love _you._ ’

‘Well, why are you flirting with them, then?’

‘I – I wasn’t really _aware_ that I was being friendlier than normal… I suppose… I suppose I have been trying to let people _see_ me talking to girls… as camouflage, as it were… come now, Gaddes, you know what I mean, it’s like what you were telling me about the, er, the working girls, it’s simply something you do to keep up appearances. Perhaps I _did_ flirt a little. I don’t know… it seems easier, when I’m so sure I love you and you love me. It seems harmless. I know I’ll never fall in love with a woman again. I don’t need to avoid that type of thing so fearfully any more. I’m safe. And I’m very, very sorry that I upset you. And you must know that the idea of you having to compete with Marlene is simply ridiculous. And you want to smile at me, I know it – you’re just trying to keep looking stern because you think the situation requires it.’

‘All right,’ Gaddes admitted, relenting. ‘I suppose when you put it that way it does make sense. If you’d just _told_ me in advance you were going to be doing camouflage, I wouldn’t have taken it the wrong way.’

‘I’m _extremely_ sorry,’ said Allen. ‘I humble myself at your feet. I kneel before you.’ He dropped to his knees and looked up at Gaddes impishly.

‘You’re going to get a reputation,’ Gaddes said, shaking his finger at him warningly. ‘People will say you’re a real ladykiller.’

‘ _People_ don’t know me,’ Allen replied. He placed a hand on Gaddes’ thigh, gently stroking upward. ‘You know me. Ladies are absolutely safe from my advances. I’m only interested in one gentleman.’ He rose a little higher on his knees, and reached for Gaddes’ waistband, sliding his hand under the hem of his tunic. ‘Perhaps I should give you a token of just how much I love you, so you can go back with your mind at rest.’ He unfastened the top button. ‘Is the, ah, gentleman’s gentleman at home to visitors?’

‘You are, of course, talking complete nonsense,’ Gaddes told him affectionately. ‘And if anyone sees us, we’ll be in shit up to our necks.’ He was offering no resistance to Allen’s gentle unbuttoning.

‘But no-one will see us, and nothing will happen – nothing we don’t like. The gentleman _is_ at home, but he’s been sleeping… only just waking up… I’ll need to waken him up some more.’

‘Oh yes.’ He let his hand rest on top of Allen’s head.

Just as he felt the first touch of Allen’s lips, they both heard footsteps outside and a voice calling ‘Boss? Sarge? Where’ve you got to?’

‘Oh, _shit_ ,’ said Gaddes, and disappeared sideways into the shadows of Scherazade’s cloak. Allen sprang to his feet, trying to smooth his hair; it was already a little ruffled by Gaddes stroking it. The door swung open and Baile put his head in, peering to see in the gloom.

‘Oh, there you are Boss,’ he said. ‘There’s a chap out here looking for you, he wants to talk about the Lamor track. And hey, have you seen the sarge? He’s gone missing.’

‘He’s here with me,’ Allen said, hoping his voice sounded normal. At least in this light Baile should not be able to see if he was blushing. ‘We thought some children had come in here to play and we came to shoo them away – they could get hurt. He’s just, just making sure none of them are hiding anywhere.’ _Has he had time to sort himself out?_

‘No-one hiding under the cloak,’ reported Gaddes’ muffled voice, co-operatively. ‘I think we had a false alarm.’

‘Well, finish checking and then come out,’ Allen told him. ‘I’ll go and see what this gentleman wants – thank you, Baile.’ He hurried away, feeling that he had had an extremely near escape.

As a sort of insurance, they rather avoided each other for the remainder of the day; in the evening, Allen got ready for bed alone, feeling rather downcast. The idea had been that they would turn in early, Gaddes would come to his room and they would bathe each other before going to bed; he had been looking forward to it all afternoon, anticipating the feeling of skin against soapy skin. But there was no sign of him; probably he had decided it would be prudent to stay apart for a little while. Perhaps he was not even coming; it might be their first night spent separately since their union.

Since he was alone, he dutifully went through his prayers, and tried to catch up with his diary, which he had rather neglected lately. Apart from cursory, note-form accounts of the major events of the days, and long pages of doodled hearts, flowers, interlocking initials and little portrait-sketches of Gaddes, it was suffering from a lack of content, and was certainly not the journal of self-examination and improvement that he had intended it to be when he began. He tried to write something about the conflict he felt between passion and duty, and how weak he had been in letting passion take priority lately (but how happy it made him to be so weak), but ended up drawing a picture of Gaddes wreathed around with grapevines, holding up a cup of wine. It was not a bad drawing, he felt; perhaps if his life had taken a different course he could have been an artist.

He had become quite absorbed in trying to refine the lines of Gaddes’ mouth to capture _exactly_ the way he smiled when the door abruptly opened and Gaddes darted in, then shut the door quickly and leaned his back against it.

‘What _are_ you…’ Allen began, but Gaddes shushed him, raising a finger to his lips.

‘I _think_ ,’ he said in a stage whisper, ‘I may have been _followed._ ’

‘Followed?’

‘Not a word – I have to make sure we’re safe. The enemy’s eyes are everywhere. Pretend I’m not here.’

‘What _are_ you carrying on about?’ Allen managed to finish his sentence, and began to laugh at Gaddes’ exaggerated sneaking along the far side of the room, trying to keep his back pressed to the wall.

‘Sshh! Discovery would mean disaster!’

‘You’re getting these lines from a yellow-backed novel, aren’t you?’ Allen asked. ‘Some melodramatic tale of suspense and foul play.’

Gaddes had reached the window; although the outer shutters were closed, the glass panes stood open to let air into the room. He dropped to the floor to crawl under it.

‘ _This_ is so They won’t see my shadow crossing the window,’ he explained.

‘Oh, no, you wouldn’t want Them to see a thing like that,’ Allen agreed, giggling. ‘Stop being ridiculous and come to bed, sweetheart.’

‘Bed? Ha, yes, you’d think we’d be safe in bed, but who knows what terrors may lurk beneath. An assassin with a stiletto – a venomous adder – a bogeyman that will grab your ankles when you get up to go to the loo! Fear not – I’ll flush them out.’ He rolled under the bed and began making dramatic sounds of a struggle, bumping the underside of the bedstead.

‘Stop it!’ Allen exclaimed, almost crying with laughter and trying to save the inkwell he had balanced on his knee.

‘Right! Threat vanquished, spies thwarted, fun begins _now!_ ’ Gaddes popped out from underneath and leapt onto the bed, causing a minor ink disaster in Allen’s hands.

‘You’re terrible,’ he protested, trying to hold his blackened hands clear while Gaddes kissed him. ‘I’m going to get this all over the sheets.’

‘We get stuff all over the sheets anyway,’ Gaddes said. ‘A bit of ink will look normal by comparison.’ He gave him a long, deep, argument-ending kiss, revelling in the eager response he felt.

‘No, but, you must let me wash my hands or I’ll put black handprints all over _you_ – your clothes too – it will look so suspicious in the laundry.’

‘Yikes,’ said Gaddes, ‘and after all my care to avoid detection. Go then – wash up – leave me alone. I’ll cope. I’ll read your diary and see if you say anything about me.’ He shooed him out of bed and settled himself with the little book. ‘Ah, you don’t _say_ anything about me, but you draw naughty pictures of me.’

‘Well, a diary is a place to inscribe your thoughts,’ Allen said, smiling as he scrubbed the ink from his fingers.

‘I see you still have grapes on the brain, and elsewhere. I’ve got something for you, incidentally.’

‘Oh? What?’ Allen asked eagerly.

‘But first… I think we should talk about that narrow squeak today.’

‘Yes, _that_ ,’ said Allen with a little grimace, drying his hands. ‘I should have thought… I got carried away.’

‘I think we need a new rule, that’s all,’ said Gaddes, holding up the side of the covers to let him back into bed. He had taken off his own boots and pants and settled down quite comfortably in his shirt and underwear. Letting Allen finish undressing him had become a bit of a ritual.

‘More diplomacy.’

‘Yep. I think we should say that – well, our guys here are pretty predictable. We know their routines and they know ours, so on an ordinary day it’s not too likely that they’d interrupt us. They never come up here or onto the roof unless they’re told to, so we’ve got those places private. It’s visitors who change all the patterns. I think for safety’s sake, we should just have the rule that as long as visitors are inside the fort walls, wherever they are, we act like Just Good Friends. No sneaking off together or anything. Instead of trying to hide stuff, it’s easier just not to do anything we’d need to hide.’

‘That’s going to be horribly hard work,’ Allen complained, nestling up against him.

‘Yeah, but we won’t have to do it _too_ often, or for too long at a time. Who ever comes here?’

‘That’s true, I suppose. All right, I’ll try. It’s about time I started using some self-discipline again.’

‘But for the love of God don’t start trying tonight.’

‘Oh, I wouldn’t – I couldn’t!’ A long embrace and soft, wet kisses. ‘Let’s play schoolboys again,’ said Allen, a little breathlessly. ‘Do you know I take art lessons too? I have to draw a nude. I want you to be my model.’

‘That reminds me of what I’ve got for you,’ said Gaddes. He leaned over to reach his trousers, dropped over the end of the bed, and took something from the pocket, a folded sheet of paper.

‘Is it another love-letter?’

‘No, it’s something I found in the market today. There was a guy selling second-hand books and magazines – and no, I didn’t buy a yellow-backed novel – he had a pile of old back numbers of the _Illustrated Pallas News_ , and I was having a look seeing if there were pictures of any of the things you’ve talked about. And they had a special number about the National Gallery, and the most famous pieces there, and prints of some of them, and look who I found.’ He unfolded the paper. ‘I bought the whole magazine, but I just wanted this one page. It’s got his name underneath it, too – he’s someone called Ganymede.’

‘It’s my grapes-boy,’ said Allen, taking the page and looking at it with a slightly nervous pleasure. ‘Oh, he _definitely_ is a boy, isn’t he? This isn’t a very good reproduction, but even so I was a very stupid child not to see it.’

‘Well, if you ever want to look at him now, you can,’ said Gaddes, kissing him on the cheek.

‘This is very, very sweet of you, but why would I want to look at a pretend paper boy when I can see _you_? Really, you’ve spoiled me for poor old Ganymede, whoever he may have been. I’ll draw your portrait and call it the New Ganymede – a more grown-up Ganymede who can’t _possibly_ be mistaken for a girl. I don’t want you to be as posey as he is – just to lie here on the bed, and I’ll draw you just as you really are.’ He began to unbutton Gaddes’ shirt.

‘But I don’t have any grapes,’ Gaddes protested, smiling.

‘That makes it better.’

‘I don’t think you’ll be able to hang me in a gallery.’

‘Why not? They’re full of pictures and statues of naked men. I’m a bit suspicious of artists these days.’

‘Yes, but not of naked men who are in quite the same mood as I am. You don’t see, f’rexample, “Arcadian Shepherd Getting a Gigantic Erection Because He Fancies the Artist So Much”. Give me your hand, sweetie… see what I’m talking about?’

‘Mm… all right. This portrait will be for a private collection.’

 

A few weeks went by, unremarkable except for their happiness. It became real summer; the nights were haunted by mosquitoes, but also by fireflies, and the days were golden-brown and done to a turn. Trade through the area was good that summer, and they even saw some large merchant airships, although they seldom stopped at so insignificant an outpost as Castelo Fort.

It was cause for remark, therefore, when an approaching airship was sighted, and it gave every sign of making for the fort – although its progress was somewhat erratic.

‘It doesn’t look big enough for a merchantman,’ Gaddes remarked, squinting at it from the battlements. ‘And it’s got all fancy flags.’

‘The royal standard,’ said Allen, holding a spyglass to his eye. ‘What in the world is a royal yacht doing out here? And who could possibly be on board? We would have had some notice of a royal visit.’

‘I definitely think they’re in trouble,’ Gaddes said. ‘They keep losing height in jerks. And they’re rolling all over the place.’

‘I hope they can land safely,’ said Allen, lowering the spyglass with a frown of consternation. ‘We must be ready to offer all possible assistance.’

No assistance was needed for the small airship to put down in the cleared area before the fort – although the last bit of the descent was rather precipitate, as if its lift had given out a couple of feet above the ground and it had fallen the rest of the way with a bump. The men of the fort approached cautiously; no-one was quite sure what to make of this. Only Allen, leading the way, looked as if he knew how to behave, which was reassuringly typical.

After a pause which suggested that people on board had been in rather a flurry of sorting themselves out, a door opened in the side of the ship and a small staircase was lowered. A herald emerged and blew a small trumpet fanfare.

‘Presenting,’ he said, in a nasal voice, ‘Her Royal Highness Millerna Sara Aston, Princess of Asturia.’ Mouths dropped open; even Allen looked a little startled.

‘Out of my _way_ , _please_ ,’ said a high, clear voice behind the herald. ‘I can’t _bear_ to be in there a moment longer – do you want me to be sick?’ He was not quite quick enough in moving aside to satisfy the owner of the voice, who elbowed him aside as she hurried out and down the stairway. At the sight of her, Allen dropped on one knee and bowed his head low; Gaddes was still catching up with events and stood staring at her. This princess was about eleven years old, short and skinny, with wide blue eyes and thick, wavy blonde hair tied back with a ribbon. She was wearing more frills in one outfit than Gaddes had seen in his life. She was probably going to grow up very pretty – she would be rather cute right now if she weren’t faintly green in the face.

‘Gaddes!’ Allen hissed at him. ‘Bow! And signal the men to do so!’

‘Whoops.’

After some initial confusion, the Castelo garrison bowed to royalty. Royalty more or less ignored them, as it had sat down on the ground, put its head between its knees (carefully holding its skirt so as not to show its legs) and was breathing slowly and deeply.

After a moment the little girl raised her head and shook back her bangs. ‘Phew,’ she said. ‘I think I’m all right. That was _ghastly_.’ At this point she appeared to take in the fact that several dozen men were trying to stare at her curiously while attempting to keep their heads respectfully bowed. (Several dozen more were making no such attempt, and just gawking.) Her cheeks, which had just regained a fairly natural colour, blushed deep pink and she scrambled to her feet, trying to brush the dust off her dress and look composed.

‘I – ah – who is in command?’

Allen rose to his feet with a liquid grace, and bowed again from the waist. ‘Allen Schezar of the Knights of Heaven, at your service, Princess Millerna,’ he said.

‘Thank you,’ she replied gravely. ‘I apologise for arriving in such disarray, but this is an unscheduled stop. Something’s gone wrong with the ship and it was tossing about _horribly_ and I said they _had_ to land at the first civilised place we saw,’ she continued, abandoning the effort to sound grown-up. ‘I was _extremely_ airsick.’

‘I’m so sorry to hear that, Princess. If Castelo Fort can afford you any practical assistance in the repair of your vessel we will be only too pleased to help. We are only a small outpost, but a loyal one.’

‘Not ‘arf,’ muttered someone behind Gaddes. He made an angry gesture at them behind his back. He was in a state approaching a tizzy, on all levels – as an officer, wondering how the hell he could get the men to behave themselves well enough to be seen by a princess for however long she was going to be here, as an Asturian subject, who quite liked the idea of the monarchy as long as he personally didn’t have to entertain it, and as Allen’s friend – he could not imagine how he must feel, speaking to the sister of his lost first love.

‘May I ask, Millerna-hime… your journey?’

‘We are on our way to Fanelia for a state visit,’ she replied, resuming her official tone. ‘We shall require a place to stay for tonight.’

‘That may not be necessary, Millerna-hime,’ said a square-built man in the uniform of the royal guardsmen, who had just disembarked from the ship; he seemed to have some authority. ‘We’ll do everything we can to ensure that you don’t have to stop here overnight.’

Princess Millerna turned and looked at him rather scornfully. ‘ _Thank_ you, Captain,’ she said, ‘but I have had quite enough of being bumped about for one day, and I wish to rest. I’m sure Sir Allen’s men will be able to help you fix whatever it is that’s gone wrong. It’s a very hot day and I should like to go somewhere indoors and shady.’ She looked up at Allen – not hopefully, Gaddes thought, not demandingly – it was just that she was sure he would do exactly what she wanted. It was a certainty for her.

Of course, as far as obliging young ladies of noble birth went, it was a certainty for Allen too. He offered her his arm, to the obvious irritation of the captain, who was trying to order out an honour guard from the ship. A number of the men coming out looked as if they had suffered from motion sickness too – or, in the case of some with visible bruises, the bump of the landing. At a motion from Gaddes, the men of the fort, who were looking inclined to snigger, fell back and awaited orders.

The princess gracefully placed her hand in the crook of Allen’s elbow and allowed herself to be escorted towards the path up to the fort. At the foot of the slope she stopped and looked up at it uncertainly.

‘My shoes aren’t really suitable for climbing,’ she said.

 _They must be bloody useless shoes,_ thought Gaddes.

‘I do apologise, Millerna-hime,’ said Allen, as if it were his silly mistake to have a fort at the top of a tall stockade. ‘Sergeant, help me make a chair for Her Highness.’

‘What? Oh, right. Sir!’ They made a seat of their crossed and linked hands which the princess sat down on, steadying herself with a hand on each man’s shoulders, and allowed herself to be lifted and carried up the path.

 _I have my hands under a princess’ bottom,_ Gaddes thought with some perplexity. _It would be something to tell the grandkids, if I was going to have any._ It was rather hot work carrying her uphill in the sun; Allen, of course, looked as cool as peppermint.

He looked back over his shoulder; all the others were staring up at them.

‘Don’t just look at us, you wallies,’ he called back, ‘help the visitors. Do I have to tell you everything?’ He turned back to find the princess looking at him with her eyebrows raised.

‘Is that how you always speak to your men, Sergeant?’ she asked.

‘It beats hitting them with a stick,’ he said. ‘Princess.’ _I have_ no _idea how to talk to her. If I say the wrong thing am I going to get beheaded or something? And I’m embarrassing Allen. This is awful._

To his surprise and relief, she giggled, but then turned away as if she were shutting him off and proceeded to talk entirely to Allen, who had to try to stop looking mortified in a hurry. Gaddes felt rather horrible about letting him down this way, and resolved to keep his mouth shut as much as possible. He tried looking at the princess’ shoes, which were small and dainty and made of pale-pink satin. No wonder she didn’t want to tramp about in them.

‘I’ve just placed you, Allen,’ said Millerna. ‘You were at court last year, weren’t you? I remember everyone talking about your prowess at fencing. What a shame you couldn’t stay.’

‘I was very sorry to leave, Millerna-hime,’ Allen said, ‘but my duty called me here.’

‘What a bore,’ she said sympathetically. She then proceeded to chatter away about everything he was missing; it took them right up the hill and into the yard, where, after some hasty consultation, they decided to take her to the verandah off the gallery above the great hall. Once they were indoors they let her down from her perch to walk under her own steam; Gaddes shook his hands out and Allen frowned at him, although surely his own wrists were tired.

‘What an impressive hall,’ the princess said politely, looking up at the faded hangings.

‘We hardly use it,’ Gaddes said, forgetting himself. ‘Millerna-hime,’ he added quickly, trying to copy Allen’s term for her. ‘Uh – the stairs are this way,’ he said, going to show the way, but Allen blocked him with an arm.

‘You walk up stairs _behind_ a lady,’ he muttered under his breath. ‘Behind her up stairs, before her down stairs. _Please_ , Gaddes.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Gaddes hissed back, ‘but I never needed to learn these rules before!’

Allen shot him a look; _I know you’re trying_ , it said, _but this is a desperate situation!_

Keeping a respectful distance behind the princess, they saw her up to the verandah, where she stood with her hands on the railing and stared out at the swampland, baking under the afternoon sun.

‘I hope your stay with us will be pleasant, Millerna-hime,’ Allen said uncertainly.

‘Please – I’m _so_ tired, and my head aches terribly,’ she said, and to their shared shock and embarrassment, began to cry.

Gaddes quickly dragged a chair over; Allen, with a thankful glance, guided the princess to sit down.

‘I’m so sorry, Millerna-hime – please, don’t cry – do you have a handkerchief? Take mine…’

‘I’ll go and see about some willow tea for her head,’ said Gaddes, hastening to the door.

‘It’s been a _beastly_ day,’ Millerna moaned, and blew her nose quite loudly into Allen’s clean white handkerchief.

As he ran down the stairs Gaddes almost collided with the captain of the guard.

‘Where is Her Highness?’ the man demanded sharply.

‘She’s upstairs, and she’s not feeling well, so leave her alone,’ he snapped back. ‘Nice job looking after her, by the way.’ It was a bit mean to take out his own feeling of incompetence on someone else, but it was certainly a relief.

‘What have you done to her?’ the captain barked.

‘ _Done_ to her? We haven’t had _time_ to do anything to her. She’s overtired. Don’t you know anything about kids? Give her a rest.’

‘I shall speak to your commander about your insubordinate attitude, Sergeant.’

‘Go ahead. See if he gives a hoot.’ Gaddes side-stepped around the man and went off on his mission.

When he got back with the cup of tea, the princess had composed herself and dried her eyes; although she was still a bit pale she looked much more cheerful. She and Allen were having a quite animated conversation about horses; Gaddes paused in the doorway for a moment just to enjoy how Allen looked, leaning forward in his chair, eyes bright with interest. He knew how flattering it was to be the focus of that interest; it made him feel a little envious of the princess, but really, there was no need; he could have the same any time, and since he was feeling a bit sorry for her too he could be charitable and share Allen.

He wasn’t sure what would be the polite way to draw attention to his presence; after a moment he tried coughing quietly and that seemed to do the trick.

‘Oh good,’ Allen said. ‘Thank you, Gaddes.’

‘It’s quite hot,’ Gaddes said as he gave the cup to Millerna, ‘so sip carefully, eh?’ _No, no, idiot, you don’t say ‘eh’ to princesses. Princess!_ ‘Millerna-hime,’ he added quickly. _What am I going to do next, start dropping my aitches?_

‘Thank you, Gaddes,’ she said, and gave him quite a nice smile. She tried the tea and evidently decided to let it cool a bit before having any more. ‘Allen was just telling me about the horses you have here at the fortress.’

‘Yes, well, we don’t use them much except right around the fort - they’re not good in the swamp, so we mostly use boats or walk out there.’ He sneaked a quick glance at Allen to see if he was doing all right; Allen gave him a nod of cautious approval. ‘Do you like horses, Millerna-hime?’

‘Oh, yes! I was so sorry to come on this trip because my pony, Clover, is just getting over a very nasty colic and I wanted to stay and look after him. But _noblesse oblige_.’ She noticed his politely blank expression. ‘That is, royalty has certain obligations.’

 _You’re a funny little muddle, aren’t you - trying to sound grown-up and proper a lot of the time, and slipping whenever you get started on something you’re really keen on._ He found himself liking the slipped Millerna rather a lot, although he suspected that the proper Millerna was taking a patronising view of him, his accent and his clothes, and thinking he was an impudent fellow to smile at her. Not that it worried him. His main concern was whether Allen seemed to need moral support, but he looked all right - even quite cheerful.

‘If there’s nothing else you want me to do, Boss, I’ll go down and see what’s the story with the yacht,’ he suggested.

‘I don’t care what’s wrong with it or how quickly it can be fixed, I’m not stirring until I’ve had a proper night’s sleep on a bed that doesn’t move about,’ said Millerna stubbornly. ‘And if Captain Savoy tries to chivvy you, Gaddes, you may tell him I said so.’

‘But Gaddes… we’ve just heard from Captain Savoy about you a few minutes ago… I would ask you to be diplomatic,’ Allen added.

‘Diplomacy is ever my watchword, you know that, Boss,’ said Gaddes, with a smile and a small wink over his shoulder as he left. He felt rather like sighing instead; the implications were obvious. The only way Millerna could sleep in a proper bed in the fort, in anything like the conditions suitable for a princess, was if Allen gave up his room to her; so he, presumably, would migrate down to his bunk on the _Crusade_ , and the rules of ‘diplomacy’ would require Gaddes to stick to his own room. Unless, he thought, brightening up a bit, Millerna had a lady’s maid or something who would want to use his room. If you could ask a lady’s maid to sleep in a hammock. Maybe not. No getting round it, probably; he would just have to be patient. It was only for tonight.

Unfortunately, as he discovered when he talked to the fort’s engineer and the one belonging to the royal yacht, it was going to take at least a couple of days to effect the necessary repairs. He didn’t have the technical knowledge to understand exactly what had gone wrong, but it seemed that the altitude control system, which worked by heating the floating stones to make the ship descend, and cooling them to make it rise, had gone haywire and heated one stone to the point where it cracked and became wildly unreliable. The stone could be quite easily replaced, but a large quantity of delicate machinery would have to be taken apart and carefully examined  and tested to determine what had made the malfunction happen in the first place, parts might have to be sent for if what they had at the fort for _Crusade_ was inadequate, and all in all it looked like being a bit of a project. The engineers looked rather keen at the prospect, although the royal one kept explaining in an embarrassed tone that he had only just been assigned to the yacht for this voyage and whatever had gone wrong must have done so under his predecessor. He was probably rather conscious of the dirty looks he was receiving from Captain Savoy, who obviously was not happy about remaining in the swamp for any extended period.

‘Well, okay,’ Gaddes said, resignedly. ‘Just do whatever you need to, guys, and let me know how it goes.’ They bustled off together with a contented babble of jargon.

‘This situation is _extremely_ unsatisfactory,’ Captain Savoy said, bristling. He had the sort of clipped moustache that Gaddes generally took a dislike to, prickly and rather savage-looking; he imagined that if there was a Mrs Savoy she must breathe a sigh of relief every time her husband went away on a mission and she didn’t have to be kissed by him for a while. _Nor will I be kissed as long as he’s here, so I’m sorry, Mrs Savoy, I’ll try to get him back to you as soon as possible._

‘I’m not exactly thrilled about it either,’ Gaddes replied. ‘Look, I’m sorry you’re being delayed, but there’s nothing I can do about it personally. Our guys will help your guys get things fixed up, and you can go as soon as it’s done. It won’t hurt your schedule that much. I don’t think Fanelia’s the kind of place that gets in a snit with you if you’re a few days late for an appointment. You’re doing them a favour going at all.’

‘It’s not the loss of time that concerns me, it’s the fact that this is an entirely unsuitable environment for the princess.’ He looked around with visible distaste. It didn’t help that as his gaze swept the barracks yard it took in one man eating a sandwich, four more putting bets on a game of Two-Up, and another fellow meditatively picking his nose. Next to the neatly uniformed guards from Pallas, the men of the fort hardly looked like soldiers; until you saw what the proper army was supposed to look like you didn’t always realise how close they were in many ways to the bandits they apprehended.

‘All right, we’re a bit relaxed,’ Gaddes admitted. ‘But it’s not like she’s going to be exposed to bad influences. She’s up there with the Boss right now.’

‘Are you being facetious, Sergeant? That’s precisely what concerns me.’

It took Gaddes a moment to work out what he was getting at. _My, my. So Allen’s got quite a reputation already - it was just waiting to catch up with him out here in the sticks._ He gave the captain a cheerful grin. ‘Listen, mate, you’ve got nothing to worry about. I know him very well and I can tell you the princess is as safe with him as if she were his own little sister.’

‘That’s as may be,’ Savoy said coldly, ‘and I will thank you to refrain from calling me “mate.” _Relaxed_ is not the word for this place. _Shambolic_ might come closer.’ He turned on his heel and stalked off to find someone to growl at. Gaddes shrugged. He supposed the next thing in order was to see that Allen’s bed had clean sheets and a freshly-turned mattress.


	13. Chapter 13

That night he lay in his hammock feeling thoroughly out of sorts. Now that he was used to sharing a bed it felt both uncomfortable and lonely. Bits of him kept querulously demanding to know why they weren’t being enjoyably manhandled by this time of night, and he couldn’t touch himself knowing that there were strangers in the next room (the princess and _two_ maids) who, given the thinness of the wall, probably would hear if he made any unusual noises. There hadn’t even been a sunset talk this evening, because Allen had been busy showing the fort to Millerna, who had expressed a strong interest in the fortifications once her headache was gone. Allen’s façade was so smooth and assured that there was no way to tell if he felt as frustrated and dismayed by the separation as Gaddes did; he just had to assume and hope.

He kept contemplating sneaking down to _Crusade_ , but he knew perfectly well that wasn’t an option. The engineers were borrowing bits of its engine (to be replaced later) in order to repair the yacht, and would be in and out of the cave all night, judging by their enthusiasm. There was no privacy to be had there. Even in his own room he was forced to make concessions to the royal presence in the next room; at Allen’s suggestion in the only hurried private conversation they’d had that evening, he was wearing a borrowed nightrobe in case for any reason he should be seen by one of the visiting ladies.

He lay in the dark for a long time without feeling remotely sleepy. The fort grew quiet; it would be a while before the night patrols returned for handover. He could hear Natal’s hunting cry outside; the owl had been exhibited to the princess, who had seemed delighted with him. _You’d be pleased to see me stuck like this tonight, you malevolent featherduster._

He heard a quiet squeak of door-hinges and a light footstep in the corridor, too light to be an adult’s. A moment later there was a tap on his door, soft and hesitant. That certainly wasn’t Allen; he couldn’t think who else it might be. Rolling out of his hammock, he padded over to open the door.

Princess Millerna was standing there in a white ribbon-trimmed nightgown, looking ill at ease. Gaddes blinked at her, bewildered.

‘Um - what’s the matter, Millerna-hime?’

‘I - I didn’t want to wake my maids, because they were airsick even worse than I was and I thought they should be allowed to sleep.’

‘That was nice of you,’ he said, still in the dark figuratively and literally.

‘And… and I have a small problem.’

‘Can I help?’

‘There’s - there’s a chamber pot in the bedroom, but I don’t feel comfortable using one. Is there no lavatory in the fort?’ She looked furiously embarrassed at having to admit that she needed such a convenience, particularly to a man, but obviously she had been driven to it. She was shifting her weight from one foot to the other in a way that bespoke a very urgent call of nature.

‘There’s a long-drop downstairs, but that’s the best we’ve got. Will that be all right for you?’

‘I - I suppose so. Please, can you show me the way?’

‘Of course I can. Hold on a moment and I’ll get us a light.’ He went back into his room to light a candle, and returned with it to guide her down the corridor.

‘I’m sorry to wake you, Gaddes,’ she said, twisting her hands together uncomfortably.

‘I hadn’t gone to sleep yet. It’s no trouble. If there’s anything I can do while you’re here, to make things a bit more comfortable, just give me a yell, okay? Me or the Boss. Allen, I mean.’ They came to the staircase; trying to remember Allen’s rules, he started down ahead of her, holding the candle up to light her way.

‘You two are friends, aren’t you?’ she asked, creeping along behind him. Both of them were talking in whispers.

‘Um - yes.’ _Is it all right to say that? It should be._

‘I thought you were,’ she said, sounding rather pleased. ‘He thinks highly of you. I’m glad he has a friend; it’s rather sad for him to have to live so far away from any kind of society.’

‘Well, I try to keep him company. We go left at the bottom here - there’s a step up just ahead, watch your feet. The floor’s not all one level.’

‘What do you think of him?’

‘I - well, I think he’s great. He’s a good commander. A good man. Good friend, too.’ _God, that was lukewarm. But I can’t exactly say I think he’s the most wonderful, beautiful, delectable boy in existence._

‘You see, I’ve heard people say things about him that weren’t particularly nice.’

Gaddes looked back at her, over his shoulder. Her candlelit face looked very trusting.

‘He isn’t perfect, so he makes mistakes like everyone else,’ he said. ‘But I can definitely tell you that he’s a kind, honourable person. He’s the best man I know, and I’d trust him with my life. You can trust him too.’

‘I _knew_ it was just unkind gossip,’ she said with a sigh of relief. ‘People can be so spiteful and envious. If he were really a rake I’m sure my sister wouldn’t have liked him so much.’

Gaddes was startled. ‘Marlene?’

‘No, my other sister, Eries. Marlene’s older than Allen, silly. And she has a husband!’

‘Of course. Sorry, I got the two of them mixed up for a moment. Big sister, middle sister, you know.’

‘If more nice people like Allen were still at court, perhaps it wouldn’t be so dull now Marlene’s gone,’ Millerna said wistfully. ‘Eries is no fun. All she does is mope about and read. And no-one takes _me_ seriously because I’m only a little girl. The nicest thing that happens is when I get to go riding, or get a letter from Marlene. And I get pushed about all the time, and have to do the jobs Eries doesn’t want to do. That’s why I’m going to boring old Fanelia. It won’t be any fun _there_ either. It was quite nice the last time I went, when Mother was still alive, but that was when… well, before all those sad things happened to their royal family. The older prince, Folken, was so friendly and gentle - he talked to me when Van, who’s my age, just blew a raspberry at me and ran off to play with his cat. All the nice people seem to disappear or go away.’

‘Um - the loo’s just through this door,’ Gaddes said. He felt out of his depth. _What is it that makes people tell me their problems? Do I just look trustworthy, or something? And who’d believe the upper crust were such miserable beggars, by the sound of it? Well, they say money doesn’t buy happiness. Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown, and all that._

‘Oh, thank _heaven_ ,’ said Millerna, darting in. After a moment she put her head out again. ‘You’ll wait for me to come out, won’t you? I’m not sure I could find the way back in the dark.’

‘Of course I’ll wait.’

She wrinkled her nose a little. ‘It smells in here.’

‘Sorry about that.’ He positioned himself in front of the door, as if standing guard, and hummed a tune, tactfully drowning the sound of a little girl going to the toilet. After a minute, she emerged, looking much more comfortable.

‘All set?’

‘Yes, thank you. This has certainly been an experience. I never had to sit on a board with a hole cut in it before.’

‘I hope you didn’t get splinters.’

‘I hovered. I wasn’t sure it was very clean.’

‘That’s probably very sensible.’ He paused, replaying the conversation in his head. ‘Um… I think I’ve really been too familiar in how I’ve been speaking to you. I’m sorry.’

‘Oh, I don’t mind. Under the circumstances it would just be silly to try to be formal. You’ve been perfectly polite and helpful.’

‘I’m not used to special manners, you see, and I keep forgetting when I’m talking.’

‘I know… I do that too. I’m trying to train myself to speak like a lady. One day I’ll speak _beautifully_ , just like Mother.’

‘I wish I could speak as well as the Boss does. _His_ manners are always perfect.’

‘I do hope he doesn’t think I’m babyish, or silly.’

‘Why would he? Don’t worry about it. I think your mother’d be proud of how you speak.’ He stood aside to let her go up the stairs ahead of him; at least he was getting that much right.

‘Thank you,’ she said, and lapsed into a thoughtful silence. When they reached the door of Allen’s room, she said ‘Gaddes, you do understand, don’t you, that this conversation is - is confidential. You wouldn’t repeat anything I’ve said to anyone, would you?’

‘Never, on my honour. If there’s one thing I do well it’s keep secrets.’

‘Well… not _secret_ … just private. Good night, Gaddes.’ She slipped away into Allen’s room.

‘Right,’ said Gaddes to the candle. ‘Back to the lonely hammock.’

 

In the early hours of the morning, he was awakened from a fairly restful sleep by sounds of sobbing next door; then, unmistakably, the noise of someone being sick. Out of practice with the hammock, he flipped himself onto the floor in a sleepy effort to get up, then stumbled out into the corridor and knocked on the door.

‘Are you all right in there?’ he called. ‘Sounds like someone’s not very happy.’

The door was opened a crack and Millerna looked out at him. ‘Lilabet’s not well,’ she said, ‘and Amie’s not at _all_ well. I don’t know what’s the matter but they’ve filled the potty. Could you bring some bowls and old towels?’

‘Right, right. Listen, are _you_ okay? Millerna-hime?’ He scrubbed a hand through his hair, trying to wake himself up properly.

‘I’m perfectly all right,’ she said. ‘I think they have food poisoning. I had dinner with Allen, but they would have had food from the provisions we brought, and I thought the shrimp was on the turn at lunch. I didn’t have any, and they weren’t hungry then because they were airsick, so they ate the leftovers for dinner, silly girls. Could you bring those things, and then have some water boiled?’ It surprised him how composed she sounded. She kept her composure, too, as she made the wretched girls comfortable, wiped their mouths with a wet cloth and held cups of boiled water for them to drink. Gaddes trotted back and forth, taking the chamber pot and an unpleasantly full bowl to tip down the long-drop, taking Lilabet down to the long-drop when she suddenly sat up and said she needed to go _right_ now, trying not to wake anyone up (he had gone to the kitchen for the water and bowls himself), taking _Amie_ to the long-drop, and generally following Millerna’s orders. It felt strange to spend so much time around women; he supposed he was lucky he wasn’t in a position to be put off them, because Lilabet and Amie in the throes of a violent tummy upset would certainly have shattered any idea he might have had of feminine mystique.

‘Millerna-hime, it really isn’t right, you looking after us,’ Amie said weakly as she settled down to try to sleep again. Lilabet was already dozing in her one of the two cots put up in the middle of the room.

‘Don’t be silly,’ said Millerna briskly, ‘it’s all good practice. Don’t worry about me in the morning. You two may sleep as late as you like, and I’ll look after myself. Good night, now.’ She turned away from the cot and smiled wearily at Gaddes, who had sat down on the end of the bed until he should be needed. He stood up again, a little guiltily, wondering whether it looked wrong to seem too comfortable in this room.

‘Thank you very much for all your help,’ she said.

‘You’re welcome,’ he said. ‘Do you need me any more, or shall I be off?’

‘Please tuck me in,’ she said, crawling back into bed. It surprised him rather.

‘Do you still get tucked in at night?’

‘Of course,’ she said, giving him an uncomprehending look.

‘All right, then.’ As well as he could remember from occasionally helping to look after younger cousins, he did as she asked. ‘All comfortable?’

‘Yes, thank you,’ she said, settling the pillow between her shoulder and her cheek as she lay on her side.

‘By the way…’

‘Yes?’

‘What did you mean about good practice? Do you expect to be looking after puking maids all your life?’

‘I want to be a nurse,’ she said. ‘Or possibly even a doctor. Do you really want to hear? Mostly people don’t.’

‘I think I’d like to hear,’ he said, sitting down again. ‘Can you do that when you’re a princess?’

‘That’s what everyone thinks,’ she said, rolling her eyes impatiently. ‘But I’m only a third princess, who’ll never have to be queen, so I shall have lots of time on my hands, and I would rather use it doing something helpful than just drinking tea and going shopping.’

‘I think that sounds really good,’ said Gaddes. ‘How did you think of it?’

‘Well,’ she said, and covered her mouth as she yawned slightly, ‘I decided because of Mother. When she died the doctors couldn’t do anything for her. I decided that I would just have to be a doctor myself and invent lots of new operations and medicines to cure people. When I’m grown up… if you get sick come and see me.’ She yawned again, her eyes half closed.

‘I’ll remember that,’ said Gaddes. ‘Good night or good morning.’ He patted her hand, lying on top of the covers, and left quietly.

She woke him in the proper morning, even before reveille, tapping on the door. He resisted the impulse to growl ‘ _Now_ what?’ She was all dressed, except that the laces of her neat little boots were trailing, her hair was hanging loose and her dress looked oddly bunched.

‘Help,’ she said as he opened the door. ‘My dress does up in the back and I tried to button it myself but I think it’s all wrong.’ She turned her back to him and waited expectantly.

 _Eleven years old, gets tucked in at night, not used to buttoning her own dress or tying her own shoes. The rich are different._ Patiently, he knelt and undid her mis-buttoned dress and re-fastened it.

‘I really shouldn’t let a man see my underclothes,’ she said, squirming nervously, ‘but I couldn’t think who else to ask when the girls are both sleeping, and I think you’re safe - you _are_ safe, aren’t you Gaddes? You were a gentleman when I was in my nightie.’

‘Of course I’m safe. Try and hold still, these buttons are quite little.’ _I’m perfectly safe, and anyway you’re a child._

‘Would you tie my shoes for me too, please?’ She turned around and held out one foot.

 _A nice, bright child, but in some ways quite a baby._ He bent and tied the laces. ‘All right?’

‘And…’ She held out her hand with a pink ribbon in it. ‘Will you tie back my hair, please?’

‘Yes,’ he said, suppressing a sigh. ‘I guess I’m the world’s only army-sergeant-cum-lady’s-maid. Ponytail good enough?’

‘Yes, thank you.’

‘You really ought to learn to tie bows, Millerna-hime. A girl your age…’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Most girls your age can dress themselves.’

‘I _did_ dress myself!’

‘They dress themselves every day, I mean.’

‘Well, _most_ girls my age aren’t _princesses_ ,’ she snapped, and stamped away without a backward glance.

 _Right,_ thought Gaddes. _There we have the line we don’t cross._ Outside, reveille sounded; he stumbled back into his room to get dressed.

He spent most of breakfast trying to decide whether he thought Allen looked as though he hadn’t slept well either. It was a strange thing to be painfully missing someone who was sitting directly opposite him at the same table, eating toast and marmalade and drinking tea the way he did every morning.

 _Lime marmalade, milk, no sugar. He always likes the same thing. Oh, he has pretty lips…_ Their eyes met for a moment.

‘You know, if you want some, it makes more sense to ask than to just sit there looking hungrily,’ said Allen, pushing the marmalade jar towards him.

 _Oops. I think I’ve just been given a gentle warning. Unless it was a tease. In which case I’ll have to give him a good ticking off about breaking the rules of diplomacy. As soon as we’re alone. But as soon as we’re alone I’ll need to kiss him… come on now, be sensible, missing one night together is not the end of the world, and missing two or three nights should be no worse, now really, think of all the nights you’ve managed to go alone before… but that was_ before _, before I knew all his tastes and scents and sounds and sighs, before he slept in my arms and woke me with kisses. And it’s_ boring _not to get to talk with him, and goof around the way we do. I’m_ lonely.

‘Gaddes?’

‘What? Sorry.’ He blinked at Allen’s enquiring look. ‘I’m not really awake yet.’

‘I was saying that today we might show the princess a little of the swamp.’

‘Is it safe?’ Millerna put in, looking worried. At her own insistence, she was eating at the same table as Allen, and had irritably dismissed Captain Savoy when he tried to sit next to her to supervise.

‘Oh, perfectly safe as long as you’re with me,’ said Allen, smiling. ‘You must know that as a knight I am bound to protect you, Millerna-hime. And as a gentleman, I would be ashamed to let any harm come to you.’

Millerna gave him a beaming smile and turned a little pink. _Oh, good grief_ , thought Gaddes. _He should have to have a Charm Licence, or something. He’s a danger to shipping._ Allen had moderated his flirting recently, saying that he didn’t want to seem to be trying _too_ hard, but Gaddes was pretty sure he was fully aware of - and rather enjoyed - the effect he could have on women with so little effort. It was the only little spark of vanity in his character, and it seemed pretty harmless.

‘I like to please women,’ he had said on one occasion, when Gaddes had teased him about being a ladies’ man. ‘They deserve to be pleased. If I can make them feel special with a little attention, why shouldn’t I?’ Then he had realised how conceited that sounded and started gabbling a great many disclaimers about there being no accounting for taste, before getting cross with Gaddes for laughing, and trying, but failing, to sulk.

Showing the princess a little of the swamp merely meant taking her for a little ride on horseback along the Lamor track, newly cleared and tamed. She asked eager questions about everything she saw, and evidently regarded Allen as quite brilliant.

‘Really, Millerna-hime, you flatter me. I don’t do all this by myself. I would get nowhere without Gaddes, and without the hard work of my men. In fact it was Gaddes who suggested what we’ve done in this area. He’s often more practical-minded than I.’

Millerna spared Gaddes an unimpressed glance. ‘It must be awfully lonely for you,’ she said sympathetically to Allen.

‘Too busy to be lonely, I expect,’ said Captain Savoy, from behind. He had insisted on coming along, and persisted in attempting to ride between the knight and the princess as a sort of conversational buffer zone. His efforts were hampered by the fact that the trail was not really broad enough to permit this manoeuvre, and by the lack of rapport between him and his borrowed horse. It had not been deliberate on anyone’s part, as far as Gaddes knew, but he had been given the most cross-grained animal in Castelo’s stable and it was distinctly reluctant to co-operate with him. A number of the men with them were smirking at his dificulties; his own men were represented by only a few soldiers, since the stomach trouble suffered by the princess’ maids seemed to have broken out among her honour guard too. Besides the fact that it would be hospitable to show Millerna around a bit, Allen had presumably taken into account that it would be thoroughly unpleasant for her to spend a day in a fortress full of people being sick and queueing for the toilet.

By contrast, it was rather lovely out on the trail today; the abundant greenness and dappled shade of the swamp foliage offset the blue-gold heat of the sunny sky, and there was a soft, friendly wind that made the treetops gently roll and billow; looking out from Castelo’s battlements you might have thought yourself on a rocky island in the midst of a great green sea. That was the way Gaddes saw it; he seemed to be good for nothing but fantasy today.

 _What does that make us moving through it?_ he wondered. _A flotilla of little boats? No, then we’d be above the treetops. Merpeople, riding seahorses or dolphins? I’ve seen Allen as a merman before. And I’m just going to sit here daydreaming about him, aren’t I? Yep. No matter what I start out to think about it’s going to come back to images of him. I wake up and walk down to the beach, and find him washed ashore, with ribbonweed and pearls tangled in his golden hair, and bands of sea-ivory on his arms. My merman knight with a narwhal lance, my sea-unicorn. In the ocean he fights battles with sea-serpents, with pirates and sharks._

As if he had summoned them with his thoughts, the sharks and pirates of the swamp abruptly decided to make an appearance. As they rounded a corner near a curving riverbank, and Allen paused to point out to Millerna a mud-covered alligator slumbering in the sun, there was a sharp signal whistle and bandits rushed out from concealment. It was almost comical how obviously they wished to rush back once they saw who they had ambushed; clearly a mistake had been made. But there was no going back now, and the gang seemed to take heart from their superiority in numbers to the small party from the fort.

‘Protect the princess!’ Allen cried, cutting off Captain Savoy before he could give an order. He forced his own startled horse around to block the path of a man racing in with a club held shoulder-high, taking advantage of the height of his mount to deliver a sharp kick to his jaw, dropping him to the ground. With shocking rapidity the scene had become a mêlée; fighting men everywhere. Only the officers and the princess were on horseback; their way was impeded by struggling foot-soldiers. Gaddes realised that he was the closest to Millerna; she had screamed once as the bandits first burst out, but seemed to be trying to keep her head and control her horse, which, unnerved by the combination of an unfamiliar rider and sudden attack, was showing a tendency to rear. The princess looked terrified, staring wildly around for some means of escape. He ploughed his way towards her, bringing the blade and butt of his sword down alternately upon the heads and shoulders of the enemy.

‘Archers!’ she shouted at him, sparing a hand from the reins to point to the trees across the path; before he had time to look an arrow stood in her horse’s shoulder, and she and it both screamed. The horse did rear then, wildly, almost throwing her off; she lost her grip on the reins and hung on with both arms around its neck. Gaddes managed to catch the reins as the animal plunged back down, shouting for it to be still. At least it recognised a familiar voice of authority, and settled a little. Gaddes felt that he had his hands pretty full right here, but he risked a look over his shoulder to see how the others fared. Captain Savoy’s horse had fallen with an arrow in its throat, but he was on his feet and hacking at his assailants. Someone had had the bright idea or good luck of driving a couple of bandits down towards the riverbank, where they had disturbed the sleeping alligator and been attacked; the amber-brown water was filling with clouds of red blood and black mud, and vee-shaped ripples in the stream suggested that more alligators were coming. An archer fell from his tree, screaming, with one of Oruto’s throwing knives in his chest. Golden hair caught the sunlight and Gaddes’ desperate eyes found Allen, still on horseback and driving the bandits down the path before him.

 _He’s all right, then,_ he thought, and was instantly a little ashamed of himself for the feeling that in that case nothing else mattered too much. Allen wheeled around, steel flashing in a singing arc, shouted his name. Startled, Gaddes realised that there was a clear space behind him and Millerna.

‘Take her home!’ Allen yelled, then rode to a Pallas guard’s assistance.

‘Come on,’ said Gaddes, bringing the panicking horse’s head around with a jerk and giving his own mount a sharp jab to get it moving. They thundered away in a bewildering jumble of light and shade, the sunbeams cutting through the treetops seeming to flash and flicker wildly as the horses ran beneath. An arrow hissed after them, but struck a tree harmlessly, and there was no further pursuit. Still, Gaddes kept them moving at a gallop for a good couple of minutes more before he felt safe to pause and take stock.

Millerna was in less of a state than he had expected; she looked upset and breathless, but had kept her seat well, and was obviously not planning to cry.

The first words out of her mouth were ‘Will he be all right? I mean will they?’

‘They’ll be fine,’ Gaddes told her curtly. _I didn’t want to leave you there, I want to be with you and help you. I won’t feel right until I see you again and know you’re okay._

‘How _brave_ ,’ said Millerna. ‘Nothing like that has _ever_ happened to me in my _life_.’

‘Yeah, well, we don’t want anything else like that to happen, so let’s get back to the fort.’

‘Were those men bandits? Would they have robbed us? Or kidnapped me?’

‘If they knew who you were, I suppose so, but I don’t think they did; they were too disorganised. They didn’t size us up before attacking, and got more than they bargained for. That’s one of the problems we’ve had since clearing out the old gangs - bloody amateurs coming in thinking they can take over. The old gangs were dirty bastards but they knew the area and they knew what they were doing - they were good bandits, if that makes sense. These people… we can handle them, but they waste a lot of our time. And they do stupid things, like attacking us so near the fort, on a trail that it’s a point of pride with us to keep clear. As soon as you and I get there we’re sending reinforcements, and we’ll come down on them like a ton of bricks. They’ll be sorry.’ He started down the path again, motioning her to follow.

‘I don’t think my horse is all right,’ Millerna said. ‘He’s limping.’ Gaddes looked back over his shoulder. It was true; there was a thick trail of blood from where the arrow still stuck in the horse’s flesh, and it had the bulging-eyed look of an animal exhausted and in pain. If it was pushed, it might collapse.

‘We’ll slow down a little, but we can’t stop,’ he warned. ‘Someone can look after him when we get back. The Boss told me to take you home and that’s what I’m doing, limp or no limp.’

‘Even in the middle of a battle, he thought of me,’ Millerna said, sounding awed. ‘He’s such a gentleman.’

‘Of course he thought of you,’ Gaddes said, a little irritably. ‘Anyone would.’ He paused, thinking as they trotted along. ‘Millerna-hime?’

‘Yes?’ She spoke rather coolly.

‘I want to apologise. I’m sorry I offended you this morning.’ _There, no-one can say I hold a grudge. Easier by far to keep her happy._

‘That’s all right. I could tell you were feeling badly about it; you looked so upset at breakfast.’

 _Bite your tongue, Sam, it’s not her fault, when you grow up a princess the world_ does _revolve around you._ ‘Thank you.’ They rode on.

Having safely stowed Millerna at Castelo, Gaddes took his reinforcements back down the trail. To his considerable relief, they met the original excursion party on their way back, with prisoners. Allen was walking in the lead, having given up his horse to Captain Savoy, who had a saber cut on his thigh and was not up to walking. As he saw Gaddes approaching, he raised his hand and waved somewhat wearily. There was a cut above his right eyebrow which had bled right down the side of his face; it was one of those small wounds that bleeds a great deal because of where it is, and for a moment it gave Gaddes a horrible fright.

‘Are you all right?’ he called out, as soon as they were within yelling distance.

‘Oh, we’re fine,’ Allen replied, tactfully taking the singular for the plural. ‘May I bludge a ride on the back of your horse?’

‘I’ll get down if you…’

‘No need, just let me up behind you.’

He gave Allen a hand up, and felt him settle into place behind the saddle, hooking an arm around his waist for balance. Just for a moment it was a hug, a tenderness unnoticed as the men of the fort greeted their comrades with a rowdy cheer. Gaddes felt a kind of contraction in his chest, a subtle sweet heartache.

‘Not too bad,’ said Allen brightly - or trying to speak brightly. ‘One casualty for us, at least seven for them.’

‘Who was our one?’

‘Pedder. I’ll have to write to his family.’

‘What can you say about someone like Pedder?’ Gaddes could hardly remember the man.

‘He fought well and died bravely. The same thing I hope to have said of me.’

‘Personally, I’m hoping for “he lived well and died comfortably.” For you too,’ he concluded in an undertone.

‘Well, we can’t choose the manner of our end,’ said Allen.

‘Well, we can, but that’s called suicide.’

‘In an ideal world, I suppose I would choose to die in my own bed, a very old man, in the arms of the one I loved most.’

‘It’s something to shoot for.’

‘I’d like to be murdered at the age of ninety-seven by a jealous husband,’ said the cheery voice of Reeden, who neither of them had realised was so close by.

‘Oh, some hope,’ said Gaddes scornfully, trying not to sound as startled as he felt.

‘That sort of thing is no joking matter,’ Allen said earnestly.

‘Why, Boss? Are you worried someone’s going to catch up with you?’ Reeden grinned cheekily at him and turned aside to help Oruto, who was holding a blood-soaked bandanna to his bald head and looked rather nauseous and wobbly. ‘You’ll have another really great scar there,’ they could hear Reeden telling him enthusiastically.

‘I hope I won’t have a scar,’ said Allen, dabbing at his forehead with his sleeve. ‘Does this look bad to you, Gaddes? It feels like I have quite a lump, but of course I can’t see it.’

‘It’s just a nick with a bruise round it,’ Gaddes assured him. ‘It wants a cold cloth and some arnica, that’s all.’

‘Hr-hrm.’ It was Captain Savoy clearing his throat as he rode up beside them. ‘Is the princess all right?’ he asked, sharply but not too ungraciously.

‘She’s fine,’ Gaddes told him. ‘Busy putting a bandage on her horse, but there’s not a scratch on her. I think it was just a bit of an adventure for her, once the fright was over.’

‘Good man,’ Savoy said, shifting uncomfortably in his saddle. ‘And Schezar, I must compliment you on your men. They gave a very good account of themselves.’

‘Thank you, sir,’ said Allen. ‘I’m glad you were able to see them doing what they do best.’

‘I must question the wisdom of taking the princess out for a ride along a trail infested with bandits.’

‘This track’s been as quiet as a nunnery for the past month,’ Gaddes cut in, quick to come to Allen’s defence. ‘There was no reason to think it wouldn’t be safe. And anyway if the illness your men have got is contagious, wasn’t it better for her to be out in the air?’

Savoy gave him a hard look for a moment before, surprisingly, nodding. ‘Perhaps,’ he said. ‘No matter now. She’s all right.’

Indeed, the princess seemed to be in her element once they arrived back at the fort, bustling around with gauze and ointments and iodine, which she insisted on applying to the entire length of the long jagged cut on Oruto’s head.

‘Don’t make such a silly _fuss_ ,’ she could be heard scolding over his loud yelps. A messenger had been sent to bring the barber-surgeon from Lamor; even if he was useless at treating fevers, he was competent at putting in stitches, which several wounds, including that on Captain Savoy’s leg, would need.

‘It really shouldn’t have happened like that,’ Allen murmured, and winced as Gaddes dabbed at the cut on his forehead with a cloth soaked in warm water and antiseptic tea-tree oil.

‘Keep still,’ Gaddes told him. He was glad other people with more dramatic injuries had distracted Millerna; he wanted to look after Allen himself. ‘I know it stings a bit, but it’s better than letting it go septic.’ He wiped away a little more of the dried blood; now he was cleaning it up he could see that it really was not a serious cut, only about an inch long.

‘I know what you mean, though,’ he went on. ‘We haven’t had an attack like that in ages. I played it down to the princess - she was asking about it - but apart from misjudging their target those guys were actually pretty good. Not organised enough, but good fighters.’

‘Do you know,’ Allen said slowly, ‘who I think I saw among them? Several escaped before the end of the fight, so he’s not among the prisoners. I thought I recognised Nichol.’ He glanced up at Gaddes, worried about how he would take the news.

‘Well,’ said Gaddes without much expression, ‘that’s about what I would expect from him.’ He continued to bathe the side of Allen’s face; the blood had reached as far down as his neck, and spoiled his white collar.

‘I may have been quite mistaken,’ Allen said. ‘I’ve only met him once, in poor light, when I was tipsy, so I couldn’t swear I’d know him again. I just thought I would mention it, in case it was him, so that if he resurfaced at some stage it shouldn’t take you by surprise.’

‘You’re a good friend,’ said Gaddes quietly. A strand of Allen’s hair had fallen across his forehead; he gently brushed it back with his fingers, and found his hand automatically followed the path it had taken so many times, stroking his hair; he tried to disguise it as simply tucking it back behind Allen’s ear so it would not get in the way of his first aid efforts, but the ghost of a caress, combined with the way Allen’s eyes turned up towards his face, the look of anxious love he saw there, sent an aching pulse of loneliness through him. Once again he felt that he was falling forwards into that sweet warm blue; he actually felt himself sway a little way forward and had to consciously pull back in order not to try to kiss him. He could feel himself blushing, and there were roses blooming in Allen’s cheeks. _We should_ not _be doing this, not right in the mess where anyone could see us! Not that… not that we’re actually_ doing _anything… no, I can’t just stand here staring into his eyes, it looks too weird._ He abruptly turned away and coughed, unable to think of anything more _plausible_ -looking to do than fidget.

‘Well, I just hope you know that if he tries to bother you again I’ll beat him to a pulp,’ said Allen, in an undertone.

‘I’ll just find you a plaster for that cut,’ said Gaddes, trying to sound ordinary and unconcerned; but their eyes met again for a moment, and he nodded slightly.


	14. Chapter 14

Late that night, when Allen was sitting up in his bunk in the cabin of _Crusade_ , writing up his diary for the day, he was disturbed by a tap at the door.

‘Yes?’

‘It’s just me,’ said Gaddes, putting his head into the room, and added ‘Boss,’ to make it clear that this was a diplomatic visit.

‘I thought I’d come and give you the latest from the engineers,’ he said, crossing the room and taking a seat on the edge of the bunk, down at its foot. ‘Basically what they’ve done is take the bit that doesn’t work in the yacht, out of _Crusade_ , and put it in the yacht. Because Captain Savoy’s decided they’re not going to wait to really fix it - a lot of them are still feeling sick, some of them are hurt, and he doesn’t feel prepared to take a bunch of people into Fanelia under those conditions. So I guess their state visit is off, and goodness knows what kind of reprisals Fanelia will take for the insult - send a dragon over? But what do I know, I’m just the messenger boy.’

‘It’s been a strange little visit,’ said Allen, speaking carefully. ‘It’s been rather a strain.’

‘I know what you mean.’

‘The, ah, the diplomacy of it.’

‘Yes, Boss, I did say I know what you mean.’ Gaddes grinned briefly.

‘At least we seem to have partially redeemed ourselves in the good Captain’s eyes. I must say I was rather offended by his attitude to us when he first arrived.’

‘I could understand his attitude to _us_ , but it wasn’t fair to _you_.’

‘You say that as though I’m separate from the _us_ of you and the rest of the fort,’ said Allen thoughtfully. ‘I think of us as one lot together.’

‘You are _different_ from us. You’re different from me, you know that. You’re a step up, finer quality. I don’t think a guy like him can talk down to you, whatever he thinks about your famous reputation.’

‘My reputation grows all out of proportion with my actual exploits,’ said Allen, blushing, ‘and yet I wonder if I’m actually known for anything that I’m _proud_ of having done - or really did, in some cases.’

‘Ah, now, you brought some of that upon yourself,’ said Gaddes, wagging a finger at him.

‘It’s so nice to be able to talk to you properly again,’ Allen said, drawing up his knees in front of himself and hugging them. ‘And to know that - well, they’ll be leaving soon, won’t they? Perhaps as soon as tomorrow night I might have you back properly… no more diplomacy… no more trying to be good.’

‘You could have had some competition there,’ said Gaddes. ‘You wouldn’t believe what happened when I was talking to Captain Savoy before. He’s set himself up on that nice little balcony, smoking a pipe and looking at the stars with his leg up on a chair. I went up to tell him what the engineers told _me,_ and he told me what he was going to do. For some reason he’s in a better mood now - I think he didn’t want to go to darkest Fanelia in the first place and he’s feeling a lot better about having an excuse to turn back to civilisation. Anyway, he got quite relaxed and chatty and invited me to sit down with him, and asked me a bit about myself, and told me about where he lives in Pallas, and his kids, and then - this is the part you won’t believe - he said, actually said, “My wife doesn’t understand me.” And he gave me this look. And put his hand on my knee.’

‘What!’ Allen exclaimed. ‘Well - well, what in the world did _you_ say?’

‘I said “I don’t think I understand you either.” And he took his hand back and we said good night. All perfectly civilised.’

‘I - I can’t _believe_ he would do that!’

‘I didn’t really see it coming either, but I’ve never been really good at telling when guys are like us. Some people have a better eye than others. Either that or I give off a lot of really obvious signals I don’t know about.’

‘Either I’m not good at recognising it either, or you certainly don’t,’ said Allen, sounding indignant. ‘I can’t _believe_ he made a pass at you! And he’s _married!_ ’

‘Well, there are a lot of guys like that. They got married before they realised, or because they needed to for some other reason, and they have this other secret life. One of the other guys that Nichol used to carry on with was like that; he was this respectable businessman with about six kids, and it was just his little monthly adventure to go to the bad part of town and pick himself up a bit of rough.’

‘I think that’s a _terrible_ way to carry on,’ said Allen. He looked quite upset. ‘It’s so unfair and dishonest. And demeaning. To everyone. What is “a bit of rough,” anyway?’

‘Well, um, the expression is “rough trade”… it can mean someone who’s literally rough with you… or someone who’s just kind of, um, rough around the edges, someone… well, hell, Allen, someone like me for you. I’d pretty much assumed I was your bit of rough, so to speak.’ He felt stupid saying it that way; his face felt hot. ‘This really isn’t a diplomatic conversation.’

‘But we’re all alone,’ said Allen. ‘Is there anyone still working on _Crusade_?’

‘No… they’ve taken the bits they want and gone up to install them.’

‘Then can’t we say what we like? Can’t we be private… and secret… for a little while? I’ve been so _homesick_ for you, Gaddes. It _isn’t_ the same when I can’t tell you, and show you, that I love you. You speak to me so beautifully with your eyes, but - well - one wants more of a conversation than that.’

‘We really shouldn’t take any risks,’ Gaddes said. He could feel himself giving in already; he turned to look at Allen properly. ‘I nearly really slipped up today… when I was cleaning up that little cut of yours, and we were so close. I hadn’t _touched_ you since the princess got here, not properly.’

‘And you’ve always touched me gently,’ Allen said softly. ‘Not rough at all. But if you mean the ways you’re _different_ from me… rough around the edges… I love that about you. You’re so _real_. You’re like a force of nature, something… wild, but gentle, a man of the earth. I know when I first came here you didn’t feel you belonged in the swamp, but you’ve always seemed so connected to me, part of… part of the same movement in my life, part of the same mystery. And of course green and brown are your colours,’ he concluded with a self-deprecating little laugh.

‘If I’m earth,’ said Gaddes, shifting a little closer to him, ‘then you must be heaven - blue and white and gold, and beautiful sunset.’

‘You ought to write poetry,’ said Allen, smiling, the smile of someone who knew what was coming to him.

‘I’m bad at rhyming.’

‘You’re very, _very_ good at saying things that make me feel all shivery and warm and wicked.’

‘You’re good at inspiring me to say them.’ He lifted Allen’s hand from the blanket and kissed the backs of his fingers.

‘What a sweet courtly gesture.’

‘Is this?’ He turned it over, pressed a soft, moist kiss into the palm, then against the pulse-point of the wrist.

‘Oh, yes…’

‘It is?’

‘Not - no - keep going. Come closer.’ He leaned back on his pillow as Gaddes advanced, arching over his body on hands and knees. He gazed down into Allen’s eyes, stroking his hair back from his forehead, tenderly avoiding the purple bruise half-covered by white sticking-plaster.

‘I was worried about you today,’ he said softly. ‘I hated having to do the safe job while you were risking your life. I know I can’t ask you to avoid danger - I wouldn’t, I love how brave you are - but it feels better when we at least share the danger. I’d always fight twice as hard to protect you as if it were just me.’

‘I asked you to take charge of the princess because I trust you so much,’ Allen said. ‘I knew you’d protect her as you’d protect me. Right?’ He touched Gaddes’ lips, tracing their outline.

‘Well, I might not try to save her from lightning, but I wouldn’t let an alligator eat her either.’ He kissed Allen’s fingertips, halting their ticklish progress.

Allen touched his own lips, transferring the kiss there. ‘This is a very heavy-handed hint,’ he said, and smiled.

‘I can take a hint if it’s heavy enough,’ Gaddes whispered, and kissed him softly, deeply, sinking down on top of him for a full embrace. He felt Allen’s arms wrap around him, his legs spread and rise to cradle him, felt himself enveloped in warmth and love. It was such a relief to feel that again that he almost wanted to cry. _How would I cope if we were really separated, for a long time? How could I live if he died? Or if, God forbid, he got fed up with me and broke it off between us? I mustn’t think about that, I can’t think about that. I want him always to love me as he loves me now…_ He had meant to go slowly, leisurely, but his desire was becoming urgent, propelling him forcefully onward; his body moved without instructions from his mind, rocking and rubbing against Allen’s, taking increasing pleasure in the friction as his cock stirred and stiffened, his heart leaping as he felt an answering hardness rising between Allen’s thighs, an indistinct lump through the bedclothes.

‘Don’t want a blanket between us,’ Allen gasped, breaking away from their kiss.

‘Whoops,’ said Gaddes, hastily rising on his arms; he moved too fast and cracked his head against the low ceiling above the recessed bunk. ‘Ow! Shit…’ He rubbed his head ruefully, caught Allen’s startled eye and started to laugh in spite of the ache.

‘My poor darling,’ said Allen, trying his best not to laugh as he pushed the covers down. ‘You’ll have a bump to match mine.’

‘I _have_ got a bump to match yours,’ Gaddes said, taking his hand and guiding it to touch the straining bulge in his pants. ‘Unless this wasn’t the kind of bump you meant?’

‘Um, not quite, although it does feel very swollen. Would you like me to kiss it better?’

‘It’ll get more swollen,’ Gaddes murmured, nuzzling against his earlobe as he pressed against the gentle squeeze of Allen’s hand. ‘Big and hot and red, feel it throb…’

‘Well, sometimes you have to just… bring it to a head and release the pressure.’ A soft ticklish explosion of smothered laughter against his neck.

‘I’m sorry, sorry, but that metaphor just got _really_ disgusting.’

‘It’s your fault for introducing a metaphor in the first place!’ Allen pretended to growl and smacked him across the shoulders, although the growl rather got lost in a flutter of delighted gasps as Gaddes kissed the base of his neck, raising a rosy necklace of flushed, tingling skin.

‘But I’m a _poet_.’

‘You’re a _pervert._ In the nicest possible way, of course.’

‘Takes one to know one.’ As his lips grazed against Allen’s collarbone, his hands slid down over his hips to stroke his thighs, passing over soft cotton on the downstroke, pushing it away to expose warm skin on the upstroke.

‘Oh, I’ve missed you there,’ Allen breathed. ‘And higher up…’

‘I - no.’ Abruptly, and to Allen’s astonishment, Gaddes pulled away, backing up to the end of the bed. ‘We shouldn’t. Really shouldn’t.’

‘What? Why not?’ Allen’s hand flew up to the bruise on his forehead. ‘Am I - do I look ugly with this? Do you not want to?’

‘Of course I _want_ to. Have you _met_ me? But - but we made a rule for ourselves, and I think we’ve really got to try to keep it.’

‘ _I_ thought you agreed that we didn’t need to any more, that we were safe now! It’s unfair to let me get all warmed up and then throw cold water on me.’ He glared at Gaddes, hurt and confused, somehow embarrassed. He tugged at the hem of his nightrobe, trying to rearrange it more respectably.

‘I’m sorry, I really am. It was what you said, calling me a pervert, it took me a moment but - I feel so safe with you that I forget - look, there’s a good reason for this rule, we’ve got to keep it in mind, no matter how we feel. We might think it’s all right, no-one’s going to come in here now, but - look, supposing they _did_ , for some freakish reason, or supposing it was another time and because there was this time before it we thought we’d bend the rule again and it was less safe, look, it’s not just that it would be embarrassing or awkward to get caught all over each other, it’s like I told you, like I wrote, people think this is evil. Perverted, evil, dangerous. There would be _so_ much shit. I don’t want to risk it, for you or me. It would ruin everything here, you couldn’t keep commanding these men if they knew something like that about you. We might not physically be safe. Have you thought about that? Probably not, you’re ignorant-innocent, and I’m older than you and I’ve been around and I’ve got to try to take responsibility. So, so no, we can’t do it tonight, we can’t risk it until the outsiders are gone and things are back to a pattern we can predict. I’m not happy either, I’m desperate for you, but we just can’t. Please say you understand. At least say something and stop me chuntering on like this.’ He paused, unhappily, waiting for an answer that didn’t come. ‘It’s your fault anyway for getting me started,’ he said, displaying the human gift for going on talking well after one should have shut up.

‘I like that!’ Allen exclaimed scornfully. ‘ _You_ started talking about that worm Savoy making a pass at you.’

‘You said something about you and me before that!’ Gaddes protested.

‘You gave me a flirty smile!’ Allen grabbed the bedclothes and pulled them back up. ‘Go away,’ he said sharply. ‘I don’t want to talk to you, you’re unreasonable and unkind.’

‘Oh, _please_ , don’t turn this into a fight.’

‘It _is_ a fight! I haven’t turned it into anything.’ He rolled over and faced the wall, curled up.

‘Allen…’

‘I’m not listening, go away.’

‘Allen, I can’t stand it if you’re angry with me.’ He was shocked to hear something close to a sob in Gaddes’ voice; he peered over his shoulder, wondering if he had heard right.

‘And I’m only _saying_ it because I want us to be able to be together and be happy,’ Gaddes went on, trying and failing to sound calm. ‘You said you think of all of us as, as one big Us, together, but as soon as they found out it’d be Us and Them. If you want the life you’ve got, if you want to be with me, if you want to have any friends, we have to be _careful_. I’m sorry I said it was your fault, that wasn’t fair. I wasn’t sticking to the rules either. But - I mean…’ He put his head in his hands, despairing of the whole thing. He felt the bed creak and shift as Allen moved, and looked up in surprise as one of his hands was taken and held.

‘Let’s not fight any more,’ Allen said, looking him steadily in the eye. ‘I’m sorry too. It was a ridiculous argument anyway. How can we justify fighting about loving each other? I think I was, perhaps, enjoying feeling special and precious too much to remember my own good resolutions. It’s such a shock to my system for _you_ to be enjoining me to moderation and restraint.’ He smiled wryly. ‘I find it thoroughly ironic that, by the nature of the situation, we can’t kiss and make up in any literal sense.’

‘Thank you,’ said Gaddes fervently, pressing Allen’s hand between both his. He relaxed, feeling the tension leave his neck and shoulders with a palpable relief, like letting go of a heavy weight. ‘I don’t know how good our chances are for the future when we’re so bad at keeping our resolutions over just two nights.’

‘Diplomacy is something that has to be learned, and initial mistakes are part of learning,’ Allen said firmly. ‘Now, and I mean you absolutely no offence, because I adore you, get out of my sight. You are temptation in trousers and your presence does not help me to settle down to sleep.’

‘Notice how I don’t even stoop to the obvious joke about being more tempting out of my trousers,’ Gaddes said, getting up and making his best approach to a courtly bow. ‘Good night, sir, and sleep well.’

‘It’s no worse than what I thought of a minute ago about the need to pull ourselves together,’ Allen said, lying down and rearranging his covers. ‘Good night.’

‘It really _does_ take one to know one,’ Gaddes said over his shoulder as he left.

‘Good _night_.’

‘If it makes you feel any better, my balls are even now turning blue,’ he added, popping his head back round the door.

‘Good _night!_ ’ Allen said, laughing, and threw his pillow to make the point.

 

There was a small lurking shadow in the corridor outside Gaddes’ room, which resolved itself into Princess Millerna as he drew nearer.

‘Princess?’

‘Good evening, Gaddes,’ she said, a little nervously.

‘Why aren’t…’ _No, no, don’t sound like you’re telling her off, you just got back on her good side._ ‘Is everything all right? I’m surprised you’re not in bed at this time of night.’

‘Well, there was no-one to make me go,’ she said, sounding half-defiant. ‘Both the girls went to sleep early. I think they’re feeling a little bit better but they’re worn out.’

‘Oh. Oh, right then. Um – are you bored? Hanging around here?’

‘I was hoping to see you,’ she said. ‘I wasn’t sure where you would be, and I don’t really like walking around all over this place by myself, and I thought you would have to come back here sooner or later.’ She made a wry little face. ‘And _then_ I thought, what if he’s gone out on one of these night patrols Allen told me about – and I had just decided to give up and go to bed when you came up the stairs.’

‘Why… I mean, what did you want to see me for?’

‘To ask you to help me. Will you teach me how to tie bows?’ She put on her most deliberately princessy voice to make this request, and he supposed she was embarrassed to be humbling herself like this. He was rather impressed that she did it at all.

‘Of course. I’d be happy to. Let’s…’ He looked around uncertainly. ‘Let’s sit at the head of the stairs, here, under the lamp, and I’ll show you the basics. It’s not difficult once you know how it’s done.’

Within a few minutes of instruction and demonstration, she was able to tie quite a neat, firm bow of her own, and looked down at her shoe with obvious satisfaction.

‘And that’ll do for your shoelaces, your hair ribbons, whatever – and if you want to make it really fast tie the two loops over in a knot.’

‘I’m not very good at knots either,’ she admitted. ‘Someone always ties the end of the thread for me when I do needlework.’

‘Well, that’s no problem. If you learned bows so quickly you can do knots easy. Just untie that shoelace, have it out of the holes, and I’ll show you a few ways. I’m not promising they’ll be good for ladylike needlework, mind you. The most I know how to do is sew buttons back on and patch up a rip, and that always turns out lumpy.’

‘Then the least I can do is to teach you running-stitch – show me some useful knots, and then I’ll fetch my needlework bag.’

They got quite friendly over the project, and as they worked Millerna began to chatter away to him about various things, particularly life in Pallas; it was strange to hear someone else mention the things Allen always reminisced about, to realise that she belonged more to his world in some ways than Gaddes himself did.

 _But I’ve brought him into_ my _world, and he likes it there_ , he reassured himself.

‘It’s so funny that you don’t mind learning a girly thing like sewing,’ Millerna said, having just praised quite a neat seam he had made between two scraps of cotton she had dug out of the needlework bag.

‘Well, it’s useful. I don’t see the point of marking things off as girly things and boysy things, a lot of the time.’

‘That’s very Egzardian of you,’ she said. ‘They don’t believe in separate spheres for men and women – not as much as we do, anyway. I think I shall go to live in Egzardia when I grow up – at least, for part of the year. I have cousins there and it’s delightful when we visit them.’ She lowered her voice as if imparting secret information. ‘The girls wear trousers, just like the boys! If they want to, I mean.’

‘Do the guys ever wear skirts?’ Gaddes asked, grinning. ‘To make it even?’

‘Silly. Well, some men wear a _kind_ of skirt here, I suppose – but if you mean skirts like on my dress, with petticoats, no. At least, not any that I met. I’m sure they could if they wanted to. It’s that kind of place. And they have lovely, lovely art and music and food, and what they call grotesques, little funny stone-carved people and animals, all over the outside of every building – and some inside too.’ She went on to tell him a great deal about the various charms of Egzardia, growing increasingly enthusiastic, until, describing a fireworks display held in Autumn, she illustrated the flight and explosion of a rocket with an exuberant ‘wwwwhiiiiiiiiiiiii – kaBOOOM!’ and a sweep of her arms which almost made her lose her balance. She caught herself back and looked sheepish.

‘I have been rabbitting on,’ she said. ‘I’m sorry to bore you with all this.’

‘It’s not boring at all,’ he assured her. ‘I’m enjoying it.’

‘I _am_ glad,’ she said, giving him a broad, decidely unprincessy smile. ‘You’re so easy to talk to. Do you know, Gaddes, you’re the first common person I’ve been friends with!’

‘Really!’ said Gaddes politely, trying to take it in the spirit in which it was meant. ‘Well, you’re the first princess _I’ve_ been friends with, so it’s a new experience on both sides.’ His initial little class-conscious raising of hackles had subsided, and he was able to add quite sincerely ‘And it’s an honour for me to have you consider me a friend, Your Highness.’

‘Oh, piffle,’ she said, looking pleased. ‘I’m not Your Highness, I’m just Millerna at the moment.’ She paused, playing with her thimble, then looked up at him rather seriously.

‘You know Allen?’

‘I’ve glanced at him, yes.’

‘Do you think he likes me?’

‘Of course he likes you. Then again,’ he added with a little smile, ‘I’d say he’s quite favourably disposed to most girls.’

Millerna looked hurt, and he hastened to explain. ‘I mean because of being a knight. You know, he’s chivalrous, and he believes in protecting ladies and stuff, so of course he likes a princess.’

‘Does he like a princess, or does he like Millerna?’ she asked, sounding a little forlorn.

‘Oh yes, yes, I’m sure he likes Millerna,’ Gaddes said. ‘Why wouldn’t he? Princess apart, you’re a great girl. The way you’ve carried yourself, with everything that’s happened, he must be as impressed as I am.’

‘Oh good,’ she said, accepting the assurance readily. ‘You see, he didn’t really know me when he was at court before, and I’ve been afraid he thinks of me as just a little girl.’

‘Um… Princess… I might’ve got the wrong end of the stick, but you’re, what, eleven, and he’s seventeen…’

‘Oh, goodness no, no no no, I didn’t mean anything like that!’ she exclaimed, laughing and waving her hands, although he thought she blushed a little guiltily. ‘Only that I hope he likes me for myself, and isn’t just being kind to me as he would to a child.’

‘I don’t think you need to worry about that,’ said Gaddes, although he was pretty sure that this, combined with chivalry, was in fact the case. He would be ashamed to hurt her feelings by saying so.

‘We go home tomorrow,’ said Millerna, with a small, wistful sigh. ‘Adventure over! I shall be sorry not to see Fanelia again; it’s so pretty up in the mountains, and perhaps by now Van would have turned into a human being. He might have been my brother-in-law, you know – they thought for a while of marrying Eries to his brother Folken, until he disappeared, poor man. I _did_ like him.’ She sighed again. ‘But Eries is so difficult now. She says she doesn’t want to marry _anybody_. She’s been saying it… since about the time Marlene got married, I think. I think it put her off to see her have to go away. It was… it was a bit sad. If I were going to marry someone foreign, I think I would want him to be from Egzardia, since I like that country already. I don’t know anything about Freid.’ She spoke very seriously, as if this were something she had given a good deal of thought.

‘You’re a bit young to have to pick who to marry,’ Gaddes said lightly.

‘Oh, but I’m engaged already,’ she said, quite matter-of-fact. ‘To the son of an Asturian merchant lord. He’s an _awful_ bore. I think he’s Allen’s age. He came to tea once, and he brought a book and read it the whole time instead of talking to me. He has glasses and spots, and he needs a haircut – he has long hair, but not _nice_ long hair like Allen’s. Fortunately he spends almost all his time away on business trips, so when we’re married I shan’t have to be bothered with him too often.’

‘Oh,’ said Gaddes, rather thrown. He wasn’t sure what reaction was appropriate – condolences? ‘Well, maybe he’ll turn into a human being too. People often improve with age, and at least the spots should clear up. You don’t have to marry him any time soon, do you?’

‘Not for years,’ she said comfortably. ‘I hardly think of it. There are so many things that are more interesting, like nursing and horses and - and friends. Also, _I_ heard that perhaps if things become more stable in Fanelia, and Van becomes King properly, I might be married to him instead, or maybe to someone important from Zaibach, since they’re our allies – so there are always other possibilities, and someone else might come up altogether.’ She took a look at Gaddes’ politely immobile expression, and seemed to sense that he was a little gobsmacked. ‘They don’t _tell_ me these things, you know. I eavesdrop.’

A little silence fell between them. From outside, Gaddes heard Natal’s hunting cry.

‘If the owl is out and about,’ he said, ‘I think it might be about time we got to bed. I was headed there myself when I met you.’ He folded the bits of cotton together and offered them back to her.

‘I wanted to ask you one more thing,’ Millerna said, taking them but not yet putting them away in her bag. ‘Something about Allen.’

‘Yes?’

‘I want to give him a present, to say thank you for his hospitality to us, and for protecting me when the bandits attacked us. He was _so_ brave. No-one was ever _wounded_ for me before.’ Her eyes went very big at the thought.

‘It’s only a little cut – he’s quite all right.’ _Notice that no-one else who got wounded in that fight gets a mention. Or me for getting her to safety! Oh well. I don’t_ want _her to have a crush on_ me.

‘I just can’t think what would be suitable. It would have to be something I sent once we got back to Asturia, as I haven’t anything with me, only the presents I was going to give in Fanelia, and those aren’t really mine to give away to anyone else. They’re from Father to Van. And they’re not all that nice,’ she added in a conspiratorial undertone. ‘You know him. What do you think he would like? I want it to be something personal that suits him, not just an awful conventional thank-you present like _everyone_ gives, like flowers or a fruit basket.’

‘Actually,’ said Gaddes slowly, ‘I think he’d really like that.’

‘What? Flowers? You can’t send flowers to a man, I was just giving an example. People give _me_ flowers all the time, and I don’t know what to do with them.’

‘No, the fruit basket. I’ll tell you one thing he really misses about living in the city, the variety of food you can get there, and he specially misses nice fresh fruit. There’s not much to choose from here, it’s mainly berries, apples, and a few little tough melons. It would really be a treat for him if you sent a few nice big bunches of grapes.’

‘Just grapes?’

‘Well, grapes are his favourites, but let’s see… you could throw in some peaches – oh, and plums, maybe cherries – and anything else you think is nice, really, please yourself. Would that be possible? I mean, to send fruit all the way out here and have it arrive fresh?’

‘Oh yes,’ she said, ‘I’m sure we could arrange something. Would that really, really be a nice surprise for him?’

‘I can tell you,’ said Gaddes, grinning, ‘without a word of a lie, I cannot _wait_ to see his face when he opens the box.’

 

With a certain amount of relief on both sides, the royal yacht departed early the next day, making good speed for Asturia. The floating rock cannibalised from _Crusade_ was not exactly the right size to balance the remaining original one, so the whole thing floated on a slant, but it was sound, and would be sent back to them, towed by a tug, once the yacht reached its home port and thorough repairs could be made.

Because he had promised Millerna, Allen, accompanied by Gaddes, climbed to the roof of the fort to wave her out of sight.

‘Ouch,’ he said, when the yacht was quite a way off but a white handkerchief was still visible being flourished from a porthole. ‘My waving arm is tired!’

‘What you go through for a lady,’ Gaddes said, shaking his head and smiling.

‘Oh, I shouldn’t complain,’ said Allen, smiling back. ‘It’s an easy enough thing to do to make a little girl happy. She’s rather sweet, isn’t she?’

‘She’s a good kid.’

‘She’s my sister’s age,’ Allen said, finally dropping his arm as the handkerchief was withdrawn, and giving it a shake to get some blood back into the hand.

‘I forbid you to think about your sister and get mournful,’ Gaddes warned him.

‘It’s all right, I wasn’t going to. It was just… rather nice to have a little girl about the place. A feminine presence. Beside me, that is.’ He gave a little self-deprecating laugh.

‘She has a crush on you.’

‘She does not,’ said Allen, looking startled.

‘Does so – you think I don’t know the signs when I see them in a fellow-sufferer?’

‘How embarrassing! I didn’t mean her to have.’

‘Oh, don’t worry ‘bout it. Her and everyone else in the world. You know you’re cute. It works even when you’re not purposely turning on the charm.’

‘I see you’ve abandoned diplomacy with unseemly haste,’ Allen remarked, archly.

‘I’m still holding back. I’m not actually going to try and jump you until they’re out of telescope range,’ said Gaddes, smiling.

‘We’ve got my room back,’ said Allen, rocking back and forth from heel to toe, with an air of pleasant expectation. ‘And although we’ll have to go around to the farmsteads this morning giving a warning and asking for information about this new gang, I do believe I’m going to want to consult with you there after lunch.’

‘It feels like I haven’t had a good consultation in years.’

‘We’re terrible, we really are,’ said Allen, losing his composure slightly and giggling.

‘We’re young! We’re meant to be.’

 

The two of them having split off with different groups, to go around the outlying settlements more quickly, and Gaddes’ party having been delayed for some time when their boat ran aground on an unknown sandbar, and again when Katz got into quicksand trying to push it off and had to be rescued, he was somewhat late coming back to the fort. Lunch was more or less over and the cook grumbled about having to dish up again; Allen seemed to be nowhere in sight, so Gaddes took his plate up to the bedroom, feeling rather hopeful and trying not to run.

He found him pacing about looking worried, and not particularly ready for an assignation.

‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, pushing the door shut with his foot.

‘Look at this!’ said Allen, holding something out at arm’s length. Gaddes came closer, putting his plate down on the end of the bed as he went. Hanging from between Allen’s finger and thumb, as if he didn’t wish to take a firmer grip, was something smallish and pink, made of fine fabric. It took Gaddes a moment to understand.

‘What are you doing with a pair of girl’s undies?’

‘They were under the bed!’ Allen said, in a sort of frantic whisper. ‘She must have left them by mistake! Her maids weren’t well enough to notice something was missing. What am I going to do!?’

‘Send them back, obviously,’ said Gaddes, taking the underpants and stretching them out to have a better look. ‘Hey, I thought _your_ undies were fancy – she’s got butterflies embroidered on hers!’

‘Don’t look at that!’ said Allen, sounding scandalised.

‘You told me to look at them.’

‘I mean don’t comment! It isn’t respectful.’

‘I was admiring them, not being cheeky. Don’t you think I of all people ought to be safe to look at girl’s undies without getting inappropriately excited?’

‘Please stop saying undies. It sounds indelicate. They’re – I don’t know – panties.’

‘Panties,’ Gaddes repeated, highly amused at how prim and flustered Allen was getting. ‘Pretty pink princess panties. She’s probably got a million more and won’t even notice these are gone, but I can see you’re feeling bad about it. So send them back!’ He tossed them to Allen, who caught them, looked mortified, and threw them onto the bed as if they were a hot potato.

‘I can’t possibly,’ said Allen. ‘What if someone opened the package before she did? Think of how it would look!’

Gaddes thought for a moment, and began to laugh.

‘It’s not funny,’ Allen lamented, flinging himself down on the bed in an attitude of despair.

‘It is, it is.’ Putting on his Allen-being-a-little-too-smooth voice, he added ‘My dear Millerna, here are the panties you left under my bed. Your visit was such a pleasure – I hope to see more of you soon. Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more.’

‘All right,’ said Allen, trying not to smile, ‘it’s a _little_ bit funny. But it’s really not – she would be in terrible trouble, I shudder to think what King Aston would do to me, and besides anything else I would be ashamed for people to think I took liberties with a girl that young.’

‘Of course, of course.’ Gaddes shrugged. ‘So what can you do?’

‘I suppose wait until I _do_ see her again and give them back in person, so there can’t be any misunderstanding,’ Allen said. ‘I won’t destroy her property. And I must keep them very well hidden.’

‘Because keeping a princess’ panties as a souvenir is even more suss than sending them to her in the post,’ said Gaddes, grinning.

‘Don’t be awful. It’s so embarrassing. It gave me an awful shock when I caught sight of them and realised what they were.’

‘She is careless with her things,’ Gaddes said, sitting down beside him and taking up the panties again. ‘It’s a shame, because these must’ve cost a bomb. This is even finer silk than your fancy pants, and look at the tiny little stitches in the embroidery. That took someone ages.’

‘They are rather charming, aren’t they?’ Allen said with a sigh, sitting up and drawing up his knees, to rest his arms upon. ‘I do envy girls sometimes, getting to wear such nice things. When I was a child I always had pretty clothes.’

‘Seriously?’

‘I know it sounds funny, but yes. They were always proper boy’s clothes, of course, but beautifully made and trimmed… I remember particularly a pair of blue velvet knickerbockers and a shirt with lace on the cuffs that I absolutely loved. My mother enjoyed dressing me and Celena up; it was part of how she showed how precious we were to her. A little boy _can_ wear those things, of course, and it just looks pretty, perhaps a little sissified, but not _questionably_ so. When I think of the contrast between those clothes and the rough things I got about in when I was a bandit… they seemed to fit how unhappy I was, you know. I didn’t feel pretty or nice or loved, I was furious with the whole world, and it was as though all the beautiful and happy things I remembered were unreal, as flimsy as fine lace, unable to stand up to the hard wear of life. And of course if I had worn clothes like _that_ where I was I could have been killed for them. Thieves shouldn't look as if they have anything worth stealing themselves.’

‘It’s not the first word I would have picked for it, but you know your uniform’s pretty, right?’

‘It is a bit,’ admitted Allen, fingering his cravat with a touch of complacency. ‘When I was allowed, and invited, to wear clothes like this again, it felt a little like being allowed some of the world I grew up in back again. It was bittersweet, but I did start to feel a little more like myself. And – and things like my “fancy pants” – I chose them because I wanted to feel I was wearing something _really_ pretty, if only in private where no-one but me knew about it – but I was still trying to restrain myself a bit, so I got very plain ones, just silk shorts without decoration or anything. I told myself it was all right as long as they were like that, it was still manly.’ He was blushing as he tried to explain.

‘Allen.’

‘What?’ He sounded nervous.

Gaddes held up the panties, raising one eyebrow at him. ‘Are you saying, in your roundabout kind of way, you’d like to wear something like these?’

Allen turned so red that a verbal answer was not really necessary.

‘Not all the time!’ he said hastily. ‘Just – just once in a while…’

‘Well, you can’t wear these, they’re too little for you.’ Gaddes stretched out the waistband to illustrate his point.

‘And they’re Millerna’s! Stop brandishing them about like that. I’m going to put them away.’ He jumped up from the bed, snatching them away, and went over to his desk to put them in an envelope and seal it securely. Gaddes took the opportunity to eat a little of his lunch, which his stomach was informing him had been sadly missed. He chewed bacon and egg pie and watched with some amusement as Allen bustled around looking for a sufficiently secret place to keep them.

‘Is there a loose floorboard?’ he said helpfully. ‘You could hide them under there.’

‘You’re not helping,’ Allen told him sternly. ‘What if I put them behind a row of books on the shelf? No. Or in the pocket of my waterproof cape? No.’

‘It’s just an envelope, Allen, it isn’t going to look that suspicious. You could leave it in plain sight.’

‘I wrote “Millerna’s Panties” on it so I wouldn’t forget what it was.’

Gaddes gave a sputter of laughter and almost choked on his mouthful. Wiping his eyes, he said ‘No-one who doesn’t know you like I do could believe what a fussbudget you can be.’

‘Gaddes!’

‘All right, all right, don’t get your knickers in a twist.’

‘Is that meant to be a joke?’

‘No, but I wish I’d thought of that. Don’t you have a little strongbox or something with a  lock on it?’

‘Yes! Gaddes, you’re brilliant.’ Allen hurried back to the desk and plunged into one of the drawers.

‘What do you keep locked up?’

‘Father’s journal, Mother’s locket with locks of Celena’s and my hair in it, and my old letters from Marlene,’ said Allen. ‘And your love-letter,’ he added.

‘You really should’ve thought of that yourself,’ said Gaddes. ‘What would you do without me?’

‘Pine away and die. There we are. Safe and sound. What a relief!’

‘My letter’s in very illustrious company,’ said Gaddes, putting his empty plate on the floor and stretching out on the bed.

‘You do know, don’t you, that aside from Mother’s locket it’s the most precious thing I have in there?’ Allen turned to look at him, a little calmer now the incriminating evidence was well stowed.

‘Thank you,’ Gaddes said, smiling peacefully. ‘With that little crisis out of the way, do you remember why you asked me to come here today? Care to unclench a little?’

Allen finally relaxed, and began to laugh at himself. ‘ _Why_ do I take things so terribly seriously?’ he asked as he joined Gaddes on the bed, welcomed with a kiss.

‘It’s something I love about you. Don’t worry about it.’

‘Down with diplomacy!’

 

For the next few days, their time was heavily occupied by efforts to discover just how long this new gang of bandits had been in the area, how strong they were in numbers, what else they had been up to and where they might be found. It was a mark of what Allen had achieved so far that they had kept such a low profile, not daring to attempt one of the old-style protection rackets or openly intimidating people who lived locally. They seemed to confine their attentions to travellers passing through, and appeared unpleasantly disposed to kill those they robbed so that no witnesses could pass on an account of them. The attack on the riding party had been an out of character blunder; a fortunate one from the fort’s point of view.

So far, little more than this was known about them. No names, no stories. ‘They’re like ghosts,’ someone said, rather unwisely. A rumour started among the more superstitious that the gang were in fact the vengeful spirits of bandits previously despatched by the men of the fort, impossible to kill with normal weapons.

‘Which fails to explain why they fall over and lie still if you stab them,’ Allen said, rather crisply. He was annoyed by this rumour; it was pointlessly demoralising, and diverted attention to wild speculation that could have been better devoted to discipline and vigilance. The men of the fort were divided into two unequal camps; the larger, to his relief, dismissed the supernatural explanation as foolish, an excuse for cowards who didn’t want to have to face a new enemy. The remainder might be subdivided into those who believed and were genuinely frightened, and those who were confused and doubtful.

‘Once we’ve engaged them properly, you will all see that there is nothing more unnatural about these men than about yourselves,’ Allen told them firmly, and doubled the shifts on patrol in the swamp. Armed escorts were provided to those of the locals who wished to come to the fort for market day, although this number initially dropped off somewhat.

In more orderly times, the main fort had maintained a network of smaller guard-towers scattered through the swamp, providing shelter, resources and a place of defence for patrols and travellers unable to reach Castelo when trouble struck. Although abandoned and much dilapidated, many of them were still standing, and it was decided to begin repairs and refurbishments, that they might be returned to use.

‘No rest for the wicked, right?’ said Reeden. ‘It never stops. Just when we think we’re up to speed you tell us there’s something more we’ve got to do.’ He was helping Gaddes to clear away the lumber from a section of roof that had fallen into an outlying blockhouse. It was difficult, sweaty work, and somewhat precarious as the remaining beams above did not seem altogether sturdy.

‘I never knew there was going to be so much to it either,’ Gaddes commiserated. ‘But you know he’s right.’

‘Of course, the ever-loving Boss is always right,’ Reeden grumbled, trying to suck a splinter out of his thumb. ‘You think the sun shines out of him.’

‘Watch your attitude, chum.’

‘It’s the splinter talking. I know he’s all right. He works us bloody hard, though.’

‘And we do a bloody good job,’ said Gaddes, grinning at him as he swung a baulk of timber up onto his shoulder. ‘Stop bitching and put your back into it.’

 

The working party arrived back at the fort in the evening, hot, grubby and tired, to find everyone who had remained behind in a state of feverish curiosity about a crate which had just been dropped off by a small courier ship from the capital.

‘Just landed, unloaded and took off again,’ Katz reported to Gaddes. ‘It’s labelled for the Boss. You reckon we should open it?’

‘Do you see him? No? There’s your answer.’ Allen had taken another party of men to Lamor in the morning, delivering prisoners to the courthouse, and was expected back before too long.

‘But what’s someone sending him? When he orders stuff it comes overland or upriver from Lamor like everything else.’

‘Ours not to reason why. I’m putting it in his room.’

‘You’re smirking. You know what it is.’

‘I’ve got an inkling.’ As Gaddes lifted the crate, a small quantity of cold water dribbled from the lowermost corner.

‘It’s leaking!’ Baile exclaimed, peering critically at the underside of the box.

‘On me,’ said Gaddes, shaking his dampened leg. ‘Come on, shoo, it’s not that exciting. You’re like a bunch of kids sometimes.’

‘But we’re getting addicted to unusual stuff happening and giving us a bit of excitement,’ Reeden explained. ‘Princesses dropping by, mysterious boxes and stuff. If we’re deprived of stimulation we’ll get all jittery and weird. Cold turkey.’

‘Well then, the nail-biting uncertainty of not knowing should be just what you need,’ Gaddes told him pleasantly, and took the crate upstairs.

When Allen returned, not long afterward, he found the crate standing in the middle of his bedroom floor, the nails thoughtfully loosened, and Gaddes using his washstand.

‘Hi,’ he said, looking up from lathering his arms. ‘I hope you don’t mind me using your stuff, but I got pretty dirty working today and I wanted to have a scrub-off just to be comfortable.’

‘Oh, I never mind a chance to see you with your shirt off,’ Allen said, smiling as he nudged the door shut.

‘Shame you missed today, then. I lifted heavy things and sweated.’

‘Did it all go well?’

‘Yeah – we’ve got that one blockhouse up to scratch again, it’s just a question of getting a cache established there. I’d say don’t drive them too hard to get it done, because they’re giving their best and they’re tired.’ He started to scrub his chest.

‘I’m sorry,’ said Allen, shaking his head and grinning, ‘I’m still absorbed by the mental image of you  being all manly and sweaty and shirtless.’

‘You see,’ said Gaddes, wagging a finger at him, ‘this is what I mean about liking a bit of rough. You’re a nice upper-class boy slumming it. You fancy a burly labourer.’

‘Only if he’s _you_ ,’ Allen protested, ‘and I wouldn’t call you burly. That sounds more sort of barrel-chested, not lean like you. And what about your fancy? Is there such a thing as “a bit of smooth”?’

‘Ai have refained tastes,’ Gaddes said in a mock-posh voice, and laughed. ‘Aren’t you even curious about the box that’s come for you?’

‘I was so bewitched by the sight of you and your washcloth that I hadn’t given it a second thought.’

‘Well, the crowbar’s right there, if you want to finish opening it up.’

‘Don’t you want me to wash your back?’

‘If you must.’ He pretended to be reluctant, while his eyes told another story.

‘I’ll be gentle,’ Allen promised, rubbing the washcloth over the soap, ‘because you’ve caught the sun a bit on your shoulders.’

‘That’s why I wanted to use your soap, it’s nice and soft-feeling.’ Gaddes closed his eyes, feeling pampered.

‘Glycerine,’ said Allen. ‘Oatmeal soap’s nice too, but it could be rough on your poor shoulders. Have I told you how gorgeous I find your back? Your bronzy muscles? You’re like a statue of a young athlete. If I were a sculptor, you’d be all I’d do. I’d make your beautiful body immortal with art and people would fall in love with you for hundreds of years.’ While one hand continued to bathe Gaddes’ back, the other sneaked round his body to stroke his firm stomach and play with the top button of his pants.

‘While telling themselves that of course it was strictly an aesthetic appreciation.’

‘Oh yes,’ said Allen, laughing softly. ‘I’m beginning to think there’s no-one so silly as over-educated people. No-one who annoys me as much. Pretentious asses.’

‘I really, really think you should have a look in that box.’

‘Why? Aren’t we having a nice time here?’ Sponging away the last of the soapsuds, he kissed the nape of Gaddes’ neck. ‘And you smell so good. Peach-scented today.’

‘Even if you aren’t, I’m dying of curiosity.’

‘Well, if only to prevent your premature death, I’ll investigate,’ Allen said, shaking his head and leaning past Gaddes to drop the cloth in the washbasin. ‘Dry yourself off, then.’ He went over to the crate and pried up the lid. ‘It’s packed full of straw,’ he reported.

‘Fragile, maybe,’ suggested Gaddes, towelling his damp hair and coming over to look.

Allen lifted out handfuls of straw, a look of puzzlement dawning on his face. ‘It feels cold,’ he said. ‘Goodness, under the straw there’s ice.  It’s a little melted, but the straw must have kept it insulated all the way here.  What would someone send me packed in ice? Was there any sender’s name on the box?’ He peered at the sides of it.

‘Special delivery from Pallas, that’s all we know,’ said Gaddes, enjoying himself hugely. Seeing this played out was just as much fun as he had anticipated. He brought the large washtub over. ‘Here, heave that top slab in here to melt.’

‘A box of slabs of ice,’ Allen marvelled, ‘around this middle box of tin.’ He lifted the lid of the tin box and looked in. Gaddes did not bother with the box, but stood by his side and watched his face. Allen blinked, as if in surprise, and blushed just the tiniest bit, high on his cheekbones.

‘Someone,’ he said, ‘appears to have sent me a large quantity of grapes.’ He looked up and caught sight of Gaddes’ grin. ‘And you knew about it! Was this your doing?’

‘On _my_ salary? Are you mental?’

Allen reached into the box and lifted out a loop-handled wicker basket, almost overflowing with ripe, dewy fruit. He looked at Gaddes over his shoulder with one eyebrow raised sardonically.

‘Grapes and _peaches_ , Sergeant?’

‘And plums and cherries. But I swear it’s not me. Look, there’s a card on this side.’

Allen unfolded the notelet of heavy, expensive-looking cream-coloured paper, ornamented with a posy of violets on one corner.

‘Dear Allen,’ he read aloud, ‘I hope this letter finds you as it leaves me, well and happy. With it you will find a little token of my esteem and gratitude for all your recent kindness and hospitality. Please enjoy it and remember your friend, Millerna Sara Aston.’

‘I _knew_ there was a reason I liked that girl,’ said Gaddes happily.

‘You beast,’ said Allen, sounding enjoyably shocked. ‘You put her up to this, didn’t you?’

‘Sending you a thank-you present was all her idea, but I might have made a helpful suggestion about what you would like; your particular taste.’

‘She – she can’t possibly know what this _means_ , can she?’ He looked flustered at the thought.

‘Of course not. She’s my clueless catspaw.’

‘You _beast_ ,’ Allen said again, shaking his head delightedly. ‘Using an innocent girl like that!’

‘I _had_ to get you some grapes somehow. Just to see how you’d react. Want one?’ He reached around Allen to catch up a cluster of garnet-red grapes, their skins clouded with a frosty bloom and dewdrops of condensation trickling over their plumpness. He raised the bunch to dangle before Allen’s face, the lowermost grape just tapping against his lips, then teasingly lifted it out of reach.

‘Oh, _please_ ,’ Allen murmured, closing his eyes and tilting back his head, his lips parting hungrily. Gaddes lowered the grapes once again, letting that single one touch the fulness of Allen’s lower lip and softly roll there; he drew it up again, just very slightly. The pink tip of Allen’s tongue followed the movement, brushing against the dewy grape, breaking the bead of moisture that hung from its bottom. Gaddes watched him, riveted, barely breathing; he heard a soft impatient moan, a wordless reproach of his cruelty in teasing. He let Allen draw the grape down with his tongue, take it delicately between his teeth, gently tug it free from the bunch and pop its sweetness in his mouth, shivering with delight.

I’ve never seen anyone get so fired up just eating fruit. My God, look at him, quivering and blushing… He found it intensely erotic just to watch, but the compulsion to touch was growing. He let his free hand rest lightly on Allen’s hip.

‘My wicked bronze Ganymede,’ Allen breathed. ‘My dream-love…’

‘I’m Ganymede?’

‘I’ve told you so… and this proves it…’

‘I think, then, I might just take my bunch of grapes and go on over to the bed. Want to join me?’

‘Will we have time before dinner?’

‘Consider me your appetiser.’

 

There was only time for a brief, breathless, mutual release by hand, their kisses flavoured with grape juice, before they had to get themselves in order for dinner.

‘And after that, the things I’ll do to you…’ Gaddes murmured in Allen’s ear as he helped him tie the sash-belt around his old moleskin trousers. He was out of uniform for the evening, in his most relaxed state.

‘Don’t tell me now,’ Allen whispered back, ‘or I won’t have the heart to go downstairs.’

‘Promise me to imagine. And later we’ll see how much you guessed.’

He was well satisfied with Allen’s dreamy, distracted demeanour throughout dinner, and the short time they spent being sociable in the mess before retiring. _He’s thinking of me, dreaming of me, we’re already making love in his mind._ The anticipation was delicious. To draw it out a little longer (and for eminently practical reasons, wishing to be discreet), he let Allen head up to his room a good quarter of an hour before he went to join him. He filled in the time beating Baile at dominoes, something he could do with only half his mind on the job, and the other rehearsing all the variations of pleasure he and Allen would move through tonight, probably starting with a shared sponge-bath, according to tradition, but think of the possibilities tonight, particularly… it might be nice to get thoroughly sticky and juice-stained before washing off.

At this point he realised Baile had just won a game.

‘Good God,’ he said, ‘I _must_ be tired. Bed for me!’

‘Ah, no, come on Sarge, let me see if I can do it again!’

‘Couldn’t take the humiliation. G’night.’ He gave an exaggerated yawn and made his way upstairs.

He found Allen sitting in one of the two chairs before the fireplace in his room, looking meditatively into the grate. Although there was no real need for a fire in this warm season, he had stood a line of candles along the hearth and lit them just to have some friendly firelight. As soon as Gaddes entered the room he realised the prevalent atmosphere was pensive, not passionate. It gave him a twinge of disappointment to realise he’d misread Allen’s mood, but he decided to go with the flow and see how things turned out. He closed the door and took the other chair, stretching out his legs before him and glancing towards Allen to make sure he was merely thoughtful and not tearful. He had been seeming so happy lately that it would be a particular let-down to see him drop into misery again. The basket of fruit stood on the little table between the chairs; he could see a half-eaten peach in Allen’s hand. He casually took a plum and buffed it against his shirt before taking a bite, glancing over again, wondering if Allen would be the first to speak.

‘We’re very elegant,’ Allen said, after a moment, ‘having fresh fruit for dessert. All we need now is a cheeseboard. Port and cigars to follow.’

‘Who says you can’t have refinement out in the swamps?’ Gaddes asked, relieved.

‘Always providing you know someone to send you regular supplies,’ Allen said, thoughtfully taking another bite of his peach.

‘You don’t look all that happy for someone with friends in high places,’ Gaddes observed. ‘What’s brought you down?’

‘I don’t know that I feel _down_ exactly… I’ve just been thinking…’

‘A dangerous pastime.’

‘Danger is my middle name. I was lying about the Crusade bit,’ Allen said, flashing him a brief smile. ‘I was just thinking about how nice it is to be able to share a treat like this with you, and how many more nice things I wish I could share and can’t, because of where we are.’

‘But all I want is you, and you’re right here.’

‘But you don’t know any better. We could have such lovely times if we were in Pallas… I could take you everywhere, all the best places. I want to give you dinner at the finest restaurants, and we’d walk under the stars on Marine Parade… We could go to see Ganymede together, go to the theatre, the opera… the opera is absolutely beautiful, Gaddes. I’ve been sitting here listening to arias in my head.’ His eyes were wistful as he hummed a few notes. ‘You really would love it. And you deserve it.’

‘Did Millerna’s visit remind you of all this? With all her chat about court and society?’

‘I suppose it did. I hadn’t thought much about it for months. Not as something in my world. Here… there are only poor bits and pieces… tunes in my head, and a print from an illustrated paper.’ He held up the page with the reproduction of Ganymede, which had been resting in his lap.

‘And you’re feeling dissatisfied with it all?’

‘Not for myself, for you.’

‘Heck, I grew up in Pallas, it never seemed that beautiful to me. Maybe I was in the wrong part, of course.’ He finished sucking the plumstone clean, looked at it thoughtfully for a moment and threw it into the grate.

‘I am… missing it all again… I suppose I _am_ being selfish,’ Allen said sadly. He traced the outline of the figure in the print with his forefinger. ‘I love _my_ Ganymede. I suppose I want to have my grapes and eat them too. Oops. Fruit metaphor. I mean have it both ways; have you _and_ have the beautiful world.’

‘Tell me what it would be like,’ Gaddes said, his head on one side, quizzically.

‘I’ve told you about it lots of times.’

‘No, I mean – hold on.’ He hopped up and pushed the table out of the way, then dragged his chair right over by Allen’s. ‘I’m going to give you a night at the opera. Here we are – we’re up in one of those whatchamacallits, a box, with red plush curtains and little gilt cherubs crawling all over everything and pillars like golden ladies holding up the roof. Dressed in our best, I need hardly add. Tell me all about it.’

‘All about it?’ repeated Allen, closing his eyes to see the mental image more clearly. ‘Well, you are simply resplendent this evening. Everyone stared as we came in.’

‘They were staring at you. I’m a nobody. You’re dressed entirely in the darkest, softest black, and your hair shines like burnished gold, and your eyes glow like stolen sapphires. But what’s it like where we are? Describe that.’

‘Well, we’re very comfortable,’ Allen said matter-of-factly, opening his eyes and smiling. ‘We have a box all to ourselves, and opera-glasses, and a box of chocolates, if you like.’

‘I do like. And outside our box? No, wait. I’ll have a go. See if I get it right from all the stuff you’ve told me.’ He paused, ordering his thoughts, unconsciously dropping into a storytelling voice.

‘The house is filling up. People are taking their seats, and there’s a great buzz of conversation. Everyone is looking around to see who’s here, commenting on each other’s clothes and company. Everything is lit by great chandeliers, crystal prisms glinting and glowing with the light of thousands of candles. The light shines on the rich velvets and silks of the audience’s clothes, on the snow-white of their broad lace collars, the pearls in the ladies’ glossy hair and the feathers on their fans. The famous courtesans wear black velvet masks, and so do respectable ladies who want anonymity. The great proscenium arch is still veiled by the curtains, and the orchestra are making peculiar tuning-up noises.’

‘You’re so good at describing things – I could almost think you’d seen it.’

‘Thank you, sweetie. Now, what play are we here to see?’

‘Oh, no-one comes to see the _opera_. They come to see each _other._ The opera plays in the background and they all say afterwards how beautiful it was. But if you really care to know, it’s _Il Pensiero della Gettura_ , a great tragic love-story. If you talk during Meifia’s solo in the third act, my revenge will be terrible.’

‘And it’s in Foreign?’

‘Oh, it has to be, it wouldn’t be opera if you could understand it.’ Allen was still smiling, enjoying spinning the spell. ‘Now sshh! The house lights are going down. The buzz of conversation is dying to a murmur. The overture is beginning.’

‘Ah, I know this - it’s like a free sample of the music to come, right?’

‘While they play it everyone settles down and gets ready to pretend to pay attention.’

‘You’re so sarcastic about this.’ The corner of Gaddes’ mouth quirked with amusement.

‘Only because when I first went to the opera, I was absolutely enchanted, and afterwards I was appalled to realise I was almost the only one.’

‘I can imagine you being enchanted.’

‘Yes, little round-faced fifteen-year-old me, listening with my eyes wide open and my mouth half open too, as if I could take in more of the music that way. It was _L’Appeso_ that night and I cried at the end. The party of fashionable young people I was with laughed me to scorn.’

‘Prats. You must’ve been so cute.’ Gaddes put his hand over Allen’s, resting on the arm of the chair, giving it a little squeeze. On a whim, he lifted it to his lips and kissed the backs of Allen’s fingers, ungloved tonight.

‘Don’t do that!’ Allen whispered, tugging his hand away. ‘We’re in a public place! That definitely didn’t look innocent.’

‘Oh, come on. Here in our nice shadowy box? Who would’ve noticed us?’

‘You said they were all staring at us.’

‘They stared at _you_ as we went in at the front of the building. No-one knows where you’re sitting now. We have the curtains half closed, so only someone right opposite us could see in. Relax, sweetie. Have a grape.’

‘Don’t be wicked. The curtain is going up, anyway. Here comes the chorus to sing us into the story.’ Allen closed his eyes again, humming softly.

‘I wish I could hear the music you’re hearing.’

‘They’re in exceptionally good voice tonight.’

‘You really love this, don’t you? You don’t need to say anything; I can see it. You’re leaning forward to watch, with your eyes so bright and soft… I’m afraid an uncultured type like me can’t properly appreciate it. All I see is how beautiful you are enjoying it. I’ll watch you listening. _So_ beautiful.’ He reached over and touched Allen’s hair, softly brushing a strand back behind his ear, and running his fingertips down along his jawline.

‘You’re very badly behaved,’ Allen reproved him, quelling a smile. ‘I take you to a nice place like this and all you can do is paw me.’

‘Can’t help myself.’ His hand casually dropped to Allen’s knee, resting just above and then stroking upward. ‘Come on, sweetie – uncross your legs.’

‘ _Stop_ it,’ said Allen, biting his lip and trying to sound severe. ‘This is no way to behave.’

‘No-one can see… this is all under the edge of the front of the box… ah, that’s right…’ His fingers brushed Allen’s upper thigh, gently nudging down between his legs to stroke the warm inner surface, stealing upward to stroke and cup his sleeping softness, feeling the beginning of a stirring.

‘You really are awful.’

‘No-one’s looking, I promise you. All eyes on the stage. Just you keep your eyes there too. Oh, yes… you can’t pretend, you love me touching you like this. And you _did_ say you wanted me _and_ your beautiful world.’

‘I – I hadn’t thought of putting them together in quite this way.’ Allen was doing his best to obey his lover’s instructions, keeping his eyes fixed ahead on the fireplace, imagining it as the proscenium arch, imagining the line of candles as the footlights, while the warm pulse in his groin deepened as his cock stiffened under Gaddes’ touch.

‘Love how you’re blushing.’ _You really are totally giving yourself to this fantasy._

‘You’re putting me in a very awkward position.’

‘I’m not… you’re sitting comfortably… though you might not be comfortable bound up in these pants. Ready to let it out?’

‘Samivel Gaddes, I can _not_ get the Alicorn out in Box Four of the Royal Opera House, Pallas, Asturia. It is simply not done.’

‘Oh, go on. You’re going to burst your buttons soon anyway. Save me sewing them back on.’

‘What are you, my valet?’

‘Of course, in civvy street.’

‘You are _not_ an obedient servant.’ Giving in, Allen unbuttoned his fly, easing himself free of moleskins and undershorts. He caught his breath and closed his eyes once more as Gaddes’ warm hand enclosed his pulsing shaft, pulling every nerve tight with a slow downward stroke, then gently dragging up to the end to roll his thumb over the tip, drawing out a glistening bead of fluid.

‘Ohh…’

‘What’s going on on stage?’ Gaddes asked him mischievously.

‘Beast, you _know_ I have no idea.’

‘I thought you were paying attention,’ he said reproachfully.

‘How can I pay attention to anything but where your hand is going?’ He shifted his hips, awkwardly. ‘Stroke… stroke me faster… oh… oh yes…’

‘I dunno, here I thought I was coming to the opera with someone who could tell me what was going on, who the people were, what the funny words mean… all he wants is his cock pulled.’ His touch was much more co-operative than his words.

‘You started it,’ Allen said breathlessly. ‘ _Mi hai fatto duro._ ’

‘Pardon?’

‘Funny foreign words,’ he explained with a brief smile. ‘You made me hard. Oh… Gaddes… Oh no, no no no, you can’t…’

‘But I am,’ said Gaddes, on his knees before Allen’s chair.

‘Everyone will see you!’

‘No-one’ll see me.’

‘Everyone will notice they _can’t_ see you!’

‘Lift your hips, sweetie, I want to get your pants down.’

‘We just can’t,’ whimpered Allen, doing as he was told, feeling the heavy folds of fabric slide inexorably down over his tense thighs.

‘I wonder if that nice red plush seat has had a boy’s bare ass on it before?’

‘This is such a terrible thing to do…’ He felt Gaddes’ breath on his skin, reached for his head, unsure whether he meant to push it down or away as his fingers spread amid his hair.

‘Just keep your eyes on the stage and I swear no-one will know.’ In one smooth movement, Gaddes pushed Allen’s thighs apart and took the tip of his cock in his mouth, hands on his hips to hold them still as they juddered with ecstasy. He felt Allen make up his mind in no uncertain terms and bear his head firmly down, forcing himself almost into Gaddes’ throat. A choking moan rose up in him as he sucked the hot shaft, his senses filled to the point of dizziness with Allen’s taste, Allen’s scent.

#### I want you I want you I want you… He felt the blood hot in his face as he slowly, softly scraped his lower teeth up the underside of Allen’s cock, making him cry out at the sharp pleasure, and with some amusement hearing him bite off the cry as if afraid of being heard. He was still mentally in the opera house; they had never worried about anyone hearing them in this room.

So I’m not kneeling on the hard board floor feeling like my old grey pants are too tight while I suck a beautiful boy’s dick, I’m kneeling on a thick red carpet feeling like my Sunday best pants are too tight while I suck a beautiful boy’s dick. Makes all the difference. He applied the tip of his tongue to Allen’s favourite place, the deeply sensitive spot just below the head of his cock, and worked it back and forth with increasing pressure, the pull of his suction growing stronger and stronger as his hand worked up and down the thick shaft, wet with his saliva.

Allen felt himself lost in a dark swirl of guilty bliss, the sweet song in his mind’s ear almost drowned out by his ragged breathing and the soft wet sounds of Gaddes’ mouth working on his throbbing erection. He had never felt quite so naughty in his life; the mere idea of this transgression was making him feel like the dirtiest little libertine in the world and he loved it. Helpless, he leaned back in his chair, panting, moaning, his thighs trembling convulsively with the tension, the pressure of his arousal. His blood seemed to turn to liquid fire, red-gold like the sunlight seen through closed eyelids, heat and light seeping through to a pulsing centre deep in his groin. He knew what he was going to do and was ashamed, but the shame was part of the pleasure as all his sensation built to break in a sunburst of shattering radiance.

As Allen cried out, a full-throated shout of joy, Gaddes felt his mouth filled with thick salt wetness.

Oh God… Allen… He swallowed, gasping, and pulled back, dropping his head in Allen’s lap, sinking into a little pause during which they both tried to catch their breath. He could hear the little whimpering sighs that meant Allen was completely out of it, drifting for the moment among warm rosy clouds of bliss. Gaddes levered himself up on his arms and returned to his own seat, gazing at the dishevelled beauty by his side. Allen had more or less collapsed, his head hanging back and his eyes closed, lashes resting on flushed cheeks as he breathed his way back to reality.

‘How was that?’

‘S… silly question,’ Allen said weakly. ‘Oh, Gaddes…’

‘You’re welcome,’ he said, smiling. ‘So what’s going on on stage?’

With a little sputter of laughter, Allen gave him a light cuff across the shoulder. ‘I can’t be expected to know. Operatic business. People sighing and singing and dying and what not. O, ti amo, o, non lasciami and so forth.’

‘Oh what?’

‘Oh, I love you, oh, don’t leave me,’ Allen translated with a flourishing gesture.

‘How would I say “come and sit in my lap”?’

‘I haven’t the faintest idea.’

‘I’ll just have to use the vernacular then. Come here, sweetie. I need a kiss.’

With Allen straddling his lap he had all the kisses he could wish for.

‘I love you, Gaddes.’

‘Love you… touch me.’ As Allen popped his fly buttons he fumbled in his pocket for the small tube of lubricant he’d taken to carrying; it had been a thrill in itself to realise that he needed to be prepared for any moment.

‘Should I anoint the gentleman’s head?’

‘Anoint away, my darling.’

‘You always give such a nice little grunt the first time I touch you – unh, like that. I love that sound because I know I’m pleasing you.’ Allen moved his hands slowly, controlling the sweet slippery caresses he gave.

‘Like your little purr. How do you do that? I can only hear it if I’m kissing you when you do it.’

‘I don’t know. When I feel like that it just happens.’ He kissed Gaddes softly, flicking his tongue against his lips. ‘See? Can’t do it if I try to. I could go rrrrr-rr – but it’s not the same, is it?’

‘Rrr-rrrrrr.’ In Gaddes’ throat it was more of a growl than a purr. His heart seemed to be beating in his cock; mindless pleasure and appetite pulsing together between Allen’s warm palms. He had a way of taking both hands to hold him that made Gaddes feel huge, innocent loving flattery.

‘Are you all grunts and growls tonight? What an animal. I can’t take you anywhere.’

‘I can take you, if you’ll let me.’ He eased his hands over Allen’s hips, squeezing his buttocks together, then spreading them apart.

‘You know I’ll let you. You’ve debauched me that much. Can’t believe I’m going to let you do that to me, here, now…’ Allen closed his eyes, drawing his breath in sharply between set teeth as Gaddes’ middle fingertip rubbed over his perineum and lightly probed the taut opening beyond. ‘Oh God – Gaddes – if you do that…’

‘If I do that, what?’

‘You know I can’t keep quiet. Someone’s going to hear. We’re going to be in so-o much trouble. Aah!’

‘You like two fingers, don’t you?’

Allen whimpered an affirmative, pushing against Gaddes’ exploration. He gently flexed his fingers inside, trying to find the spot that would take such ecstasy from pressure.

‘There you are… what is that, d’you think?’

‘I – I don’t know – rub it…’ Allen had braced himself, clinging to Gaddes’ shoulders, his breath puffing against his neck in erratic bursts as he fought for self-control. ‘Nnnhh… nnnnnh… ah… aah! Oh God, oh God…’

‘What would that be in opera talk?’

‘I don’t know, damn you. I – Dio mio? O Dio?’

‘You’re in very good voice tonight.’

‘You’re awful,’ Allen moaned, with a kind of despairing laugh. ‘Molto cattivo. È troppo pericoloso!’

‘Sorry, sweetie, haven’t a clue what you’re saying – I just think it sounds lovely.’

Allen bit him lightly on the shoulder, and he gave him a little smack on the bottom with his free hand.

‘Oh, please, please… per favore, per piacere, fallo adesso.’

Even without knowing the words Gaddes understood his tone perfectly. Pulling his fingers free, one hand pushing Allen’s hips down, the other guiding his eager cock, he entered him, groaning aloud at the feeling of tight heat enveloping him, making his heart skip and quiver in place. They were very still for a moment, pressed close together, their breathing thunderous in their ears.

‘When did – when did you have time to get it up again?’ Gaddes murmured, vaguely bemused as he gazed into Allen’s lap. Without answering, Allen took his right hand and guided it to wrap around his reviving cock, pressing a soft, warm kiss on his lips, a kiss with a trembling purr in it.

‘Fammi godere, caro, bello, carissimo,’ he whispered. A hiss escaped his lips as Gaddes moved his hips, a sharp intake of breath escalating to a gasp on the next stroke.

‘Più forte…’

‘Hnh?’

‘Harder!’

‘Oh.’ He thrust upward, losing himself in the rough rhythm of it, half-hearing Allen urging him on, più forte, su! O Dio, ti amo, as he rode him, the hot thighs either side of Gaddes’ body straining to lift him up and drive him down. This was perfect, this was bliss, this got better with every second, pumping and panting as he slid down in the chair, fierce boiling pleasure making him growl again, making him the animal Allen had called him, burning away every conscious thought but the feeling of joy and love. He came in a moment of perfect abandon, calling Allen’s name.

For a long time he was mindless, drifting in blissful darkness with little shudders of delight still chasing each other through his body. Allen was heavy upon him, his rapid breathing gently slowing to a calmer rate. He felt a kiss next to his ear and surfaced, opening his eyes and smiling hazily.

‘Ti amo,’ Allen said, kissing his lips.

‘Ti amo more.’ Although he felt quite exhausted, Gaddes raised his arms to wrap around Allen’s body, hugging him close. He let his eyes fall shut again, peacefully, as Allen returned the embrace, resting his head on his shoulder.

‘Liar,’ Allen whispered. ‘You can’t.’ He kissed Gaddes’ neck, just by his ear, again. ‘That was so very, very lovely.’

‘You know, for the last couple of minutes no-one in the opera house has been able to hear anything but you.’

Allen giggled and smacked his shoulder weakly. ‘I blame you entirely. You’re corrupting me so much. I already had a problem with grapes. Now I can’t think of maths or opera without having wicked thoughts.’

‘I love your wicked thoughts.’

‘I rather like them too.’ Another sleepy kiss. Allen sat up now, gingerly easing himself off Gaddes’ softening shaft and settling again in his lap. He looked at his lover appraisingly for a moment, then leaned over to the basket of fruit on the table.

‘There we are,’ he said, hooking a pair of cherries, their stems joined, over Gaddes’ left ear. ‘Cherry earrings. I knew they would suit you.’

‘Thank you.’ Gaddes kissed his hand.

‘I wonder how long before they break down the door of the box to cart us off for gross perversion?’

‘They’re all just jealous of me getting to make love to you. Everyone down there is wishing they were one of us.’

‘So do we get off scot-free?’ Allen smiled. ‘Lucky, lucky us. I’ve spoiled your good suit, though. All sweaty and rumpled and a great creamy stain on your doublet.’

‘Stuff it, let the rental people worry about it,’ Gaddes said, grinning.

‘Rental!? I bought you that suit, you ungrateful wretch, we went to the best tailor in Pallas.’

‘The one you don’t pay?’

‘He considers it a privilege to get to dress us.’

‘Maybe he could run you up a few pairs of pretty pink princess panties.’

‘How did you guess?’ Allen nuzzled him affectionately. ‘Come on, don’t doze off yet. You’ll wake up feeling like a cripple if you sleep in this chair, and anyway I want you to stay awake and play.’

‘Did you have oysters for lunch, young man?’

‘No, silly, I had grapes. You know what they do to me.’

‘I certainly do now.’ He tried to pull himself into a more upright sitting position. ‘How do you know all that foreign language, anyway?’

‘Marlene was learning it,’ Allen explained. ‘I used to help her study sometimes, and I picked up bits and pieces.’

‘Allen,’ said Gaddes, a little severely, ‘is this where that doing-homework-together-rewarding-with-a-kiss thing comes from?’

‘Oh no. I wasn’t nearly as adventurous then, you know. I thought of that just with you, although I suppose that might have been a foundation for the idea. And I never did learn the language properly, only enough to say a few simple things and sometimes understand the titles of the operas and songs. I was very surprised at how well I managed just now. I didn’t know I had the vocabulary for such things.’

‘You must have been inspired. You get a kiss on the nose for that.’

‘Silly.’

‘Little darling.’

‘I have a plan,’ said Allen. ‘I’m going to eat your earrings, and then we’re going to have a lovely bath.’

‘How can I say no to a plan like that?’

 

The bath took a little time to arrange, as they had to make a proper fire and heat water in a kettle over it. Very economically, the meltwater from the ice that had chilled Millerna’s present was being added to the bathwater.

‘I do not want a cold bath tonight,’ said Allen, poking at the fire, ‘not the way I’m feeling.’

‘The way you’re feeling is positively alarming,’ said Gaddes. He was having a preliminary scrub with such water as was available, making sure he was ‘decent’ by his own standards. He never felt quite right about exposing Allen to the muckier side of the aftermath of their lovemaking, and tried to take care of those matters himself. It wasn’t that Allen seemed to mind, just that it didn’t seem fitting to Gaddes. By contrast, when the usual roles had been reversed, he felt it was his responsibility to bathe Allen, since he was the one who had got him dirty.

‘Do my rampant passions shock you?’ Allen asked, and laughed. He was feeling very light and free and happy, somehow, almost light-headed with the continuing sense of his own naughtiness. He wasn’t entirely sure why he felt it so strongly tonight but it was very enjoyable. Here am I, in just my shirt, my bottom bare, I feel like – there ought to be a boy version of ‘courtesan.’ I feel so beautiful and wicked and voluptuous. I’m sore, but I want so much more tonight.

‘You are thoroughly oversexed,’ Gaddes told him, wagging a finger at him with mock sternness.

‘Your fault,’ Allen teased him, sticking out his tongue impudently.

‘I know, and don’t I love it!’

The large kettle boiled, and Allen wrapped a cloth around his hand to take it from the grate, pouring the steaming water into the large tin tub, where it swiftly put paid to the last remnants of the ice.

‘I wish I had a bath large enough for you and I to sit in together.’

‘That’s what Sweetheart Springs is for.’

‘No, that’s too big. I want just an ordinary bathroom bath, that we could fill up with bubbles and slosh water over the sides of when we made love.’

‘They’re over-rated, sweetie. When you’ve banged your knees and your bum against the hard enamel a few times you know why.’ Gaddes dipped a fingertip in the tub, drew it back with a yelp, and poured in some more cold from the large water jar.

‘Do you need me to suck your poor finger?’ Allen said, taking his hand with a mischievous smile.

‘Come here, you little…’ Gaddes wrestled him down, gasping with laughter, and kissed him firmly, pinned to the floor where he had spread a towel.

‘Love you…’ Allen whispered, wrapping his arms around Gaddes’ neck and his legs around his hips, trying to draw his body down on top of him.

‘Love you too… but let me up, I want to undress you and give you your bath.’

‘I just lie here?’

‘You just lie there. Sponge-bath. I am hoping this will calm you down a little.’ He started to unbutton Allen’s shirt, and ease his arms out from the sleeves.

‘I’m hoping it will fire you up,’ Allen replied cheekily. ‘You can’t have had enough already.’

‘I’d say I have, except with you I never know, do I?’ Gaddes guided him to sit up for a moment so he could pull the discarded shirt out from under him. ‘I think I’m completely spent and then you give me one of your flirty looks or touch me just so and suddenly I find I’m all ready for another go. I don’t know how you do it.’

‘I’m magic, of course,’ said Allen. ‘Take off your clothes too. You don’t want them to get all wet. You’ve got a funny thing about keeping your clothes on, you know. Sometimes even when we have lots of time and opportunity to undress all the way you don’t want to. And you pulled your pants back up again, just now.’

‘Can’t really explain why I like it,’ Gaddes said, shrugging as he pulled his shirt, loosened at the neck, off over his head and tossed it away. ‘There are just times when it’s fun to go for it without waiting to get undressed. Well, and also I’ve never mastered the art of taking off my clothes without feeling a bit awkward and dumb. Like now. Socks. There is no way known to man of taking off a pair of socks and looking good.’ He had sat down on the floor in his underwear to do it.

‘You look wonderful to me,’ Allen said softly. There was no light in the room but what came from the fireplace, red-gold light that made Gaddes’ olive skin look coppery, flickering light that licked over his body lovingly and made his eyes look thrillingly dark and warm.

‘I never really know when it’s the right time to take off what,’ Gaddes was complaining, wadding his socks into a ball. ‘Then I leave it too late and have to scramble out of my pants in a hurry feeling like a twit.’

‘Oh, shut up,’ said Allen fondly. ‘I said you look wonderful. And you know you do.’

Surprised, Gaddes looked at him properly, took in the dreamy gaze from blue eyes made violet by firelight.

‘Well,’ he said slowly, feeling a little foolish even while his heart warmed, ‘I certainly feel wonderful when you look at me like that.’ All he had left on now were his shorts; he got to his feet and let those drop to the floor, looking down to where Allen lay with his hair in softly shining disarray, rich gold spread over white towelling and dark floorboards.

‘Perfect,’ said Allen. ‘And now you may bathe me.’

‘Always so bossy,’ said Gaddes fondly, dipping the sponge in the water and pressing it to Allen’s chest, sending warm rivulets trickling over his skin.

‘Well, I am your Boss.’ Allen closed his eyes at the touch of the water, a soft little smile curling the corners of his mouth, and stretched his arms over his head, dreamy and languid. He felt his body relax completely as the gentle sponge-bath went on; the scent of peaches from the soap reached him, sweet and fuzzy.

‘You are calming down after all,’ Gaddes murmured. ‘Sure you’re not asleep?’

‘I’m sure. I’ve just gone all dreamy and floppy.’

‘Even here. I think it’s exhausted after that astonishing recovery earlier.’

‘You shouldn’t make fun of that.’

‘I’m not, I was impressed! Need you to roll over now, sweetie, I’m going to wash your back.’

‘This is so nice,’ Allen sighed, turning onto his stomach and sweeping his hair over his shoulder, out of the way. ‘I feel very loved. No, very beloved.’

‘You should. You are.’ Gaddes kissed the nape of his neck as he swept the sponge down the curve of his spine and over the rise of his buttocks. ‘You are my precious treasure, my golden peach of a boy. You make me feel so very very lucky.’

Allen wriggled his shoulders under the caress, with a little squirm of drowsy pleasure. ‘I’m purring,’ he said, ‘just so you know.’

‘Don’t fall asleep before my turn. I expect to be just as spoiled as you.’

Allen turned over again, sitting up to kiss Gaddes. ‘Is my darling feeling neglected? Is it a thankless task spoiling me?’

‘No, no no no. I didn’t mean it to sound like that. Lie back down, I’m not finished.’

‘But I’m kissing you now, sweetie, I like that too. Here, give me the sponge.’ He stroked soft lather onto Gaddes’ chest, squeezing the sponge to send trickles of water down over his belly and into his groin, dripping white suds into dark hair.

‘If you insist.’ Gaddes pulled him closer, and Allen hitched himself over the floor to sit in the vee of Gaddes’ thighs, his legs loosely wrapped round his body as he bathed his chest and stomach. Their lips met in soft, lazy kisses, Gaddes’ hands slowly stroking Allen’s back and shoulders.

‘Lucky me, getting to wash your back twice in one day.’ He moved the sponge to the back of Gaddes’ neck.

‘I’ll have the world’s cleanest back. Ooh – tickles.’

‘How can water tickle?’

‘It does. I have a ticklish back. Oi! Careful! You’re doing it on purpose now.’ He squeezed Allen’s shoulders warningly, a soft bubble of laughter rising in his throat.

‘I’m incorrigible.’ Allen ran his fingertips down Gaddes’ spine and back up again, humming a descending note and then an ascending one.

‘I’ve always tried to incorrige you.’ Gaddes arched his back involuntarily, with a little shiver, his head tilting back; Allen kissed the bump of his adam’s apple, the dent at the base of his throat.

‘You’re a very silly man.’ He felt Gaddes’ hand behind his head, guiding him in for a deeper kiss, tongue gently probing, seeking his response. He sighed, nestling closer, kissing back with all his heart. He felt Gaddes’ nails softly dragged down his back, making his skin tingle and prickle, drawing a smothered moan from his throat.

He drew back, pressing his finger to Gaddes’ lips. ‘Calm down.’

‘We’ve gotten turned round. That was my line.’

‘Well, you’ve convinced me. Let me finish your bath. And I’ll make us both a nice cup of tea, and we can snuggle down in bed and talk and kiss and pet.’

‘Making me wait?’

‘Now now. You had it all your way before. Turnabout is fair play. And you like it really.’

‘I just like you.’ He let himself be bathed, towel-dried, guided to the bed where he lay and watched Allen move before the fire, brewing the tea.

‘You really are so beautiful,’ he called softly across the room. Allen smiled at him over his shoulder, rosy in the firelight, but didn’t answer.

‘Bring the fruit over when you come back, I’m peckish again.’

‘What do you think of me with cherry earrings?’ Allen held up a pair to his ear.

‘Very sweet. You should decorate yourself with fruit more often. You look like a Solstice tree.’

Allen stuck his tongue out at him, hooking the cherries into place, and hunted for another linked pair for his other ear. ‘I’ll write a very heartfelt note of thanks to Millerna for these,’ he said. ‘What a shame she can’t know what a heavenly evening she’s given us.’

‘With assistance from her common friend Mr S. Gaddes. You know that? I’m officially her friend. She considers me worthy.’

‘Lucky old you!’

‘Told me all about her plans for the future. She’s going to be a doctor, you know.’

‘Funny little thing,’ said Allen, laughing.

‘Don’t you think she could?’ Gaddes asked, a little surprised.

‘She’s not going to be a doctor,’ said Allen. ‘I’m sure it seems like a delightful idea to her now, very romantic, but when she’s grown up a little and realised what sort of work it means, I assure you she’ll think no more of it. It’s no career for a lady, and she’ll see that.’

Gaddes was not convinced of that, but didn’t feel like arguing at a time like this. It was odd even to think about Millerna at the moment; he nudged away a memory of her earnest little face under the stairwell lamplight. Her plans hadn’t seemed like the sort of whims a child grew out of. But the thought of that could certainly not compete with the present reality, with the flickering play of shadow and light on the contours of Allen’s body and the soft sound of his voice as he half-hummed, half-sang to himself while he waited for the tea to steep.

‘Do you really wish you were in Pallas town?’ Gaddes asked, catching the tune.

‘Not tonight,’ Allen assured him. ‘Funny, really – that song only makes me think of you and I sitting on the roof together. I was singing it thinking of how content I am to be here.’ He started to pour a cup.

‘None for me,’ said Gaddes.

‘Are you sure? It’s that jasmine tea that you like.’

‘I’ll have a sip of yours. I don’t want a whole cup.’

Allen brought his teacup and the fruit basket over to the bed, leaving them on the nightstand, and curled up next to Gaddes, his head nestling against his shoulder.

‘You’ll squash your earrings on me,’ Gaddes said, playing with the cherry resting against Allen’s cheek.

‘A little bit of juice won’t hurt you,’ said Allen, smiling. He seemed to get an idea from that; he removed one ‘earring,’ bit a cherry in half, and drew a red heart on Gaddes’ chest with the juice.

‘Messy boy – and after you just got me clean.’

‘I can clean you up again,’ Allen said, bending his head to lick the juice away, feeling a little spark of satisfaction at the sigh of pleasure he drew from Gaddes. Swallowing the last trace, he sat up just to look at him, pulling down the covers to enjoy the view, and got a new idea.

‘Why didn’t I think of it before?’

‘Think of what?’ Gaddes asked. Allen reached over him to the basket, taking a large bunch of green-gold grapes, and laid them in his lap, draping them to trail down between his thighs.

‘Ganymede,’ he said, laughing softly. ‘Why didn’t I think of making my dream come true?’

‘You’re going to eat grapes out of my lap?’

‘If you’re willing.’ Allen gave him a hesitant glance, uncertain for a moment. Perhaps it was too strange an idea. Gaddes liked him to take the lead sometimes, and he enjoyed it, but he wasn’t always confident that his desires were – well, normal was not the word, but acceptable.

‘I’m more than willing. I would’ve suggested it except I thought you might have gone off the idea. What should I do? To be like your dream-boy?’

‘Well, you…’ Allen glanced down for a moment, blushing. ‘You just lie there, really – but you talk to me – you ask me to touch you, and you, um, you put the first grape in my mouth.’

‘Like this?’

‘Mm…’

‘Then touch me, Allen.’

‘Ally.’

‘Sorry?’

‘Um – when I was younger, sometimes I was called Ally, short for Allen, and – and I was Ally in that dream.’ He was surprised at himself for saying it; he had never meant to bring it up, but somehow the name had popped out.

‘Really?’ A smile spread on Gaddes’ face. ‘I never thought of doing that with your name. It’s so cute. Why didn’t you tell me you’d like to be called that?’

‘I – well, it’s babyish, and I haven’t been Ally for years, and…’

‘You can be Ally with me.’ Gaddes touched his cheek, softly grazing his fingers over the skin, over the trace of cherry juice staining his lips and chin.

‘I – I always feel that I am Ally with you. Ally is – is someone safe, and loved…’

‘And a little bit naughty?’

‘Tremendously naughty, I’m afraid. He didn’t use to be, but he’s grown that way as I’ve grown older.’ I didn’t expect to feel so embarrassed! But I don’t think he minds. I think he even possibly likes it.

‘So it’s Allen who takes care of business, and Ally who kisses me?’ Gaddes was rolling a grape between his thumb and forefinger; the movement seemed hypnotic to Allen.

‘Um – yes.’

‘And it’s Ally who has the wicked thoughts, and wet dreams?’ The grape broke free from the stem.

‘Yes…’

‘I’m very fond of Ally.’ The grape touched Allen’s lips, the broken skin where it had been attached to the stem letting a trace of juice drip into his mouth. He sucked at its smoothness, closing his eyes, feeling a deep, tightening tingle of arousal in his groin. The skin burst; juice flooded his tongue and he softly moaned.

‘Touch me, Ally… taste me.’

Talk about tease, Gaddes thought as he watched the golden head descend between his legs to browse on the grapes. He felt the warmth and moisture of Allen’s close breathing; he felt the little nudging touches of the grapes as they were disturbed by Allen’s lips as he fed; but there was no direct touching, no kiss on his skin. The bunch began to slip down between his thighs; Allen made a little complaining noise, and he reached down to hold it steady, letting the fingers of his other hand stray amid Allen’s silky hair. With an amorous little sigh, Allen gently pushed his thighs further apart, giving himself better access, nuzzling closer and stroking the taut muscle under his hands. The bunch of grapes was first peaked, then divided in the middle by the rising mass of Gaddes’ erection, feeling harder, hotter, with every beat of his heart. The teasing went on, since Allen ignored it entirely and continued to nibble around the base of it, apparently thinking of nothing but the grapes.

‘Does that taste good, Ally?’

‘Mmmm…’

‘You know you’re making me feel very good.’

‘Mm.’ Juice warmed in Allen’s mouth dripped on his balls, and he caught his breath sharply.

‘Oh, God… can’t you guess what I want you to do?’

‘Hmm?’ There was a tremor of laughter in the sound, an arch little tone that told him he was being toyed with.

‘You know.’

‘Mm-mm.’ A playful denial.

‘You do!’

Allen raised his head a moment. ‘You know I have to eat all the grapes,’ he said, smiling, and calmly returned to his feast; though perhaps calmly was not the word, given how hard he was beginning to breathe.

‘You little…’ Catching hold of the stem, Gaddes pulled the grapes up onto his belly; Allen simply followed and continued there.

‘Okay, I know when I’m beaten.’ He pushed them back down and tried to make himself patient, but as the number of grapes decreased the naked stems were tickling him; still Allen dripped juice over his skin, and the tantalising effect was almost unbearable.

‘Lucky last,’ Allen whispered, and swallowed, trembling.

‘Yes. Yes, now…’ He whimpered with frustration as Allen dotted a row of kisses along the fold of his groin, to the left, then the right, little sucking love-bites, nuzzling into his dark curls, licking up droplets of grape juice, everywhere but dead centre where he wanted it. He pushed the skeleton of the bunch away impatiently.

‘Oh please, please… Allen, Ally, don’t tease me like this!’ With his hand on Allen’s head, he tried to push him into place and met firm, implacable resistance.

‘I’m begging you!’

Wet heat met the base of his cock, spread and pressed and moved; he arched his back and cried out, his limbs trembling, as Allen’s tongue licked up the entire length of his erection, reached the tip, and was gone.

‘Don’t stop!’

‘Just be patient a moment,’ Allen said, leaning over him and reaching for his cup. ‘Don’t you find there’s something in grape skins that makes you thirsty? I just need a sip.’ He sat back on his heels, his eyes smiling at Gaddes over the rim of the cup.

‘You little demon,’ Gaddes said weakly.

‘All right. I haven’t the stomach to be mean to you for that long.’ Still playful, he leaned on his elbow and dropped a kiss on the aching tip of Gaddes’ cock, then dropped back to take another sip of tea, his eyes dancing.

‘I’m dying.’ Gaddes closed his eyes, gripping bunched handfuls of the quilt beneath him. When he felt Allen’s breath on his skin he thought it would be another tease, and his heart almost burst as he was engulfed in pulling heat.

Allen drew back, startled at the way he had yelled. ‘Are you all right? I didn’t hurt you, did I?’

‘What the hell did you do? Your mouth’s so hot!’

‘I – I suppose it’s the tea, I just…’

‘Do you have any left?’

‘Um – yes…’

‘Do it again!’

Allen obeyed, enveloping him in liquid fire, grabbing him with both hands as his hips bucked upward. As he sucked harder, one hand let go; a moment later Gaddes felt pressure, penetration, fingers stretching deep inside. He called out, wordlessly; the teacup had fallen over on the bed and he could feel wetness soaking through the sheets; his hips were jerking uncontrollably; he could feel Allen moaning as he took him deeper in; fingers moving, probing, sliding, rubbing him into a frenzy that peaked as he came full in Allen’s mouth.

Oh God… oh God… God. As his dizziness cleared, he could feel Allen gently finishing him, licking him clean. Releasing Gaddes from his mouth, he crawled up over his body to lower himself on top of him, an exhausted embrace.

‘That was quicker than usual for you,’ he murmured.

‘Sorry,’ Gaddes mumbled.

‘Why? I think it’s nice that it was so good for you. Wasn’t it?’

‘Unbelievable.’ He kissed Allen’s shoulder, stroking his hair.

‘And you’ve never gone off in my mouth like that.’

‘I didn’t mean to.’

‘But you let me do it all the time. I was wondering why you didn’t, if I wasn’t very good at pleasing you that way. If I am, I’m very happy.’ He rolled slightly to one side, nestling beside Gaddes in his accustomed position.

‘Really? Hm. Serves me right for trying to be a gentleman.’ He shifted a little, dreamily, getting comfortably settled down, before a thought occurred to him. ‘Wait, though, you haven’t had your fair share.’ He slipped his hand between Allen’s legs and found him limp and relaxed. ‘What happened?’

‘Um,’ said Allen, with a guilty little smile. ‘You know what wet dreams are like.’

‘You came just from eating grapes?’

‘That and rubbing against the sheets,’ Allen admitted. ‘I was a bit overexcited.’

‘That’s putting it mildly!’

‘You must think I’m extremely peculiar,’ Allen said nervously.

‘No. I love my Ally.’ Passing his fingers through Allen’s hair, he found one cherry still caught by its stem; they had one bite each and kissed through the juice, sleepily, as the fire died to rosy ashes.


	15. Chapter 15

The next few weeks were exhausting but happy, as they worked to re-establish the blockhouses and reinforce the fortifications. Allen was determined to make Castelo fit for real combat, and Gaddes suspected he was more worried about the new gang than he let on. He decided not to pry and simply did everything he could to help, working himself sore on the stockades, and meeting at evening a very appreciative Allen, who would greet him with kisses and a tender rub-down to soothe his tired muscles.

‘Is that better?’ Allen asked, kneading Gaddes’ shoulders as he knelt astride his back. Gaddes was stretched out on the bed, his chin pillowed on his folded arms.

‘Much better. I feel like a new man.’

‘Perhaps I should give you a sponge bath so you’ll smell like a man too. At the moment you’ve got an odour of lion’s den about you.’

‘Growr,’ Gaddes said lazily.

‘I have a little daydream where you’re a lion.’

‘Really?’ Gaddes said, rolling over and looking up at him. ‘Me? You’re the one with a golden mane.’

‘Well, I’m a lion in it too,’ Allen said, smiling a little coyly as he traced a spiral on Gaddes’ stomach with a fingertip. ‘Would you like to hear it?’

‘Come here and kiss me and tell me all.’ As Allen’s lips touched his, he combed his fingers through his soft hair, drew his hands down over his back to squeeze his firm buttocks, moved one hand gently between their bodies to stroke between Allen’s legs.

‘You’re a pretty excited lion,’ he murmured.

‘I’ve been touching you, seeing you and smelling you for the last twenty minutes, so what do you expect?’ Allen kissed him again and purred as Gaddes unwound his sash, beginning to pop his fly-buttons.

‘Tell me your daydream.’

‘I’m a lion…’

‘You’re a lion…’

‘With a golden mane, as you said… I live on the veldt…’

‘The what?’

‘It’s a sort of plain that’s nice for lions to live on.’

‘I bet you look svelte on the veldt.’

‘I live on the veldt with my pride of lionesses, and defend my territory, and lounge about in the shade and take first pick of the kill and think I’m very happy.’

‘What do you want with lionesses?’

‘I don’t know any better. Sshh.’ Allen rolled over and sat up to take his pants off properly, Gaddes watching him. ‘Would you like to get undressed while I tell you more of the story? You’ve got your shirt off anyway.’

‘On it,’ said Gaddes, unbuckling his belt. ‘Continue.’

‘And then one day another lion enters my territory. A lion from the deep dark forest, the wild and unknown jungle. His body is lean and hard, his mane is short and dark. He prowls on the outskirts of my range, leaving the marks of his scent. I see his glowing eyes watching me in the dark.’ Naked now, he leaned over and kissed Gaddes’ neck. ‘This is you, in case you haven’t guessed.’

‘It’s lucky you told me.’ Gaddes caught his breath and sighed with pleasure as Allen began to massage his cock, still kissing and nipping along his neck and collarbone. Love it. He rubs my back so it won’t get stiff and rubs my cock so it will.

‘I don’t know if I can fight him. I’m a little scared of him. He’s so very strong, so very male. One day, alone, I see him, scent-marking, spraying his musky essence, I see his long, thick member, I smell his hot, rank odour, and he turns to look at me…’

Gaddes fumbled in the pocket of his discarded trousers for the little lube-tube; he could see where Allen was going and wanted to be ready for it, wanted to satisfy the demands of his fantasy seamlessly. He was a little bit amused at how purple Allen’s prose was getting (the ‘musky essence’ and ‘long, thick member’ were particular highlights), but as usual was captivated by how completely swept up in the daydream he was, his drowsy eyes shining, his lips flushed and wet.

‘He looks at me,’ Allen sighed, ‘and I feel as if I’m in heat… I can’t think of the little golden lionesses any more… he fills up my world… my King of Beasts…’ He paused to kiss Gaddes deeply before rising up on his hands and knees. ‘And I turn my back to him… go down on my knees… I raise my tail and offer myself to him, mewling in my throat the way the lionesses do when they want me to mount them, to mate them… Gaddes… Gaddes, are you ready?’

‘I’m ready. I’m right behind you. Just tell me what you want.’

‘And I feel him gently clasp the nape of my neck with his strong jaws…’ Gaddes closed his hand on the back of Allen’s neck, gathering together the thick, soft locks of his hair.

‘And I feel him… I feel him enter me… oh God… Gaddes… deeper… oh yes, that’s it… aah!’ Allen arched his back, quivering, pushing back against Gaddes’ penetration.

Gaddes slid his free hand down from Allen’s hip into the fold of his groin, down to wrap around his cock, straining against his belly. He wanted to rub it in perfect time with his thrusts, try to bring them both together… however unlikely that was, given how close to his climax he felt already. On a few occasions he had had an orgasm immediately on penetration, when he was at his most relaxed and lazy; all it took was this tight, hot embrace, this envelopment in soft flesh, to make him lose any control he ever had.

‘And he rides me…’

‘Like this?’

‘J-just like this… ooh, Gaddes…’

‘Ally…’

Bed creaking with the rhythm of their bodies, covers gripped tight in Allen’s hands, dusty early-evening summer sunlight slanting through the chinks in the shutters, deepening, tightening pleasure… Gaddes closed his eyes, wet his lips, breathing hard, finding the perfect stroke, entering the home stretch, trying so hard to hold on, hold on, hold on, and ultimately, joyously, losing his battle in a gushing rush of delight. As his tremors faded, he lovingly worked Allen to the same conclusion, letting them both collapse.

‘Oh Lord…’ Allen pushed a hand into his hair, sweeping down to where Gaddes still held it bundled together and entangling their fingers. ‘How… how do you always… oh Gaddes…’

‘Did I please you?’ Gaddes kissed his hand.

‘So much.’

‘I’m very happy.’ He moved Allen’s hair aside to nuzzle the nape of his neck. ‘I’m glad I didn’t let you down as a lion.’

‘You were a very, very good lion.’

‘You were lovely too. If I kiss you, will you purr?’

‘Lions can’t purr… no big cats can, only little cats.’

‘Then maybe we’ve just been two little tomcats playing Lions. Because I think you’re purring.’

‘My tomcat…’ Allen eased himself away and rolled over to embrace Gaddes.

‘My Ally cat.’

‘Ugh! Bad, bad pun!’ Allen giggled and smacked his shoulder.

‘I thought you were a unicorn, not a lion,’ Gaddes teased him.

‘I can be both. I can be a… a unicolion.’

‘Oh yeah? And what sort of noise does a unicolion make?’

Allen thought about it for a moment. ‘Vrp?’ he said.

‘Idiot.’ Gaddes kissed him deeply, slowly, their tongues rolling together playfully. Thank you, thank you, God, for giving me someone I can talk nonsense like this with.

‘Aren’t the lion and the unicorn supposed to fight for the crown?’ Allen wondered vaguely. ‘I’m pretty sure they do. The lion beat the unicorn all around the town… some gave them white bread, and some gave them brown…’

‘No, that sounds like “Hark, hark, the dogs do bark, the beggars are coming to town”.’

‘Some in rags and some in tags and one in a velvet gown?’

‘I think we’re hopelessly lost.’

‘No we’re not… we’re here on the veldt… in my territory… your territory… and I can promise you that after this I won’t need lionesses any more.’ He snuggled close, breathing Gaddes’ scent.

‘Should I never wash again, so I’ll always smell like this?’

‘No! It’s very nice once in a while, but I like you all soapy-sweet and fresh too.’

‘As you wish.’ He kissed the crown of Allen’s head, wrapping his arms around him.

‘My lion…’

‘The lion loves the unicorn.’ They lay together in cosy silence for some time.

‘I was just remembering…’ Allen murmured sleepily.

‘What?’

‘Adama Ish the Lion Man.’

‘And who’s he when he’s at home?’ Gaddes felt a twinge of pre-emptive jealousy.

‘Well, I’ve never met him. I only heard Balgus speaking of him. He just came to mind because we were talking about lions. He, and Balgus, and Lig Vieta the Doppelganger were chosen to be the Three Swordmasters of Gaea.’

‘Really? That’s strange. I mean, everyone’s heard of Balgus Ganesha, but I’d never heard of the other two.’

‘Well, I suppose it’s because they’re a beastman and a chameleon man. No matter what they did, people wouldn’t acknowledge them in the same way. But Balgus respected both of them as equals.’

‘Remarkable how far we’ve gotten from our original subject in such a short time,’ Gaddes pointed out, smiling affectionately.

‘It’s something I wonder about sometimes…’

‘Hmm?’

‘Whether he means for me to carry on in his footsteps. He’s quite an old man now, in his sixties, although by all accounts he’s as strong as ever. But did he train me so I could be – well, the Swordmaster for the human race, after him? Am I being presumptuous and arrogant to think it? He never said so directly. And I can’t ask him. Of course, I’ve probably disqualified myself now.’ His face fell.

‘No no no. I forbid you to think of something like that. Think of something nice.’

‘Well… all right… we’ll all have a lovely holiday from fixing things up around here tomorrow, when we go down to Lamor for market day.’

‘That’s right. That’s more like it.’ He stroked Allen’s hair back from his brow, letting their lips just graze together, teasingly, before kissing him softly. ‘But that’s going to be a rough day in another way… a day in public, on our best behaviour…’

‘We should be used to it by now.’

‘But it doesn’t get much easier.’

‘No, it doesn’t.’

‘It’s not just that I keep wanting to grope you. I wish I could hold your hand when we’re walking around, or put my arm round you if we sit down together, or just act like someone who loves you, without anyone going aargh perverts.’

‘That’s like wishing you could fly, sweetheart. You’ll only make yourself miserable if you dwell on it.’

‘I know. But you’d like that too, wouldn’t you?’

‘I’d be so happy.’ Allen kissed him lightly and sat up, stretching. ‘We should put ourselves back together. It’s almost time for dinner. And then we have the joys of night patrol.’ He flashed a smile over his shoulder as he pulled his shirt on. ‘When you can hold my hand, as long as we’re alone and it doesn’t make you walk into anything.’

 

Lamor on market day was dusty and clamorous, with dense, pushing crowds trying to keep under the awnings that lined the one main street and avoid the hot sun. It was intended as a free day for the men of Castelo, the only proviso being that they must not do anything too embarrassing.

‘A good test,’ Gaddes had told them before they left base, ‘is to ask yourself if you can picture the Boss doing it. If you can it must be fine. If the answer’s no, see if you think I’d do it, in which case it’s probably okay. And if it fails both tests and you still do it, I’ll cut your ears off and sew them back on the opposite sides. You’re not to show him up. Got that?’ A dutiful chorus of mingled ‘Yes, sarge’s and a few ‘yeah, yeah’s.

‘You make some rather dire threats,’ Allen remarked as Gaddes turned away from them. He had been listening from afar and seemed rather amused.

‘Oh, I have to play the bad cop so you can stay universally beloved,’ Gaddes said, innocently.

Once they hit town, the men scattered to enjoy themselves.

‘Like kids in a candy store,’ Gaddes commented.

‘In fact, I think I see Reeden and Kio making a beeline for the candy store,’ Allen said, shading his eyes.

‘They’d be in the minority, then. I think most people want to go to the pub.’

‘All day?’ Allen wrinkled his nose. ‘I want a haircut – just a trim – new socks, something to read that I don’t have memorised, and to order some new shirts before the ones I’ve got disintegrate.’

‘I think I’m just going to mooch around.’

‘Suit yourself. Should I look for a book for you?’

‘Yeah, a mystery would be good.’ They parted amicably, and as soon as Allen was out of sight Gaddes felt disgruntled and bored. Lamor seemed pointless; the market was without appeal. He wandered among the stalls for a while, and spent some time dithering in the street outside a shop which he was fairly sure sold ladies’ underwear. He couldn’t quite work up the nerve to look directly into the window, so he kept having to try to sneak sidelong glances while pretending to be very interested in the dry goods and hunting gear offered by the two establishments on either side of it. After many such glances he had built up enough of a composite picture to know that if they did sell silk panties, they didn’t put them in the window where anyone walking by could see them, and obviously it was the sort of thing you went in and asked for, which put it entirely out of the question. Wanting to give Allen a nice surprise was one thing, but he would feel like far too much of an idiot. Besides, it would look odd; with no known girlfriend he had no excuse to be buying frilly knickers, and who knew how news might spread or eyebrows might be raised. After perhaps twenty minutes of dithering he gave up, wandered off and bought an apple turnover. At one end of the main street of Lamor was a band rotunda with a small war memorial, the town council’s pride and joy; at the other was a large circle of grass with a venerable Pallas Bay fig tree growing in the middle. He took his turnover down to the tree end, and sat on the grass in the shade to eat and mope.

As he was finishing the last edge of pastry, someone said in a brisk, pleased voice, ‘Oh good, it’s you!’ He looked up, startled; he thought they were talking to him, but he didn’t immediately recognise the voice. A fair-haired woman was standing there with a large shopping bag slung over one arm and a small child sitting on the opposite hip, wriggling to be put down.

‘I just can’t keep a proper eye on her with all the things I’ve got to do this morning,’ the woman said, ‘so if you’d just mind her for half an hour, you’ll have a friend for life. Thanks so much!’ Gaddes had placed her now as one of the women who came to fort market days with her family, although he had no idea what she was called. She was already setting the child down beside him. ‘Mind nice Sergeant Gaddes, now,’ she told it. ‘Bye-bye!’ With that she was gone, leaving the pair of them somewhat nonplussed and unenthused with one another’s company.

The child, a girl of about three years old with straight brown hair and large, serious blue eyes, plugged her right thumb into her mouth and regarded Gaddes gravely.

‘Um. Hi,’ he said, unable to come up with a better conversational gambit. ‘My name’s Sam. What’s yours?’

She uncorked for a moment, said ‘Ellice,’ and replaced her thumb in her mouth.

‘Why do people always trust me?’ Gaddes wondered aloud. ‘Have I got an honest face or something? I wish I looked dishonest instead. For all she knows I’m a dodgy devil who’ll drown you in the river and eat you.’

Ellice gave this due consideration, and removed the thumb again. ‘I’d eat you,’ she said.

‘I don’t think you could. Here’s me,’ he stood up, to show her his full height, ‘and there’s you. Now I could make maybe two meals of you, but you’d be working for a week on me. You’d get sick of it. You know how after Solstice there’s leftover turkey and ham for a week, and on the first day it’s yay, turkey, and by the fourth day it’s oh, turkey again? It’d be like that.’

Ellice stared at him for a moment more, then grinned broadly. ‘You’re silly,’ she said. ‘I’m a pussycat.’ She dropped to her hands and knees and miaowed at him.

‘Really? I’m a lion. That’s like a cat but bigger, with huge teeth and claws.’

‘I know what a lion is,’ she said scornfully. ‘If you’re a lion you should be on all paws.’

‘I might as well,’ he admitted.

Some forty minutes later, they had thoroughly tired themselves out with speed-crawling trials, pouncing games and daisy-chain making, and Gaddes was starting to wonder if Ellice’s mother was ever coming back, or if he was going to have to adopt her.

‘Now I need my sleep,’ she said, carefully crowned him with the small, rather crushed daisy-chain she had made, and curled up on the grass with her eyes closed. Sighing, he lay back beside her, propped on one elbow, and fell to people-watching, with a particular eye to seeing if the fugitive mum was on the horizon. He was just observing a quite amusing altercation over the price of a melon when he heard Allen’s voice nearby, in sweet-talk mode. He rolled over and saw him walking with a pretty, plump, dark-haired girl and carrying her packages for her.

‘Hey, Boss!’ He waved, too pleased to see him to act indifferent. Allen looked over in his direction and his face brightened with a smile, a couple of notches up from the one with which he’d been favouring the girl. He brought it back under control within a moment, but it was nice to see.

‘What are you doing?’ Allen asked, walking over. ‘You seem to have a garland.’

‘It’s a present from my lady friend,’ Gaddes said, indicating Ellice.

‘Oh, how sweet,’ said the brunette. ‘Is she your little girl?’

‘No,’ he said, blinking with surprise. ‘I’m just minding her. You must be new around here.’

‘I’ve just had to move from Pallas,’ she said with a sigh. ‘Daddy’s work brought him out to this godforsaken place. Oh – I beg your pardon. It’s your home, of course.’

‘No it’s not. I’m from Pallas too. I’m up the fort with the Boss here.’

‘This is my sergeant Samivel Gaddes,’ Allen explained. ‘He’s invaluable.’

‘Oh! How silly of me.’ She gave a little tinkling laugh. ‘But it’s so hard to tell, when your men don’t wear uniform.’

‘You seem to have an affinity for small girls,’ Allen said thoughtfully to Gaddes. ‘I remember Princess Millerna being very fond of you.’

‘They’ve got an affinity for me,’ Gaddes corrected him. ‘I don’t know what to do with them. Hey, are you going to be in the pub at lunchtime? I think most of the guys are.’

‘I would,’ said Allen, ‘but Miss Deloitte has invited me to lunch at her house.’

‘Mummy will be so pleased to see there’s some society here,’ Miss Deloitte said confidingly. ‘She’s done nothing but lie on the chaise longue and cry since we arrived.’

‘Oh… right… I guess I’ll see you sometime in the afternoon, then.’

‘Probably,’ Allen said, trying to signal an apology with his eyes while keeping his tone cheerful. ‘Enjoy yourself,’ he said, as the young lady led him away.

‘Poo on Miss Deloitte,’ Gaddes muttered, leaning back on the grass with his hands clasped behind his head. Beside him, Ellice giggled and opened one eye.

‘You said poo!’

‘You’d say poo too if someone else was stealing your best friend.’

‘Do grown-ups have best friends?’

‘Of course we do.’

‘My mummy says my daddy’s her best friend.’

‘That’s very nice for them.’

‘Have you got a mummy? A wife, I mean?’

‘Not yet. How old do you think I am?’

Ellice frowned, considering. ‘Forty?’

‘Oh, for God’s sake.’ Gaddes began to laugh.

‘Glad to see you’re having a nice time!’ It was Ellice’s mother, bustling up with a full shopping bag. ‘Sorry I took so long, I ran into a friend. Have you been a good girl, Ellice?’

‘Yes,’ said Ellice impatiently.

‘Say thank you to nice Sergeant Gaddes.’

‘Thank you Sam.’

‘Ooh, is she allowed to call you that?’ her mother asked apologetically.

‘It’s fine,’ he said, smiling.

‘Thanks again!’

‘No trouble.’ She took Ellice by the hand and the two of them walked away. He took the daisy-chain out of his hair and twirled it round his fingers for a minute or so before wadding it into a little damp green and white ball. The sun was high by now and it seemed like about time for lunch, so he heaved himself up off the grass and made for the pub.

The noise inside seemed almost solid; he had to push his way to a table where some of the Castelo men were sitting on benches.

‘Sarge!’ Teo made room for him. ‘Don’t order the pumpkin soup, it’s shocking, but the shepherd’s pie’s good.’ He nodded at a large communal dish in the middle of the table.

‘Where’ve you been?’ Baile asked. ‘We haven’t seen hide nor hair of you since we got here.’

‘Met a girl,’ Gaddes said, truthfully, as he helped himself to a chunk of the pie.

‘You get the most out of a day in town, don’t you?’

‘I don’t know what you’re insinuating,’ he said, grinning. ‘Pass the salt?’

‘The Boss is at it too. He’s gone home with some posh bint he met.’

‘I don’t think he operates quite that way. I don’t think she would either, for that matter.’

‘Nah, you’d be amazed by some of these upper-crust girls,’ Oruto put in. ‘I used to work in a stable for a lord with three daughters. Nice horsey girls. Liked nothing better than a good hard ride.’ A burst of laughter went up.

‘Course, one day he caught me in the hayloft with Miss Suzana and stabbed me in the bum with a pitchfork,’ Oruto went on reflectively. ‘If he hadn’t gone easy because he didn’t want to jab right through into her, might’ve been the end of me. As it is, I’ve got a really interesting arse scar. Symmetrical. One hole in each cheek.’

‘We’ve all seen it.’

‘Really? When? I can’t remember showing you.’

‘No, you can’t usually remember anything you do in that state!’

‘Ooh, it’s my favourite man!’ The sudden high girly squeal cut right through the blokish voices. Someone flung her arms round Gaddes’ neck from behind and almost made him choke on his last mouthful of pie.

‘Lillee?’

‘I haven’t seen you for ages, you bad man, and you’re coming upstairs with me right now.’ There was a storm of appreciative foot-stomping and whistles from his so-called friends.

‘Why are you so keen?’ he asked, befuddled.

‘You’ve got something I want,’ she purred, playing with his shirt-collar.

‘What, money?’

‘He’s blushing!’ Teo laughed. ‘Go for it, Sarge!’ He thumped Gaddes on the back, making him gasp.

‘Did you guys set this up?’

‘Of course they didn’t,’ Lillee said, dragging him to his feet. ‘Now come on.’ She towed him away by the hand, rather urgently, through the lunchtime crowd and upstairs to a bedroom. Once they were inside, she locked the door on the inside and seemed to relax.

‘Well! Thank you for going along with that,’ she said. ‘I hoped I could count on you.’

‘What for?’ he asked, still bewildered. She’d dropped the sex-kitten act like a bad habit.

‘A customer I didn’t want to serve,’ she explained, waving a hand dismissively. ‘He was with Tracey last night and her bum’s so black and blue she can’t even sit today. I don’t know about you but I don’t especially enjoy being spanked, and I’m hoping if I stay up here for a while with you he’ll be gone when I go back down. That’s all right, isn’t it? I waited till you’d had your lunch.’

‘Oh,’ he said. ‘Oh. Well, that’s fine. Fair enough. I’m happy to do a good turn for a friend. Won’t you get in trouble if you’re not really working, though?’

‘Well, you’ve paid me for my time before,’ she said matter-of-factly. ‘That’s why I picked on you. Don’t worry, I’ll only charge you for hand relief.’

‘Why didn’t you get another actual customer?’

‘I’ve had five already this morning. All the trappers are in town and some of them haven’t seen a woman for a month. When I saw you I thought, yay, I can have a break.’

‘Okay. Jolly good, then.’ Feeling somewhat at a loss, he sat down on the end of the bed, which now he thought about it, did look rather like it had seen action several times that day. Lillee regarded him with hands on her hips.

‘Oh, you look disappointed,’ she said ruefully. ‘Poor boy. I thought you must be so pleased to have all your mates see me drag you off, too. Well, tell you what, if you want hand relief I’m happy to. Or a blowjob, how about that? I could even give you a freebie because you’re doing me a favour.’

‘No no no! I wasn’t fishing. You don’t have to give me anything,’ he protested, feeling his face turn red. ‘You deserve a break. Five men this morning? Phew. Don’t mind me!’

She gave him another long, appraising look, and seemed to make up her mind about something. ‘Joking apart, Sam, are you gay?’

‘Am I what?’

‘Gay. You know, queer.’

‘I’ve – I’ve never heard it called that before,’ he said, hedging desperately.

‘Well, it used to mean working girls like me,’ she explained, ‘but the working boys in Pallas have been calling themselves that too, and just lately it’s started to mean any homo. It doesn’t bother me at all if you are, I’m open-minded. I just sort of think you must be.’

‘What, just because I don’t want to catch the clap doing it with a slapper like you?’ he asked, resorting to nastiness in his panic.

She looked at him shrewdly and smiled. ‘I’m not going to tell anyone, you know,’ she said. ‘You can calm down. And I don’t mind if you call me a slapper, but I do not have the clap, so apologise.’

‘Sorry,’ he said, guiltily.

‘Good boy,’ she said contentedly, plumping down on the bed beside him and making herself comfortable. ‘So you are gay, then.’

‘How could you tell? I thought I was doing such a good job of hiding it.’

‘You are, mostly. I wouldn’t’ve guessed just from you only wanting to talk, because that happens sometimes. But once a few months ago, your lot were all in town, and I was out for a walk to get some fresh air, and I saw you and your cute boss looking very cosy on that little bridge at the back of town.’

‘Oh my God. I didn’t think anyone saw us. Oh, shit.’

‘Relax, Sam, if anyone saw you besides me I think you would have heard about it by now.’ She patted his arm soothingly. ‘You know, I gave you a chance. I tried a theory where your boss was actually a girl in disguise who’d run away to join the army. But he just isn’t – is he?’

‘No… no, he’s all boy.’

‘That’s so sweet,’ she said, giving a delighted little wriggle. ‘You two together, I mean. You’re both so cute, and I just think it’s really nice.’

‘You don’t think it’s disgusting and weird?’

‘Dahling, I’ve done everything you could possibly have done, or had it done to me, and there isn’t much I think is weird any more,’ she said dryly.

‘You haven’t buggered anyone.’

‘I have so. Haven’t you ever heard of dildoes? I had one chap who wanted me to do it with the heel of my shoe.’

‘Ew, seriously?’

‘I said sure, if he’d buy me new shoes. And he did.’ She shrugged. ‘That was a really nice pair. They had the neatest little ankle straps.’

‘Eargh. Okay, you’ve done more than I’ve done. I’ve never stuck anything up anyone that wasn’t part of me.’ He paused, thinking. ‘Although I was buggered with a whiskey bottle once or twice, does that count for anything?’

‘Course it does. Did he do that?’

‘God, no. He’s a gentleman.’

‘So you’ve been around a bit?’

‘Not that much,’ he said, feeling himself blushing again. ‘That was just… well, my old boyfriend.’

‘Old boyfriends,’ she said cheerfully. ‘Can’t live with ‘em, not supposed to kill ‘em. You’re happy with Allen, aren’t you?’

‘I’m really happy,’ Gaddes admitted.

‘He looks sort of too good to be true.’

‘He’s even better. Seriously, he’s the closest thing to perfect I can imagine without being nauseating like a perfect person would be.’

‘Well, I think that’s jolly nice,’ she said warmly. ‘Good for you.’

‘That’s… a really weird reaction, Lillee.’

‘I just think it’s nice if anyone gets a shot at true love,’ she said, shrugging. ‘Does who they are really matter?’

‘True love,’ he said, feeling a smile spread on his face. ‘I guess it is true love.’

‘You’re being cute again.’

‘Leave it out, Lillee.’

‘Actually, I should probably be talking shop with you.’

‘I told you I wasn’t like that.’

‘I just mean you’d have a pretty unique perspective on how to please a man. You know it inside and out, so to speak. Know any good tricks?’

‘Probably not anything you haven’t heard of. Seriously. Probably the trickiest thing I know about is… um… humming when you’ve got his balls in your mouth.’

‘Oh, I know that. Does Allen like that?’

‘I’m not telling you,’ he said, feeling himself blush again.

‘That’s the problem with attempting girl talk with someone who isn’t a girl,’ she sighed. ‘Men don’t understand the need to discuss private details about one’s boyfriend.’

‘Umm… Lillee, do you think you could do me a favour?’

‘Depends what it is. What do you have in mind?’

‘Well, speaking of girl talk, and, um, stuff that’s really just women’s business…’

‘Yes?’ She looked at him curiously.

‘Could you buy some underwear for me?’

Lillee burst out laughing; she laughed so hard that she had to flop over backwards on the bed.

‘Fine, forget it then,’ Gaddes muttered, his cheeks flaming.

‘No no no, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I just can’t imagine a big gangly guy like you wearing a bra and knickers.’

‘They’re not for me. And I don’t want any bras, just underpants.’

‘Oh my goodness. Have you sounded Allen out about this or are you going to just spring it on him? “Good evening, darling, I’d like you to wear these tonight”?’

‘It’s his idea in the first place. And don’t say anything about that. Just don’t, all right? I want to do something nice for him, give him a treat. And I can’t buy them myself because I’m embarrassed. Would you be willing? I’ll pay you back and everything.’

‘Of course I would, you poor boy. Any special requests?’

‘Well, silk. And pretty pale colours.’

‘Pastels?’

‘Yeah, that’s the word. I think he’d especially like pink. And embroidery. Butterflies or flowers or whatever. Just – princessy kind of stuff. Pretty stuff, like an elegant girl would have. I think that’s what he wants.’

‘Then that’s what he shall have,’ Lillee said decidedly. ‘I can have them for you by this evening, if you pay me for the time as well as the undies.’

‘Jeez, this is going to cost a lot, isn’t it?’

‘Well, do you love him?’

‘So much.’

‘Then you shouldn’t mind.’ She gave him a friendly pat on the leg. ‘It’ll only be what the local shop I go to has got, mind you. You could get nicer in Pallas. You ought to look at some mail-order catalogues.’

‘You won’t tell anyone, will you? I mean, it’s bad enough you know about me, but I really don’t want to betray him.’

‘I provide a very discreet service,’ Lillee promised. ‘Plain brown paper wrapping and everything.’

‘Thank you. This means a lot.’ He managed to smile, relaxing a little.

‘Seriously, is this all his idea?’ Lillee asked, nudging him and grinning.

‘I’ve got no idea what I’m going to think when I see him in a pair of girl’s knickers. I’m just praying it doesn’t make me laugh or put me off. I don’t see how it could put me off totally but sometimes your mind does unexpected things, you know?’ He sighed resignedly. ‘Oh well. If I don’t like the look of them I’ll just have to get them off him as quickly as possible.’

‘Yep. This is why you can’t do girl talk. You’re such a boy.’

‘I’m meant to be.’ He nudged her back.

‘Get off.’ She gave him a playful shove.

‘You get off.’ This was turning into a silly play-fight; as they pushed at each other he accidentally tipped her over and ended up sprawled on top of her body. ‘Sorry. Sorry!’ He scrambled off and backed away to the far corner of the bed.

‘So you should be,’ she said cheerfully, propping herself up on her elbows. ‘I thought for a moment you were going for that freebie.’

‘I’m really, honestly not interested in that. It’s not that I think you’re ugly or a slapper or anything like that, but I don’t feel that way about girls.’

‘I could just about wish you did. I’ve always sworn I wouldn’t get involved with a customer but you’ve never been a customer in that way.’ She tipped her head to one side, birdlike. ‘Are you sure you don’t want to try it, just to see what you think?’

‘No offence, but no. I mean, yes, I’m sure I don’t want to.’

‘All right, then,’ she said, sitting up and flicking back her hair, so untroubled that his pride was slightly hurt. ‘Just a thought. It’d be bloody inconvenient anyway, with you living out at that fort. And this job is easier if you don’t have a boyfriend. Jealous men are such a bore. Speaking of bore, I wonder how much longer I’ll have to stay up here before it’s safe to venture out? I’m expecting he’ll leave when most of the lunch crowd does. Have you got the time?’

‘No, sorry, no watch. You calling me a bore?’

‘It’s just boring being up here with nothing to do.’ She started to bounce on the bed, still in her sitting position. ‘Squeak, bedsprings, squeak. Make it sound like I’m earning my money.’

‘I’ll help,’ Gaddes said, starting to bounce too. ‘Should I do some grunts?’

‘Yes, but bounce in time with me, dummy. You’re meant to be thrusting here.’

‘Whoops. Better?’

‘Great! Oh! Oh Sam! Harder, harder!’

‘Shurrup.’

‘No, no, this is realism,’ she whispered, giggling, then raised her voice again, bouncing harder. ‘Oh my God!  I’ve never taken this much before! Ride me, ride me! Oh! You monster!’

‘Ow! I think I bit my tongue.’

‘Don’t be a wuss. Grunt some more!’

‘Ungh, ungh.’

‘Yes! Wa-hoo!’

‘Wa-hoo?’

‘Oh, you’re so good! Aah! Aaaaah! (you’re getting out of time again) OH MY GOD I’m coming I’m coming I’m coming don’t stop don’t STOP!’ She let out an ear-splitting squeal and threw herself back on the pillows with a jangling thump. ‘Oh! Sergeant. You’ve ruined me for all other men. I’ll have to retire.’

‘And I’m not even finished yet.’

‘Sweet merciful crap, you’re like a pile-driver!’

‘Only cuter.’ They were both almost helpless with laughter by this time, but he managed to keep bouncing. ‘Take this!’

‘Aah! Oh, God, that wasn’t even your full length before! Are you even human?’

‘I’m a god! God of Fucking! You must bear the brunt of my mighty man-sword! I warn you, no mortal woman has survived!’

Lillee gave a little hysterical scream and tried hard to disguise it as a sound of passion, following up with more moans and squeals while she gave Gaddes a good hard punch in the arm.

‘Oh! You’re fighting! You’re fighting! I love that!’

‘You bastard! You gorgeous bastard! Harder!’

‘Rrrrrrrrrugh! Yes! Yes! Oh, brace yourself, girl, because here I come!’

In unison, they both screamed at the tops of their voices, then collapsed giggling, half-crying with laughter. Someone in the next room banged on the wall and yelled ‘Are you quite finished, you freaks!?’ which set them off again just as they were beginning to calm down.

‘God of Fucking!?’ Lillee squeaked. ‘Do you talk like that to him?’

‘My God, no. He’d slap me.’

‘I half think I should slap you. Oof! That was lovely.’ She sat up and combed her fingers through her rumpled hair. ‘I haven’t had a good laugh like that in ages.’

‘Pleased to be of service.’ He grinned at her from his supine position. ‘Lillee?’

‘Hm?’

‘Do you ever really enjoy it, with a customer? I mean, not that much, obviously, I don’t think anyone enjoys it that much.’

‘Honestly?’ She puffed out her cheeks and exhaled gustily. ‘Once in a while, it feels quite nice, but mostly I’ve just gotten so good at thinking about something else while I go through the motions that I don’t really feel anything. I have to think about something else, you know, because most of the time it’s just work, something to put up with and get through. Sometimes it hurts pretty badly. Sometimes they’re just clumsy idiots. Sometimes they’re rather disgusting and you really understand why they have to pay someone. I’ve gotten so good at going somewhere else in my mind that I think if I did get a boyfriend I might not feel anything with him either. It’s a bit of a sad thought.’

‘I’m sorry, Lillee.’ He reached out and touched her hand, hesitantly.

‘Oh, it’s not your fault,’ she said, smiling wryly. ‘Just the opposite.’

‘Yeah, well, it’s not like I’m rescuing you. Just giving you a break.’

‘I realised the other day,’ she said, vaguely, her eyes gazing away as if not seeing him for a moment, ‘I’ve never done it with anyone who wasn’t paying me. I’ve never done it at all just because I wanted to. It would be nice if there had been once.’ Gaddes squeezed her hand, not sure he could say anything that would make her feel better, and she blinked and smiled at him, pushing the thought away. ‘Anyway, not to worry. It’s good to have a friend like you, even if I don’t see you too often. Shall we pop our heads out and see if the crowd’s thinned out?’

‘All right. Hey, if he hasn’t gone, stick with me a bit longer. I’ll pay you for the time. You might have to take a couple of instalments, but I won’t leave you out of pocket.’

‘You’re a true gentleman, Sergeant Gaddes.’

As they re-entered the bar-room they were greeted by a thunderous round of applause from the Castelo men still sitting at their table.

‘Oh, for crying out loud…’ Gaddes tried to look composed and unruffled sitting down, which was rather spoiled by Lillee seating herself in his lap with a flourish.

‘You’re a legend, mate,’ Reeden said, punching him in the shoulder. ‘You overact like crazy, but that’s part of the charm.’

‘You guys couldn’t hear everything we were saying, could you? We were just having a laugh.’

‘Put it this way, do you want us to call you Sergeant God of Fucking from now on?’

‘No. Oh, shit no.’ He pretended to hide his face in Lillee’s skirt, while the men broke up laughing. Raising his head, thoroughly embarrassed but on the whole having a good time, he was horrified to see Allen sitting across from him, regarding him with chin in hand and a thoroughly unimpressed look on his face.

‘A- b-Boss,’ he stammered. ‘I didn’t know you were here.’

‘I’ve been here for a while,’ Allen said coolly.

‘I, um, thought you were having lunch with your friend.’

‘Well, when we arrived at her house her mother was indisposed,’ Allen said, ‘so I excused myself.’

‘Oh.’ For God’s sake, get off me, Lillee! ‘Is her mother all right?’

‘I’m sure she will be.’ Still that cold, I’m-not-going-to-give-you-an-inch gaze.

‘Now Boss,’ said Oruto, ‘go easy on him. He’s a growing boy with urges.’

‘How Sergeant Gaddes conducts himself on a day off is entirely his own affair,’ Allen said, adjusting his cuffs, ‘unless he brings Castelo Fort into disrepute. I must say, I would not have expected him to… disport himself so crudely and so publicly.’

‘She started it,’ Gaddes mumbled guiltily. Lillee pinched him.

‘I expect she is no better than she ought to be,’ Allen said, regarding Lillee unlovingly. ‘Please leave us, madam. Your services are no longer required.’

‘Hey, that’s not fair,’ Gaddes protested faintly, as Lillee hastily removed herself from his lap.

‘No, Sam, you don’t have to say anything,’ she said brightly. ‘I’ll just be going.’

‘She’s a good woman,’ he told Allen, feeling both foolish and indignant. ‘Don’t look at her like that.’

‘Why don’t you listen to her, instead of lowering yourself attempting to defend your doxy?’

‘Whatever that means, don’t call her that!’ Gaddes snapped.

‘Fortunately,’ Allen replied, ‘I don’t have to listen to you.’ He got up from his seat and strode out, leaving an embarrassed silence behind him.

‘What crawled up his bum and died?’ Reeden wondered aloud.

‘I think I’ll go and ask,’ said Gaddes, and followed. He almost missed Allen in the street outside, but caught sight of his blue skirt disappearing around a corner. Hurrying after him, he caught up within a few moments. The side street was not busy like the main one, but they were not alone either.

‘Hey!’ he said. ‘Boss! Will you just calm down and let me explain to you?’ Allen refused to stop, talking without turning as he walked along rapidly.

‘There is nothing to explain, Sergeant. Everyone in the house heard you. Your trysting-room, in case you didn’t realise, was directly over the bar. You have no secrets.’ His voice was terse and clipped.

‘Be angry with me if you want to, but it really pissed me off when you insulted Lillee.’

‘She’s a whore, Sergeant! There’s nothing I could say worse than that.’

‘Just one bloody minute, she happens to be my friend, and who the hell are you to judge her anyway?’

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Allen demanded, wheeling round and glaring at him.

‘Well, who’re any of us to judge someone else?’ Gaddes asked lamely. ‘You don’t know her. I don’t know her very well. But just because she’s a prostitute doesn’t mean she’s “no better than she ought to be.” You’ve always given me the benefit of the doubt. Why not her?’

Allen stared at him a moment more, his cheeks red and his eyes flashing. Then he turned away impetuously, walking so fast he was almost running.

‘Come back! I’m trying to explain!’ Gaddes dashed after him; trying to evade him, Allen turned off down an alley. They found themselves alone in a quiet, dusty, dead-end space behind some houses. Allen looked around uncertainly, seeking somewhere else to bolt to. Catching up, Gaddes grabbed his arm.

‘Let go of me!’ Allen shook him off.

‘I want you to listen!’

‘I’ve already had to listen! It was disgusting!’

‘None of that was real!’

‘No, I don’t suppose it did mean anything to you.’

‘Shut up and listen. We were pretending. We were being silly and making noises as if we were doing it, for a joke.’

‘Well, why in the world would you do that?’ Allen asked, looking bewildered, but still angry.

‘It was just – I don’t know – something that happened, we were kidding around. I know it was dumb but it wasn’t meant to offend anyone.’

‘I don’t know if I believe you,’ Allen said. The rage in his eyes was melting into hurt. ‘Because why did you go up there with her at all?’

Gaddes sighed. ‘Believe it or not, I was trying to be a gentleman. Or at least do a good turn for a friend. She asked me to pretend to, well, engage her, so she could avoid a customer she didn’t want to have to deal with. A thug who would’ve beaten her up. That’s all there was to it. You know I wouldn’t really do that. Don’t you?’ Looking over his shoulder to make sure they were unobserved, he stepped closer and touched Allen’s arm. ‘Don’t you know that?’

‘I… I always believed…’

‘Come on,’ Gaddes said, giving him a little smile. ‘Do you think I’d seriously use lines like those? When you think about it, don’t I have to have just been kidding?’

‘Well… yes…’ He couldn’t quite meet Gaddes’ eyes.

‘I’m glad you know that.’ He softly traced the side of Allen’s face with his fingertips. ‘And do you know I love you?’

A very small voice said ‘Yes.’

‘And am I forgiven?’

‘It’s just that…’

‘Mm?’

‘Even if you were just playing… I hate for you to play like that with anyone but me.’

‘It was not like when we play. I promise you. Lillee and I were making daft noises for everyone to hear. Our games, yours and mine – they’re only for us. I don’t share that part of myself with anyone but you. Besides other parts that I just share with you.’ He stroked Allen’s hair back from his temple. ‘Forgiven?’

‘I was ashamed of you, Gaddes.’

‘I was ashamed of you.’

‘What?’ Allen’s head bobbed up, startled.

‘The way you spoke to Lillee. That was unworthy of you. And I’ve told you why. I’m embarrassed too. I know I shouldn’t have made a sleazy racket like that. I regret it, especially because it upset you. But she’s my friend, and she’s a nice woman, and even if you don’t approve of her job she doesn’t deserve your scorn.’

‘Is that really what you think?’

‘It really is.’

Leaning forward, Allen put his head on Gaddes’ shoulder. ‘Then I’m sorry.’

‘Thank you.’ Gaddes wrapped his arms around him, glancing nervously around again.

‘Don’t worry… I don’t think there’s anyone about.’

‘Then I can kiss you, and not get in trouble?’

‘I wish you would.’

Gaddes touched Allen’s lips with his own a little hesitantly, gaining a little confidence as Allen pressed against him with a sigh, warm breath tickling his skin.

‘We should be more secret,’ Allen whispered.

‘I know, but what can we do?’

‘There’s that little shed over there. We could hide there.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘I’m sure.’ He whispered in Gaddes’ ear, sending a shock through him. ‘I need you.’

‘You’re terrible.’

‘I know.’ Holding his hands, he drew Gaddes over to the little outbuilding.

‘What are we going to do if it’s full of junk? Or locked?’

‘I don’t know – despair?’ Allen opened the door. ‘It’s not locked.’

‘What about the junk?’ Gaddes peered over his shoulder. ‘We’re in luck! Just old lumber.’

‘Then get in here so I can shut the door, you fool.’ Pushing the door closed with his foot, he threw his arms around Gaddes, kissing him deeply, urgently. Gaddes found himself backed up against the stack of boards that took up most of the space in the shed.

‘Well, aren’t you aggressive.’

‘I feel as if I need to take you back… reclaim you… do you want to sit up here?’

‘No-one else has had me,’ Gaddes pointed out, boosting himself up onto the stack.

‘But I need to know you’re mine.’ Allen started unfastening his fly, popping buttons impatiently.

‘You are aggressive!’

‘Does the gentleman object?’

‘No… he’s just not really ready to receive visitors…’

‘I can brace him up,’ Allen whispered, bowing his head between Gaddes’ thighs and blowing gently on his warm, limp cock, making him shiver with pleasure.

‘Oh, yes you can…’ He felt himself drawn into wet heat and groaned, sinking his fingers in Allen’s soft hair.

‘Wait…’

‘What for?’ He watched Allen draw back with a feeling of confused dismay.

‘I don’t want to struggle with these stupid clothes later on. Let me just slip out of them.’ Gaddes watched, increasingly aroused, as Allen dropped his skirts and swordbelt to the floor, illuminated by lines of light filtering through cracks between the rough board walls of the shed. He reached out to him, trying to help.

‘Here, I’ll get your shoulder-straps while you undo your toggles.’

‘Thank you. Sometimes I’m tempted to stop wearing this uniform altogether.’

‘And walk round naked? I’d enjoy that.’

‘I was thinking of wearing civvies, ninny,’ Allen said, flashing him a smile as he pushed his trousers down from his hips. ‘Ready for anything now. Are you?’

‘You can see I’m readier than I was…’

‘I think you still need encouragement. Lift up your hips?’ He dragged Gaddes’ trousers and undershorts down to his ankles, managing to pull them off over his boots. ‘Oh yes… Gaddes… let me…’ He wrapped both hands around Gaddes’ growing erection, licking the tip, rolling it against his tongue, breathing heavily over the wet skin. ‘I love how you taste…’ He drew the swollen head into his mouth, sucking hard, pushing his tongue-tip in under the foreskin and moving it in a circle. Gaddes bit his lip, struggling not to cry out as Allen took him deeper, pumping his tongue up and down the underside of his shaft, before returning his attention to the head and probing the narrow slit at the centre, drawing sharp whimpers of delight from his throat.

‘Lie back,’ Allen murmured, gently lifting Gaddes’ thighs over his shoulders, tilting his body, raising his hips. With rough boards under his back, dust tickling his eyes and nose,  Gaddes felt Allen’s tongue softly lapping his balls, seeking the firmness inside the tender sac of skin; felt him carefully, delicately take them in his mouth and suck. He had to stuff his gloved fist into his mouth as a gag, terrified that someone outside would hear him cry. The pleasure he was feeling bordered on pain; he was so sensitive there that he almost couldn’t bear Allen’s caresses. It made his eyes water; waves of goosebumps chased each other over his skin.

Releasing his lover’s balls, Allen began to lick lower, somewhat to Gaddes’ surprise; he didn’t often explore that area. As he felt a warm, wet trickle run over the tight opening, he understood that he was being prepared, lubricated. Allen’s tongue bathed and probed him, pushing in deep, deeper, guiding his muscles to relax. With his tongue as far inside as it could go, he softly moaned, sending a strange, sweet vibration into Gaddes’ body, making him squirm.

‘I need you to move a little bit backwards so I can get up there with you… that’s good… are you ready?’ The boards creaked and rattled as he edged into position on his knees.

‘Mm…’

‘You feel ready. You feel like wet silk. Do you want another finger? Or just the alicorn?’

‘Ally…’

‘All right…’ He eased himself in, holding his breath, pushing Gaddes’ legs up and away from him as he leaned forward, gazing down at his flushed face. ‘Is that good?’

‘Ohh… hhh… yes, yes, that’s good.’ Reaching up, he caught a handful of Allen’s hair and drew him down for a kiss, their bodies rocking together.

‘Don’t pull my hair…’

‘But it’s so handy this way.’ He twisted the shining lock between his fingers.

‘You don’t need to hold me down here.’ As he drew his hips back and drove himself in again, Allen kissed Gaddes softly, deeply, a wet, sucking kiss, the motion of his tongue mimicking his long, smooth thrusts before settling to a delicate spiral, teasing his lips. Unintentionally, convulsively, Gaddes’ fingers clenched in his hair; he felt silky strands falling in his face, tickling, a whisper-soft counterpoint to the hot, pounding pleasure inside him. Reaching down, his free hand met Allen’s, moving to hold him, stroke him, bring him closer and closer to his climax.

‘Allen… oh God… please, harder…’ Clatter of boards, warm, sweating skin pressing and sliding against his, Allen’s gusty breathing and seraphic face hovering above him, his thick, hard cock surging deep inside, his own throbbing in their hands’ embrace, delicious tension mounting higher and higher; he realised he was about to come just in time to catch the milky spurt in his palm, rather than letting it spatter his tunic. For a moment, he felt close to fainting, only distantly aware of Allen’s panting quickening to an explosive gasp; Allen’s body strained against his for a moment before collapsing, limp and relaxed. They lay still, breathing deeply, the air inside the shed stifling hot, their warmth on top of a summer afternoon’s.

‘Perfect…’ Allen whispered weakly. ‘That was just perfect.’

‘How do we do it?’

‘Well, we mostly start by kissing, and then…’ The end of the sentence got lost in a muffled giggle as Gaddes bearhugged him with a mock growl. ‘I think we’re just exactly the right people for each other.’

‘I like that idea.’

‘So do I.’ A warm kiss.

‘Oh dear.’ Allen carefully pulled away and rolled over. ‘We’d probably better tidy up and go back before everyone starts to wonder where we are and what we’re doing… I need something to wipe with. I wonder if I can find my handkerchief – for that matter, if I can find my pockets.’ He started to fumble with the trousers webbed around his ankles.

‘Don’t bother – take this.’ Gaddes ripped a piece of linen from his shirt-tail and passed it over. ‘I suppose I can lick my glove clean.’

‘Or I can lick it for you,’ Allen said, smiling. ‘Why didn’t you take your gloves off? At least I managed that.’

‘I dunno. Caught up by passion.’ He peeled off the glove and offered it to Allen. ‘Ow – your knees are all grazed.’

‘I know. These boards are not my friends. Could you be very kind and check for splinters?’

‘First love-making, then first-aid,’ Gaddes mumbled, inspecting the injured knees. ‘Here’s one. Hang on. I’ll need to find my pockets to get my pocket-knife.’

‘What for?’ Allen asked nervously.

‘It’s got tweezers in the handle. Don’t panic. I wasn’t going to hack it out.’ Hanging over the edge of the stack of lumber, he clawed his pants up from the ground and managed to find the knife. ‘There we go… that’s got it. Poor little knee.’ He held up the splinter so Allen could see.

‘Poor little me,’ Allen agreed. He looked with some distaste at the crumpled rag in his hand. ‘I don’t know what to do with this.’

‘Just wad it down the side of the woodpile. Ten to one no-one’ll ever find it.’

‘It feels very illicit, hiding evidence of our coupling like this. I think this was rather a violation of our rules of diplomacy, don’t you?’

‘I thought it was a violation of me,’ Gaddes said, grinning. ‘I think we can let it slip this once. After all, we really needed to. I know I feel better.’ He pulled up his undershorts. ‘I’m going to be walking down the street looking at everyone else and thinking “I just got laid and you didn’t.” I won’t be able to get the smile off my face for hours.’

‘I think we should go back separately.’

‘Yeah, to be sneaky. We need a cover story, too.’

‘We had a heated altercation but made it up – isn’t that all we need say?’

‘A heated altercation. I like that.’

‘Shall I go back first… and apologise to your friend?’

‘That would be really great.’ He leaned over and kissed Allen’s cheek as he buttoned his pants.

‘And while you’re walking around smiling inanely I’ll be wincing every time my trouser-legs touch my poor sore knees,’ Allen sighed.

‘Poor baby. Do you want me to rip some more bits off my shirt to make you bandages?’

‘You don’t have to…’

‘No, here, I owe it to you. It won’t show.’ He tore a strip and bound it around Allen’s right knee. ‘Better?’

‘You are such a kind, kind man,’ Allen murmured, toying with a strand of Gaddes’ dark hair.

‘Today I’ve babysat a little girl, assisted a lady in distress and bound your wounds. I ought to get some sort of testimonial from a grateful public.’

‘Perhaps before nightfall you can slay a dragon or pull a baby out of a well or something.’

‘We’ll see!’


	16. Chapter 16

Gaddes wandered among market stalls, feeling stupidly happy. He kept getting little twingeing leg cramps from that ridiculous if delightful position and his rectum felt as if it had a rugburn (a shame neither of them had been capable of remembering that some proper lubricant was right there in his pants pocket), but even these minor discomforts added to his happiness as vivid reminders of the cause of the smile he couldn’t get off his face.

I know it’s dumb, but even a breach of diplomacy is great because it proves he loves me enough to take that risk. We’re going to get our asses kicked that way one of these days. But today I got my ass pounded so I’m happy. Does my brain work at all? He paused to make monkey faces at a baby whose stallholder mother had taken the very sensible measure of sitting him up on the counter of her handcraft stall and tying him with a scarf to one of its awning supports. He had the entertainment of the passing crowd, and he couldn’t crawl off or fall off while she was busy with customers. He regarded the monkey faces with the disdainful expression of a dowager duchess who is not amused, and to Gaddes’ immense amusement, made a perfect ‘you may go’ wave-away gesture with one pudgy hand. As he turned away, laughing, he saw something which abruptly made his blood feel like iced water. The next moment it was gone, and he was not even sure he had really seen it; but it had looked like Nichol, Nichol’s back, walking away among the crowd in the street.

It wouldn’t be. No. He wouldn’t be walking around here bold as brass. Lots of people look like Nichol. I have to have imagined it. God, what a shitty thing to pop into my head right now, when I’m so stoked. He shook himself like a dog coming out of water, trying to shake off the cold, sickly feeling of alarm. It ought to have been long enough now. I’m going back to the pub.

On his way he bumped into Lillee, looking cheerful.

‘Did everything go all right?’ he asked, adding in an undertone, as he put a hand on her elbow and turned her towards the house beside them, so that a blank wall had the best chance of overhearing them, ‘Did he apologise like I asked him to?’

‘Very handsomely,’ Lillee affirmed, matching his discreet tone. ‘I never had anyone go down on one knee to apologise to me before. For a second there I thought he was proposing marriage. But I suppose he’s married to you.’ She grinned and gave him a poke in the shoulder. ‘I’m just off on my shopping mission for you. You can fork out the cash when I get back. Just wait for me at the pub, I won’t take too long. When are you lot heading back?’

‘About four, I think,’ Gaddes said. ‘So we can get the night patrols off to a normal start. Plenty of time.’

‘You should go and get a haircut,’ she said. ‘A proper one. Spiff yourself up a bit. And get something else to wear, for heaven’s sake. Every time I see you you’re in those trousers.’

‘Why?’ he asked, a little wounded. ‘I’m a sergeant, not a peacock.’

‘I mean give yourself a treat,’ she said. ‘All gay boys love shopping.’

‘Don’t say that so bloody loud. And who says we do? I’m not interested in shopping.’ He paused. ‘I’m going to get new pants, but only because you’ve reminded me that my spare pair are on their last legs.’

‘I suppose you should be wearing uniform trousers, anyway. From the fort stores.’

‘We get sent all the stuff more respectable outfits don’t want. There was a pair of shorts last year that had three legs. The reason we all look so scruffy most of the time is that we’re lucky to get anything we can actually wear. Well, that and we’re pretty slack about uniform. Even Allen doesn’t care what we wear as long as we’re fully dressed and don’t smell too bad.’

‘He looks like the type who enjoys shopping.’

‘Cut it out, Lil,’ he said warningly, trying not to laugh.

‘Running around one of those big Pallas department stores uttering little squeals of enthusiasm.’ She grinned at him unrepentantly. ‘I’d better get going.’

‘Yeah, you’d better, Miss Saucebox.’ He sent her on her way with a swat across the backside, then pushed a hand thoughtfully through his hair. It probably was getting a bit straggly, and the town barber probably actually knew what he was doing, as opposed to the haphazard trim he could give himself at home. (He had had one haircut from Kio when he first arrived and sworn never again; it wasn’t that he was vain, just that he didn’t enjoy looking like a toilet brush.) All right then. Hair, pants, then pub.

When he eventually rejoined the others, looking considerably more spruce than was his custom and with a parcel of clothes under his arm, he found them cheerful and rowdy, and Allen somewhat tiddled.

Sometimes I forget he’s only seventeen but when he drinks I definitely remember.

‘Gaddes! Hallo, Gaddes! It’s Gaddes, everyone!’ Allen popped up from his seat and waved at him as he approached the tables occupied by Castelo.

‘Are you all right, Boss?’

‘I’m lovely. Don’t you look smart! Your trousers are new! Sit next to me.’ Beaming, he scooted over on the bench and slapped the clear space with one hand.

‘I see you’re violently cheerful,’ Gaddes observed, sitting down.

‘You smell nice! What’s made you smell nice?’

‘The barber gave me a shave and sloshed cologne on me. I believe I’m supposed to smell like sandalwood.’

‘I’m so glad I don’t have to wear sandals made of wood. They sound terribly uncomfortable. And clogs. Clogs are horrible. Why do you think anyone invented clogs?’

‘Penance, possibly? Oruto, how many has he had?’

‘I don’t know. You’re his bender babysitter,’ Oruto replied.

‘He’s very good at that,’ Allen said perkily. ‘Last time I got drunk he put me to bed and everything.’

‘I’m sure no-one wants to hear about that,’ Gaddes said quickly, inadvertently sounding rather prim. He was afraid that whatever he had drunk had loosened Allen’s tongue sufficiently for him to breach diplomacy again, more dangerously. He’s unbelievably cute when he’s tipsy. He’s probably had spirits, that’s the problem. He’s fine with wine but he always overestimates his capacity for spirits.

‘Guess what? I like gin now!’ Allen said brightly, removing all doubt. ‘And it is very, very good for you to drink gin and tonic because the tonic water contains quinine which protects you from malaria!’

‘Oh? Good. Jolly good. So it’s practically medicinal, then?’

‘Exactly! You always understand.’ He plunked his head down on Gaddes’ shoulder. ‘You’re my very best friend.’

‘I’ve always thought that the point at which you start telling me I’m your bestest friend is the point where you’ve had enough,’ Gaddes said, gently shrugging him off.

‘Wanting to save me from making a twit of myself is just more proof that you’re a good friend,’ Allen said, a little more sensibly, sitting up and passing a hand through his hair. ‘I shouldn’t drink in public, should I? I’m making as much of an exhibition of myself as you were with Miss Lillee.’

‘Only without as much shouting and profanity.’

‘She’s really an awfully nice girl,’ Allen said.

‘That’s what I told you.’ Gaddes looked at him appraisingly. ‘I’m just wondering how much I can sober you up before we’ve got to ride home.’

‘I’m unsoberuppable,’ Allen said, and grinned cheekily, poking his tongue out between his teeth.

‘I don’t know, maybe if I stuck your head under the pump outside and gave you a good soaking…’

‘You’d do that to your commanding officer? Fie for shame! Fie, I say! What does fie mean?’

‘It’s the bit between yer knee and yer ‘ip,’ Gaddes said, pointing.

‘That is not your real accent, bad man.’

‘Verray true. Zis ees. I ‘ave deesgahsed eet from you all alang.’

‘Idiot, I can’t even tell what accent that is,’ Allen said, laughing and punching him in the shoulder.

‘Seriously, you going to be all right for the ride back? We might meet some uglies on the way.’

‘Oh, I know – why, I’ve heard there are big bad wolves in the deep dark forest.’ Allen shook back his hair and smiled peaceably. ‘Don’t worry, Gaddes. I’ll be fine. I won’t fall off my horse or anything.’

By the time they were preparing to set off, he seemed to have recovered considerably, and Gaddes’ worries were allayed. They mustered in the square, and in the confusion of men and horses and baggage (shopping seemed to be popular whether people were ‘gay’ or not), he didn’t notice Lillee until she tiptoed up behind him and draped her arms around his neck.

‘Oh, are you leaving already?’ she lamented. ‘When will I see you again, my big strong sergeant and God of Fffffffffffff-freebies?’

‘You’ll see me when you see me,’ he said cheerfully, reaching back and grabbing a handful of her skirt so he could swing her around in front of him. ‘Watch out. I might take you by surprise.’

‘You’re a very bad man.’

‘That’s what they tell me.’ Ducking his head, he whispered ‘Did you find what I asked for?’

‘Of course I did.’ She pulled a paper-wrapped package out of her shoulder bag and pushed it against his chest. ‘So gimme my money. Twenty bob all up.’

‘You’re kidding. That’s with a freebie?’

‘Silk isn’t cheap, Sam.’

‘All right… I think I’ve got enough…’ He dug in his pockets and managed to produce the desired sum, although it meant pooling together a lot of his smallest change. ‘There, you mercenary hussy.’

‘A girl’s got to make ends meet,’ she said, stowing the coins away and slinging her arms around his neck again. ‘Now, are you going to kiss me good-bye?’

‘What, here?’ he asked, startled and embarrassed.

‘If we go back to my room you pay again.’

‘Okay, okay.’ He ducked his head again and dotted a kiss on her cheek.

‘I’m not your mother, Sam. Kiss me like you mean it.’ She planted her lips firmly on his and held him there. He felt hideously awkward; it was the first time he had kissed a woman, apart from, obviously, his mother and suchlike female relatives, and it felt very peculiar; the waxy-slick texture of her lipstick put him off somehow. He did his best to pretend that he was kissing Allen, but Allen simply did not feel like this. He heard cheers and whistles, and realised they’d been noticed. Aargh. Finally, she let him go, and laughed at the look on his face.

‘You’re wearing most of my lipstick, Sam,’ she said cheerfully as she pulled away. ‘Wipe your mouth!’ With that she turned and strutted away, blowing kisses as she went. Clutching the brown-paper package, which felt very soft and insubstantial, Gaddes scrubbed at his mouth with the back of his gloved hand. I am not cut out for girl-kissing. That settles that. He looked up and saw Allen sitting astride his horse, gazing down at him with a rather sardonic expression, one eyebrow raised.

‘Shall I find you a stick to beat the women off with?’ he asked.

‘Nah, just lend me yours when you’re not using it.’ He pushed the package into his saddlebag and swung himself up on horseback.

‘Shall we be going?’

‘I think we shall.’

 

About two thirds of the way back to Castelo, Allen guided his horse over close to Gaddes’, to speak to him quietly. ‘Have you been noticing the whistles too?’ he asked.

‘Yeah. Like bird-calls, but not quite like. I think someone’s talking about us.’

‘I’ve seen a few movements in the trees, too. They’re good at concealment, but they give themselves away a little.’

‘We’ll be ready,’ Gaddes said. Over his shoulder, he made a gesture that they had established as a warning to the men to be on their guard, hopefully without tipping anyone else off that they were aware of their enemies. The signal would be passed back along the line of soldiers, unobtrusively.

‘Are you sober now?’ he asked Allen conversationally.

‘As a judge,’ Allen said, nodding with assurance.

‘Good-oh.’

‘Ready for anything.’ They both paused and looked to the treeline.

‘If they had any sense of drama,’ Allen complained, in a low voice, ‘they would have taken that as their cue.’

‘Yeah, and shouted something like “Are ya ready for this?” as they swarmed out at us,’ Gaddes added.

‘Standards are declining all over.’

‘We’re a pair of intolerable smartarses.’

‘You see what I mean?’

At this point, they found themselves surrounded by armed men, without any more fanfare than the rustling of parting foliage. Allen reined in his horse.

‘Oh good,’ he said brightly, ‘you’re here. Surrender peacefully and you’ll be well treated. Put up a fight and we’ll make you feel a pain where you never had an ache. I warn you, I’ve spent quite a pleasant day so far and I have no intention of letting you spoil it.’

‘Yeah?’ said a thick-set man in grey. Without deigning to participate in further banter, he gave a sharp jerk of his head and the bandits closed in.

It was a confused, unpleasant battle, with both sides hampered by the narrowness of the trail and cleared area around it. The bandits’ strategy was clearly to reduce the advantage of the mounted soldiers as quickly as possible, attacking their horses’ legs and attempting to dismount them by all means available. Some were pulled from the saddle by lassos dropped over their heads and shoulders, and set at a serious disadvantage by the restriction of their arms. Gaddes was one of these unlucky ones, but fortune reversed itself as the noose slipped and he was able to shrug it off. His horse had already been borne away by the jostling of others; he scrambled to his feet and prepared to defend himself. After that, there was very little time for thought; everything was an automatic reaction to being attacked, punches, slashes, kicks and stabs. To his surprise and relief, his horse, half-panicked, came back within reach, unharmed except for a few cuts on its flanks, and he swung back up to the saddle and got his first decent look at what was going on. By now Castelo’s men were just mopping up; he felt rather proud of how they’d managed when he was unable to direct them. Then again, it had been basically a brawl, and brawling was what most of them knew. Allen was, as he would expect, where the fighting was still thickest. No decision necessary; he rode to help him.

Before long, it was over, and the post-battle reckoning up of injuries and prisoners taken had to be dealt with. Happily, no-one from Castelo had fallen, although three or four men were quite seriously hurt. A few horses had run off or been souvenired by fleeing bandits; Oruto, who had not been so much as scratched in the fight, was complaining bitterly about the loss of his shopping.

The prisoners were bound together in single file, each with his hands fastened to the waist of the man in front. Gaddes was assigned to bring up the rear, on foot as he had given up his horse to Katz, who had probably broken his ankle falling off his own; it was badly swollen and wouldn’t bear his weight. Eventually they resumed their passage home. Gaddes walked with his sword drawn, alert to the possibility of a rescue attempt by the escapers.

‘Are you going to keep pretending you don’t know me?’

At last he turned his head to look directly at the last prisoner in line. He had been avoiding it for as long as possible. Nichol was not a pretty sight in any case, with a black eye that was swollen closed and a split lip that made him mumble. Gaddes wondered vaguely if he could find the man responsible and shake his hand.

‘You were in town today,’ he said neutrally. ‘I didn’t say hello then. You expect it now?’

‘Didn’t know you saw me,’ Nichol said, with an attempt at a smile that he had to abandon as his lip started to bleed again. ‘Would’ve said hi, but you know how it is, secrecy and all.’

‘Are you trying to sound friendly? It won’t get you anywhere. I’m gladder to see you bound and beaten than I ever was to see you before.’

‘Cut me loose, Sam.’

‘No.’

‘After everything I’ve been to you, you won’t cut me loose?’

Gaddes stared at him for a moment, exasperated and astonished. ‘Think a bit about what you’ve been to me. You wrecked my life. The fact that I’ve got it back in order is no thanks to you. You’re going in the cooler, and then you’re going to court. Jail next. Or maybe hanging; it’s up to the judge.’

‘You can’t let me go to jail, Sam. You can’t let them hang me. I wasn’t born to hang.’

‘That’s a matter of opinion,’ Gaddes muttered, turning away to scan the bushes.

‘No-one’ll see if you do. Away at the back here.’

‘I don’t want to, Nichol. Just shut up.’

‘I’ll make it worth your while.’

‘I’ve got everything I want.’

‘How can you, out here?’ Nichol stared at him disbelievingly. ‘You’ve got nothing. You are nothing. You’re under the thumb of a lacy prettyboy. Come with me, Sam. It’ll be like old times. We can live like kings.’

‘Kings in caves and holes? Right. The idea of sleeping rough in the swamp with you for company is really attractive, Nic. I’m not a boy you can impress any more. I’m a man, I have a job I want to do, and I have some pride.’

‘Who got to you? I thought you had more brains than that.’ Nichol sounded disgusted. ‘You’ve really got that much of a crush on blondie? You must’ve heard the rumours about him. You respect a man who knocks women up and leaves them?’

‘You just have no idea who you really are, do you?’ Gaddes said. ‘I’m actually quite impressed by how far your idea of the world is from what the rest of us call reality. Yeah, I respect him. There are rumours about me too. He has the decency to ignore them. You can’t talk me into anything. You have nothing over me any more.’

‘I could tell him all about you.’

‘And he could laugh in your face. You tried that last time we met you, if you can remember, you fool.’

Obviously Nichol had, at least temporarily, forgotten that incident. His face darkened as he recalled it.

‘You’re a faithless little bitch,’ he muttered.

‘You never kept faith with me, pal.’ Gaddes spoke lightly; he refused to let Nichol see any disturbance in his mood. ‘Now shut up.’

To his relief, Nichol made no further attempts at conversation; he merely glowered at the back of the man he was following. Soon Castelo was in sight. The tension Gaddes felt , the worried tautness of his back and shoulders, did not really ease until he had seen the cooler door locked and the key turned. Comfortable ordinariness seemed to return to the world; he was able to do things like going in search of his horse, unloading his saddlebags, sending a messenger to bring a bonesetter for Katz and announce the attack and capture in town. Finally he reported to Allen that all was well, under control.

‘And you’re all right, are you?’ Allen said, looking up from the report he was writing out at his desk. ‘I saw you unhorsed but I couldn’t get to you.’

‘I was fine. Kicked some arse,’ Gaddes said cheerfully, sitting down on the bed.

‘I thought you did,’ Allen said, smiling to himself as he finished and signed the paper. ‘And… were you all right when you saw who we captured?’ He looked up, more serious now.

‘I was fine,’ Gaddes said, crossing his legs jauntily. ‘The best part was seeing him where he belongs, finally. I don’t want to think about him any more tonight. I’d rather think about what I’m going to do to you after dinner.’

Allen bit his lip, looking worried. ‘Are you sure?’ he asked.

‘Sure I’m sure. I want to repay you for the fun we had in that woodshed.’

‘I mean, are you sure you’re fine, and you don’t want to talk about it or anything?’

‘As sure as I can be, Ally. I’ve had a great day, all up. That bastard going in the lock-up was just the icing on the cake.’

‘As long as you’re really sure,’ Allen said, twiddling his pen between his fingers uncertainly.

‘I’m really, really sure. Cheer up, love. I’ll have a surprise for you after dinner.’

‘Really? What?’

‘If I tell you now, it won’t be a surprise after dinner.’ He smiled teasingly, making Allen laugh.

‘Come on. Really. Give me a hint. Give me just a little hint.’ He got up from his desk and came over, giving Gaddes a playful nudge.

‘No!’

‘I want a hint.’ He pouted, ridiculously, like a spoilt little boy.

‘What a face!’

‘If you give me a hint, I’ll do something nice…’ He sat down in Gaddes’ lap, twining an arm around his shoulders.

‘All right.’

‘All right?’ Allen leaned closer, brushing Gaddes’ lips with a whisper of a kiss.

‘It’s something nice.’

‘You’re horrible,’ Allen said, snorting with laughter and pushing him over on his back, nipping at his lips, licking them, then taking them in a deep, searching kiss. ‘I have ways of making you talk.’

‘Oh no you don’t.’

‘Oh yes I do.’ He launched a tickle-attack, going for the spots at the waist and under the arms where he knew Gaddes was most vulnerable.

‘Ack! Stop it! That’s a way to make me piss myself!’

‘Tell me!’

‘No! Somebody save me!’ It was delicious to wrestle with Allen, to feel his slender, strong body squirming and pushing against his own, to grab at his hips, rump, thighs, sneak in kisses, finally roll and pin him, thrusting his tongue into the wet warmth of his mouth as they found a rhythm together, rocking and rubbing through rough layers of clothing, striving for quick release, a breathless rush for both.

‘You’re just awful,’ Allen whispered, stroking Gaddes’ hair back from his forehead. ‘Now I’ll have to change my pants before dinner.’

‘Mm… me too… good thing I bought new ones.’

‘I would like you to get some very tight black velvet pants. Ones that hug your bottom and your thighs. Ones that I could just peel off you.’ He kissed the side of Gaddes’ neck, licking away a drop of sweat. ‘Is that my surprise?’

‘No, honey… my budget won’t stretch to black velvet pants.’

‘I’ll buy you a pair some other time, then. Mm… I want to dress you in black velvet pants and a black silk shirt.’

‘I’ll give you a clue… it’s something to wear… but something for you to wear.’

‘Is it velvet? Is it silk? Is it leather?’

‘No more clues! Go and change your pants.’ Leather!? Good God! That takes me into new daydream territory. He sent Allen off with a swat across his bottom and hurried away to change himself, trying to dispel the mental images he suddenly had of Allen in slick black leather or soft tawny buckskin. It was going to be a bit of a trial waiting through dinner.

It was worse than he’d thought; everyone wanted to celebrate victory with drinks and singing and bragging. I should’ve seen that coming. He went for diplomacy and blokishness with all his might, the only relief lay in seeing that Allen was getting wonderfully tipsy again. After standing up on a table to sing ‘Clementine,’ he simply fell off, trusting Gaddes to catch him, which he only just managed to do. This inspired a new game in which people climbed up on the table and jumped off to be caught by a mob of others; Gaddes just concentrated on dragging Allen clear and dusting him off.

‘I rather think,’ said Allen, giggling and wiping his eyes, ‘I’m ready to be put to bed.’

‘You’re the old original one-pot squealer, you know that?’ Gaddes helped him to his feet.

‘I kissed her little sister and forgot my Clementine,’ Allen sang. ‘Unfortunately, her little sister isn’t old enough to be kissed yet. Tragic really.’ He lurched up against Gaddes, apparently losing his footing, and whispered ‘Will you help me forget my Clementine?’

‘Control yourself,’ Gaddes muttered, trying not to show what a thrill that whisper gave him. ‘I’m just putting him to bed,’ he called out, to whom it might concern, and was completely ignored.

‘You worry too much,’ Allen said, hooking an arm around his waist and pulling him towards the stairs.

‘When you’re drunk, you don’t worry enough.’ He suppressed a hiccup as they negotiated the staircase. ‘I’m a little buzzed myself, but do you catch me groping you?’

‘That wasn’t groping you, this is groping you,’ Allen said, pushing his hand between Gaddes’ thighs and grabbing at him.

‘Shit, Allen! Watch out!’

‘No-one can see us. We’re round the corner.’

‘Yeah, but you’ll bruise my plums.’

‘Big red plums,’ Allen said, giggling and falling against him unexpectedly so that they both staggered into the wall. ‘Sweet juicy plums… can I nibble them?’

‘Good God, no. A little gentle sucking is the most I can manage down there.’

‘Mmm…’ Allen leaned heavily against him and kissed his mouth, sucking at his lower lip. ‘Salty plums, I should’ve said,’ he added as he drew back, breathing heavily. ‘Give me a taste?’

‘Not till we’re in your room. And you’ve forgotten… I have a surprise for you.’

‘Oh! Surprise! Yay!’ Allen leapt away and dived through the door to his room. A moment later he popped his head out. ‘Do you have it with you?’

‘No,’ said Gaddes, trying not to laugh at him, ‘I’m just going to get it out of my room. Go and lie down before you hurt yourself.’

‘I might lie down with no clothes on,’ Allen half-sang as he disappeared again.

‘I’m so lucky to be in love with someone mental,’ Gaddes murmured, shaking his head and chuckling softly to himself as he went to get Lillee’s parcel.

Allen had fulfilled his threat/promise/whatever; he was lying naked on top of the bedcovers, playing with his hair with one hand and his cock with the other. He gave Gaddes a sweet little aren’t-I-naughty smile as he came in, twitching a lock of hair to tickle his lips.

‘You’ve started without me,’ Gaddes said, pretending to be disappointed. He kicked the door shut with a feeling of freedom at last.

‘I’ll be good,’ Allen said, snatching his hands away and putting them behind his head.

‘Oh, come off it… I know you… you’re so bad.’ Gaddes threw the parcel to the end of the bed and climbed on, straddling Allen’s body, kissing his lips, then nuzzling his way down over his throat and chest.

‘Do you still love me?’ Allen murmured, propping himself up on his elbows a little to watch him.

‘I still love you,’ Gaddes answered, shifting further down and wrapping a gentle hand around the stiffening rosy shaft.

‘How much?’

‘This much.’ He flicked the tip of his tongue against the swollen head, feeling the whole thing twitch and thicken at the stimulation.

‘Ohh… only that much?’

‘This much.’ He parted his lips and kissed the head, rolling his tongue against it, softly sucking, opening his mouth wider to take it in with a moan. Allen’s whole body responded; he drew his legs up sharply, gasping, as his hands reached down to stroke Gaddes’ hair. He kept his eyes fixed on Gaddes’, the sustained contact seeming to deepen the intensity of feeling for both of them.

My sweet boy, mouth open, rosy lips, rocking his hips while I suck him, those burning blue eyes!

‘Love me… love me…’ Allen breathed.

‘Mm…’ He spared a hand to stroke Allen’s thighs, then ventured up between them to tickle under his balls.

‘Oh God – yes – go there…’ Allen squirmed, spreading his legs wider, quivering with delight as Gaddes’ fingers found the taut inch of skin they sought, and pressed, and stroked. He lost control as the tip of a forefinger grazed the tight opening, the anticipation of pleasure to come tipping him over the edge, filling Gaddes’ mouth with salt as a burning pulse of joy convulsed him.

‘You wanted that, didn’t you?’ Gaddes murmured, drawing back and licking him clean.

‘I can never seem to last very long when you use your mouth like that,’ Allen said, smiling weakly. ‘And when you use your mouth and your fingers I’m helpless.’ He wriggled his hips a little, enjoying the backrush of tingling warmth. ‘You know I want lots more, don’t you? I want that feeling where it’s like you’ve taken me apart and rubbed every bit till it shines, and put me back together. And I don’t know who or what or where I am and I don’t give a damn because whoever I am, I’m so happy!’

‘I’ll try,’ Gaddes promised, sitting up and pushing his fingers through his hair. ‘Just don’t forget you’re my sweet little love.’

‘I never forget that.’ He gave Gaddes a little shove with his knee. ‘You went and distracted me from your surprise. At least I hope you did, because you going down on me is not the surprise it once was.’

‘No, I have a real surprise for you. Close your eyes.’

‘Mm…’ Allen closed them and elaborately laid his hands over them, smiling expectantly.

‘No peeping.’

‘I promise.’ He wriggled again, making Gaddes laugh at his cuteness.

‘You’re such a daft little darling.’

‘Less talking, more surprising. I can hear you rustling paper.’

‘Yes, I’m unwrapping it.’

‘Is it nice, or awful?’

‘A bit of both.’

‘Best of both worlds.’

Gaddes flattened out the paper and got his first good look at what Lillee had bought. He was no judge of ladies’ underwear but it all looked very pretty; rose and lemon and periwinkle silk, and one pair of softest white cotton, broderie anglaise, with lace at the edges, like something a bride would wear for her wedding night. He still wasn’t sure it did anything in particular for him, but when it was a treat for Allen it was his response that mattered. He chose the rosy-pink ones, embroidered with butterflies – that must be some kind of fashion now, he supposed – and turned to lay them gently over Allen’s lap, spreading them out to cover everything they would if he was wearing them properly. Allen breathed in softly at the touch of the cool silk.

‘Can I look?’ he asked.

‘Nearly,’ Gaddes said, tugging the – what would you call it on ladies’ underwear, crotch wasn’t a very feminine word – anyway, the between-the-legs bit down a little lower. ‘Now you may look,’ he said.

Allen opened his eyes, looked down, gasped in astonishment and began to laugh hysterically.

‘Gaddes, you’re awful! You’re so awful!’

‘Aw, don’t you like ‘em?’

‘I love them! I never thought you’d get something like this for me! Oh, look at the little flutterbies – I mean butterflies – I’m putting these on right now!’ He grabbed Gaddes in a hug and gave him a smacking kiss on the cheek before jumping off the bed. ‘And you get your clothes off right now. I won’t have you sitting there respectably dressed while I run around in little pink panties.’

‘There’s blue and yellow and white, too. If you want to ring the changes.’

‘Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness! I can wear a different pair every day!’

‘You’re going to wear these in the day?’ Gaddes asked, pulling his shirt off over his head.

‘Sometimes. To give myself a treat.’

‘Oh boy. You’re going to be interesting on those days!’ He pulled down his trousers and glanced up at Allen, who was stepping into the panties very slowly and almost reverently. I really shouldn’t laugh at him but he’s so funny about this. And so sweet…

‘They feel really strange going on,’ Allen murmured. ‘I’ve never worn underwear this, um, this tight… it’s always been shorts before…’ He eased the waistband up over his rear, and carefully arranged himself in the front. ‘I’m all bundled up,’ he said, more to himself than to Gaddes.

‘Oh, wow,’ said Gaddes softly.

‘What?’ Allen looked at him over his shoulder.

‘Jeez… I didn’t realise I was going to feel like this about it till I saw you in them.’

‘Do you like me this way?’ A shy smile.

‘I can’t believe how much I like you. Do you know how hot you look?’

‘No,’ Allen said, pulling a discontented face. ‘The mirror’s too small for me to see myself below the shoulders.’ He strained up on his tiptoes and tried leaning back. ‘Useless thing. Maybe if I stand on a stool.’

‘Just come here, sweetie. Let me see you closer.’ Sitting on the edge of the bed in his own, rather unglamorous underwear, he beckoned to Allen. Still with that sweet, shy smile, Allen came over and stood before him, between his parted thighs.

‘They feel nice when I walk, too,’ he said. ‘Although they do have a bit of a tendency to go up my bum.’ He reached back and tugged them loose, looking awkward for a moment. ‘Like you,’ he added, giving Gaddes a cheeky little grin.

Silently, Gaddes reached out, placing both hands on Allen’s hips, gently passing them over the silk, down to his thighs. He knew he was staring, and he was embarrassed, but he couldn’t help it.

‘What is it that you like?’ Allen whispered, resting his hands on Gaddes’ shoulders.

‘I think… I think the way they let me see shapes, but no details… the outlines of your body… this sweet pink-silk bulge…’ He slid his hand up the inside of Allen’s thigh, letting it come to rest softly cupped, feeling the warm weight of what it held.

‘Mm…’ Allen closed his eyes, breathing in deeply. Gaddes slipped the fingers of his other hand under the elastic of the legline, gently moving around and back until his whole hand was under the silk, cupped around Allen’s buttock.

‘I hope there’s some stretch in them,’ Gaddes whispered, leaning his forehead against Allen’s stomach.

‘I don’t know,’ Allen murmured. ‘I might be going to pop right out.’ He let his arms rest on Gaddes’ shoulders, hands stroking his back, feeling the warm moist flutter of his breathing against his stomach. He felt more beautiful than he ever had; his pulse was thumping and the pleasant drunken dizziness seemed to increase with each breath. Gaddes nuzzled against the slight lower curve of his belly, finding his way blind, tracing a path with his lips to the trace of red-gold curls just visible above the waistband.

‘I love you,’ he whispered, licking Allen’s stomach, nudging the tip of his tongue under the elastic and sweeping it from side to side. Withdrawing his tongue, he rubbed his cheekbone against the hardness building behind the silk, then licked again, giving Allen a strange caress of warmth and dampness without direct contact. The silk was straining now, inadequate to contain his erection.

‘Oh…’ Allen felt him begin to tug down the waistband. ‘No…’

‘No?’

‘I want to keep them on.’

‘Can’t I just pull them down in the front?’

‘Let me out at the side. Tug the gusset over.’

‘Gusset? That’s the word for this bit? Not much of an improvement on crotch.’ He released Allen’s cock, pulling the fabric to one side, tucking his finger in so the elastic wouldn’t snap back on him. He began licking from the base as his free hand squeezed the tip, then impulsively moved down to kiss Allen’s balls, easing them out from behind the silk.

‘Oh Lord…’ Allen’s thighs began to shake; his knees felt weak and ready to buckle.

‘Come on and lie down.’ Gaddes guided him onto the bed; he lay on his side, one leg raised and draped over Gaddes’ shoulder, as he nuzzled in between his thighs, giving little wet kisses to his balls, wetting the silk as well as his skin.

‘Oh God…’ Allen dug his nails into the mattress, feeling a finger nudge in under the elastic, probing between his buttocks, rubbing over the puckered opening, gently spreading it, while Gaddes’ mouth swallowed up the tingling sac. So that the elastic would give more over that area, he had let Allen’s penis slip back inside; it was straining hard against the silk, its oily secretions making a wet patch where the head pushed blindly outward. Gaddes began to hum softly as he sucked, rolling Allen’s balls over his tongue. If he had felt helpless before, that was nothing to this; he could only lie and tremble, clutching at himself through damp silk, his cheeks wet too as his eyes watered with the sheer intensity of the pleasure. That gently invading finger found his most vulnerable spot, pressed it and stroked it; fire stabbed up his spine, making his back arch sharply. He lost track of time; it seemed to go on forever, taking him to the edge of pain but never quite making him feel its sharpness. When he came, squeezing Gaddes’ head between his thighs, he felt a faint weak flutter of relief that it would end now; any feeling so strong was hard to bear. He was flying, floating, wrapped in a cloud of whipped cream and candied rose petals, absolute luxurious sweetness. Gaddes released him, slowly, with many kisses, tucking his wet balls gently back inside the panties, guiding the elastic back into contact with his skin so that when he released it there would be no painful snap.

‘Was that pretty good?’ he asked casually, lifting his head..

Allen nodded, exhausted.

‘Look where it’s come thrugh the silk,’ Gaddes said, touching the white blobs that had oozed through the fine weave. ‘You’ll need to wash these.’ He bent again to lick the mess away. ‘Allen?’

‘Hmm?’

‘There’s something I still need to do. Can you take it?’

‘I’ll… I’ll try to…’

‘You look pretty tired.’

‘It’s all right. Come on.’ He rolled on his front, pulling the silk to one side, offering himself.

‘Thank you…’ Gaddes touched his tongue to the reddened opening, skin softly swollen with arousal and friction, and felt Allen twitch and quiver. ‘Do you like it here?’

‘Ngh…’

‘Yes or no?’

‘Yes…’ He turned his head and bit the pillow, pushing against the pressure of Gaddes’ tongue, wanting to open himself wider and wider, let him do anything, everything. He felt fingers slip inside and stroke in and out, keeping him purring while Gaddes dug through the nightstand drawer trying to find some cream or lotion. Successful, he shared the cool lubricant between his own skin and Allen’s, rubbing together in a slippery muddle, until the head of his cock hit the opening almost by accident, pressing home eagerly. Allen felt the familiar sharp, sweet stretching, the invading fulness, the pressure that sent an electric jolt straight through him. Gaddes groaned softly as he slid in, burying his full length in Allen’s body, feeling that tight warmth envelop him again; sometimes he thought he lived his life in between moments like this, always on his way to another, always wanting and working to get back to this point, this feeling of Allen accepting him, his love and desire. He bent low over his body, breathing in the scent of his sweating skin, fighting to control himself.

‘I can feel you trying to hold back,’ Allen breathed. ‘Don’t. Just let yourself go.’

‘I don’t want to be rough.’

‘That’s funny... I want you to…’

‘Rough with my pink panty-princess?’

A little gust of laughter escaped from Allen. ‘Don’t you dare call me that.’

‘In your pretty pink princess pants?’ He snapped the elastic against Allen’s buttock.

‘Gaddes!’

‘Am I being awful?’ He eased back and drove himself in, enjoying hearing Allen grunt and catch his breath.

‘Yes!’

‘Want me to stop?’

‘God, no…’

‘I’ve felt it inside me all day, where you were…’ He drew back again, then slid deep inside, inhaling the musky scent of Allen’s tumbled hair. He shifted his right hand from Allen’s hip down to slip into the front of his underwear, seeking and stroking his cock, feeling it reawaken under his touch.

‘Ohhhh…’ Allen’s hips jerked; he reared back against Gaddes, covering his hand with his own, pulling them up and down rapidly. Together they found a rhythm, quickening as their heartbeats hammered, climbing, straining for the peak. Gaddes felt the pulse deep in his groin, an echo of the throb in his rear, still feeling the ghost of Allen’s earlier penetration. With every stroke the slipping silk rubbed against him; the heat grew fiercer and sweeter and tighter and Allen’s cries spurred him on.

‘Aah!’ Boiling sweetness rushed through him, a blissful convulsion of every muscle. Insistently, Allen tugged at his hand, panting as he drew himself closer to his own climax, finally crying out in delight as the heavens opened.

‘All right,’ said Gaddes, out of breath, ‘all right… I had my doubts about your knickers but they were a good idea. A good idea.’ He slumped down, resting his cheek on Allen’s shoulder. ‘My God.’

‘And I kept them on the whole time,’ said Allen, sounding proud of himself. Gaddes laughed and pinched him gently.

‘You know who we’ve got to thank for this? My nice friend Lillee. Procurer of pretty pink panties for princesses and perverts.’

‘Really? I did wonder…’ He pulled Gaddes’ arms around him, kissing his hands as he rolled the two of them onto their sides. ‘Stay here all night.’

‘I always do.’

‘No, stay in here all night.’ He wriggled his hips.

‘I might sort of slip out later on. As I soften up.’

‘I just want to doze off feeling you still inside me… feeling us joined together… I love you.’

‘Love you too.’ He snuggled closer. ‘We’re going to get cold.’

‘I wonder if we can get under the covers without getting unstuck.’ With some struggling and suppressed laughter, they managed it and nestled down together.

‘I can feel my heart beating in my bottom,’ Allen said dreamily.

‘Didn’t know you had a migratory heart.’ He nuzzled Allen’s shoulder. ‘How do we know it’s in the right place?’

‘We’re talking rubbish. We’re sleepy and drunk.’

‘I know, doesn’t it feel great?’

‘Are you really, really happy?’

‘Of course I am. Can’t you tell?’

‘I just like hearing you say it. Good night.’

‘Good night.’

My new love is in my arms and my old love is in a cell. Not bad for a day’s work.

 

‘You’ve got to be kidding.’

‘No. They must’ve planned it together when they were in the cooler. I’m really sorry, Sarge. I mean, what was I s’posed to do? This guy had a knife against my throat. I don’t know where he got it from, we searched them all.’ Katz looked down at his feet, miserably contrite, rubbing at the livid mark on his neck..

‘Shit. Shit, shit shit. I should’ve gone myself.’ Gaddes walked away, stiffly, and gave a good hard kick to a barrel minding its own business in a corner of the barracks yard.

‘With respect, Sarge, if they’d held a knife on you what would you have done? The others couldn’t help me. He would just have cut. We were stuck.’

‘I know. I know. I just should’ve known what was the important thing to take care of today. Not rebuilding that blockhouse. Shit! Okay, dismissed. Wasn’t your fault.’

He turned and hurried away, into the main building and up the stairs to Allen’s room, where he found him cleaning and sharpening his sword.

‘Hallo,’ Allen said, looking up, pleasantly surprised, ‘you’re early today.’

‘Business, not pleasure,’ Gaddes said shortly. ‘You know how we sent Katz with some men to take the prisoners down to Lamor to the jail?’

‘What happened?’

‘One of them pulled a knife from somewhere and got Katz round the neck. Made them let all the damn’ bandits go. When the one holding Katz let go and ran for it, they managed to catch some back, and those ones did go to Lamor, but it was less than half. A bunch of them are loose again.’

‘Oh, damn,’ Allen said. ‘Is Katz all right?’ Swiftly, efficiently, he put away the things he was working with and replaced the sword in its sheath.

‘He’s fine. He feels like crap.’

‘Well… well, looking on the bright side, most of them were injured. We’d taken their weapons and money. They’re not exactly a force to be reckoned with at present. We’ll simply put out a double-strength night patrol. That should mop most of them up.’

‘I know, I know. It’s just…’

‘You feel like “crap” as well?’

‘I should’ve been there.’

‘In hindsight, I suppose you should. But we made our plans for today; there’s no going back on our decisions. Let’s just deal with the results as best we can.’

Gaddes blinked; he had been expecting Allen to reassure him that there was nothing he could have done, that no blame attached to him. That would have let him off his conscience.

‘Don’t waste your time berating yourself, Gaddes,’ Allen said, laying a hand briefly on his shoulder as he went out the door. ‘Everyone makes mistakes. This was my mistake too.’

I suppose that’s better than nothing.

 

Three days later, delivering the last of the mop-up efforts’ yield, he stood in the Lamor courthouse office reading over the list of names of men taken in with a sinking feeling. Nichol did not appear. He knew he wasn’t among the prisoners he had brought today – brought himself, with a very watchful eye. Someone had pointed out in the mess that it was possible the fateful knife had been hidden, to put it delicately, in a body cavity. Sometimes men did that so they could defend themselves in prison. It was possible a bandit had been carrying a weapon that way as a precaution. It had therefore been necessary to conduct an unprecedentedly full search of every man they now captured. The squeamishness of the men of Castelo at this prospect was hardly to be overstated.

‘You’ve got gloves on,’ Gaddes had pointed out. ‘All you have to do is stick a couple of fingers in and see if you can feel anything solid.’

‘It’s bloody disgusting,’ Oruto complained, glancing without enthusiasm at the backside of the prisoner under discussion..

‘I second that,’ the prisoner muttered.

‘Quiet,’ said Gaddes. ‘Am I going to have to do all this myself, for crying out loud? Look. Like this. Give me a glove. Thank you. In – shut up – feel around quickly, out. Done. Clear.’

‘I told you that,’ the prisoner said, wincing as he pulled up his pants.

‘Yes, but the crazy thing is, we didn’t believe you. Reeden, take him back to the cooler. Oruto, think you can carry on now?’

‘Dunno how you’re so matter of fact about it,’ Oruto muttered.

‘Pretend they’re livestock,’ Gaddes suggested. ‘Like you’re lambing a ewe.’

‘You don’t put your hand up a ewe’s arse, Sarge. That’s not where lambs come from.’

‘So I’m a city boy. Humour me.’

‘For God’s sake don’t do this,’ said the next prisoner, clutching at his belt, wide-eyed. ‘We’ll all go to Hell.’

‘My good man, I believe your ticket’s already booked. A finger up the bum more or less isn’t going to make that much of a difference. If it makes you feel any better, this isn’t fun for anyone. Go on, Oruto.’ He wanted to get away from this whole situation as fast as possible. It was surely only a matter of time before it all made someone think of his record. Besides which, it made him damned uncomfortable seeing men doing this to each other in such a context. He was all too aware of how violated the prisoners must feel, but what the hell was he supposed to do? He tried to tell himself that they deserved it for being thieving, murdering bastards. It still didn’t sit well.

And Nichol was still out and about somewhere.

 

‘Sergeant? Mr Gaddes?’

He turned from a polite inspection of the rattlesnake bracelet lady’s wares, and saw a young woman with a floral scarf tied over her hair, brushing away an errant wisp that had blown into her eyes. It was a dry, windy market day, and dust skirled amidst the stalls set up in Castelo’s main yard.

‘Umm… Marghetta?’

‘That’s right,’ she said, smiling rather unhappily. ‘I’m Lillee’s friend.’

‘Oh? Is Lil here today?’ He looked around, hoping he wasn’t going to be ambushed.

‘Then you haven’t heard.’

‘Heard what?’

‘I thought I should come up today and see. I mean, I know she liked you. Is there somewhere quieter we can talk?’

‘Yeah, come on.’ He led her to the hangar, full of apprehension, wondering about that past-tense liked.

‘Has she left town?’ he asked as they slipped through the small door, hopefully.

‘No… she died this week.’

‘Oh no. No,’ he said flatly, blankly. Somehow he felt he’d known that before she said anything, had known it since she first spoke to him. ‘What happened? I haven’t seen her for a while… did she get sick?’

‘She was killed.’

‘Oh… shit…’ He felt knocked sideways by this. He hadn’t thought of Lillee as a particularly close friend. She was someone he’d paid for favours. But the thought that someone had put a violent end to that smile, that laugh, made his heart contract painfully. He stepped back, feeling behind himself with one hand, and found the bench against the wall, lowering himself carefully. He found the presence of mind to speak. ‘Do you… do you want to sit down?’

‘Thanks.’ She sat down beside him, holding her handbag in her lap. He found himself noticing that she smelled strongly, pathetically, of cheap perfume, patchouli.

‘When you say killed… an accident?’

Marghetta shook her head. ‘A customer. It’s an occupational hazard. A bit like for you, eh?’ She attempted a small, tight smile. ‘I haven’t seen it happen before. It’s scared me. I’m thinking about leaving. Trying to find something else… maybe in the city…’

‘What happened? Why would a customer murder her? It was murder, not some kind of… mistake, something that went wrong?’

‘She was stabbed and her throat was cut,’ she said. ‘I was going past in the hall and I heard her scream. I ran back down the hall and had trouble with the door… when I got it open the window was swinging open and whoever he was was gone, and Lil was just… her life was bleeding away… she was dead when the doctor came.’ She started to cry, quietly. Gaddes listened vaguely for a few moments before remembering himself and offering her his handkerchief.

‘I’m scared,’ Marghetta wept, crumpling the white cotton in her fist. ‘We don’t know who he was. What if he comes back and asks for me and I don’t know it’s him? What if he wants to kill all of us? There was a lunatic in Daedalus who was doing that… it was in the papers…’

‘Is there some way someone could keep an eye on you?’ Gaddes asked. He felt as if he was only thinking about this with half his brain. The other half was numb.

‘Nuh-no.’ She looked up at him, her eyes ringed with dissolving mascara. ‘Can you help me? Please? When Lillee talked about you she said you were a nice boy, and you’re from Pallas… I’m afraid to just go to the city, I don’t know anyone.’

‘I… I don’t know, I could try…’ He tried to think. ‘I could… I could give you a letter of introduction… I don’t know anyone much, but I’ve got an uncle with a fish shop. You want to work in a fish shop?’

‘I could manage that.’

‘I’ll ask the Boss. He could probably fix you up with something better. You could be… I don’t know, a lady’s maid or something. I’ll… I’ll ask him.’ He pushed his fingers through his hair, restlessly. ‘God… poor Lillee…’

‘And can I stay here please? I don’t feel safe in town…’

‘Yeah, yes, whatever you want…’ He patted her shoulder, awkwardly.

‘I’m sorry… I’m asking you to help me and you must be so upset…’ She blew her nose, calming down now that she had his assurance of protection.

‘Well… I wasn’t in love with her… she was just my friend… do they, I mean, the town constables, are they anywhere near catching him?’

‘No. No-one can remember seeing him meet her. They don’t know who to look for. No-one saw anyone running away outside, or anything.’

‘God.’ He shook himself, trying to shake off the numbness. ‘Well… someone like that might hide out in the swamp, I guess… we may pick him up…’

‘You won’t know it’s him either.’

‘God… it’s so random. It’s like that story where an eagle was carrying a tortoise in its claws and dropped it and it fell on a guy’s head and killed him. Out of the sky.’

‘Except someone meant to do it,’ Marghetta said, wiping her eyes with a clean corner of the hanky. ‘I don’t know very much about her past. I was new and she was nice to me, so I called her my friend but I didn’t know her well. Maybe he was an old enemy or something.’ She seemed to prefer that thought to the lunatic with a grudge against prostitutes theory; being personal to Lillee, the threat died with her.

‘Poor, poor Lillee.’ I should have done something for her. Should have got her a different job. Just because she never asked doesn’t mean she didn’t want that. She wouldn’t be dead if I had done something, if I had realised I should do something… She was a lovely girl. She was kind and she liked to laugh. She should have been someone’s sweetheart, someone’s wife, someone’s mother, they should have treasured her. And she bled to death in a dirty bed. Maybe the same bed she took me to, when she didn’t want to take a customer who would have hurt her. She looked to me for protection, for safety, she trusted me and I didn’t save her. His eyes felt hot but dry; he couldn’t cry.

‘I’ll talk to the Boss,’ he promised Marghetta. ‘You can stay here as long as you want to and we’ll set you on your way safely. Don’t worry. We’ll see you right.’

‘Thank you. Thanks heaps. You were the only person I could think of.’ She gave him a watery smile. ‘Would you like something? Can I show you my appreciation?’

‘Shit, no. You don’t have to do that. I couldn’t ask you. Besides, if you’re going to get a different job it’s better to forget you ever did that.’ And I can’t think of anything I’d like less than a grope with a scared girl whose face is all blubbered with tears. Crying is so ugly on most people…

‘You’re a real gentleman,’ she said, mopping again at her eyes and smearing the mascara about. ‘Lillee always said that.’

‘I have to go… I’ll find the Boss… you can sit here till you feel better, all right? There’s a pump at the back if you want to wash your face or anything. And then wait for me in the mess – you know where the mess is? If anyone wants to do business just tell them you’re waiting for me. It’ll all be all right.’ He hurried away.

For some reason, he didn’t begin with Lillee’s story; he told Allen about Marghetta alone, in a hasty whisper by the pottery stall where he found him. He didn’t look impressed.

‘I didn’t realise you had such a wide circle of acquaintances among the ladies of the night,’ Allen said a little sourly. He turned away and picked up a blue-glazed mug, looking inside it for flaws.

‘She needs help, Boss. She doesn’t want to do that any more.’

‘Has it just suddenly become too much for her delicate sensibilities? Has she developed a distaste for degradation?’

‘She’s afraid. Her friend just got murdered. Lillee got murdered, Boss.’

Allen looked up, clearly shocked. ‘Why didn’t you say so in the first place? Are you all right?’

‘I’m not important, Boss, Lillee is important. And Marghetta. I can’t help Lillee and I can’t help Marghetta alone. Will you help me do something for her? You’ve got to know someone who could give her an honest job, a clean start. We could fake her up a reference or something.’

‘A reference from me doesn’t go far,’ Allen said. ‘People are most likely to assume that she’s a mistress I’ve grown tired of but don’t wish to throw out unprovided for.’

‘What about someone who trusts you, and hasn’t heard the rumours? Princess Millerna?’

‘Gaddes! You’re asking me to install a prostitute in a princess’ household? Think of Millerna’s morals! What sort of influence will this Marghetta of yours be on her?’

‘She doesn’t have to be any kind of influence! She can just sweep the floors! I don’t know, Boss, I just want to find her somewhere that’s safe.’

Allen bit his lip, thinking. ‘I can’t very well afford it, but I suppose I could employ her myself.’

‘Employ her? Like here?’

‘No, at my house. It’s just outside Pallas.’

‘I didn’t know you had a house.’

‘Of course I have a house. Where do you think I came from? Under a gooseberry bush?’

‘I thought it was sold, or… or lost or something…’

‘One doesn’t lose a house and a sizeable estate so easily. It’s shut up, of course, with most rooms in dust-covers. The only people living there now are the steward and some garden staff. You do understand, don’t you, that if I gave this girl a place she must absolutely leave behind her former profession? I will not have the house my mother died in become a brothel.’

‘Of course. She doesn’t want to live that way any more. I told you.’

‘Housemaid, then, I suppose. Yes. I’ll write to Stevens. And goodness knows what he will think, but I can’t live my life in fear of Stevens’ disapproval. He already thinks I have an obnoxious tendency to scuff the skirting-boards. I suppose I can’t go down much further in his estimation. Very well, then, you may tell Marghetta a place has been found for her.’

‘Thank you, Boss. Really, thank you.’

‘You’re making this up to me later, you know,’ Allen said, giving him the merest flicker of a secret look. ‘And are you sure you’re all right? I know you were fond of that girl…’

‘I have to be all right, don’t I? I’m not the one who got her throat cut by a man I had to let fuck me for money.’ He was shocked at himself as the words slipped out; Allen looked as if he’d been slapped.

‘Language, Sergeant,’ he said, a little coldly. ‘I understand if you’re upset but you have no excuse for profanity.’

‘I’m sorry, sir.’

‘Go and give the girl the good news, then. I’ll write a letter as soon as I have time.’

Brilliant. Now I’ve offended him. I will have to make it up to him and no mistake. He hurried away to the mess hall.

 

‘Are you still sad about Lillee?’ Allen swung the lantern up to look into Gaddes’ face. ‘It’s been nearly a month. Miss Marghetta is long gone to a shining career as a housemaid in the service of the Schezars. And yet I keep seeing you with that moping look on your face. I’ll begin to think you loved her more than me.’

‘Don’t be dumb.’ Gaddes pushed aside some snagging vines and let Allen go ahead of him on the path. ‘It’s just… something like that, it shakes you up. It made me think about… about how that could have been me.’

‘I think not,’ Allen said. ‘You may have been exploited, but you never prostituted yourself.’

‘I could have, though. That’s something that could’ve happened to me. In jail, or if I’d got a dishonourable discharge. What if I couldn’t find honest work? What if someone forced me to it? I could’ve gone down that path so easily. Could’ve ended it with my throat cut, or a knife in my back in an alley, if a customer or a pimp or whoever lost his temper. Or dying of VD in a workhouse hospital. Or just getting to the point where I hated myself and the life so much that I took poison or cut my wrists or tied a stone round my neck and jumped in the nearest bit of deep water.’

‘Good Lord,’ Allen said. ‘Are you thinking of things like that a lot these days? I don’t want you to. You’ll go into a depression.’ He came back towards Gaddes and put an arm around his neck, softly rising to kiss him. ‘Please don’t. I want you to be happy. Come on, you’re the one who says I worry unnecessarily. That didn’t happen. You were sent here, and you were here to meet me, to make my life worthwhile again. It’s all turned out so happily, so much joy out of so much sadness. I’m truly sorry for what happened to your friend. No-one deserves to die that way. But you mustn’t take it so much to heart. Think of all your good fortune.’

‘It’s not just that,’ Gaddes mumbled, looking down, unwilling to meet Allen’s eyes. ‘We still haven’t caught Nichol. I hadn’t thought about him in a long time. I felt like I was free of him. But seeing him again was like knocking the scab off a cut. I thought it was healed and now it’s aching again.’

‘I daresay I would feel that way if I saw Marlene again,’ Allen said softly, leaning his forehead on Gaddes’ shoulder.

‘Except Marlene isn’t running around robbing people. I mean, even if I get him put in jail, what good have I done? He’ll just end up one of those king convicts, with a bitch, some other unhappy boy like I was. He’ll do the same thing no matter where he is. It’s what he’s like. He’ll just use people forever.’

‘There is nothing you can do about a person like that,’ Allen said. ‘So you mustn’t berate yourself. It’s not in anybody’s power. You’re not being inadequate, only human. It isn’t your fault that he’s a beast. I just thank heaven he didn’t manage to make a beast of you too.’ He kissed the tip of Gaddes’ nose, smiling. ‘Now look up. Smile at me. Let’s do something fun. Take our minds off everything sad and sordid. Does that sound nice?’

‘I suppose…’

‘Oh, you ungrateful wretch. You have to be persuaded, I suppose.’ Allen kissed his lips, half-laughing, and stepped back. ‘I shouldn’t be so easy, should I? You’ll take me for granted. I think you should have to catch me.’

‘Catch you?’

‘Catch me if you can!’ He turned and darted away.

‘Tease!’ Gaddes called after him, and gave chase. He’s right. To hell with Nichol. I’m free and I’m in love. He can’t make me unhappy. He could only keep track of Allen by the bobbing of the lantern, ahead among the trees; crashing along in the dark, he was falling behind.

‘Slowpoke!’ Allen called. ‘Do you want to give me a nice slow poke? Catch me!’

‘It’ll be hard and fast up against a tree, young man! You don’t deserve any better!’ The light was staying in one place; Allen let him catch up just enough to be able to see him clearly before poking his tongue out and turning tail again.

‘Come back here!’

‘You have to catch meeee!’ The voice came back mockingly; the lantern was almost out of sight. Oh, shit, I’ve lost him. He stopped and tried to catch his breath, listening hard. Hold on. I recognise this place. He’s leading me to Sweetheart Springs. Little devil. He started out again, walking comfortably, in no hurry now. He could hear Allen singing, a bawdy song from the barracks late at night with the salient name changed, putting on a ridiculous broad accent for the occasion, although it kept slipping.

‘The fairst time Ah met ye it did cross my mind, the next time Ah saw ye there wasn’t the time, the third time Ah saw ye I thought that Ah cood, the fourth time I met you I knew that Ah wood! Oh Gaddes, oh Gaddes, you let me get lucky wi’ you!’

Laughing, he picked up his pace.

‘I want you forever, I want you for good, so I’m gonnae treat ye the way that I shood. For your soul and body my heart’s gonnae pound, even after the day that I’m laid in the ground…’

I never realised there was something that beautiful in that song. It’s not just about getting laid. Hearing that in his voice… I want you forever, I want you for good… Light gleamed again in the clearing ahead, and he ducked out from under the boughs of a willow to see Allen dancing  around the lantern half undressed, still singing as he unbuttoned his shirt.

‘You’re mad, do you know that?’

‘I’m a lunatic,’ Allen cried, ‘under the moonlight! Moonmad moonstruck mooncalf honeymoon!’ He pulled the shirt off, swung it round by one sleeve and flung it at Gaddes, then turned a neat cartwheel in his underwear. ‘Come and get me!’ he called, tossing back his tumbled hair.

‘Oh, but I know I don’t have to come and get you,’ Gaddes said, smiling as he dropped the shirt. ‘Because you’ll come to me.’ With leisurely movements, he pulled off his gloves and unbuckled his breastplate and gauntlets.

‘Oh, will I?’

‘Yes, you will, moonhoney. Because we both know what you want, and we both know I can give it to you.’ He shelled out of his tunic, undid the cuffs of his shirt and pulled it off over his head.

‘I can please myself, you know.’

‘Not like I can please you.’ He gazed at him steadily as he popped the buttons of his trousers. ‘I can see how much you want me.’

‘Perhaps that’s just the excitement of being naked outdoors. Of being naughty,’ Allen said, lightly touching the peak in his shorts and smiling teasingly.

‘Come here.’ Gaddes held out his hand, smiling. ‘Here, Ally-ally-ally.’ He beckoned with one finger as if he were calling a cat.

‘Don’t make fun of me,’ Allen said, putting his hands on his hips and pouting.

‘I can’t help it. You’re funny. That’s part of why I love you. Sweetie, it’s not that I think you’re dumb. You’re just wonderfully, um, eccentric.’ He grinned crookedly at him.

‘Hmph.’ Allen stalked over and stuck his tongue out at him.

‘That’s a pretty little tongue… will I be getting the benefit of it?’

‘You don’t deserve it.’

‘Oh… come on… just a little kiss?’ He put his arms around him and drew him close, finding no resistance. Allen turned up his face obediently, surrendering to the warm touch of Gaddes’ lips, the gentle exploration of his tongue.

‘Mmm…’ He wound his arms around Gaddes’ neck, pressing up close to him, feeling how warm, how hard was his body.

‘Told you you’d come to me.’ He kissed him again, deeply, firmly, feeling the warm surge between their mouths, as he slid his hands down Allen’s back and inside the waistband of his shorts, down to stroke and knead his buttocks, cupping and squeezing with spread fingers, pressing him close. He gave a little growl in his throat, eliciting a smothered giggle. Allen pulled back from their kiss and reached for his hands, gently disengaging them from one another.

‘Aw, why?’

‘Sit down.’ He tugged Gaddes’ pants down from his hips, taking his underwear with them.

‘Sit down?’

‘I know your legs get shaky when I do this and I don’t want you to fall over on these stones.’

‘You’re so very considerate.’ He sat on the ground, pushing his pants further down and spreading his legs, catching his breath as Allen bowed his silky golden head between them, nuzzling at the inside of his thigh, kissing wetly; he felt him write his name with the tip of his tongue. Just kissing and touching him had given him half an erection; there were no half measures now.

‘All mine,’ Allen breathed, nibbling along to the fold of his groin, lapping there. Every movement of his head made his hair drag softly over Gaddes’ skin, a sweet, maddening tease. He leaned back, supporting himself on his hands, bracing his arms; he could feel himself beginning to tremble anyway. The first melting touch of a tongue-tip on the head of his cock; the breath rushed out of him with a grunt and a hiss. Unseen fingertips traced their way down the underside of the shaft and back up again, pausing to rub the spot just beneath the head that always sent shocks of delight into him.

‘You really are into teasing tonight, aren’t you?’ he murmured.

‘You enjoy it more when I do,’ Allen replied calmly. ‘And I like playing with it… getting comfortable with it… I think it’s beautiful.’ He kissed the head, parting his lips and sucking ever so slightly. ‘I love how red the tip gets. Like a garnet.’

‘It’s dark, you can’t see it, don’t worry about the garnet.’

‘You’re all impatient and squirmy,’ Allen said, sounding as if he were laughing silently. ‘Hold your hips still!’

‘I can’t… please…’

‘Don’t you want me to enjoy myself?’ He licked the tip again, flicking his tongue-tip against it lightly.

‘I think you could enjoy yourself sucking.’

‘Mm… that’s true…’

‘Oh yes.’ A blossom of pleasure opened, expanded, turned inside out on itself and began to repeat the process. Allen began to hum softly; in the midst of his ecstasy he almost choked laughing, because he was humming scales.

‘Can I – Ally, can I push a little bit? I don’t want to gag you, but can I – ooh. Yes? Okay? Oh…’ Just a slight, gentle rocking was all he coult permit himself here; he was in two minds about whether to throw caution to the winds and let himself come, or to try to hold on for whatever Allen might have in mind. If he started to really thrust into his warm, wet mouth it would not be a matter of choice.

Before he could make up his mind, Allen drew back, gently but definitely. He sat up, pushing his hair back, wetting his ruddy lips.

‘Do you want me to do something to you now? Or have you got something else in mind?’

‘Yes. I’m going to run away again.’ With an impish smile he scrambled to his feet and did just that.

‘Oi! Come back! That’s not fair!’ He was temporarily handicapped by the trousers still webbed around his ankles, and matters were not made easier by the fact that they were pulled down over his boots, which he had to remove to get them off at all. Meanwhile Allen was knee-deep in the water singing something about a whale and kicking up huge fan-shaped splashes.

‘I’m going to get you!’ he yelled.

‘Oh, please!’ Allen called back.

Tearing off his pants, he leapt up and darted after him, grabbing him round the waist in a diving tackle that threw them both into the hot water, with a startled yelp from Allen. Underwater Gaddes’ lips found his and kissed him hard, the world was swirling hot wetness and a rushing in his ears; he wanted to drown in it. They surfaced and Gaddes released him, shaking drops of water from his hair and grinning.

‘Grr. No mercy.’

‘You’re an animal and you’ve got my undies all wet.’ Allen slapped his shoulder and kissed him again, biting his lower lip.

‘Mm… get up and show me?’ Gaddes took his hand and pulled him to his feet, gazing down at the thin, saturated silk clinging to his skin, outlining every shape. ‘Very very nice. Turn round? Oh yes…’ He ran his hands over Allen’s buttocks again, dragging the silk up and down, hooked his fingers in the leg-holes and pulled the wet fabric up, pulling it tight in the cleft between cheeks, working it for friction; Allen gasped and bent forward, pulling at the front, increasing the pressure.

‘Is that good? Is that touching you somewhere that likes attention?’

‘Yes.’

‘You really do have the cutest little bum in the world. I’m so lucky to get to see it like this…’

‘Please…’

‘Mm?’

‘Please take them off me.’ He straightened, turning to face Gaddes and draping his arms about his neck. ‘Please. I want you to see me and touch me and taste me.’

‘I’d love to.’ He stroked the erect shaft straining against wet silk, making Allen shiver. ‘You’re so hard… you’re just about ready to rip through these.’

A muffled laugh. ‘Hell of a waste of silk.’

‘I had a dream about you… last night… about schoolboys together… and you being the most wanton, come-hither little Ganymede on the face of the earth.’ He grazed Allen’s lips with his own as he hooked his thumbs inside the waistband, ran them around inside the elastic.

‘Really?’

‘Mm… we were sitting up at the back of the class… in one of those double desks with a bench seat… and you took my hand and put it in your lap and you had the cutest little fifteen-year-old stiffie.’

‘What were we studying?’

‘The teacher was droning on about the exports of Zaibach.’

‘Oh, not maths, then?’

‘No… and you made me rub it… and I just couldn’t believe it, I was looking round the room thinking somone must be able to see what we’re doing… you undid your pants and I was sitting there with your warm sticky cock in my fist, jerking it, and you were leaning back in your seat breathing hard with your cheeks all pink looking so happy, and I was feeling hot as hell and scared as hell at the same time, that we were going to get caught… but we didn’t.’

‘Why didn’t you tell me about a dream like that when you woke up?’

‘Why do you think I woke you at two o’clock going down on you? I woke up all ready to go.’

‘Samivel Gaddes, stop stalling and pull my pants off.’

‘It’s not stalling… it’s teasing… you like teasing…’ A wicked little smile.

‘You’re terrible.’

‘Do you like me anyway?’

‘Yes…’

‘Then I’ll do what you want.’ He slipped the silk shorts down over Allen’s slender hips, easing the waistband out to release his erection, pushing them firmly down his thighs. Holding himself steady with a grip on Gaddes’ shoulders, Allen lifted one leg out, leaving them snagged around the other knee.

‘There’s the Alicorn in all its glory.’

‘Don’t tease.’

‘I’m not. You know I think it’s beautiful. I might not talk about garnets, but it’s beautiful… look. I can get pearls out of it.’ Stroking back the foreskin, he squeezed the tip, drawing a glistening bead of oil to the surface. Catching it on his fingertip, stretching a spiderweb strand of the liquid between their bodies, he joined it to the head of his own cock. ‘What do you want to do?’ he whispered in Allen’s ear.

‘Jousting,’ Allen said, and started to laugh.

‘What?’

‘Jousting, I’m just looking at them and they look like two knights’ lances.’

‘Well, you are a knight.’ This line of thought evolved into a very silly game, sparring with thrusts of the hips.

‘I win… got you in the navel…’

‘That’s how you win? It’s not fair, I didn’t know…’

‘Well, you’re not a knight.’

‘Come here, you.’ Wrestling, splashing, giggling like fools, Allen breaking free and stumbling away out of the water; he dropped on his hands and knees and looked back over his shoulder at Gaddes.

‘Do you want to?’

‘Yes.’ On his knees behind him, he parted Allen’s buttocks, bowing his head to lick the tight opening, feeling him squirm delightfully, insistently working to wet and relax him, occasionally straying down to kiss the tense, heavy sac of his balls. He was aware of nothing but him, his scent and taste and warm firm form under his lips, tongue, hands, responding with shudders and groans of joy.

A strange, hissing, metallic sound, and a cold blade against his neck.

He stopped, blinking, bewildered, just beginning to sense the presence of another person behind him, the first cold jab of fear tightening his throat.

‘Gaddes?’ Allen sighed, turning to look over his shoulder. His face froze, the look of dreamy arousal giving way to pure shock. ‘Let him go,’ he said faintly.

‘I don’t think I will,’ Gaddes heard Nichol say. ‘No, not yet.’ A jolt of panic went through him, killing every trace of passion, pressing his mind flat under a cold weight.

‘I don’t think you’re going to sucker-punch me now, are you, Blondie?’ Nichol went on. ‘I honestly didn’t think you were that kind of girl. I suppose many a true word is spoken in jest. This is funny, isn’t it, Sammy-sam-sam?’ The blade pressed against his throat; he jerked back, and Nichol grabbed a handful of his hair and pulled him up to a standing position, the sword held firmly across his throat. ‘Because I thought I’d killed your girlfriend. And here you are with a little bitch of your own instead! I wish you’d keep still, Blondie, you can’t reach your sword before I’d cut his throat. Just sit tight like a good boy. Is he tight, Sam? Is he a good boy?’

‘Please. Don’t hurt me. Let me go.’ He was painfully ashamed of the thin whimper his voice had become. Your girlfriend. Oh God. Oh God, he killed her.

‘You killed Lillee…’

‘I killed a whore because I am sick and tired of little whores like you.’ The blade moved, scratching his skin. ‘A faithless little whore who turned on me… who insulted me and laughed behind my back… who would’ve thrown me in jail to rot, or let me hang…’

‘You are a disgusting criminal,’ Allen said, in a low voice. ‘You deserved all of it. You mistreated and exploited a boy who wanted you to love him.’

‘Do you want me to cut his head off, Blondie? Or maybe it’d upset you more if I cut off his dick, so he couldn’t give you what you want. What’s it like, Sam, when you stuff it into his smooth little ass? Does he cry? I used to love it when you cried…’

‘Please let me go. We won’t do anything to you. You can go free.’

‘Free and penniless and homeless and with a price on my head. Thank you, Sam. It’s all your fault.’

‘It is not,’ Allen began, but Nichol silenced him with a threatening motion of the sword, pressing the flat to Gaddes’ windpipe, making him choke.

‘I have watched you,’ he whispered. ‘With your whore, now with him… I have to kill him too, of course, you understand.’ This last was said in a perfectly matter-of-fact tone.

‘Allen, run.’

‘I’m not going to leave you with him!’

‘Run! You can get away! Don’t get killed for me, it isn’t worth it!’

‘Don’t be stupid! I love you!’

‘Dear me, this is all so touching,’ said Nichol brightly. In one swift movement he jerked Gaddes around to face him and slammed one knee up between his legs so hard that everything went black before his eyes. He felt himself pushed and fell helpless, hitting and cutting his joints on the stones that dotted the ground, the wind and sense knocked out of him by a pain that filled the world. He could not see or hear through it; a tiny conscious part of him was screaming that he had to get up, had to help Allen, oh God oh God what was happening to Allen while he lay here. Moving was just not possible.

After several seconds, an agonisingly long time, he was able to breathe in and open his eyes, unable to lift his head but rolling it to see that Nichol had forced Allen back to his knees, the sword across his throat now; his head was bowed on his folded arms, his shoulders shaking. Nichol held the sword with one hand and the other was busy unfastening the drawstring on his pants.

No, no, no, no.

‘I’ll let you see what it’s meant to be like before you die,’ Nichol was saying chattily. ‘Shame for you to die without having a real man inside you. I’m going to make you scream, Blondie. Get your head up.’ He seized a handful of Allen’s hair and yanked his head back, twisting his grasp painfully. There were tears on Allen’s face.

No, no, no, no!

‘So this is the cutest little bum in the world, is it?’ Nichol asked, sickening Gaddes with the repetition of their lovers’ talk. He was watching us, he was listening to us!

‘Let him go,’ he managed to say. ‘For God’s sake let him go. You can have me. I’ll stay with you, I’ll do whatever you want. Just don’t hurt him.’

‘Much too, much too late, Sam,’ Nichol said, shaking his head as he rubbed himself ready. ‘Tell me if it hurts, Blondie. Which it probably will.’

Allen’s eyes met Gaddes’, terrified, humiliated, beseeching.

I can’t help you, I can’t help you, oh God, he’ll kill you whatever I do… He could not close his eyes, could not be such a coward as to look away and leave Allen alone to be defiled. To his astonishment and shame, Allen held his gaze and mouthed ‘I love you.’

Don’t love me. I can’t help you.

‘Please, Nichol!’

‘Would you just shut up?’ Nichol said irritably, and would have said more if he had not been struck full in the face by a furious owl. Gaddes started up in terror, thinking that he would slash Allen’s throat by reflex; as he reeled back the blade glanced off his bare shoulder and drew blood. Allen fell forward with a cry, rolling away, but he was safe; Nichol was staggering and trying to cover his head with his arms. Natal shrieked, hissed, slashed at his face and hair with his talons, battered his head with his wings. A moment ago he had felt paralysed, but somehow Gaddes found himself on his feet and hurtling forward, ducking under Nichol’s arm and snatching the sword from his grip, heedless of danger and his nakedness and the pain that still burned, in a berserk rage that drove his arm back and around and made an end with a clean silver sweep.

Blood lashed across his face and he tasted salt. There was a loud splash; for a moment the headless body stood upright, then fell in the water too. Natal uttered a contemptuous ‘hoo’ and swooped away.

Gaddes stood with the sword in his hand and stared at the water, at Nichol’s body sprawled in the shallows, at the blood draining from his trunk and staining the pool black by moonlight. After a long, suspended moment, he began to shake violently; he lost his grip on the sword and let it fall, dropping into a huddled crouch, backing away crabwise.

‘Gaddes?’ Allen’s voice. He scrambled towards the sound, still unable to take his eyes from the horrible sight; only Allen’s touch on his arm broke the spell, and he turned and held him and buried his face in tangled golden hair.

‘I’m all right, are you?’

‘I’m all right.’ He drew a long, shuddering breath. ‘Well. I’m hurt, but I’m okay in all the important ways.’

‘That’s what I meant…’ Allen pressed a kiss on his forehead.

‘Don’t kiss me… I’m all bloody…’

‘I don’t care. You saved me.’

‘Natal saved you, for God’s sake. I couldn’t do anything. I was useless.’

‘You saved me and you avenged Lillee,’ Allen said firmly. ‘You did.’

‘I killed him!’ To his own surprise, Gaddes began to cry, like a child.

‘My poor love…’ Allen tightened his embrace. ‘He would have raped me and you saved me. All right, you had help, but Natal could only help… he couldn’t have stopped him, only made a delay.’

‘I can’t believe I killed him…’

‘It’s not the first time you’ve killed anyone, is it? I’m sure it’s not…’

‘No… it’s the first time I’ve killed anyone I’ve known…’

‘Then it’s different.’

‘How can you be so calm?’

‘Because you need me to be.’ Allen smiled ruefully. ‘If it makes you feel better, I’m sure I’ll collapse and cry buckets later. I’ve never been so afraid in my life. I felt as if I’d throw up and die if he even touched me.’

‘I’m never saying anything nasty about your owl ever again.’ They both managed to laugh, rather weakly, but soon fell silent again. Gaddes leant his head on Allen’s uninjured shoulder, feeling cold all over.

‘Is it a bad cut?’ he mumbled.

‘No… no, it’s only light. Just the skin. A deep scratch, really. It’s not bleeding too much.’

‘Allen…’

‘Hmm?’

‘When I killed him… I wasn’t thinking save you and avenge Lillee… I just wanted to kill him, to stop him, get rid of him.’

‘That’s how it is.’ Allen stroked his hair, soothingly. ‘Don’t worry about it any more. You’re a good man, Gaddes. You honestly are.’

‘I just can’t believe I’ve killed him.’

‘Let’s put our clothes on. Come on, my love. We’ve got to be sensible. We’ll freeze.’

‘I feel cold.’

‘Yes. Come on. Here are your trousers.’

‘What happened to your shorts?’

‘I have no idea, and I’m not about to look for them. Your other boot’s over there. Let me help you with that…’

Fully dressed, but not warm yet, Gaddes got to his feet and looked again at the pool, at the body, at the white petals that drifted over the skin of the water.

‘I’ve ruined this place. Haven’t I?’

‘He ruined it.’ Allen fastened his belt and put his arms around him again.

‘It was our place. Our first-kiss place.’

‘It doesn’t have to be all spoiled…’

‘It’s never going to be the same, though.’

‘No.’ He leaned his forehead on Gaddes’ shoulder for a moment, then looked up, purposeful. ‘We have to bury the body. I’m not leaving it here, and I’m not bringing it home.’

‘We haven’t got anything to dig with…’

‘There’s a quicksand area near here. We only have to carry him that far.’ He walked over to the body, and with quick, fastidious movements pulled its pants back up and tied the drawstring. ‘I don’t want to look at that any longer than I have to.’

‘I… I don’t want to touch him…’

‘Please, Gaddes. Help me… here, I’ll put his jacket over the neck and shoulders so we won’t get blood on us. Just take his legs. I’ll get his shoulders.’

‘His head. His head’s in the water somewhere.’ Gaddes felt close to screaming, but it was as if his feelings had frozen over; there was a thick layer of ice between them and the world, and he was numb with it.

‘Here.’ Allen lifted the head from the pool, streaming blood and water, and laid it on Nichol’s stomach, face down.

‘I’m going to be sick,’ Gaddes said.

‘So am I, but I’m going to be sick later. One, two, three. Lift.’

‘Fuck, he’s heavy.’

Allen did not comment on his language. With the body limp and horrid between them, they staggered through scrub until they reached an area of spongy ground.

‘No further,’ Allen said. ‘We don’t want to be buried with him. We’ll need to throw him out. Are you ready? One, two, three.’ The body flew out and landed with a wet smacking sound; the quicksand quivered like jelly.

‘He’s sitting there.’

‘He’ll sink. He’s going down.’ Allen picked up the head; it had fallen to the ground as they swung the body in preparation to throw it. ‘I’m going to burn these gloves,’ he muttered, and tossed the head out to join the body.

‘Oh God,’ Gaddes said faintly. He tried to sit down and put his head between his knees, but nausea won out and he crouched on the ground retching.

‘It’s all right.’ Allen hovered over him, patting his back. ‘It’s all right… it’s over now… let’s go home.’

‘We… we need to put a bandage on your shoulder…’

‘That’s right. Come on. You can patch me up, and I’ll cry, and you’ll cry, and maybe we’ll begin to feel better.’


	17. Chapter 17

Gaddes slept late, curled up in Allen’s bed. Allen was telling them he had a relapse of his swamp fever and needed to rest. He was sleeping without dreaming, which was a blessed relief. He’d been afraid to close his eyes last night. When he felt himself begin to wake, he burrowed back down into sleep, unwilling to face daylight. It was lunchtime when Allen woke him, gently nudging his shoulder.

‘Gaddes? I want you to have something to eat. Come on. Wake up.’

He rolled over and opened his eyes; Allen was pale today, with purple shadows under his eyes. He had indeed cried once they got home; as soon as he was no longer trying to hold both of them together he fell apart completely.

‘Here,’ he said, smiling as he saw Gaddes was awake. ‘Lunch on a tray. Cut up nicely as if you were an invalid or a baby.’

‘You shouldn’t have let me sleep in. You’re the one who nearly got raped.’

‘I’m letting you stay in bed because you’re hurt. Look at yourself, you fool, you’re covered in cuts and bruises and you’re black and blue between the legs.’

‘Well, you’re hurt too.’

‘Not so hurt that I walk bow-legged. Eat this bread and butter. I will brook no argument.’ He pushed the slice into Gaddes’ mouth while it was open to protest. ‘If I lie in bed I won’t want to get out. I’ve got to keep going or I’ll just curl up in a ball and hide under the covers.’

‘Allen…’ Sitting up, he put his arms around the boy’s shoulders.

‘I’ll be all right. I will. After all, I didn’t get raped. That’s the important thing! Just imagine how much worse I’d be feeling if it had really happened.’ He spoke with a brittle artificial brightness.

‘That doesn’t mean you’ve got no right to be upset…’

‘I… I know. But I really don’t feel as if I’ll be able to cope if I give in to my feelings at the moment. I have a job to do that’s very important. Sometimes I will cry. Sometimes I’ll need you to hold me and look after me while I cry my eyes out. But I don’t want to cry too much for something a man like that tried to do to me. There is a certain satisfaction in knowing that he’s headless and at the bottom of a quicksand.’ He sniffed deeply and gave Gaddes a tight little smile.

‘I’m trying to think of it the way you said. Saving you and avenging Lillee. And I know I wouldn’t have been in that kind of blind rage if it wasn’t for you and her. If it was just me… if he would have agreed and let you go I would have gone with him. I guess I don’t give as much of a shit about myself as I do about you.’

‘You were wonderfully, wonderfully brave.’

‘That was the strangest and worst night of my life.’

‘It started out so well and then turned so horrible. It was like a wet dream turning into a nightmare.’

‘I couldn’t believe how calm you were about things like… like handling the head… I couldn’t have done that.’

‘Please note that I did have to burn the gloves that touched it. Come on. Eat your lunch. How are your poor abused boy’s bits feeling?’

‘Very sore.’

‘I hope he hasn’t done any permanent damage.’ Allen lay down next to Gaddes, on top of the covers, and rested his head on the pillow.

‘Have you had lunch?’

‘A little. I just want to be quiet for a while, and feel how safe I am with you.’

‘I love you.’

‘I love you too. When I thought I was going to die I wanted you to know that… wanted it to be the last thing I told you.’

‘Thank you.’ He brushed a strand of hair from Allen’s forehead, tenderly.

‘Gaddes?’

‘Yes?’

‘I failed you… failed myself… I couldn’t fight properly. I just couldn’t. I was naked and unarmed and it made me stupid and frightened… I probably could have done something if I had only kept my head.’

‘You’re being too rough on yourself.’

‘It’s hard not to think that way… it’s not a very knightly thing to almost be raped and have to be rescued. We’re supposed to be the ones that rescue ladies from being raped. It’s in all the stories.’

‘Well, you’re not in a story. You’re a real person. Besides, you were telling me that story just the other day about the knight who lay down to sleep beside a spring and a huntress came along chasing a hart and she accidentally shot him in the bum. Knights get caught at a disadvantage too.’

‘I’d rather there were no injuries to anyone’s bum, thank you very much.’

‘Allen…’ He put down the piece of bread that he had been more fiddling with than eating.

‘Yes?’

‘I’m just so glad that… that it didn’t happen, that you don’t have to know what it’s like against your will. I mean, for you it would be even worse than it was for me, I guess, because I was forced but it was by someone I loved, so I sort of made excuses for him…’

‘I think being forced by someone you loved would be worse than rape by a stranger or an enemy. But I don’t know. I think it’s probably so all-around dreadful that distinctions of how bad it is are a bit irrelevant.’

‘What I mean is, I don’t want you ever to know what it’s like… it’s been something that I’ve loved about being with you, that I’ve been able to make sure you only knew love and pleasure and gave yourself freely. I mean… all right, it’s not perfect, sometimes I’ve hurt you a bit…’

‘Only at first, when I wasn’t used to it. I couldn’t help tensing up a bit, no matter how much I wanted you to do it. My body simply wasn’t used to something coming in that way, but these days I can just relax and it goes in without a twinge. It feels wonderful. If you’ve been feeling guilty about hurting me, please don’t bother.’ He took Gaddes’ hand and held it, twining their fingers together.

‘I just want to be able to keep it like that for you. I don’t want it ever to be mixed up with pain or fear in your mind.’

‘And I love you dearly for it. Now keep eating. I want you to get well and strong as quickly as possible, thank you very much.’

‘Do you know what I wish?’

‘What?’

‘That there really were unicorns. Like in the stories. And a unicorn walked down to Sweetheart Springs and dipped its horn in the water and made it pure again.’

‘That would be nice…’ Allen rubbed his cheekbone against his shoulder, thoughtfully. ‘Gaddes… in a way, I think you’re lucky.’

‘Why’s that?’

‘Because all your problems were bound up in one person… and you could face that person and strike him down. You’re free now, aren’t you?’

‘Allen…’

‘Yes?’

‘I know you’re thinking about your father.’

‘Oh.’

‘And I don’t think it would do you any good at all if you could have a whack at him with a sword. Don’t think it. I don’t feel any happier for killing Nichol. It’s something else I need to get over.’

‘Oh,’ Allen said, very quietly.

 

Of course, recovering from past trauma is made easier by living in a place you find beautiful, having worthwhile work that absorbs you, and being loved by the person you feel is perfect for you. Gaddes was surprised one day to realise that a full month had gone by… three months… six… days singular might go slowly and be individually full, but days plural rolled on by at a fast clip. There was never any idle time; always some plan to help Allen with. Improving their security network throughout the swamp, training the men to fly the Crusade, exploring, mapping, the neverending work of kicking criminal ass…

‘We’re happy, aren’t we?’ Allen asked him seriously one evening, as they watched the sun go down from their rooftop. ‘I think so. Overall and on the whole. Right? I don’t think being happy means you feel joyful all the time. Just that the balance of things in your life is in favour of happiness.’

‘I’ll always be happy as long as we’re together. As sappy as that may be.’

Allen smiled at him, sweet and peaceful and rose-lit.

All right, sometimes we just have to choose to be selectively happy. God knows, between the two of us we’ve got enough to be miserable about. Sometimes you cry at night; sometimes I do. But there’s always someone to turn to. There’s always your embrace. What’s the point of being unhappy? It just means the bastards have won. We can’t do anything to change what’s happened in the past – and instead of being angst-ridden about that, why not just see that it’s normal? No-one can change their past. Let’s just get on with it.

This formula for living had been very successful for the two of them for a few years, with occasional breaks for diplomatic reasons, when one night Allen went out to patrol alone. This wasn’t unusual. They didn’t live in one another’s pockets as much as they used to; Allen would say, laughingly, that they were more like an old married couple these days. Diplomacy was no longer a painful effort. There was still desire, sweet and strong and warm, and love deeper and richer than ever, but the honeymoon had come to its natural end. Marriage was an idea they both liked.

It wasn’t unusual for him to go out alone, but it was unusual for him to bring back prisoners like this. Well, not prisoners at all, in the case of the girl, pale and unconscious in Allen’s arms. He carried her away tenderly, saying he was going to put her to bed. Gaddes looked down at the skinny boy sprawled in the bottom of the boat, feeling rather less tender. He bent down and heaved him up in a fireman’s lift; the boy groaned, but didn’t wake up.

‘Yuk.’ From the smell of him, he had thrown up quite recently.

‘Why do I have the feeling,’ Gaddes muttered, as he carried him away, ‘that this is the beginning of something I won’t enjoy?’

 

He leaned against the window frame and gazed out at the night. News of the victory, or at least of the end, was still spreading. Fireworks were going up over Pallas; he wasn’t sure that was in very good taste, but if people were feeling happy he wasn’t about to bitch. For his own part, he felt grimy all over and so tired that it hurt. He was having a bit of trouble adjusting to the idea that he was here in Allen’s house. The place where he’d grown up…it was all dustcovers and spiders. He’d seen Marghetta, bustling round with her hair done up in a scarf and dust on her nose, because she’d been turning out rooms making them ready for habitation again.

‘It’s good to have them home,’ she’d said. ‘This place will wake up. And it’s good to see you too.’ She grinned at him and wiped her nose on her sleeve.

‘Yeah… good to see you.’

‘Are you okay? You look pretty blue.’

‘I’m just really tired. A war takes it out of you, you know?’

‘Come down to the kitchen and I’ll give you something to eat. Least I can do for the returning hero.’

She’d fed him great chunks of cold roast lamb and potatoes and sat across the table smiling and flirting with her eyes.

I don’t want to be a conquering hero. I’m exhausted and I think I smell bad. I don’t want to have a victory shag with a nice willing girl. I want to go home, wherever that is. Home was with Allen. And now Allen’s come back to his old home. He had to stop chewing and bite his lip hard, screwing his eyes closed to stop tears leaking out. He’d been able to cope for a long time just by being too busy and frightened to think hard about anything – about the lonely pain down low in his chest, about the future and whether there was one he wanted any part of. He felt more or less exactly the way he did as a child when he burst into tears from sheer overtiredness.

He’d excused himself from Marghetta and come to stand here; to rest his forehead against the cool windowpane.

I’ve given him long enough, haven’t I? I don’t want to butt in on his reunion with his sister. I need to see him so badly.

He turned his back to the fireworks and made his way to the nursery. Allen had wanted to put Celena in ‘her own little bed’ so that she would wake up and see familiar things, wake up and feel safe. She had been sleeping for hours as it was; had passed out as they tried to get her off the battlefield.

I’d be pooped too… poor little kid.

He nudged the door open and looked in; there was a small lamp burning on the nightstand that let him see Celena curled up in the bed and Allen sitting beside it, his chin resting on his hands. He didn’t react to Gaddes coming in; he only looked up when he put a hand on his shoulder.

‘You look about how I feel,’ he said, a little hoarsely. ‘Are you all right?’

‘I’m fine. Fine now. It’s finally over… hard to believe, isn’t it?’

There was a silence, filled only by their breathing; Celena’s quiet and slow, perfectly peaceful, and Allen’s becoming more agitated. Abruptly, he sprang up, so fast that he knocked his chair over, and flung his arms around Gaddes’ neck, pressing his face into his shoulder. His whole body shook; his arms were so tightly locked that they quivered. Surprised, Gaddes hesitantly put his hands on his waist.

‘Gaddes,’ Allen said, with a muffled sob.

‘Yeah? What’s wrong?’

‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry!’

‘Ally, what’s wrong?’

That only set him off; he began to cry uncontrollably, still clinging and hiding his face. It was all Gaddes could do to guide him over to the broken-down sofa under the window – what had probably been a good piece of furniture before it was relegated to the children’s use – and get him to sit down.

‘Now come on, Ally…’

‘I nuhnever thought you’d call me that again!’

‘Why in the world not?’

‘Because I don’t deserve it!’

‘Oh, for crying out…’ He forced Allen’s chin up with his fingers and kissed him deeply, through the salt of his tears. It was such a relief to kiss him again that he felt close to tears himself; it was a long time before he could release him. ‘Now what are you going on about?’

‘I… I thought it would be all over between us.’ Allen gulped, sniffed deeply and wiped his eyes with his gloved fingers. ‘Because of what an idiot I’ve been. Because I’ve been unfaithful to you. With Hitomi. With Millerna.’

‘Well, for heaven’s sake, you’d think I’d never seen you flirt with girls before. I know you only do it to perk yourself up. When the fort burned down and we lost all but seven of the guys, when we had to go to Pallas and deal with all that stuff rising from the past… I figured you were due a little flirtation to keep your spirits up and make you feel like a stud. Besides, it was cute when you charmed Hitomi. I never thought you were serious.’

‘Gaddes, I… I didn’t tell you. I asked Hitomi to marry me.’

‘Marry you?’

‘I thought then it was what I wanted. I was deluded. I was stupid. I could see it clearly once she left. I didn’t want her, I wanted Celena.’

‘Allen, that sounds very fishy.’

‘I don’t mean I wanted Celena to be my wife – I wanted Hitomi to be my sister. I wanted my sister back. I’ve always wanted my sister back – to be able to take care of her. That was what made me love Hitomi but I misunderstood it.’ He wiped his face again and pushed his hands back through his hair.

‘Wow.’ Gaddes sat back, draping his elbow over the back of the sofa and resting his head on his hand. ‘I never knew it got that bad. I wish I could have talked to you during all this.’

‘S-so do I. You could have kept me from making such stupid mistakes. You understand my feelings better than I do.’ He looked up shyly, apprehensively. ‘Gaddes, does this change how you feel? Are you angry with me?’

‘Well… no. You realised you were wrong before any harm could come of it. You didn’t marry her. Jeez, if I thought you were seriously going to marry any girl, do you think I’d let you do it? Bugger diplomacy. I’d corner you somewhere quiet and give you a piece of my mind.’

‘Really? How would it go?’

‘Something like, number one, I know you love me, so don’t be stupid. Number two, if you marry this girl, you won’t have me any more. I’m not a homewrecker. Number three, please don’t break my heart.’ He smiled sadly.

‘As things were going, it felt as though you and I would never really be together again… and as I said I was confused about Celena, and the whole Marlene business… I know I was wrong, Gaddes. I know you’re the only one who can make me happy.’

‘Well, no again. I mean, Hitomi and Millerna both did things for you that I never could. Millerna saved your life. And Hitomi… I think Hitomi saved your heart, in a way. If it wasn’t for her, all that freaky Asgard-Atlantis business wouldn’t have happened… you wouldn’t have been able to sort it out with your father…that, and the Celena thing, are what you’ve always needed. And I’ve always known I couldn’t help with it. They were the right people for you, at the right times. I owe them an awful lot. I’ll always love ‘em. Without what they did I would’ve lost you.’ He tipped his head to one side, considering. ‘Actually, another piece of my mind would be, don’t you dare cheat this girl by marrying her when you don’t love her the right way. They’re both great girls, so smart and brave and kind – they deserve someone to love them right. And they’ve each got someone – I would’ve had to say don’t you put yourself in between with your lady-killer smile and ruin things for Van and Dryden. It’s not playing fair. I like them both too.’

‘Dryden? Really?’

‘He’s fine for Millerna. They both need to grow up, settle down and get used to each other, that’s all. The only reason they didn’t get on was that they were pushed together before they were both ready. It’s got to be the right person at the right time.’

‘Yes, but do you really like him?’

‘I’m sorry you don’t, but yeah, I do.’

‘Huh.’

‘Excuse me – don’t be jealous. I didn’t go asking other people to marry me. I behaved like a perfect kindly eunuch.’ He grinned crookedly.

‘You really weren’t jealous? I mean, you didn’t mind or think I was serious?’

‘No.’ Gaddes shrugged. ‘I trust you. And I know you love me. I’m not trying to sound like an arrogant prick when I say that. It’s not like I think you can’t help it and I’ve got you as a slave for life. But I know I’ve earned your love and done nothing to lose it, so I don’t have to be afraid. I know you’ll do the right thing by me. You’re a gentleman. That’s just the way it is. I was jealous all right, if that means missing you and coveting you, wishing I could get you away from everyone else and have you all to myself again, but… well, there was so much going on that was more important than how I felt. There was how you felt. Solving your problems. I could see how hard it was for you, but it’s like… sometimes you have to wound to heal… like opening up a scar to take out shrapnel so it can finally get better properly. I let things happen as long as I was sure they weren’t doing any harm. And they weren’t. I was right to have faith in you, wasn’t I? Here you still are.’

Allen’s lower lip trembled and he plunged forward, hugging Gaddes around the waist and pressing his face against his chest again.

‘Tired and emotional,’ Gaddes murmured, stroking his hair and resting his chin on top of his head. ‘That’s what we both are, tired and emotional. But God, it feels good to hold you again. The only times I was really afraid were when I thought you might be killed. I knew that, whatever happened, I could get along all right somehow as long as there was you…’

‘You sound like Van’s little Merle,’ Allen said, a little muffled and sounding amused.

‘Allen-sama!’

‘You can’t do the voice.’

‘That’s just what some of us are like. We find our hero and we love him.’

‘I’m not a hero.’

‘Proper heroes never think they are.’ He combed his fingers through strands of golden hair, brought them to his lips. ‘I missed you.’

‘I missed you.’ Allen nuzzled against him, gently. ‘Thank you for still loving me. For not being angry about my foolishness.’

‘Just promise me you won’t lead Millerna on any more. You’ve made enough trouble there and you’re really asking for King Aston to have you neutered. The old-fashioned way, with two bricks.’

Allen winced. ‘I promise.’

‘Then, whatever comes next, we’ll find a way through it together.’

‘Always together. I’ll pull as many strings as I have to. I’m not going anywhere without you.’

‘What do you think they’re going to do with us next?’

‘I don’t know.’ He lifted his head, sighing, and settled again with his cheek on Gaddes’ shoulder.

‘Back to the swamp?’

‘I don’t know if I want to fight any more…’

‘Really? What about being a Swordsman of Gaea… protecting people?’

‘I want to keep Celena safe… I don’t want to take her to live in a place like that. And I can’t send her to a boarding-school or anything like that. It would be awful for her. We need to stay together, and be a family. I’m thinking of trying to resign from the military… to find some other way to do something useful in this world.’

‘You know I’ll help you, whatever you choose.’

‘Thank you. I love you.’

‘I love you too.’ They kissed, wearily, and lay curled together for a little time.

‘I’m exhausted,’ Allen said eventually, ‘and I can’t sleep. It’s stupid.’

‘Me neither. Am I as smelly as I think I am?’

‘Well, not badly… but you’re not fresh and fragrant.’

‘Why don’t we have a wash, and find a proper bed?’

‘That’s a wonderful idea.’ Allen got up, stretching creakily. ‘Do you think Celena will be all right?’

‘I don’t think she could be safer anywhere in the world.’ He waited at the door while Allen brushed the curls back from Celena’s forehead and dropped a kiss between her eyebrows.

‘She’s a beautiful girl,’ he said softly as he turned away. ‘She has a bit of Mother in her face.’

‘Is that your mother in the portrait in the hall?’

‘Yes… when she was in her twenties.’

‘Then so do you.’ He held out his hand. ‘Come on, sweetheart.’

The bathroom attached to Allen’s bedroom was newly cleaned and smelled of disinfectant. It was the old-fashioned kind of bath that you had to fill with jugs of water heated over a pot-bellied stove in the corner; considerately, Marghetta or someone had already started it burning. Allen stood at the mirror drowsily brushing his hair while Gaddes dealt with the water.

‘I’m all tangled,’ Allen muttered, tugging at a snag, which he had to break up with his fingers. Laying down the brush, he slipped off his gloves and began to unbutton himself; Gaddes looked up from his work with quiet appreciation. The air was slowly filling with soothing warm steam, and the mindlessness of going back and forth between stove and bath was also soothing.

‘Bath salts,’ Allen said, leaning past him, in his shirt and underwear, with a slightly dusty canister. ‘They were in the cabinet but they might still be good. Lavender and jasmine… I feel like lavender and jasmine tonight.’ He sprinkled them over the water, humming softly. Gaddes reached out to stroke back his hair as it fell forward over his shoulder; Allen looked up at the touch and they both straightened, looking into each other’s eyes. After a moment Gaddes lifted his hand and gently pressed his palm to Allen’s chest, feeling his warmth, feeling the rhythm of his heart. After a moment he began to unbutton his shirt, taking his time. As it fell fully open, he saw the scar on Allen’s belly, still raised and a little red, but as smooth and neat as Millerna’s careful sutures could make it. It made him realise, with something of a jolt, just how long it had been since he had seen him undressed. He touched the scar, lightly; Allen’s hand joined his, simply resting there.

‘I’m not the boy you fell in love with,’ Allen whispered.

‘I’m not the boy who fell in love with him.’ He leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. ‘Go on. Hop in the bath. I’ll be ready in a minute.’

Allen slipped out of his underwear and climbed into the bath, sweeping one hand under his hair to drape it over the rim of the tub, allowing him to lie down without wetting it. He sighed as he sank into the warm water, feeling it surround him with comfort. If he tilted his head a little to the side, he could see Gaddes getting undressed, sitting on the floor to take off his boots, wincing slightly as he did so and pausing to rub his feet.

‘You need new boots,’ Allen observed.

‘The boots are fine, it’s these crappy old socks.’ He held one up with his hand inside it and two fingers poking out of holes.’

‘I’ll buy you new socks,’ Allen said, closing his eyes. ‘All the socks you want. In every colour of the rainbow. Wool and cotton and silk.’

‘They make silk socks? For men?’

‘You seem to find that a little suspect,’ Allen said, with a flicker of a smile.

‘I’m just never going to get used to your high-class world.’

‘Oh, you will. I’ll consider it a great achievement the day you take silk socks for granted.’ He opened his eyes as water rippled and Gaddes’ foot hit the bottom of the bath, and watched him sitting down at the opposite end, leaning back, finding room for his legs alongside Allen’s.

‘Oof,’ he said. ‘I’m getting old.’

‘You’re twenty-three.’

‘I’m having an Old Night, then.’

‘It’s a Tired Night. You’ll feel young and frisky in the morning.’

‘Oh, I hope so.’

‘And if not, you may sleep in. Everyone is allowed to sleep in the day after a war. The next day it’s time for reconstruction.’

‘Ger-roan.’

‘No… we’re good at this… we’ll cope.’

‘I would just like to soak for quite a long time.’

‘Then let’s do that.’ A restful pause.

‘Nice lavender smell.’

‘Hmm.’

‘Lavender gives you sweet dreams.’

‘Hmmm.’ After a moment, Gaddes felt Allen’s foot gently brush against his hip, not once, accidentally, but twice, deliberately, a little caress.

‘Oh, so you’re not asleep after all?’

‘I’m just being affectionate.’

‘With your feet.’

‘Do you object to my feet?’

‘No, I’m quite fond of your feet. However, if your foot gets into my lap, I’ll find that a bit too strange.’

‘You like a hand, but not a foot?’

‘Exactly.’

‘A foot could be clumsy, couldn’t it? Might hurt your precious bits.’ He drew his foot back over the outside of Gaddes’ thigh, down to the knee, and back up, inward, just nudging at his groin.

‘Now stop that,’ Gaddes said gently. He caught the foot and lifted it from the water, dotted a quick kiss to the sole, and lowered it again. He could see Allen smiling. ‘I thought you were tired?’

‘Warm water revives me.’

‘Want me to scrub your back?’

‘Oh, yes please.’ He executed a complex little manoeuvre, rolling over and pulling himself up into a kneeling position, while keeping his hair out of the bathwater.

‘Oh look, some kind person has given us a fresh cake of soap. In a paper wrapper with “Rose Thay” written on it.’

‘Rose thé – tea rose.’

‘Then allow me to lather you up.’

‘Prrrr…’

‘I think you’ve lost a little weight, Ally. Your back looks thinner.’

‘Well, is it any wonder?’

‘I’ll have to feed you porridge until you look healthier.’

‘Eur, don’t… I can’t bear porridge.’ He gave a little sigh of delight as Gaddes drew his nails down over his back, gently scratching. ‘All over, please, and then work up and concentrate under the shoulderblades and at the nape of the neck.’ A very pleasant shiver ran up and down his spine; he felt his shoulderblades draw together involuntarily.

‘Yes, Boss.’

‘Aaaah… true love is having someone to scratch your back just right.’ He arched his back like a cat stretching. ‘I get itchy there. Nothing feels as nice as being able to just lie here and have it taken care of for me. I mean, I could scratch the requisite spots myself if I had to. But that’s hard work.’

‘I”ve missed touching you,’ Gaddes murmured, pressing a kiss into Allen’s soft hair.

‘As I’ve missed being touched. It makes my body lonely. It feels like no-one loves it.’

‘Didn’t you still love it?’

‘Oh, of course I did, but that’s never the same. That’s just enough scratching now… stop before it gets sore.’

‘Your wish, my command, etcetera.’ Allen rolled over, put his arms around Gaddes’ neck, and kissed him lingeringly.

‘You make me happy,’ he breathed.

‘I thought you were going to die today.’

‘What?’

‘When you were fighting Van… I thought it couldn’t end till one of you was dead. And I was expecting you to win, because you’re you. But then he smashed in the faceplate of Scherezade… and I thought, oh God, it’s going to be Allen. Worst moment of my life. Seeing the bomb go off just runs a close second.’ A deep, desperate kiss. ‘Do me a favour and don’t have any more fights with him.’

‘All right…’ He sat up a little higher; he was sliding down in the tub. ‘Do you know what we need?’

‘What do we need?’

‘Wait there.’ He pushed Gaddes back and climbed out of the bath, putting on the towelling dressing-gown that hung on the back of the door.

‘Now where are you going?’

‘I’ll be back soon, honestly. Keep the water warm.’

Gaddes sat back with a sigh. After a while he began to amuse himself by sliding back and forth to build up a tidal wave and make water slop over the end of the bath. Not that this was outstandingly amusing, but it beat sitting still. After a few tidal waves he got up to replenish the water level, which had fallen quite a bit. Fortunately there was a drain in the blue-tiled floor; he hadn’t made a lake. Allen was staying away for much too long, he felt; he explored the possibilities offered by the bathroom cabinet, which were not extensive. There was soap, talcum powder, tooth powder and a sponge he didn’t want to touch.

‘Sigh,’ he said aloud, ‘bored now,’ and got back into the bath. At this point Allen scurried in, looking flushed and pleased with himself, and carrying a wine-bottle.

‘The cellars of the house of Schezar are not quite exhausted,’ he said triumphantly. ‘My trusty steward found this for me. It’s a very good year and it’s just been getting better ever since. I’ve only brought one glass, for obvious reasons, but you’re happy to share, aren’t you?’

‘Hell, yeah. Let me take that so you don’t drop it getting in.’

‘Don’t spill it, it’s open.’

‘Pour you a glass?’

‘If you would be so kind.’

Gaddes kept hold of the bottle and took a swig directly from the neck.

‘That is no way to treat a fine vintage!’

‘I’m common. It’s all just hooch to me.’

The wine warmed their stomachs, made them cheerful.

‘I’m still not sleepy,’ Allen said, looking thoughtfully into his glass, ‘and I’ve had half a bottle. Perhaps I need more.’

‘No, don’t get sleepy. I’m just waking up.’ Dropping the empty bottle in the water, where it made a hollow glugging noise, Gaddes slid forward to wrap his arms around Allen, tasting his winy mouth, pressing close to him, water shifting between their skins.

‘Ohh…’ Allen was quickly beginning to breathe hard; he tried to shift position to let Gaddes lie on top of him and slipped, bumping his elbow painfully. ‘Ow!’

‘This is why doing it in a bathtub is no good. Let me kiss it better… there… all better?’

‘Mm… Gaddes, feel this.’

‘It’s been months since I felt anything that good.’

‘Is yours hard too? Yes… yes.’

‘I think it’s long past our bedtime.’

‘What? No…’

‘Don’t you want to be in a nice soft bed, where we can roll around?’

‘Oh, yes…’

‘Come on, then.’ He got to his feet, water streaming down over him, and was prevented from stepping out of the bath by Allen’s hands on his thighs. Careless now of whether his hair trailed in the water, he leaned forward, rising a little on his knees, running his palms up over Gaddes’ thighs, following their path with his lips and tongue.

‘Oh, God…’ As a preventive measure, he sat down on the edge of the tub.

‘I love it when you’re all wet and dripping…’ Allen murmured. ‘It makes your skin look so good.’ He flicked his tongue over the taut tendon leading into Gaddes’ groin. ‘And I’ve missed how you taste… how you feel filling my mouth…’ He glanced up with a flicker of a teasing smile as Gaddes groaned and pushed his hips upward. ‘Do you miss that too?’

‘Yes.’

‘Do you want to feel it again?’

‘Allen, please…’

He pursed his lips and blew gently, sending a tickling stream of air over the throbbing skin. Then, taking pity, he kissed the head, softly, wetly, parting his lips to draw it in, sliding his tongue up and down underneath, making Gaddes whimper with relief and new pleasure. ‘Mmmm…’ He increased and diminished the intensity of his suction, making it rhythmic, truly enjoying the taste of slippery pre-come as it seeped into his mouth again. Gaddes’ thighs were trembling under his stroking hands, firm golden-brown muscle on either side; he loved feeling the tension running through them. Gaddes groaned softly as he leaned forward, running his hands down Allen’s back, reaching for his buttocks. He lifted them obligingly and felt himself firmly grabbed, squeezed, kneaded. Two fingers ventured into the cleft, stroking up and down, teasing round and round the opening, then softly rubbing over it, gradually increasing the pressure, taking pleasurable little dips into the heat of his body.

‘Did you miss me here too?’

‘Mmghhh…’ He arched his back as he felt Gaddes’ fingers enter him, delving inside, finding and pressing that spot. Gaddes was bent double over him now, kissing the small of his back as he thrust his fingers in and out. I feel so beautiful, so deeply loved… and it feels so, so good inside me! The position was forcing Gaddes’ erection deep into his mouth, almost his throat; he found it powerfully erotic but it was getting very hard to breathe. I want this, I want this, getting it at both ends at once! He gagged a little and pulled back, moaning, letting the shaft slip from his mouth, turning to licking it, wet, rapid strokes, almost slapping it with his tongue.

‘Yes…’ Gaddes was mumbling, resting his cheek on Allen’s back, ‘oh yes…’ His free hand slid down to grip the back of his thigh, squeezing and loosening as pulses of delight rippled through his body. His fingers were lost in Allen’s lovely tightness; he couldn’t even feel the discomfort of the rim of the tub digging into his thighs. Allen was panting as he licked, giving little ah! ah! grunts at each stroke inside him.

My Gaddes… my lovely, loving Gaddes… He felt his hips quiver as he came, felt the warm spurt against his cheek, his lips, salt touching his tongue, sticky rivulets trickling down his face.

‘Oh… ohh…’ Gaddes was breathing heavily, the tension melting out of his body. Allen shuffled back on his knees and let him slide down into the water, his fingers slipping out of their harbour.

‘Good God, I needed that,’ Gaddes murmured. His head was hanging back over the edge of the bath; he raised it wearily and looked at Allen, sitting back on his heels and smiling at him. ‘You’re a little bit gooey,’ he said, smiling back.

‘Clean me up, then,’ Allen suggested, leaning closer, offering his cheek; Gaddes lapped at the whitish traces, licking him clean. He finished with a kiss on the tip of his nose.

‘Bed now,’ he said. ‘Really.’

‘But I’ve still got this…’

‘I want to take care of it in bed.’ Gently pushing Allen back, he got up, and made it out of the bath this time. He opened the door to the bedroom and made a gracious ‘after you,my dear Alphonse’ gesture.

‘I’ve always rather enjoyed walking around naked with an erection,’ Allen said thoughtfully, climbing out of the tub. ‘It feels nice and heavy. And you’re not going into my room dripping wet, you’ll spoil the carpet.’ He threw a towel at Gaddes and began to dry himself with another.

‘Forgive me, I’m not used to being in places with carpet.’ He gave himself a cursory rub-down, enjoying the sight of Allen with his skin flushed pink from the hot water, the deepest, rosiest pink standing up jauntily between his thighs.

‘All ready,’ said Allen, dropping his towel and sauntering past him, raising his arms in a languorous stretch as he went. Gaddes followed him into the room, found him climbing onto the bed on all fours, looking back at him over his shoulder.

‘You’re very, very tempting, but I’m not ready to take care of it that way,’ he said, sitting down.

‘Pooh,’ Allen said, rolling over to lie on his back and pouting. ‘Don’t you know I’ve been pining for good hard buggery for weeks on end?’

‘How did you think you’d get through life with a wife? A female one, I mean.’

‘I don’t know… I suppose I might have done things with bottlenecks or phallic vegetables.’

‘It’s not the same though, is it?’

‘My God, no. I should know.’

‘Have you been taking care of yourself while we couldn’t be together?’

‘Well, of course I have.’

‘Show me.’

‘Hm?’

‘Show me what you’d do.’ He made himself comfortable at the foot of the bed, pulling the extra comforter up to keep him warm. ‘I want to lie here and watch you play with yourself.’

‘You’re mean,’ Allen said, leaning back against the pillows with his legs spread. He stroked his fingers down over his thighs, guiding Gaddes’ eyes to the centre. ‘The Alicorn’s been so lonely… at night, in the morning… no-one to play with him… his gentleman caller never comes.’

‘He came just a minute ago,’ Gaddes said, smiling. ‘Stop stalling.’

‘I’m not stalling. I like to do these things slowly. I like to wait to touch it, until – there it goes.’ A thick, clear drop of liquid emerged from the tip and trickled down the shaft. ‘Oh…’ He touched the head with his fingertips, spreading the oily wetness, rubbing the smooth tip to a shine. The blush of his cheeks was deepening, his eyes growing dreamy; they slowly closed.

‘What do you think about when you touch it?’

‘You, dummy. You… your voice, your hands, your mouth…’

‘Not any of those girls you’ve been courting disaster with?’ he teased.

‘No…’

‘See, Ally, you never really have grasped the idea that if you were in love with a girl you would want to sleep with her.’

‘I wanted to sleep with Marlene,’ Allen pointed out.

‘No no no, not just be willing if she suggests it – actually wanting to, dreaming about it, trying to make it happen any way you can.’

‘Only with you.’

‘Thank you.’

‘Women seem… I don’t know, sacred. As if it’s somehow wrong to do that with them, even within marriage. It’s different with a man.’

‘We’re not sacred?’ His eyes flicked from Allen’s face to his cock, slippery and smooth as his fingers spread the liquid all over.

‘Not like that…’ Slowly, delicately, he wrapped his hand around the shaft and began to slide it up and down. ‘Mmmhh…’ At the same time, the other hand slipped down to cup his balls, gently rolling them.

‘How do they feel?’

‘You know… warm, soft, heavy…’

‘How do they feel inside.’

‘Good… very good… full of warm honey.’ He moved his fingers further down, tilting his hips to give himself access to his opening. ‘Oh… this is still all tingly from you playing with it…’ He slipped two fingers inside, catching his breath at the sensation. He was breathing faster, stroking himself faster, an expression of intense concentration on his face, biting his lower lip. ‘Please, Gaddes, I need something inside.’

‘Just wait a moment – I’ll help you…’

Allen waited, breathless; he felt Gaddes get off the bed and go into the bathroom. His fingers twitched inside him, putting sweet sharp pressure on that little bulging soft something he could feel through a thin silky wall. He doesn’t need to get anything to lubricate us, I feel as if I could just take him as I am… I want it so much… Sense memory rehearsed the feeling of spreading, filling, the warm hard shaft penetrating deeply, Gaddes’ sweating body pressed to his, every fragment of his awareness filled with desire and pleasure tumbling together in mutual provocation and satisfaction.

Footsteps padded across the floor and the featherbed shifted as Gaddes sat down again.

‘Oh, thank goodness… Gaddes, come here now… I need it…’ He removed his fingers, holding his hand open eagerly, wanting to guide him in. Something hard was placed in his hand; something hard, smooth and cool. His eyes blinked open; the wine-bottle was between his legs, Gaddes smiling at him.

‘Do something with the bottleneck, like you said,’ he whispered, leaning over to tickle Allen’s ear with his breath. ‘Let me watch you do it.’

‘I – I don’t know…’

‘It’s a nice long neck… it should be able to hit the right spots inside you…’ Gaddes stroked his chest, pausing to gently pinch a nipple. ‘And here is the little tube from my pants pocket, because I’m ready for anything.’

‘But I’ve never done anything like this.’

‘That’s why it’s so exciting to watch you.’

‘I… all right…’ He squeezed a little of the lubricant onto the green glass, spreading it around. ‘It’s thinner than what I’m used to.’

‘Harder too.’

Allen lay back, lifting his hips and spreading his legs as far as he could, sliding the bottle into place, feeling the cool rim part the opening, dilate it, slowly slide in.

‘Oh God.’

‘Does it feel good?’

‘Y-yes…’

‘Push it in deeper.’

‘Yes.’ In a moment it was in as far as it could go; he was panting, overwhelmed.

‘It must be hard holding your hips up like that – here.’ Gaddes pushed pillows under his tense buttocks, giving him support.

‘Oh… ohhh…’

‘Nice?’

‘Yes.’

‘Move it a little bit.’

‘Oh…’

‘Pump it in and out.’ Gaddes was leaning over, watching keenly. ‘How is it?’

‘It’s… oh… hhh…’

‘I remember it being different from a cock… more intense…’

‘You’ve done this?’ he asked, startled.

‘Had it done to me. I like watching you do it to yourself better.’ He dropped a kiss on the tip of Allen’s quivering cock.

‘P-please…’

‘Want me to take over?’

‘Mm…’

‘Let’s ease it out, then.’ He gently removed the bottle, put it aside, positioned himself straddling Allen’s body with his head between his legs.

‘Can you draw your legs up a little higher?’

Allen hooked his hands behind his knees and complied.

‘I love this position… I can stroke you and lick you and suck you in all the best places.’ Warm hands imprinted themselves on Allen’s buttocks, squeezing and spreading them apart, and his tongue touched the reddened opening. He felt Allen’s whole body twitch, his breath drawn in with a hiss.

‘I guess it’s very sensitive here by now.’

An earnest whimper, he responded with gentle, caressing licks, alternating between stroking over and spiralling inward, before slowly inserting his fingers and moving his head down to lick over Allen’s balls.

Lying back, trembling, Allen opened his eyes, gazed up at Gaddes’ body above him, groin right above his head, thick cock hanging down; he reached up and planted his hands on Gaddes’ buttocks, pulling him down, forcing his knees to slide apart on the sheets, so that he could gently lick and discover that it wasn’t just hanging down; if he’d lain on his back it would be standing to attention.

‘Okay to put it right in your mouth?’ Gaddes breathed.

‘Mm…’

‘I’ll return the favour.’ Down further; he took the straining member in his mouth, sucking in rhythm with the strokes of his fingers, and groaned as he felt Allen’s mouth take him. Unable to stay up on his knees, he rolled the two of them to the side, lying down, nuzzling deeper, pushing three fingers inside, using his free hand to squeeze the base of Allen’s cock and hold him back from orgasm. Little moans and squeals were sending their vibrations into his own rigid, engorged flesh and it felt beautiful. Abruptly Allen jammed his thumb between Gaddes’ buttocks, thrusting hard; he almost came and wrestled himself back from the brink with difficulty. I want this to go on and on and on. So perfect… him in me and me in him and the love just coursing through the two of us, I suck it out of him and squirt it back in. They seemed to melt into one creature, swallowing and giving birth to itself, a perpetual circuit of bliss, until it just got too good to last, abruptly got even better, and released them both with a storm of shudders, the pleasure for each of feeling salt spit from the tense column enveloped in his kiss enhancing the white-gold rush in his own.

They lay together, panting, feeling weak as newborns.

‘That was really… quite astonishing timing,’ Allen said, when he felt able to speak. ‘How often is it that close?’

‘Once in a blue moon,’ Gaddes breathed. ‘I think we had the same orgasm.’

‘One between us?’

‘It’s nice to share.’ He heaved himself up and turned round, getting his head to the same end of the bed as Allen’s. ‘Love you.’

‘Hmm… love you.’ A tangled, sweaty embrace and a deep, messy kiss.

‘Want to just go to sleep?’

‘Just as soon as I clean my teeth and wash my face.’

‘Don’t do that… stay sticky all night.’

‘Gaddes. Do I have to be firm with you?’

‘No. If it comes to that I need to go to the toilet now.’

‘But after that I’ll sleep all night in your arms.’

 

Gaddes woke quite late in the morning, by the feel of it, and by the light visible through the sage-green curtains. Allen was still nestled in his arms, head cradled on his shoulder, one leg thrown affectionately across both his, one arm across his chest.

Two arms.

Two arms that were both the right arm.

Gaddes raised his head cautiously and found Celena sleeping on Allen’s other side, snuggled up to his back, on top of the covers with the extra comforter drawn up over her. He put his free hand over Allen’s mouth and, being desperately careful not to disturb the girl, nipped at his earlobe to wake him up.

‘Hmpsh?’

‘Shh.’

‘Who’s… oh,’ Allen whispered. ‘How did she get in here?’

‘She must’ve woken up and been lonely. I guess she’s open-minded if she didn’t scream the house down at the sight of us curled up together.’

‘Good Lord.’

‘What are we going to tell her?’

‘I… I suppose the truth.’

‘Really?’

‘Can you think of a lie that would make sense? Besides, she’s my sister. The two of you are the most important people to me in the world. She should know.’

‘That’s a really funny thought. Someone else knowing.’

‘Well, we have to tell her. So we can follow it up with, “By the way, Celena, we like to have privacy in our bedroom”.’ He tipped his head to look at the sleeping girl. ‘She’s sweet, but I don’t think it’s a good idea for her to sleep with us.’

‘No, especially since any girl that lies down in our bed could get knocked up by the sheets.’

‘Don’t be coarse.’

‘It’s true.’

‘All right, but it’s still coarse.’ He tweaked a hair on Gaddes’ chest to show him he was in disgrace. ‘I think I’m coping very well with a situation that I would find quite shocking if that weren’t hypocritical.’

‘Sorry, Boss.’

‘I have everyone I need to be happy,’ Allen murmured, hugging Gaddes tight and closing his eyes. ‘Whatever happens…’

‘Nothing has to happen yet.’

‘Yes. Let’s just wait for Celena to wake up.’

 

‘Aren’t you going to eat that?’

Allen looked up from his breakfast plate. ‘What? No.’

‘Waste of perfectly good eggs,’ Gaddes pointed out.

‘I’ll have them,’ Celena said, reaching out eagerly. Allen let her take his plate and scrape the contents onto her own.

‘You’re a bottomless pit,’ Gaddes said, grinning. She poked her tongue out at him and dug in.

‘She’s a growing girl,’ Allen said, reaching out to stroke Celena’s hair affectionately, twining a curl around his fingers ‘and I don’t feel hungry.’

‘Go and get it over with, then, and come home with a normal appetite.’

‘Get what over with?’ Celena asked, with her mouth full.’

‘Today I have to see King Aston,’ Allen reminded her.

‘Oh… right.’ She looked downcast. ‘Why can’t I remember things?’

‘You remember important things,’ Gaddes pointed out encouragingly.

‘No I don’t,’ she said. ‘Yesterday for about half an hour I didn’t know who Allen was. I just pretended until it came back to me, and then I was all chuffed to realise that I had a brother.’

‘Oh.’

‘And I keep losing your name.’

‘Gaddes. I’m not sure why that’s so hard to remember. Shall I wear a little label?’

‘Will you two be all right together while I’m gone?’ Allen asked anxiously.

‘Course we will. As long as she knows who I am.’

‘It’s not nice to make fun of people who have had memory problems,’ she said, snapping her napkin at him.

Allen glanced up at the clock. ‘I’d better go. It won’t help matters if I’m late.’

‘Hold on,’ said Gaddes, also getting up from his chair. ‘I’m not sure if I’m being a wife or a valet or what, but just let me put you straight.’ He gave a twitch to Allen’s cravat and brushed a bit of fluff off his shoulder. ‘There.’

‘That was unnervingly wifely,’ Allen said, laughing.

‘Ah, but I wear the pants and you wear a skirt.’

‘Only over my pants,’ Allen said over his shoulder, as he left.

‘You’re very strange boys,’ Celena said thoughtfully. ‘But I suppose I can’t talk. I’m odd enough myself.’

‘I wonder if these things run in families. Did Dilandau like boys?’ He realised as he was speaking that that was a tactless thing to say; a shadow passed over her face and she looked down at her plate stonily.

‘Well,’ he said brightly, trying to recover lost ground, ‘that’s not really important now, is it? What matters is for you to get on with life as Celena. And your brother and I will both do everything we can to help with that.’

‘We are a family of misfits,’ she said, not sounding entirely displeased about it.

‘Do you think I’m part of the family?’ he asked, mildly surprised and strongly pleased.

‘Well, yes… like a brother-in-law.’

‘We were only joking about me being his wife. Or if I were, he’d be just as much my wife. It isn’t as if either of us plays a female part. Or feels like a woman inside.’ He found himself quite anxious to make that perfectly clear. ‘I mean, Allen jokes about being effeminate and things, but that’s only a quirk of his. He just… just…’ He faltered.

‘He just likes to have the option of picking up the things about being a girl that he would like, without having to give up being a boy,’ Celena said calmly, as if the idea were quite natural. ‘I feel the same way, only coming from the opposite direction. You must help me work on him to get him to let me wear trousers. It isn’t that I don’t like dresses, but it’s almost impossible to ride or run or do anything energetic in a long skirt. And if Princess Millerna wears them I don’t see why I shouldn’t.’ She rested her cheek on her hand, looking at him with a smile. ‘And you do it too.’

‘No I don’t,’ he said, somehow embarrassed.

‘You do – you like to look after people.’

‘Being protective is a perfectly masculine trait,’ he harrumphed.

‘Not just protective. Nurturing. It’s a nice thing – you shouldn’t feel it’s unmanly.’

‘I don’t see where you get off sounding so wise,’ he said. ‘With only five years’ life experience.’

‘No,’ she said quietly. He was afraid he’d really hurt her feelings with that snitty remark, but she seemed calm, only a little pensive. ‘I was alive all the time – my mind, I mean. I felt like a ghost, except instead of haunting a place, I haunted the body that used to be mine. Dilandau was never aware of me, but I was there, seeing, hearing, feeling, knowing. I thought a lot about everything that went on. It nearly drove me crazy sometimes, being a witness to everything he did and not being able to stop him or even make him think about it. I knew all his thoughts too; knew he always believed – no, always knew he was right. That was horrible, because sometimes it made me doubt my own ideas, what I’d managed to put together in my mind. But I always felt, from the bottom of my heart, that it couldn’t be right to treat people as if they didn’t matter – as if they didn’t have real feelings and lives that were important to them, anyway. But I don’t think Dilandau could even imagine that they did.’

It was the most he’d ever heard her say about Dilandau, and he had a funny feeling that it had come out now because Allen wasn’t around. Cautiously, he covered her hand with his and gave it a little squeeze.

‘I think you turned out really well, then,’ he said. ‘You’re as brave and ballsy as your brother.’

She looked up with a smile, her eyes brightened by tears. ‘So I definitely deserve to wear trousers, then!’

‘Heh. Yes.’

 

Allen waited in the antechamber, uncomfortably aware of his clothes, how hot and heavy they felt, which they never normally did. You’re just self-conscious because you’re not looking forward to this interview, he told himself sensibly. Unfortunately, understanding his feelings did nothing to change them. There was a rustle in the arras hanging behind him, and Princess Millerna suddenly stepped out, dressed in her tomboy trousers and with dustbunnies in her hair.

‘Millerna-hime?’

‘There’s a secret door behind the tapestry,’ she said, and gave him a conspiratorial smile, running her fingers through her bangs to remove the dust. ‘Are you all right, Allen? You look a little worried.’

‘Well, to be frank I’m simply hoping that your father isn’t going to order my execution.’

‘Of course he won’t do that. You’re a hero!’

‘I know he wouldn’t… it was a little joke.’

‘Oh.’ They both felt awkward, and glanced away from each other’s gaze.

‘How are you, Millerna-hime?’

‘Well. Quite well.’ She took a deep breath. ‘I had a letter from Dryden yesterday.’

‘Oh, and how is he?’

‘Not very well. He fell off a horse and re-opened one of his wounds from the wedding day. I’m going to see him tomorrow.’ She flicked a nervous smile at him. ‘He says he thinks it’s a sign that he shouldn’t have gone away from me. Silly old thing.’

‘I had thought his injuries were healed.’

‘They should have been. Well, I’ll be able to take care of him myself if need be.’ She paused, and looked up at him expectantly.

‘That’s good,’ he said. ‘He’s lucky to have a wife like you.’

‘Well, um, we’re not exactly married any more… he gave me back the ring. You could say we’re having a break.’

‘Then you’re lucky to have a husband like him… one who leaves you a free choice. Arranged marriages can turn out terribly unhappily, Millerna-hime. I know from my parents’ example. Wait a little… decide when you’re ready.’

‘Well, so many things could affect my decision,’ she said, sounding a little desperate. ‘Outside factors.’

‘All that matters is whether you feel you can love Dryden and make a happy life with him.’

She glared at him.

‘Millerna-hime, have I said something wrong?’

‘You know perfectly well,’ she said. ‘I’m – I’m tired of being uncertain. I’m tired of people having secrets. Tell me honestly. Are you a – a factor I should take into consideration?’

‘Millerna-hime, I will always be your servant, and, I hope, your friend,’ he said gently.

‘Hitomi’s gone, you know,’ she said, a little sharply.

‘Yes, I know.’

‘Allen, what do you want?’

He looked at her, wondering how to be truthful without being hurtful. ‘I want to live quietly and take care of my sister. She’s suffered terribly. I believe I have to think of her before myself, for quite some time to come.’

‘Oh.’ She looked down, straightening the short skirt over her trousers. She didn’t look exactly pleased with that explanation, but it seemed to be satisfactory. ‘I hope she’s feeling better.’

‘A little better every day, I think.’

‘And Gaddes? How’s Gaddes?’

‘He’s fine. He’ll be pleased to hear that you asked, I’m sure.’

‘He’s a dear good man.’

‘I think so.’ He gave a faint smile. At that moment, he was called by the court herald.

‘Good luck,’ Millerna said, hastily rising on her toes to press a kiss on his cheek. ‘And if he’s horrible to you, tell me and I’ll have tantrums until he relents.’

Kneeling with his sword on the carpet beside him, his head bowed, Allen waited to be spoken to. After some time, he heard King Aston clear his throat and take a sip from the glass of water offered by the servitor next to his throne.

‘Allen Schezar.’

‘Yes, Your Majesty?’

‘I’ve been wondering what I should do with you.’ Allen looked up, cautiously, trying to judge the king’s tone.

‘The trouble with you, Allen, is that although you’re an excellent knight, you are unreliable. Your first loyalty does not lie with your sovereign.’

‘I have always tried to do what I believed was right and honourable, Your Majesty,’ Allen said, carefully. ‘I believe you were misled and ill-advised concerning the early events of the war.’

‘The king is ill-advised,’ the old man said, with a sardonic smile. ‘The loyalist’s explanation for poor decisions on the part of the monarch. You are saying that you feel I made poor decisions, are you not?’

‘It is not my place to judge your decisions, Your Majesty.’ He kept his voice and face carefully neutral.

‘This is as good a time as any to ask you,’ King Aston said abruptly, ‘what your intentions are regarding my daughter.’

‘Your daughter, Your Majesty?’

‘Princess Millerna. I hope you don’t intend to take another of my daughters away from me.’

‘I am not romantically interested in any of your daughters, Your Majesty. However misguided I may have been in the past, I know better now.’

‘Don’t you like my daughters?’

‘I am not worthy of such beautiful and noble women.’

‘You are smoother than a fish’s belly,’ the king mused. ‘And quite as hard to grasp firmly. I won’t pretend, young man, that I don’t want to keep you as far away from me and my family as possible. The question is only where to send you.’

‘Please, Your Majesty – ‘

‘You’re interrupting me? It must be important. Go on.’

‘I only ask Your Majesty to remember that I have my sister to care for.’

‘So?’

‘So – so I would like to be sent somewhere peaceful and healthy for her. I – I could not stay in a place like my last posting.’

‘In other words, if I sent you back to the swamps, you would leave, wouldn’t you?’ He paused a moment, and then, to Allen’s surprise, began to laugh.

‘Your Majesty?’

‘Nothing, nothing. I think you’ll like this. Consider it a reward for doing what was, after all, the right thing. It’s both as remote as I could wish and as pleasant, I think, as you could wish.’ Taking a folded and sealed parchment from the arm of his throne, he tossed it to land on the carpet in front of Allen. ‘Go home, young man. And try not to attract my attention for a while.’

 

Allen had difficulty finding Celena and Gaddes when he got home, but eventually located them in the garden, hacking down and uprooting the weeds that had grown up around the artificial grotto, a corner of the grounds that the garden staff had apparently neglected. Celena was wearing a pair of Gaddes’ trousers with the legs rolled up and the waist cinched in, with grass-stains all over her blouse and dirt on her face. She looked up from her work with a radiant smile and he decided nothing else on her face really mattered.

‘How’d it go?’ she asked.

‘You’ve been shopping,’ Gaddes said accusingly.

‘They’re presents,’ Allen said. ‘Celebrating presents. See if there’s anything you like in that, Celena.’ He threw her a large paper bag, filled with smaller parcels wrapped in white tissue paper. She tore the uppermost one open and found a brilliantly-coloured silk scarf.

‘Oh, Allen!’

‘What do I get?’ Gaddes asked, throwing down an armload of kikuyu grass and coming over.

‘I don’t know. Do you think you deserve anything?’ After glancing about to be sure they were unobserved, he put his arms around Gaddes’ waist and leaned his head against his shoulder, breathing in the scent of warm skin and crushed grass that rose from his shirt.

‘Well, if you’re happy with how it’s turned out, I think that’s reward enough for me.’

‘I don’t think these are for me,’ Celena said, holding up a pair of grey silk socks. ‘Far too big for my little feet.’

‘No, those are Gaddes’ treat,’ Allen said, smiling.

‘Rgh. You won’t be happy until you dandify me, will you?’ He kissed Allen on the cheek.

‘I just want to wrap you up in silk. You can be as rugged as you like inside the silk!’

‘Well, what’s the result? Where are we going?’

‘Have you heard,’ Allen asked, stepping back and taking the parchment from his pocket, ‘of the Poor Knights Islands?’

‘Vaguely. They’re some sort of little colony of ours, aren’t they? Way out to sea.’ Gaddes took the parchment and unfolded it.

‘A dominion, actually. Yes. A little archipelago of volcanic islands, not far from the entrance to our inland sea. Ships coming from far away very often make a short stop there to reprovision and give their crews a little rest. They’re an odd place; besides the native peasants, who by most accounts are as good as pagans paying lip service to religion and civilisation, they seem to exert a magnetic attraction on eccentrics, artists, poets, scions of noble families now out of favour, people who simply can’t find a place in normal society, ne’erdowells and troublemakers. Do you begin to see why we’re being sent there?’

‘Just a bit,’ said Gaddes, chuckling.

‘They have a problem, too, with pirates, and with wreckers – a shore-based version of same who lure ships onto the rocks with false lights, then loot them.’

‘Oh yes?’

‘And they need a Governor-General.’

‘Yowp!’

‘You just got to that part on the paper, did you?’

‘Yes! And I can’t believe it!’

‘It’s not really a prestigious posting,’ Allen said, stretching his arms lazily over his head, ‘given how remote and really quite unimportant the islands are… but we can be happy there, don’t you think?’ Gaddes had started to laugh again. ‘You just saw the name of the Governor’s residence, didn’t you?’ he asked, sitting down on the grass and smiling up at him.

‘Unicorn House. That couldn’t be more perfect.’

‘Why?’ asked Celena, looking up from her exploration of a large box of chocolates.

‘Private joke,’ Allen said, turning his sunny gaze on her. ‘It’s a beautiful place. Olive groves, grey mountains, green fields, beaches with white sand as fine as powder and blue water as clear as glass, tiny lakes and little rushing streams, twisty cypress trees, marshes haunted by waterfowl… a place out of our dreams. Arcadia.’

‘The name of the place sounds so romantic, too,’ she said. ‘Poor Knights… I wonder who they were.’

‘Um, no,’ said Gaddes. ‘The only thing I ever have been able to remember about the Poor Knights Islands is how they got their name. They’re called that because this navigator long ago was on a long, long sea voyage… and they were the first bit of land he saw after months away from home… and he named them after the stodgy home-made comfort food he was missing most. Poor Knights are dumplings floating in soup. My mother used to make them and tell us that story.’

‘Oh,’ said Celena, sounding disgruntled. ‘How unromantic.’

‘I’m sure we can find enough romance for you in a place like that,’ Allen said.

‘Really? Why, are there lots of handsome young men there?’

Allen looked distinctly flustered. ‘I didn’t mean like that! Celena, you are not to go making a fool of yourself – I forbid it!’

‘Oh, come on, if they’re nice young men where’s the harm?’ Gaddes asked, throwing himself down to rest on one elbow.

‘Gaddes! Be on my side!’

‘You see, now you’re here we can gang up and tease him together,’ Gaddes said, grinning at Celena. ‘Great fun!’

‘Don’t you dare corrupt my darling little sister!’ Allen said. ‘And I stand by what I said. I will not have anyone unworthy making advances.’

‘I think I can decide for myself who I like,’ Celena said loftily. She finished binding her new scarf, twisted into a band, around her head, and shook her silvery curls.

‘Then you’ll just have to tolerate Gaddes and me beating them with the flat of our swords if we don’t approve of them.’

‘Allen! Don’t you dare!’

‘And throwing them in the sea,’ Gaddes added.

‘No!’

‘You really have no sense of loyalty,’ Allen said, poking him in the ribs. ‘Who are you teasing?’

‘Whoever’s more fun at the time.’ He grinned up at him unrepentantly.

‘It isn’t just a holiday, you know. You and I will have much serious work to do. Not to mention the adjustment you’ll have to make to civilian life. And being a valet. Your new appointment.’

‘Does that mean I have to wash your clothes?’

‘No – you do have to take care of them, though. Lay them out for me in the mornings, and so forth.’

‘You’ve managed perfectly well without anyone doing that for the last six years!’

‘I wasn’t a Governor then.’

‘Does this mean I get to dress you up however I want?’

‘Yes, so all those childhood years you spent repressing the urge to play with dolls will – ow! Bully!’ They rolled over, play-fighting.

‘You’re both mad,’ said Celena.

‘No, this is how men show affection, by punching,’ Allen said, sitting on Gaddes’ stomach and bouncing.

‘Exactly… mad…’

(End)


End file.
